I woke up suicidally in a black lace coffin dat was pink with black lace. Inside the coffin it wuz red vulvet n covered in red lace dat made it lock lik da coffin wuz cryin tearz of b'lood. I gothed. "OMFG iz dis Hell? Am I in da blak parade?" I started chewin on muh riztz to zlitzt dem n den da crimson regret flowed down mi pallid white goffick coat. I did nut die!!1111166666666. "Im ded!" I cheerileed. I started to cry n cry bcuz I wuz happy I wuz ded.
"No ebony, thou art not dead!" said a croon voice dat wuz preppy. I gothed a gin. It wuz...............................DICKSWORD!!!! He did nut look lik a goff anymore he wuz bak 2 lookin lik hiz regalar preppy self.
"I gived u mah favborite pink shitgone 2 kill Twilight Spargle n u did nut kill her yet!!!" Den he started to cry preppily but in like a goffik way.
"OMG dont cry Discord!!!!" I scremmed. I started to curdle him. Den...........................................da doorz opened n al mah frendz came in. And Applingjack wuz der too! But B'Lood n Princess Nightmare Moon were nut.
"Ebony r u ok?????" sed Bleedaloo huggin me. We fancied. Den I fancied wif Sweet Bowls bcuz she iz muh marefrend n Bleedaloo started to cry blood of tears. DISCORD DISAPEARED.
"Ya lol, I gut shot in da past," I giggled sadly. "Dat must be y I came back in2 da future, bcuz u cannot die in da past if u r from da future."
Everypony nooded accept for Applejerk bcuz she looked cuntfused. lol wut a dum prep.
"But im glad ur okay Epony!" sed FLem and Flam apologizingly. "We r srry dat we shot u wif preppy pink Lucille Ball blunderbusses."
"Butt at least u saved Sweet Apple Acorns frum gettin da barn stoled bi Flem an Flam!" sed Big Mack. He had a rlly big u-no-wut. "Now we donut haf 2 liv in da sewerz wif C.H.U.Ds Dey alwayz try 2 steal Applejake's hat. She iz so glad dat dey r gun, rite Apallingjack?"
Everypint glothed at Applejoke n she locked nervouz. She guggled. "Er, uh... yeah. Them... them thar preps sure did... uh... boondoggle mah spaghetti, I tell you hwat." She did lik a hoof wav in da air. "Go goths... yay..."
I laffed at her. "Applejack u r suck a dumb poney" n I punched her in da nose wif mah sexy goffik hoof but datz ok becuz we goffs need 2 keep our pimp hoovez stro
APPLEJAC HIT ME BAC OMFG. "What the hay was that for?! Keep yer hooves to yerself, you - " den she stupped bcuz al mah frens were lockin at her wif owls on der faces. "Uh, I mean..." Applejump smelled nervouzly.
"Applejack" whuspered Snipes.
"Dat wuz so..." thinspod Snailz
"SO GOFFIK OMFG!!!!!!" scremmed and scramed Rampage. She hugged Applejape. "DAT WUZ SO KEWL!!!! I KNEW U WERE A REEL GOFF JUS LIK ME!!!"
"Let's not say nothin' we can't take back, now," mathered APplejack.
"HEY EVERYPONY" sed Painbow Slash. "LETZ HAVE A GOFFIK PARTEE 2 CELIBATE DAT APPLEJAC IS A REEL GOFF!!!66666666"
Dey al picked up Applejook n put her on der backz. Applejim locked unhappily. "LETZ LIZZEN 2 GC N KUT OURSELVES666666666" sed Zecora sexily. Den dey went TRAITORINGLY away chinting Applejack's nam.
Da only 1s who sayed wit me were Bleedaloo n Sweetie Bagel. "Dont worry Ebony" sed Sweetie Belkl. "We still luv u."
We al had a tree way fancy. "Wel dis haz ben fun butt I m needed in da past" I lurched. I tock oot Dicksowrd's preppy pink shotgon n started to eat it.
"OMG EBONY NOOOOO" sed Bleedaloo.
"Fuk off6666!!!! U dont want me 2 comment soup or salad??? Bleedaloo r u a PREP???" I said Sweetie Belle said.
"No lol butt if u uze a prep gun den u will go 2 heaven insted of back 2 da past" said Sweetaloo knowledablingly.
"Ohhhhh." dat made cents. So I scrammed for Shining Ambrose. He wuz sweeping up da floor wif his broomstiuck. "HEY SHITTING ARMOR" I SEd wif mah royal Cantalot Voice. "I BET UI CANT KILL ME WIF DAT BROOMSTICK"
"I h9 goffs" prepped Shane Arnold. He picked up his brom n brommed me over da hed wif da bromine until I waz deed. Den.........................I DANUBED bak in tim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The past tim wuz a lot lik I rememberd it wif blak an white colorz n talkin cardz n suddenly....................der was Discord accept he was still called Psycho Mantis in dis tim!!!!!66666666 He wuz wearing a blak goffik horn stickin out of his blood red hair n had a red hat on his shoulder n a blak leather straightjackson (if u dont get it massage me ill tell u).
"Hi Psycho Mantis!!!666666" I said witha penis. "How wuz da rest of da consert?"
"Lol it went even better wit al da blod on da stage n da dance floor (GEDDIT LIK DA SONG???) from wen u gut shot. How r u dong?"
I told him al abot how Applejerk gut al da attenshin away frum me n he sighed gothically suicidally. "Dat sux Ebony. I fink I will steal Applefat's barn n frame Flem and Flan 4 it lol. Dat will show Applejack 4 bein a pozer."
"Fangs." We fancied. Den.......................a hot guy walked by!!666666 He had spikey blonde hair dat wuz dyed black n big hornz sticking out of hiz hed. His skin wuz red and his butt was like a horse but his top half wuz a peepole. "Who dat?" I sed while massaging his esophagus with my tongue.
"Datz Tirek" sed Discord. "Butt since dis iz da past we al jus call him Lesmiserable." He looked at me badly. "Lesmiserable came 2 da school wif his brother Scorpinok. Dey had goffik powerz gifted 2 dem by goffik wizards frum Andromeda. But den Scorpinkock fell in luv wif a fukkin prep named Spoilt Rich n dey ran off 2 have a baby 2gether n her name is Diamond Tiara. Tirek changed hiz name 2 Lesmiserable n he used 2 be mah stallionfrend."
Suddenly I wuz startin 2 realize dat Discord wuz only evil bcuz he gut his hearth borken. "I no wut 2 do66666" I grabed Tirek n started fancying passively wif him. Tirek started 2 fancy me bak. Den he put hiz rainbow rod on Dicksword's glock n dey started having organelles.
Suddenly...................................................................."MIZ WAY WUT IZ DA MEENING OF DIS U PROMISCUOUS RAPSCALLION" Princess Candace n Princiuple Celestia were der!!!!!!!!!!!
I gasped.
Far in the future, on a paradoxically snowy and rainy day, in a tacky Hot Topic affiliate in what passed for Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle stood in front of a mirror. She turned side to side as she examining her new self, hoping she'd find an angle where she looked good. Alas, all for naught.
Her purple coat was a deeper shade than normal, and it clashed with the colors of her new mane and tail. The purple pattern and lone pink stripe she was so fond of were replaced with bright white hair with a long lock of red slashing through it. Her clothes were garish too: ripped pink fishnets on all four legs that itched and chafed horribly, a black T-shirt advertising something called "Good Charlotte" and a ripped leather miniskirt that said "Goffik Pone" on the rump. "People don't seriously wear this stuff, do they?" she muttered to herself.
It occurred to Twilight that she hadn't yet seen what her cutie mark was in this reality - it had been covered by the skirt all day. She lifted the hem of her skirt, curious, but dropped it back down when she saw what it was. "Skirt is good thing! Skirt cover cutie mark; is goodly to cover cutie mark!" She giggled hysterically.
There was a knock at the door. Twilight, breathing deeply, trotted to it, peered through the peep hole, and opened it with a relieved sigh. "Thank goodness it's you two. I was starting to worry that I was the only one of us who made it here intact." She frowned as she looked over Applejack. "Although maybe 'intact' isn't the word to use."
"Yeah, you ain't the picture o'normalcy yerself, sugarcube," grumbled Applejack as she stepped inside, shaking off the rain and snow. The farm pony was decked out in similar garb to Twilight: a ripped, red and black leather dress with a brooch that looked like an apple, and a hat that looked like it had been sewn from tanned pony hide. Her cutie mark, rather than three apples, was a geometric paradox that whispered promises of eternal life to those who pledged fealty to the Abyssal Lord of Naught. Princess Luna followed close behind - curiously, she looked completely unchanged.
She noticed Twilight staring and smiled. "Apparently, my appearance is already considered 'gothic' by the possessing entity, because she didn't see fit to change or embellish any part of me," she said. "I'm sorry you weren't so fortunate."
"Yeah, me too," Twilight grumbled. "How are things over on your end in Canterlot?"
"About as good as you look," said Applejack.
"Yes, I look ridiculous, thank you very much," said Twilight. "I would never have picked up on that without your keen observational skills, you super sleuth you."
Applejack sighed. "I'm sorry, Twi. I'm a mite edgy right now. It's been a long day." She flopped down in the middle of the room with an oof. "I got a crowd o'ponies who look like ponies I know, 'cept all dressed up like clowns, callin' me names like 'Applinghook' and 'Applejim' and 'Applejerk' - I don't even know what my real name is 'round these parts. An' shoot, take a look at this!" She waved her hooves in the air to show off the bandages she'd wound around them. "I jus' got back from somethin' called a 'group cuttin' session.' Pretty much what it says on the tin, if you're wonderin'. I wanted to beg outta it, but I couldn't without them thinkin' I was a 'prep' an' throwin' bricks at me!"
"And I had to sit in an office for six hours while my morbidly obese sister shoveled cake into her mouth - with a literal shovel - and yelled lewd observations at me," said Luna. "I mean, I won't say she's never done that before, but only ever under the influence of absinthe." She considered Twilight again. "And as for yourself?"
Twilight covered her face with her hooves and moaned. "Lyra came in to buy a pair of binoculars. She said the last pair she bought broke and demanded I comp her. We haggled for five minutes until she called me a 'mediocre dunce' and ran away without paying!" She threw her hooves up in the air. "And at least six customers tried to grope my rump as they shopped for belt buckles and mane dye." She groaned and fell onto her back. "I hate this place and I wish I was dead."
Applejack chuckled hollowly. "See, now yer gettin' into the spirit o'things."
Luna knelt beside Twilight and smiled kindly. "I realize it's frustrating, Twilight. To be honest, I'm quite put off by everything in here myself. But I beg of you, be patient. We must continue to act well our parts - the possessing entity must be none the wiser."
"I know..." Twilight picked herself up off the floor and brushed suspicious red dust off her tacky Good Charlotte concert shirt. "I realize what's at stake, and I'll do my part. I can tolerate some bad fashion and groping and criminally bad grammar if it means saving Apple Bloom."
"Shucks." Applejack tipped her hat at Twilight with a small, grateful smile. "Comin' from you, that means a lot."
Luna patted Twilight sympathetically. "I'm afraid we can't stay long. Even in this world, I have my duties as Princess of the Night to attend to. Although they appear to be very different than in reality. Much more hiding in trees." She looked at Applejack. "And your absence will be noted if you're away for too long."
"Yeah, yeah," said Applejack. "'Sides, I wanna make sure I can keep an eye on that Ebony - wanna be there when she comes back from the past." She shook her head at Twilight's befuddled expression. "Don't ask."
"Right. Forgetting now." Twilight's magic caught the door and pulled it open. Applejack smiled and nodded at her friend and made her way outside.
"Remember, Twilight," said Luna before following Applejack out. "Maintain a discreet profile, continue to live your life as your counterpart would, and do not act overtly to challenge or undermine the possessing entity. We must be subtle - stealthy - and find less explicit ways to undermine her if we are to save Apple Bloom. We'll meet again when the time comes. Until then, just have faith."
Twilight nodded. "Agreed. Look after yourselves."
"You as well." With one last smile of farewell, Luna and Applejack vanished in a swirl of starlight, leaving Twilight alone to contend with a garishly decorated shop, customers with foul dispositions who couldn't keep their hooves to themselves, and a cutie mark shaped like something not discussed in polite company.
Twilight decided to skip sending Princess Celestia a friendship report for this one.