"And this is Sugar Cube Corner, Grandpa! Those are my friends over there!" Twilight told Grandpa, waving over to her friends who waved back, slightly in shock of the new visitor she had brought with her.
Grandpa just looked around the Confectionery store at all the patrons staring at him. Pastries and cakes frozen halfway to the mouths of awestruck ponies with eyes the size of dinner plates and pupils no bigger than pinpricks. Grandpa thought that all of this was really gay.
"There's no way any of this can be real... I bet my wife Claretta spiked my coffee again. The slut!!"
Grandpa looked down at a filly unicorn who gazed at him with shocked curiosity.
"The hell you lookin' at?" Grandpa yelled at her. "D'you want me to throw my dirty pampers at you? That'd be a two-in-one bomb there!"
The filly scampered off out the doors of the cakery, most likely running home to her parents.
"Ahem," Applejack coughed, getting Twilight's attention, "Who's yur new frien' there Twi?" She asked. "He's c'rtainly got a way wit' words," She said with a nervous laugh.
Pinkie bounded up and freaked the hell out of Grandpa. "I like him. Cause he reminds me of me," Pinkie stated, getting confused glances from the others. Pinkie decided to elaborate. "In that he's random, like ME!!" She squealed, bouncing in place for a bit before calming down to continue. "Not the different television ratings of our vocabulary," She finished with a chuckle.
Twilight ignored her pink friend and stepped forwards, looking at her friends before turning around to face Grandpa.
"Yeah, he's a bit rough around the edges, but it's probably because he's in an unfamiliar environment and misses his home," Twilight said sympathetically, remembering her first time coming to Ponyville after moving away from Canterlot. Grandpa meanwhile sniffed the air with a look of disgust on his face before looking to Twilight.
"The hell you mean I'm 'rough'?" He asked. "I'm smooth as fuckin' silk. Best be careful or you'll slide out of your seat. And what the hell is that smell?" He asked, sniffing the air again. "I can practically taste the meth in the air. And I thought you were bringing me here to find that pharmaciss? I just loaded my last pamper."
The mane six stared at him with expressions that could only be described as confusion, amazement, befuddlement, and slight curiosity. Rarity tapped on Twilight's shoulder, getting her attention.
"Darling, I assume you "offered" to help this poor... fellow... find his way home, correct?" Twilight nodded. "And I am also assuming you volunteered us to help out as well, yes?" Twilight nodded again and Rarity sighed. "Very well, I suppose we should get started then. It may take a while and the sooner we can get him home, the less corrupted our younger and more "impressionable" ones will become. Agreed?"
Twilight nodded once more. "I'm right there with ya' Rarity," she responded, looking to Grandpa who was now sitting down and being questioned by a group of young colts and fillies and throwing out a swear word every other syllable as he spoke. Twilight frowned. "The sooner we get him home, the better."
With everyone in agreement, they began the long and arduous quest to get Grandpa home before he could corrupt the youthful minds of their young foals.
This was going to take a while...
Two days later...
Location: Sugar Cube Corner
"Here Grandpa! Try this cake!"
It had been two days since everypony began the task of finding Grandpa a way home. He sat in Sugar Cube Corner with Pinkie, who was urging him to try some of the sweets the shop had to offer. Grandpa didn't succumb easily, however.
"I don't want no damn cake, Pink one! Stop askin'!" He responded, pushing the treat away from his mouth.
"Come on!" She urged more, pushing it towards him again. "Just try it!"
"No!" He said, pushing it away again. "This sweetie gonna give you diabetie!" He continued, pointing a finger at her.
"Pleeeeaasssee??" She asked sweetly. "Just a *tiny* nibble?"
"No means no! Now you can take this cake and shove it 'you know where' Az- Ccchhh..." Grandpa attempted to say, but was cut off as Pinkie promptly shoved the pastry into his mouth.
After removing it and coughing a bit, some cake still left on his mouth, Grandpa was able to speak once more.
"Good job, you just triggered a Mardi Gras flashback. Boy that was one hell of a drug trip. I remember drinking a funny tasting tea, then waking up in my underwear with "Jamaal's Bitch" tattooed across my ass and a phone number written on my arm with the caption "For a good time, call:..."
Pinkie was frozen in place as she listened to the bizarre tale Grandpa retold to her. She did not know how to respond to that. There were a lot of doozies her Pinkie Sense could detect, but this one was off the radar and, quite literally, took the cake.
"That number is now my number one speed dial on my phone."
One Week Later...
Location: Town Market
"Hey Grandpa! Check out this comic!"
Grandpa was in the town market with Spike, Twilight's number one dragon assistant. He was somehow entrusted with the task of baby-sitting the little flamethrower as Twilight worked to find Grandpa a way home. She had given him some walking around money to buy whatever they wanted/needed, just so long as they didn't disturb her. They were currently exploring the "Fiction and Collectibles" section of the market.
Grandpa turned around to see the little dragon holding up a comic entitled "Power Ponies", whatever that was. The great thing about being a grandpa is that you got to say 'no' to everything and others had to listen.
"Put that book back, boy, I ain' not buyin' ya' shit!"
Spike harumphed, but obeyed and put the comic back. But immediately turned back around with a 5'' Mane-iac collectible action figure. "What about this?" He asked hopefully.
"Put it back, boy. That thing wouldn't even make a decent butt plug." Grandpa retorted.
Spike finally had enough of his constant denying him of everything and his attitude. He reeled back and with a good crack of his wrist flung the action figure directly at Grandpa. The toy hit him squarely in the forehead and bounced off with a 'thunk', causing him to stumble a bit.
"Op! Try me Bitch!" Grandpa challenged, putting his hands on his hips.