"Is this a bad time?" I asked, genuinely innocent of the hell I had just unleashed.
For some reason, the moment my song was done, Chrysalis had pounced on me and was giving me one HELL of a death glare. Aside from saying she's got a nice, big ass, I don't really see how I'd insulted her. Maybe she could tell I wasn't a 'natural' changeling? Or not part of 'The Swarm'? Or maybe she just didn't like the kissy face I was making at her just now. Either way, she was on top of me, and while what was about to follow would be rough and painful, it sure as fuck wasn't gonna be sex.
"This...is a VERY bad time." Celestia said, glancing from me to the Queen, nodding her head and jutting out her horn. It seemed like she wanted me to.....Oooohhhhh, now I get it. OHSHIT!
"YIPPEE!" I shouted, barely moving my head in time to avoid the crushing force of Chrysalis' hoof coming down, shattering the thick tiles where my melon once was. I shove her off with my rear hooves and buzz away. "You want a fight? You've got one."
I breathed lightly, pulling back as she attacked again.
"Test your might...."
She charged again, and again, I zipped out of the way. Short bursts seemed easiest, almost like a Quickboost!
A what?
It’s where I use my wings to jump to the side. Remember when I showed Fluttershy how to do it?
Oooohhh!
"Test your might...."
She tried to strike me with a magic burst, but I grabbed my guitar and batted it away, accidentally shattering a bust of Celestia.
"Test your might...."
She sent several more blasts down range, and I opted to simply zip away, instead of trying to dodge them. Every last one clocked Blueblood in the face. Hehe, fuck Blueblood.
She blasted away with magic, whilst I danced around the throne room, dodging each blow.
I closed in and smacked her with the flat of my guitar.
She spun with the blow, and bucked me with one hoof into a wall.
Remembering my experiences in the Dream World, I began charging magic into my guitar, plucking at the threads of lightning and sending a spray of tiny jolts of electricity at her. I picked up the pace and the tiny, nearly-harmless spray became an immense torrent of electricity.
She countered by charging through the scorching torrent fearlessly, blasting energy spheres my way.
Thinking fast, I shifted into Shining Armor’s form, recalling the ability to imitate the unique abilities of those I mimicked, and brought up the strongest shield I could muster.
And it shattered after the first blow!
None of us, except Celestia and Luna, fully realised just how powerful Chrysalis was back then.
Considering you only knew her from the wedding, where she was malnourished to the point of inseanity, that’s not surprising....
I’m just thankful she’s a lot calmer when she’s actually well-fed.
You'n Me both, sister.
Trying to think quick, and, let’s be honest, damned desperate to not lose my, technically, third fight in this madhouse world, I began to shift forms at random, trying damned near everything that popped into my head.
I shifted into Twilight Sparkle, firing bolts of magic, to Rarity and flinging things, hell, I even tried to turn into Spike and breath fire! None of it worked to even slow Chrysalis down - she just fought harder!
“What the hell are you!? A goddess of war!?” I shouted, not expecting the response.
“And NOW he gets it!” Chrysalis cried, sending another spray of explosive magic at my face.
With one last act of desperation, I thought back to my days on earth. Namely, the video games I played.
Steve?? Nope, no way I’d dig my way outta this.
Cloud? Not likely, she’s way too fast.
Link? Possibly, but I dunno if I can mimic his armaments.
Mario? No, with this spray I wouldn’t reach full jump height before she KO’d me.
Luigi? Better chances, but same issue with Mario. What’s jumping going to do anyway?
LAHIRE? ....giant robot, good armor, really fast, and a built-in arsenal....yes please!
So I took the risk, and shifted into the mechanical masterpiece known as the LAHIRE-model Armored Core. Let me tell you this much I’ve learned. There’s two main types of changelings. Chrysallian and Pandoran. Chrysallians can become living beings, Pandorans can become inanimate objects. I can, somehow, become a LAHIRE, but it hurts like FUCKING HELL! Because I’m not a Pandoran changeling.
Not only did it hurt me, but I, on instinct, erected a Primal Armor shield: basically an entire shield made of changeling magic and (STUFF THAT I DON’T KNOW). The swirling green energy managed to keep Chrysalis’ magic attacks at bay long enough for me to recover, which was good. Because lemme tell you, seeing the world through robotic eyes for the first time is very disorienting....especially when you, technically, have TWENTY eyes.
As the pain faded and my mind began to fully process everything I was seeing, I was able to take stock of everything. My only offensive weapon, for now at least, was the Assault Armor, which, if my hunch was right, would probably obliterate the entire room, and probably the castle as well. That left me with one other option.
OverBoost.
By focusing a bit, I was able to pour intense energy into the engines on my back and, after a few seconds, flew out of the anti-magic bubble I made and plowed face first into Chrysalis, slamming her against the wall, and knocking us both unconscious.
*****
Nearly an hour later, I regained consciousness. In a hospital bed.
"Did someone get the number of that freight train?" I groaned.
"Not quite." responded a familiar, caring voice. I opened my eyes to see Celestia sitting by my side, her polished white fur almost as white as the painfully sterile room. "Though I'm beginning to think that making it so you can change into your favorite Armored Core was a bad idea. The doctors said it did a lot of damage to your muscles and bones, Chrysallian Changelings weren't built to change into non-living beings."
"OK. So LAHIRE-mode is a 'do or die' thing, amirite?"
"Pretty much, yeah." She seemed much more relaxed than I'd expected. Must be her getting used to me or something. "I see you're getting used to shape-shifting now. Who knows? Maybe, in due time, you'll be able to handle it better."
"Yeah. I'll say this much, my wings feel like they're on fire."
"Well, that Overboost? It...kinda DID set them on fire."
"I'm never gonna get to fly with these damn things, am I?"
"If you keep doing things like this? Not likely..."
"Goody. I come moonwalking into the throne room like I own the place, flirt with every mare in the room, and get in a brawl with Chrysalis for reasons I still don't fully understand. The nobles are probably screaming for my head."
"Maybe if you sang them a song?"
"Seriously!?" I check my skull for holes or signs of a concussion. "Wouldn't that be a BAD idea?"
"Not if you sang one that asked them just how bad you can be. Didn’t you notice they liked it?"
"Well...yeah. I mean how ba-....oh you....I REALLY like that idea. Have I ever mentioned you are best pony?"
"Once or twice." She grinned and helped me out of the gurney. I shook myself to limber up, and limped my way back to the throne room. Once inside, I saw, un-shockingly, a very VERY Large number of Nobles, some of which seemed amused at my arrival and others who look like they'd like to decapitate me immediately.
"Citizens of Equestria, my faithful subjects!" The solar diarch began. "As many of you have realized, we have a new member of our peaceful herd. However, he has a question for you all, so please, I ask of you, lend him your ears and answer him honestly."
She nodded to me, and I gulped, breathing deeply. I'm not going to be running about, just singing. Then I pulled out my guitar and begin playing.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just doing what comes naturally.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just following my destiny.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just doing what comes naturally.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? How bad can I possibly be?
Well there's a principle of nature (principle of nature)
That almost every creature knows.
Called survival of the fittest (survival of the fittest)
And check it this is how it goes.
The animal that eats gotta scratch and fight and claw and bite and punch.
And the animal that doesn't, well the animal that doesn't winds up someone else's lu-lu-lu-lu-lunch (munch, munch, munch, munch, munch)
I'm just sayin'.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just doing what comes naturally.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just following my destiny.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just doing what comes naturally
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? How bad can I possibly be?
There's a principle in business (principle in business)
That everybody knows is sound.
It says the people with the money (people with the money)
Make this ever-loving world go 'round
So I'm biggering my company, I'm biggering my factory, I'm biggering my corporate sign.
Everybody out there, take care of yours and me? I'll take care. of. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. (shake that bottom line)
I can't help but pull Luna and Celestia in, hugging them tightly before the three of us spun around and shook our rumps playfully, much to the giggles of the two lovely princesses.
Let me hear you say 'smogulous smoke' (smogulous smoke)
Schloppity schlop (schloppity schlop)
Complain all you want, it's never ever, ever, ever gonna stop.
Come on how bad can I possibly be?
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just building the economy.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? Just look at me pettin' this puppy.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? A portion of proceeds goes to charity.
How ba-a-a-ad can I be? How bad can I possibly be? Let's see.
(How ba-a-a-ad can I be?) All the customers are buying.
(How ba-a-a-ad can I be?) And the money's multiplying.
(How ba-a-a-ad can I be?) And the PR people are lying.
(How ba-a-a-ad can I be?) And the lawyers are denying.
(How ba-a-a-ad can I be?) Who cares if a few trees are dying?
(How ba-a-a-ad can I be?) This is all so gratifying.
How bad.
How bad can this possibly be!?
The song ended, and all of the less friendly nobles stormed out, whilst those who were amused by the song began cheering. The Princesses and I took a bow before stepping out, leaving the guards to announce that Day Court was adjourned.
"That could have gone better." I said, a bit bummed out at the rage-fest some of the nobles were.
"But it could have gone worse, too." Celestia stated, plain as day. Luna rolled her eyes; whether it's at my silliness, Celestia's obviousness, or the asshattery of the nobility, I still don't know to this damn day.
"Regardless, sister. The Grand Galloping Gala is tomorrow night." Luna sighed. Oh, goody, the GGG, the biggest, most BORING party ever... "I...do hope Sir Griffin arrives in time to 'liven things up'."
"As do I, sister." Celestia and Luna sighed, as do I. If this 'Griffin' dude is even a tenth of the badass that the princesses make him out to be, then he'd be guaranteed to awesomize the GGG. A guard galloped up to us and saluted Celestia.
"Your majesties. The 'Possibility' is requesting permission to dock to the castle's fifth tower! Sir Griffin has arrived!" He sounded panicked, scared even. But, apparently, 'Sir' Griffin is here! Now I'll get to meet one of the dudes I'm supposed to spy on! And just in time for one KICKASS party! Without a word, the three of us zipped through the castle, with Celestia leading us through more shortcuts and hidden passages than I'd have expected in this damn castle.
Did I mention what a bloody maze it is? I STILL get lost
In barely a minute we traversed the entire castle in time to see the massive, beautiful airship dock. The Possibility. Mein GOTT it's like a flying diamond! Beautiful, and yet indestructible! A true Flying Fortress! ....Is that a laser cannon?
"Sir Griffin!" Celestia shouted. "Glad you could make it! And just in time to boot!" I saw her approach a griffin that looked downright badass, with a BFS that'd put the Buster Sword to shame, and none other than Trixie Lulamoon riding on his back....wait, is Trixie a CYBORG!? Since when did THAT happen!?
...Dare I ask what a BFS is?
Big Fucking Sword.
*sigh* Of course it is.
"Oh! Sister, should we introduce Sir Griffin to your new companion?" Luna piped up, making me realize that I was standing in plain sight, and that the scary-as-fuck badass PIRATE Gryphon was staring right the fuck at me.
"Ummmm.....Hi?" I said, trotting up closer, keeping Celestia between me and the resident mega-badass. ".....Do you like bananas?" I had to ask it.... I wanted to make sure. I know he's human but....I REALLY wanted to make sure that he's, y'know....A Brony. Like me...
"That depends, bug." Griffin says, clearly suspicious. "would you like 'em here? Or...."
"ON THA MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAH, BEYEEEETCHAH!" The two of us shouted, almost in perfect tandem. It's official, Griffin is a brony, I'm no longer scared, and that was FUCKING AWESOME.
"OI!" I shout, "Do you know what time it is?"
"Adventure Time?" Griffin responds.
"Nope! IT'S PEANUT BUTTAH JELLEH TIME!"
That never happened!
You wish it had, though, doncha?
....yes.
The two of us began dancing around like Pinkie Pie on a sugar high, bouncing to the beat while singing like total morons who happen to have kickass singing voices, much to the amusement of the princesses and Griffin's crew, and to the utter annoyance of the angry nobles who still wanted my head on a platter. We ended the song with a mad flourish and an empty firing of the Possibility's cannons. If that isn't a BADASS introduction, I don't know WHAT is!