Lyra laid next to her partner in life, looking over at her eyes. She had cried so much, she had literally no tears left. Bon Bon had still not said a word. She exhaled, lip trembling some before she finally spoke in a much softer voice than usual.
“W-why would he say that about himself? Why would h-he hate himself like that?”
Bon Bon’s heart shattered. Lyra was a good pony, and she hurt for the big stallion seeing him beat himself up like that. She too hurt, but she had to be the strong one here. It killed her to see Lyra like this, and it hurt almost as much to see her new friend hate himself, hate who he was inside. She just could not understand it, why would anypony do that?
“I don’t know, Lyra, but we will find out in the morning. We will stay at his side and be good friends and try our best to help him see he is a good pony.”
Bon Bon gave a soft nod and a sniffle as she lay barrel and chest to the other mare, legs tangled with each other. For five years now they had been together, and other than a few of the so-called upper class ponies, no one cared. Then, she paused and frowned some thinking of something.
“Bon, did you lock up—”
Bon Bon gave a nod, cutting Lyra off. “Yes, I locked the liquor cabinet and I put away the candies in the store in the locked cupboard.”
Lyra sighed and laid her head beneath her mates chin, nose pressed to her neck and tried to find sleep shortly after.
---
Sleep was not to come for Rescue. He laid there in the strange bed, in the strange room, looking out of the window at the stars. He wished he could see the moon, but it was not to be at the angle the room afforded its view. Equal parts hate for himself, while anger at life in general tore at him. This was far worse than the guilt of being caught by his adoptive father with magazines. Sure he had just said colts shouldn’t have such things, not until he was older that is. However, his brother had told a few of his buddies, and the other colts and fillies had made it clear that he was a sick colt. The teasing and whispered words of colt-cuddler and stallion-sucker had done their job, they taught him it was wrong to think this way.
He had spent his whole life trying to be normal, to be like others. Heck, he had dated a few fillies in high school. He had even tried to be with one in bed once, but, that had turned into a nightmare. Then came the Equestrian Guard, and one didn’t dare get found out there. One guy in boot camp had been caught looking at others in the shower. He shuddered at the thought of the beating that the others had dished out on that stallion.
Of course, he got out after doing his four years as a corpspony, and got into the Fire Academy. Once more, stallions were for mares, and you were a freak if you looked at another stallion in that way. Real stallions didn’t do stuff like that, and no firepony would stoop so low. He had been hearing all the jokes and ribbing all his life, he even used the slurs and slang himself in jokes and talks with others to play himself up.
No one ever knew the few times he dared duck out. There were a few bars in Canterlot, seedy places where no good pony would go. Dark places that stunk of sweat and shame and booze. Getting drunk was easy. He could lie to himself and say that quick go on your knees in the bathroom stall was just the creature from the bottle, and not himself. Of course, it took more to wash the taste out of his muzzle and the shame out of your mind.
He wanted a drink. Luna help him, he wanted one so bad now, to just crawl back in and give himself to the oblivion of the burning down his throat and the raw ache in his gut, the pounding head in the morning, and the smell of sweat and failure. All of it would be better than facing AJ, Lyra, and Bon Bon in the morning. Better than thinking about that pegasus…
“You are a stupid, bad pony Rescue.”
Turning his head, he looked over at the mirror. He knew that voice it was the pony inside of him. The one that always helped him hide from thoughts and dreams, watching his reflection talk back to him.
“You are a waste of pony flesh, how you have not stepped out in front of a wagon or off of a ledge in Canterlot and ended things is beyond me.”
His ears fell back, Rescue sitting up. “I—I don’t want to die.”
“And yet here you are thinking about... a stallion again.” There was venom in that tone, hate coloring the words.
“I…”
“I… I… I, what? You are weak! You think the other fireponies want a... A colt-cuddler among them! You think they are going to stand side by side with a freak like you?”
Rescue whispered out softly, his big body shaking with fear. “N-no.”
Silent tears fell, as he curled up on himself, muttering to himself over and over through his silent sobs. “N-no, I-I am not that way, no."
---
AJ sat in the kitchen looking over at Lyra as Bon Bon was cooking up some hay fries for breakfast. All three kept looking out the door at the steps from upstairs where the bedrooms were. Applejack frowned some.
“It ain’t like him to still be in bed. Y’all sure you kept things, y'know, locked up?”
Lyra gave a nod and pointed to the locked cabinet, watching AJ’s eyes follow her gesture.
“Yeah, Bon Bon made sure, Applejack,” she replied, hearing a noise and glancing over.
Coming down the stairs was death. No, no, that was Rescue, but he looked like hell. His mane was not even close to brushed out, his eyes swollen and bloodshot, a five o'clock shadow on his lower maw said he had not shaved, and the smell as he stood in the doorway said he had not even taken a shower. He would not look up, he would not make eye contact with any of them. The look of utter defeat was in his motions and on his face.
“I-I can’t do this today. I got to get back and shower and, I have a lot of stuff to—”
Applejack set her hoof down on the table hard enough to rattle the plates, and make the other two mares present jump. Rescue simply flinched at the sound.
“Horseapples, Rescue. You ain’t lied to me ever, but yer doing it now like ya did last night! You gonna let that hurt our friendship?”
For a moment, just a tiny moment, he heard that voice far off "freak" before he tried to look up and meet the apple pony’s gaze. He could see anger in her eyes, but also friendship and worry, she was concerned about him. Looking from her to Lyra, who again looked so upset, and Bon Bon standing there with a pan of something. She looked, hurt, worried…
“No.”
As he sat down, a glass of apple juice and a plate of hay fries with ketchup on them was slid before him on the table. How was he going to do this? He had to find a way out of it, He had to. Just then, a hoof touched his arm and he peered over, Bon Bon looked right at his face.
“My mother, she never approved of me. I ran away from home when I was fourteen, after she came home and found me, well, in bed with a filly friend from school.”
Rescue’s eyes grew wider as he listened.
“She took to me with a belt, said she would drive the nightmare poison out of me, and that no daughter of hers would be a filly-floofer,” she paused, taking a heavy breath. “I bounced around a lot after that. Foster homes, living on the street, until I got my act together and my head in gear.”
Another soft breath came. “Five years ago, I met Lyra there, and things have been perfect since then.”
He watched her walk away to resume cooking for the other mares there. Rescue glanced up to see AJ offer a tiny knowing smile, then to Lyra who wiped her cheek and a stray tear. He looked back down at his plate and it all just, spilled out.
Over the next two hours he told of everything. His childhood with his parents, losing his family to a fire, telling them of growing up adopted, and the huge family of firefighters that helped raise him. His brother and adopted father, the other foals at school, the shame and secrets, getting beat up, being made fun of. The secret hate for his brother he harbored.
Of course, they all knew about the drinking, although not the reason. He had not been ready to open up about that to Applejack, but now it all spilled out. The heavy drinking from age of fourteen, the seedy bars, the shame of a few moments in some dirty bathroom stall or some dark stinking alleyway. Only to go back to the bar and wash down the shame and feelings with more drinking.
Not once did any of the mares break in. Not once did they stop him with a question. More than once a hoof touched his arm, or a leg snaked around him in a soft hug. The tears had started up again when he started to talk about the voice, the nagging voice that reminded him every day he was a freak. That he was not normal, that no stallion would want to go at it with another stallion. He found Lyra holding him as tight as she could as the story ran out of him with the tears of self doubt and self-loathing.
After a break, being led upstairs by Applejack to the bathroom, where she urged Rescue to wash up, and she would sit right there and wait for him. He felt just a slight bit better, even if he didn’t have the guts to look at himself in the mirror. He knew that voice would come back if he did. He came out after, head down, to find the yellow maned mare true to her word. Back down the stairs to sit on the sofa with her next to him, facing the other two across a small table.
“Now that you look a bit better, y’all got some answers to give.” She started, looking at him. “What is with you and that Ailan fella?”
Rescue shook his head. “I-I don’t know, AJ, I just don’t know. I see him and my heart skips a beat. I feel like my gut is going to flip over a few times. I-I ain’t never seen a stallion like him before, then he looks at me and he smiles. He doesn’t frown, he doesn’t look mad, he smiles and he wants to talk, but I always find a reason to get away. I guess last night I just... he was right there, and then I looked in his eyes and... damn. I really screwed it up bad, didn’t I?”
The orange mare was quiet for a moment, then gave a little nod. “Ya sure did, sugarcube, and you want a chance to talk to him again you are gonna have to work hard fer it.” She said, watching the big stallion's look. “But, ya ain’t lost all hope. Ah think if you went up to him, he would talk to ya.”
Looking over at her a long time, quiet, he then gave a nod. She was right, if there was any place he could try to not be ashamed, it was Ponyville. Perhaps the big golden pegasus would tell him off, perhaps not. However, he had to give it a go if he had his friends at his back.
“I... I will try.”
Lyra gave a small smile and glanced at Bon Bon. Together, they spoke, “Wine and juice party.”
Applejack gave a gentle smile. Rescue, however, had a sinking feeling in his gut.