From Nobody to Knightmare

Is this entirely necessary? Can’t we skip this, of all things?

My memoirs, my words, my memories. Shush.

"Oh my!" The princess gasped, her body tensing.  I gently drug my fangs across her flank, laying loving kisses along those muscular thighs.  I carefully hooked my fangs on her silken red panties and begin to tug them off, enjoying the sound of her giggling at the clever use of my new appendages, fluttering my four fairy-like wings to beat away the intense heat of our love.  As I tugged them down further, she tapped my horn with her own and whispered oh so lovingly into my ear.

"I'm not wearing panties..."  I opened my eyes to see Celestia, Twilight, and Rarity blushing deeply.  Applejack and Barricade looked like they were ready to cave my skull in, whilst Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Spike were laughing their guts out.

"....I was narrating my dreams....again....wasn't I?" I ask, utterly ashamed.

"Yes."  Celestia replies, rather curt, but seemingly more embarrassed than angry.  I then realised that I wasn't just narrating, I was acting out my dream!  I IMMEDIATELY pulled my insectoid lips away from her cutie mark and back away a safe distance.  Not far enough, considering that, while MUCH bigger on the inside, the Royal Chariot is still an enclosed space.  I got about ten inches before tumbling over Fluttershy.  "Uhh....sorry."

"No need to apologize." Celestia said, almost effortlessly wiping her blush away.  "It sounded like it fit a romance novel but, well, I guess if this were a book it would be more of an adventure comedy, than a romance."

"Heh....yeah..."  I gulped and held myself down onto the seat, at first sitting like Lyra, just like a human would.  Then I and everyone else noticed something that rhymes with 'would', making all of them blushing....and making Celestia break out in a HUGE grin.....  "Oh dammit ta hell!"  I opted to lay down, keeping it hidden, but I could hear Twilight whispering to Rainbow Dash.

"He talks like Griffin." The purple unicorn whispered conspiratorially.  Who the buck is Griffin?

"If that crazy pirate is HALF that big, then Gilda's got a hell of a catch."  Rainbow Dash responded.

"OK, ladies.  Two things.  First of all, Miss Dash, mind NOT talking about my you-know-whatsit?  And secondly, who the heck is this 'Griffin' fella?  Aside from being some crazy pirate..."  Almost instantly, everyone went silent. "Oi....lemme guess, 'Classified Information'?"

"Not...exactly..." Celestia began.  "I was actually hoping we'd wait until we arrive at the castle."  She taps her chin with a hoof, "Then again, considering who's waiting there, I half expect you to break out in song...again.  So maybe it would be best to give the basics NOW instead of later."

"Ah, yes.  This mysterious 'Mission' of yours."  I raised my brow at her.  I knew she only had good intentions, and I must admit she is, and always will be 'Best Pony' in my mind...but that didn’t change the fact that she was a politician.  And politicians lie.  I don't like liars.  Even immortal, genuinely good, genuinely loving, utterly adorasexy liars that made me want to give them hugs and have weird dreams...  

Fucking hell I'm weird. I didn’t recall being this horny since adolescence.

"Alright. Since you hold distinct dislike for lies and liars, I'll give only the facts."  She took a deep breath and began speaking, Pinkie Pie Style. Wait, how did she know I was thinking about liars?

"Approximately 12 months ago Discord, the Spirit of Disharmony, escaped from imprisonment in stone due to a freak accident, three naughty children, piss poor timing, and garden layout which then lead to him bringing over an entity known as a ‘Human' using the name of Echo into this world and transformed him into a Diamond Dog which was promptly followed by several other god-like entities dragging humans from your world into this one, each one being changed in some way to a different, non-pony species, which at this point has left them all running amok across the planet doing everything from random murder to saving villages to even starting a rebellion in the Gryphon Dominion. That is being lead by Griffin the Griffin, a human turned griffin, whom, I might add, is going on a musical tour as we speak to try and recruit allies in his war on the Diamond Dogs,. He should be arriving soon, maybe even today for all I know, but I dragged you here, and I apologize for not asking, but I really need someone I can trust to get as much information on ALL of these 'humans', why they're here, who their 'Game Masters' are, and what said game masters have planned for their pawns."  She stopped to take a few short breaths before calming down.

All of us remained silent.

No, seriously, that was a hell of a sight.

Even PINKIE ain't got lungs like that...

Totally wrong about that. Pinkie’s lungs are WAY bigger.

You were new, it’s okay.

Ah, fuck.  Lewd thoughts, lewd thoughts!  Shit!

And there I was, doing two things.  Firstly, I was coming to terms with the fact that 'Best Pony' just press ganged me into spying on humans dragged here by likely psychotic elder god-beings, most of which probably hate her guts, specifically to ensure that they were as minimal a threat to Equestria as possible.

And second was thinking of a song....

You thought I was gonna sing it already, didn't you?

Nah, THAT song I'm saving for later.....you'll see why I was so glad for saving it.

"I.....I need to get some air...."  I gulp and move towards the door.  I knew we were a long way up, but the thing was designed to be climbed on mid-flight.  Just in case.  A fact I was quite glad for at that particular moment.

Seriously, that was a LOT of shit to take in so fast...and in one breath, no less. She couldn’t have brought that up during 24 years of getting memories back? I mean really...

Yeah, yeah, you'll get your song.  Just calm the buck down, ok?

As I reached the top of the chariot, I shifted to a human form.  Not my own, but that of a fictional human I'd idolized.  One I hope to emulate, here in Equestria.  Celestia wants me to be a spy?  I'm gonna be the most badass, Spiralized spy she ever saw.  Thusly, I stood there, wearing naught but tattered pants, a battle-torn cape, and the most badass sunglasses ever designed, and I sang.

You cannot see it coming
Always without a warning
You need to hold on tighter
Find a brand new start
High on the wire
They taunted you like the Messiah
Time for a change
Before your life just falls apart
How could you find a way
From deep within your heart
Reach out and gaze at the star
Let the vision fly
We always have to spin on
Out of shadows to the light beyond
Never shut your waery eyes
But always try to see the line
Can you see it in your mind
Wearing the mask for so long
The clown must believe to hold on
Throw down your fears
and guide the strength which lies within
We always have to spin on
Out of shadows to the light beyond
Never shut your waery eyes
But always try to see the line
Can you see it in your mind
Can you see it in your mind
New rising sun will shine forever
All your power strong as steel
Turn the page and seek no saviour
Break free and see
The line through the wheel
We always have to spin on
Out of shadows to the light beyond
Never shut your waery eyes
But always try to see the line
We always have to spin on
Out of shadows to the light beyond
Never shut your waery eyes
But always try to see the line
Can you see it in your mind
Can you see the line
See the line through the wheel
Can you see the line

As my song died down, I reverted to my NEW real body and opened my eyes.  I felt a tear fall down my face.  

It was mine.  

Obviously. Do you have to be so dramatic?

Why yes, yes I do.

*groan*

I felt wings wrapping around my body.  I looked up to see Princess Celestia Everfree, (I learned her full name later) regent of Equestria, the Unconquerable Sun, pulling me into a gentle wing-hug.  I sighed.  

"I'm sorry."  We both spoke at once.  Ladies first.

"I'm sorry...Knightmare."  It felt weird hearing it still, but for all intents and purposes, it WAS my new name.  My old life is gone whether I liked it or not....I totally liked it. This was still better than working for the SCP. "I should have asked more clearly, instead of tricking you into agreeing with me."

"No need to apologize."  I said, "I was the one too rude to actually listen, otherwise I'd have actually realized it.  And I'm sorry, too.  I tend to get really emotional.  And, well, I literally CAN'T hide my emotions like I used too.  When I get emotional, I hear music, and now it just flows out. You sure gave me weird powers as a changeling. It'll take some getting used too.  But I'm confident it'll be more enjoyable than anything..."

"Hey."  It was Rainbow Dash.  She and the other elements looked at me from over the rim of the chariot.  "Any hopes for an Encore?"  I grinned, my pissy mood gone thanks to the royal hugging.  

"Sure.  But I warn you, don't go expecting something somber.  I'm feeling kinda....silly."

"How silly?"

HEY, WITCH DOCTOR!  GIVE US THE MAGIC WORDS!
Alright you go ooo eee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang
Alright!
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
I told the Witch Doctor I was in love with you
I told the Witch Doctor I was in love with you
And the Witch Doctor he told me what to do
He told me
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
I told the Witch Doctor you didn't love me true
I told the Witch Doctor you didn't love me nice
And then the Witch Doctor he gave me this advice

Princess Celestia, shockingly (or maybe not...), began to join in at this point, with the rest of the Mane Six, and even a few guards following shortly afterwards.

Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
You can keep your love from me just like you were a miser
And I'll admit it wasn't very smart
So I went out and found myself a guy that's so much wiser
And he taught me the way to win your heart
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Ooo eee oo ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bang bang!

We had JUST finished singing that song, for the third time, when we landed.  T‘was a sight to see for the populace: a bunch of guards, the six manliest mares in Equestria, and their beloved Solar Monarch singing and laughing alongside a changeling with a freaky battle axe.

I am NOT manly.

Shhh, don’t get your muscles in a bunch.

Come here you ... We’ll be right back

*CRASH BANG WHIRRRR VVZT VVT tumtumtum “YOU CRAZY- ARGH”

“SHIT”

....

*CRUNCH*

Okay! We’re done! Sorry, Knightmare needed some help with interpersonal problems that couldn’t wait. Back to the story!

...ow *sniffle*

I honestly shouldn't have been so shocked when I was tackled by five different guards, one of which was none other than-

"SHINING ARMOR!" Twilight screamed, interrupting my WTF-moment as her brother prepared to beat the green goop out of me with his bare hooves.

Thankfully, this got him to stop....and turn a bright purple ray on his own sister.

"HOLY MOTHER OF WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" I screamed, unthinkingly. Thankfully, Twilight was unharmed, though a flash of her own violet aura apparently answered that.  Shining stopped and spoke.

"Oh my Celestia, Twiley!  I thought you got replaced by one of these things!"  He proceeded to turn the beam on everypony, eliciting a different, wholly unique aura on each of them.  This drastically calmed him down.

"What the hell, bro!?" I shout, "You just blasted your own sister with a fucking LASER BEAM!  What the hell!?  And you were about to beat the shit out of me!  WHY IS EVERYONE THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AN ALLY WITH TRYING TO KILL ME!?"  I turn to Celestia with a questioning glare.

"I...might have forgot to mention that you were a changeling."  She smiled and blushed, clearly embarrassed (no, she was just a good prankster).  I responded by flying up and poking the side of her head, vaguely amused by her eyes going derped at the prodding.  

"I'm going to keep this up until you decide to forewarn me of any further attempts on my life I should know of, whether they be accidental, or more of your 'tests'...."

"Um....not likely...except, well.  One of our visiting dignitaries may not like you much...."

"Who?"

"Best to see for yourself."

"Then I'll keep poking your noggin until we arrive." We had entered the castle and were moving through the halls.

"Okay." It’s a bucking maze, that castle

"Uh, wait a minute."  Dash asked.

"Mmmmyessss?"  I asked, doing my best to sound bored even as I prodded the sun goddess' head relentlessly as she walked.

"So, now we know WHY you were singing back there...but you didn't have the guitar the whole time.  Where was that music coming from?"

"I...Would you like to answer that?" I replied. Celestia complied.

"Sound vibrations."  she smiled, before flicking my wings with her tail, causing me to stumble to the ground.  "His wings beat in such a way that it almost perfectly mimics the instruments of the songs he's singing.  But it causes him to fly erratically, which is why he was unable to properly stop his fall until the song ended.  It's also why he was able to flawlessly dodge every blow Barricade threw at him on the ground, instead of buzzing about uselessly. He kept skidding along to the rhythm of the music. Though, anyone else with a good sense of rhythm might be able to keep up."

"So in the air, I'm a dead man if I start singing, but on the ground I'm an untouchable ninja rocker."

"Basically." We seemed to be coming to a dead end with a door. I stopped poking her head...and gave her a very VERY big grin.  She got nervous, and rightfully so. I just had a WONDERFUL idea.

"So...the meeting...royal throne room?"

"Yes."

"Right down the hall?"

"Um...yes..."

"Alrighty then...Can't touch dis.”

And with that, I burst open the doors and began singing

Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
My, my, my music hits me so hard
Makes me say "Oh my Lord"
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
It feels good, when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch

A guard tried to tackle me, but I was skittering along the floor so wildly, he just plowed into a shocked noble-pony.

I told you homeboy ( can't touch this)
Yeah, that's how we living and you know (can't touch this)
Look at my eyes, man (You can't touch this)
Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics (can't touch this)
Fresh new kicks, advance
You gotta like that, now you know you wanna dance
So move, outta your seat
And get a fly girl and catch this beat
While it's rolling, hold on
Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's going on
Like that, like that
Cold on a mission so fall them back
Let 'em know, that you're too much
And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch
Yo, I told you (can't touch this)
Why you standing there, man? (can't touch this)
Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucka (can't touch this)
Give me a song, or rhythm
Make 'em sweat, that's what I'm giving 'em
Now, they know
You talking about the Hammer you talking about a show
That's hype, and tight
Singers are sweating so pass them a wipe
Or a tape, to learn
What's it gonna take in the 90's to burn
The charts? Legit
Either work hard or you might as well quit
That's word because you know...
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Break it down!

I grabbed one of the nobles, none other than Fleur De Lis, and began wildly dancing with her.  I was delighted as her screams of terror shifted to screams of joy before spinning her back into a shocked Fancypant's hooves.

Stop, Hammer time!

I stopped in front of a guard and brandished my guitar menacingly, before moonwalking towards the throne room inch by inch.

Go with the funk, it is said
That if you can't groove to this then you probably are dead
So wave your hands in the air
Bust a few moves, run your fingers through your hair
This is it, for a winner
Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner
Move, slide your rump
Just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump
Yeah... (can't touch this)
Look, man (can't touch this)
You better get hype, boy, because you know (can't touch this)
Ring the bell, school's back in (can't touch this)
Break it down!

I grabbed another noble mare and danced with her, but I was rapidly joined by several others, including Fleur.  Having a squad of back-up dancers, I grinned.  I enjoyed this shit WAY too much!

Stop, Hammer time!

I swung my guitar out again and played a quick riff, sliding on my knees beneath a charging guard, much to the amusement of my 'employer'.

Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Break it down!

Yet again, I danced with the ladies, a few stallions joining the line.  In just one song, at least half of the stuck-up nobles have had the sticks in their flanks get yanked out.  And it is GLORIOUS!

Stop, Hammer time!
Every time you see me
The Hammer's just so hype
I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic
Now why would I ever stop doing this?
With others making records that just don't hit
I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay
It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo Hammer"
And the rest can go and play
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this

As I moonwalked towards the door, I bucked it open with one hoof and continued in, followed by the Princess and my travel companions, along with some of the gutsier nobles wondering why in the world their princess allowed a changeling into the palace at all, let alone so brazenly.

And, as expected, I learned fast why Celestia was so worried.

There, sitting on the Lunar Throne, was the other diarch.

The ever adorable Second-Best Pony, Princess Luna.  

Was playing a game.

Battleship, surprisingly enough.

With a black, corpse-like, yet disturbingly sexy pony.

Did I really just think that?

Queen Chrysalis.

THE Queen Chrysalis...was playing battleship....with Princess Luna.

"Words cannot contain the awesomeness of what I see before me...."  I had hoped those were my thoughts...but no, I had spoken them.

Everyone heard me.

Luna and Chrysalis glared at the interruption, but everyone else giggled and snickered.
I looked around as all of the lovely, luscious mares stood before me, some scowling, some grinning, all of them DAMN SEXY....

Dammit brain, stop that! You are NOT supposed to be on a hormonal rush like this at 82!

"You guys wanna join me in a song?" I asked the stallions in the room.  Most of them shrugged, if they acknowledged me at all.  

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much flank
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got flank!
(LA face with Oakland booty)
Baby got flank!
I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys

I pulled an utterly massive dildo out of seemingly nowhere and show it to Twilight, whom immediately grabs it and tries to hide it....suuuspiiiiciouuuuusss!

Or, you know, maybe I was trying to keep you from being completely and utterly ridiculous and uncouth in front of a bunch of nobles. There was a line and you ignored it. Not that it mattered I suppose, but still.

That’s not the explanation that Celly and the girls gave for it

DAMMIT!

Language, missy!

I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *moan*
Till the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got flank!
Baby got flank!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the flank of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sister, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-CANTERLOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got flank!
(Little in the middle but she got much flank)
(Little in the middle but she got much flank)
(Little in the middle but she got much flank)
(Little in the middle but she got much flank)

I slapped hooves with the stallions that joined in. I was rather pleased that, rather than being angry, most of the mares were either blushing, or laughing like mad.  Apparently, the gag with Twilight made it clear that having a big flank was a GOOD thing in my books.  Although, the glare Chrysalis was giving me made it quite clear that her royal bugginess was NOT amused at my 'compliments to her physique'.

Oh dear.