by JJ Malcolm
FNTK Reborn 2.75: An Equestrian BadassAlbum 1: The Greatest Gala Ever
Chapter 3: An Equestrian Badass
I fell for hours.....nah, it was more like a half a second but I couldn't help it with the joke.
As I came to a sudden stop, I quickly realised I was clinging to the edge of a cloud with my hooves. The holes in them helped grabs chunks of the cloud. Sitting atop that cloud was none other than Princess Celestia herself, looking at me with that eternally patient smile of hers.
"Um...a lil' help here?"
"Why certainly!" She said, her smile broadening. "At least, after you're done with her."
I shouldn't have looked. I REALLY shouldn't have looked... But the sudden appearance of what could only be a changeling, namely me, right beside Princess Celestia, and more than likely right over an important city or town, would have looked like a reason to get involved to anypony present....
But to Rainbow Dash? It looked like a reason to start some bug squashing...
And I was the bug.
"FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-" My curse was cut off when Rainbow slammed into me with enough force to shatter the cloud, causing Celesta to grab for air, lest she become a splat on the pavement. As for me and a certain blue hothead?
"WHO ARE YOU!?" she screamed, right in my face I might add.
"I’M A FRIEND!LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE!?" I scream, my head addled from her slam too much to think straight. Did I mention just how WEIRD changeling voices are? I feel like I didn’t. Imagine a dozen of so different voices, all speaking SLIGHTLY off-pitch, and with an ominous buzzing thrown in. It's REALLY creepy.
“LIKELY STORY!!”
I then did my second stupid thing today. Getting blown up by a nitro creeper doesn’t count.
I looked down
WWWOOOOOOAAAAAAAIIIIIYAAAIIIYAI!!!!!!
Time for a song, to save my sorry ass.
Take some venom and accept
She strikes, I parry.
That you won't see nazareth
I know this song.
The rainbow leads you home
I LOVE this song.
Warrior sent to milky way
Ufo shooting gamma ray
A riot of destruction
Our brawl is heating up. I dip and dodge, barely keeping up with Rainbow. Hey, i didn’t say I got a LOT better in the Dream World.
"WHY THE BUCK ARE YOU SINGING!?" She shouts.
Because fuck you, that's why.
Watch the rockbitch go down, and vixen spread
She divebombs me as I plummet, keeping me from flying properly.
When the priest killed a maiden in the metal church
I strike her across the face, she bucks me in the hind-shin.
Armored saints and warlocks watched the slaughter
I reign in my wings. I’m doing much better in the dodging department. In fact, she’s hardly hitting me anymore and getting frustrated about it too. I’m still plummeting, but a good bit slower.
Rage of the slayer forced the pretty maids
I try to go on the offensive. My right forehoof hits her but I’ve overextended and my shoulder dislocates. Did I mention that I’m still not that great at fighting?
To kiss the queen in crimson glory
She turns, glaring at me, one of her teeth knocked out of place and her nose bleeding.
"Shit."
You were born a motorhead
She flies around, gathering clouds.
Bike's in flames you race ahead
The clouds congeal into a small, but dense and powerful thundercloud.
You do the kansas rush
She flies off, and for a moment I allowed myself to hope she was fleeing... Yeah, that’s bullcrap, it’s Rainbow Dash. I’m in for a world of hurt.
Racing with the motley crew
I can't see it, but she stops nearly a mile away and turns back
Annihilator chasing you
She rushes towards the storm cloud so fast she creates a Sonic Rainboom.
With guns and burning roses
"ULTIMATE BUCCANEER BLAZE!"
"Oh fuck me." Also, that’s a pretty unoriginal name
Status quo has been reached, wasps unleashed
She slams into, and THROUGH the storm cloud, surrounding herself in seven archs of searing hot lightning, each one a different color of the rainbow.
When the priest killed a maiden in the metal church
I watch in horror, with no hope of dodging the massive spear of super-sonic lightning coming my way. I’m NOT that fast in the air
Armored saints and warlocks watched the slaughter
My body tenses, and I let go, allowing my instincts to take control. They’ve saved my life before....
Rage of the slayer forced the pretty maids
Maybe they will now?
To kiss the queen in crimson glory
Make that 'Definitely', as when the impact is almost unavoidable...I open my jaws...and bite.
Take a skyride with me, then you'll see
Huzzah for dumb luck. I bite the lightning, to be exact, kicking through it at Dash, tearing her electric shield from her and sending her off course. I feel like that shouldn’t have worked.
When the priest killed a maiden in the metal church
I watch in shock, ignoring the pain in my mouth as Dash nearly crashes.
Armored saints and warlocks watched the slaughter
Everypony below is watching. Their jaws would probably drop through the ground if they could
Rage of the slayer forced the pretty maids
With the danger now gone, for the moment at least, I can think about flying and land softly.
To kiss the queen in crimson glory
My song ends, and I'm now fully conscious of just WHAT I just did.
"Can someone please explain HOW THE FUCK THAT JUST HAPPENED!? Also WHY was attacked without reason? Can’t give a guy a break? No, everypony just attacks the changeling without asking any questions when he APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE!" I scream, officially not giving a shit about 'first impressions', especially since Dash made a rather piss poor one, what with the whole 'trying to kill me' thing.
"You were attacking Princess Celestia, that's why!" Dash shouts, ever full of confidence.
"Attacking?" I asked, rather quickly getting irritated....I'm not afraid to admit I have a VERY short temper. "ATTACKING!? I didn't TOUCH her! She turned me into a changeling, brought me here, drops me from hundreds of feet in the air and you assume I was ATTACKING HER!? You'd have broken my fucking NECK if she hadn't warned me you were gonna attack!"
"....Seriously?"
"SERIOUSLY!!!!"
"Um, c-can I see your wings?" asked a butter-yellow pegasus, one I quickly recognized as Fluttershy. I sigh and respond.
"Y-yeah.... Just so long as Miss Psycho over there keeps her distance." I grimace, my mouth still hurts like hell. I think it's just burns, honestly. I keep my cool as Fluttershy approaches, looking over my wings. "Quick question...what's so interesting about my wings?"
"Um, well..." She's as shy as always, but apparently someone's been building her confidence.
"You see, normal changelings only have two wings, a single set."
"And?"
"You have two sets."
"It’s supposed to help with mobility or something."
She blushes and backs away, apparently thinking I'd been offended, or something. My jaw drops, mainly at the sudden 'Captain Obvious' actions of Fluttershy, that's not exactly normal. However, in doing so, she shrieks and runs off.
Before I can reply, both Applejack and Rainbow Dash jump me and attempt to beat the tar out of me. Yet again, running on instinct, I begin singing....again. But this isn't a song for an awesome battle. I'm pissed, and wanna defend myself. So, like an asshole, I wind up singing the most VILE song ever written in human history. A song used for torture, to induce suffering and madness, a song made ESPECIALLY for pain!
I love you
you love me
we're a happy family
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too!
The song begins working quickly, filling all who hear it with a sensation of utter gut-wrenching disgust, even me. I'm literally about to puke half way through this vile song.
I love you
you love me
we're best friends as friends should be
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too!
The song, thankfully, ends. Applejack and Rainbow Dash have backed off. I step aside into a bush and promptly barf, only to look up and see Princess Celestia doing the same.
"Please...PLEASE never sing that song again." she asks.
"Trust me, I won't..." I stand back up, still hacking up whatever's left in my throat. I hop up to a rain barrel and take a quick swig of clean water to clean it out. "I apologize, but you left me no choice."
"Dude, that was...ugh." Dash groans. Even Fluttershy was sickened by it, judging by her being curled so tightly in the fetal position she's just a pink and yellow ball.
"Here, I've got something I KNOW you'll like!"
"NO!" Twilight screams, "NO MORE SINGING!"
"Awwwwww, but I wanted to sing you the song of my people!" Heh, learning a new culture, almost guaranteed to get Twilight to change her mind.
"....fine... As long as it's nothing like that horrifying THING a moment ago!"
"Trust me, total opposite." I grin, and take a deep breath, only to be silenced by Celestia. "but-"
"Here, this may help a bit." She says, presenting me with my guitar.
“I WONDERED where that had gone.”
Just as I finished speaking, she SHOVED a hoof in my mouth. It hurt. Shocked by this, I ALMOST bit down, but she pulled it out quickly....And yanked out seven bolts of lightning that, somehow, GOT TANGLED IN MY TEETH! She smacked them onto the guitar, and each one took a place, making a rainbow of lightning, replacing the strings that were threadbare. Needed to be replaced sooner or later. But still....
"You want me to use a guitar that has LIGHTNING for STRINGS!?" I shout. "ARE YOU NUTS!?"
"I did pick you to be my patron in Discord's game..."
"And that answers my question." I sigh and decide it’s time to try a changeling power...I look up at the grinning goddess, and wind up picturing her possessed by a Nightmare, big flaming mane, gold armor, shark-toothed grin.... And almost instantly my darker corners infect the image, turning her into a buxom humanoid.... Humanoid.....yeah, that'll work! I concentrate on that form, shifting the armor to avoid any nudity faux pas. In seconds, I'm wreathed in green flames...and replaced by Knightmare Sol.
"HUZZAH! I AM KNIGHTMARE SOL! THE UNCONQUERABLE SUN!"
Yeah..I'm a very large ham. All I'm missing is some glaze....or maybe a Wooden Toaster. Either way, i've got a song to sing.
"SIT BACK, FOALS! YOU MIGHT WANT TO BRACE YOURSELVES!"
Yeah
And I set up and tore down this stage with my own two hands
We've travel this land packed tight in mini vans
And all this for the fans, girls, money, and fame
I played their game
And as they scream my name
I will show no shame
I live and die for this
And if I come off soft
Then chew on this
I practically shoved my face into Dash's, earning a surprised glare from her.
Are you scared?
Devil Without A Cause
And I'm back with the beaver hats
And Ben Davis slacks
Thirty pack of Strohs
Thirty pack of hoes
No rogaine and the propane flows
My mane flares up higher than most of the houses.
The chosen one
I'm the living proof
With the gift of gab
From the city of truth
I jabbed and stabbed
And knocked critics back
And I did not stutter when I said that
I'm going platinum
Sellin rhymes
I went platinum
Seven times
And still they ill
They wanna see us fry
I guess because Only God Knows Why
Why why why why
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh
They call me cowboy, I'm the singer in black
So throw a finger in the air and let me see where you're at
Say hey hey
Let me hear where your at and say hey hey
I'm givin it back, so say hey hey
Show me some metal and say
Hey hey hey hey
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Gat!!!!!
As the song rolls, I march through the crowd, jeering at the faces of the ponies closely, even Twilight's.
Fuck all y'all
I like AC/DC and ZZ Top
Bocephus, Beasties and the kings of rock
Skynyrd, Segar, Limp, Korn, the Stones
David Allen Coe and no show Jones
Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh
Pass that bottle around
Got the rock from Detroit
Soul from Motown
The underground stoned fuckin pimp
With tracks that mack and slap back the whack
Never gay, no way, I don't play with ass
But watch me rock with Liberace flash
Punk rock, The clash
Boy bands are trash
I like Johnny Cash and Grand Master Flash
Flash flash flash flash
I drop my armor whilst unleashing a blindingly bright light
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
They call me cowboy, I'm the singer in black
So throw a finger in the air and let me see where you're at
Say hey hey
Let me hear where your at and say hey hey
I'm givin it back, so say hey hey
Show me some metal and say
Hey hey hey hey
Uh, uh, uh, Gat
I calm down, and level a menacing glare at the Elements of Harmony
Yeah, I saw your band
Jumpin around on stage like a bunch of wounded ducks
When you gonna learn sucker
You just can't fuck with
I contort my transformed body in a seemingly painful manner, twitching psychotically. It doesn't actually hurt me, but it sure as fuck LOOKS painful.
Twisted Brbrbr Brown Brown...TRUCKER
TRuuuuuccckeeeeerrrrr
Lewd gestures continue throughout, hopping around to pester ponies until they loosen up.
I'm an... American Bad Ass
Watch me kick
You can roll with rock
Or you can Suck My Dick
I'm a porno flick, I'm like amazing grace
I grab onto Lyra and BonBon, ignoring an odd sensation from touching the earth pony mare.
I'm gonna fuck some hoe's after I rock this place
Super fly, livin double wide
Side car my glide
So Joe C can ride
Full sack to share
Bringin flash and glare
Got the long hair swingin middle finger in the air
Snakeskin suits, Sixty-five Chevelle's
See me ride in sin
Hear the rebel yell
I shout a full-on "FUS RO DAH!" in Celestia's face.
I won't live to tell
So if you do
Give the next generation a big, Fuck You!
I gleefully flip the bird to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, much to the CMC's amusement. How do they know what that means?
Who knew I'd blow up like Oklahoma
Said fuck highschool, pissed on my diploma
Smell the aroma
Check my hits
I spot what looks like a cross between Fluttershy and a bulldozer flying my way, rearing up to pulverize a perceived threat.
I know it stinks in here
Cause I'm the shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
I hop away, pillars of green and blue fire jetting up with each bounce.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
They call me cowboy, I'm the singer in black
So throw a finger in the air, let me see where you're at
Say hey hey
Let me hear where you're at and say hey hey
I'm givin' it back so say, hey hey
Show me some metal and say
Hey hey hey hey
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...huh huh
Even Celestia has begun to join in the singing. Hell, the only ponies left unamused are Fluttershy, who's still in the fetal position, and her...big sister? Mom? Either way she's still trying to kill me.
I'm a cowboy
Bad ass in black
Singin
Hey hey hey hey
From side to side
From front to back
Say hey hey hey hey
I put Detroit city back on the map
And singin
Hey hey hey hey
Kid Rock's in the house
And thats where I'm at
Hahahaha
"Captain Barricade!" Celestia shouts, catching the beautiful brute's attention. "There's no need to attack Knightmare." She uses my new name, though some appear to know I'm not a 'normal' changeling.
"But it's a changeling! Impersonating you!" She seems panicked, maybe this is after the Royal Wedding?
"Actually, HE is a minstrel. He was offering a show as I had considered hiring him."
"Wait, really?"
"Yes, really."
"Oh Celestia, you magnificent bitch." I whisper to myself, grinning at the mastery of manipulation necessary of a politician as old as her. Gotta remember, minstrel, that'll probably have to be my cover 'round here, whatever her plan is...
"Now then, Knightmare. I do believe your show made a bit of a mess." Celestia grins, "Mind helping tidy up before we go speaking in private?"
I gulp and slowly turn around, gazing upon Ponyville in the middle of a party riot of epic proportions. The town's a whole damn mess, with scorch marks almost everywhere, not to mention the damage from me and Barricade's brawl.
"Wow...did I do that?"