Chapter EightApril 21 April 16
I am not a bad man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily good either. It's kind of a gray area for me really, I'm polite, kind (most of the time), humble, and an intuitive individual, when the situation calls for it.. I'm also apathetic, selfish, detached, and generally off my rocker- if my chats with my other half are anything to go by. I like My Little Pony, kittens and candy. I also have an appreciation for people worse off then me, practical jokes and if my choice of company is anything to go by, chaos.
What I don't like however, is being bored, being talked down to, being threatened by fools, and I just can't stand little kids! Oh sure, they have their uses, mainly being d'aaw fodder, but you can always depend on a kid messing something up.
Pain... Pain was the first thing that came. Then the voice.
~That was sooner then one would expect... TV LIED TO US!~
Then I heard a thump. The sound of someone scrambling on carpet, the frantic breaths of someone in the middle of a panic attack. I wish I was panicking right now. Then I probably wouldn’t be hurting. I hear a door slam open, the sound of footsteps quickly leaving the room, and then complete silence.
I take a quick inventory. Alright, still got toes... fingers... one nose, two nostrils... a mouth... and a rather sizable bump on my head. As far as I can tell, I haven’t been hideously warped beyond all recognition. Then again, I haven’t seen a mirror. I don’t think I want to see another mirror for quite a while.
But he had to clonk me for a reason, whoever he was.
~Well you do look like an asshole.~
You know what, screw you, screw this day, and screw getting up. I let sleep overtake me. I hope Discord had gotten himself eaten by Cthulhu.
I rouse from my slumber if you could call it that... my head was throbbing. I seem to have rolled around the bathroom in my short time sleeping, I feel the cool linoleum against my face... it was slightly damp- Ewww. I hear a voice. I quickly roll over the floor and back into the position that I think I was originally at.
“...it happened in the bathroom,right?” Said someone behind the door, the tone of disbelief apparent. I hear the door knob turning. “ I’ve been kept up by two liters of cheap soda and even that hasn’t made me...” the voice pauses. The small bathroom fills with her shout”Jesus! Why is there a fricking guy in here?! John what the hell?!”
I hear the footsteps of the man who knocked me upside the head. Keep still, keep still. “Sybil, you wanna call me crazy again?”
“Well what should we do?”
“I...” I hear him slap his forehead. “Well there weren’t pink skies this time, but there’s only one explanation for this.”
“Pony?”
“Pony.”
Wait... they think I am a pony... even though I came out through a window. Damn it, what do I have to fucking do to convince people I AM A WIZARD!
~You are not a wizard, and will never be a wizard. Stop lollygagging, they are up to something.~
“Crap, if he’s new here, he’ll freak out! We can’t have him do that in the dorm rooms.” He pauses, probably to scratch his head in befuddlement; that’s what I would be doing around now anyways. “Sybil, do you think it’d be safe to put him in a bed?”
Damn, a bed would be so nice right now.
“I don’t know. If he freaks that won’t be good. I’ve got some zip ties for his hands and feet though.”
“That might be best for now. Go get those. I’ll call up Pete to see if he can stay somewhere else tonight.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back, just be careful, okay?”
“Well, I think I conked him pretty hard. He’ll probably be out for a bit.” Score one for TV education. “We all need sleep though and we’ll get nowhere without it.” I hear the lighter pair of footsteps leave the bathroom, leaving me with the man presumed to be named John. I feel his breath on my face, it smells faintly of gnocchi... which reminded me of the spaghetti on my shirt. I hear him say, “Who are you?”
~Oh, there is just sooo much you could do with this moment... Don’t screw this up!~
Lets see, I could suddenly open my eyes and scream at him.... He sounds pretty weary and I bet it would take a second or two for him to register me scaring him. Hehe-oh shit my mouth. I felt my mouth squirm a bit. He bends down further. Oh crap, he thinks I’m gonna say something. Errr... ummm.... I remember my shirt again. I muster all I can to keep myself from smiling. I take a breath and force words through loose lips, acting like I’m still knocked out. “Fwoals I’ma gweat an pawful Twixie.”
I wish I could see his face right now... I bet his eyes are bugging out and everything. “What’s going on?” He says, completely flabbergasted.
I hear Sybil run back into the room. “John! What’s going on? I can hear you from the hallway.”
“Sybil, we got trouble. That’s Trixie.”
HAHAHAHAhahahaha, oh God my sides. Don’t move! Don’t move or all will be lost!
“What?” she says, probably with the same expression that John had on his face.
“He... she mumbled her name. Plus, look!” I feel John poking the middle of my chest. “Isn’t that her cutie mark?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I haven’t seen that episode in a while.” I hear the sound of plastic on plastic. “I do remember her being loud and boisterous though. John, you’d better get the duct tape.” I am beginning to regret my decision to pretend I am a pony. “It’s safer to keep her quiet until we’re sure she won’t talk. We’d better keep her in my room too. Jane and I will keep watch on her, you’re out of commission until tomorrow.”
I hear John walk away for a moment as Sybil straps the ties around my legs and arms. “Got it.”
“Thanks.” I hear tape tearing. Sybil slaps it on my face. That’s going to suck taking it off. Sybil grabs my right arm and swings it over her shoulder, carrying me like a small backpack. “Okay, I’ll take care of ‘her’ you get some rest now, though I’ll get you in the morning, okay?”
Her gentle swaying as she carries me down the hall lulls me into a deep sleep... the last thing I hear before I really pass out is John saying, “Righ....”
Oh Ashton.... Asssshhhhton... It’s time to wake up. Six eyes staring Six eyes staring Six eyes six eyes six eyes six six six.
Ahh, I feel so good. I really needed that nap. My eyes can barely open. I’m sure I don’t even want to really wake up yet. I feel someone nudge my shoulder. Screw waking up. I don’t move. I feel someone’s breath on me... Fine! I’ll wake up. I open my eyes. Three, three pairs of eyes stare at me with what looks like hard cruel malice.
Gotta get up! Gotta get up! Can’t move my hands! Ah! Crap! Crap! Crap! I shove my head forward in a mad attempt for freedom. I make contact. I don’t really feel anything, must be the adrenalin. I hear a yelp. Someone did feel something at least... Good. I scream.
...Or try to, all that comes out is, ”Mphfaafalf faf! Gwarfaf afw pwalf twiflalf dafdf wahla sha ifal!” I have masking tape plastered on my face. It tugs at my hair. How the hell did I get here? I look at the man who is grabbing me by my shoulders.
“Trixie! Trixie! It’s okay! I know this is all really strange, but we’re not gonna hurt you. So just calm down and we can take the tape and ties off, okay? Then we can explain everything.”
Dear god, I have been abducted by psycho bronies who have gotten it in their heads that I’m Trixie!
~Cranky Doodle Donkey, I could understand... but Trixie? You give yourself waaay too much credit.~
I stop trying to escape. I look around the room, trying to take it all in. My captors probably think I am still panicking. Okay so there’s a computer in this room. Plan A; incapacitate everyone, get on the computer and watch the new season finale pony video. Three of my captors, little girls come up and talk to me.
“Um, Ms. Trixie, I know we haven’t met, but you know my sister from Ponyville. Mr. John’s a really nice po-er... person, so can you please calm down?” A little girl with weird purple and pink hair. Damn, who dyed her hair like that? Pretty awesome.
“Yeah! Ah mean, we were all pretty scared too, but it got better” the red headed one said. Wait... it’s all coming back to me. Freaking Discord. Wait, these two seem reaaaallly familiar. But where are they fr- Oh my God equestrians. But... why don’t I know which ones they are? And I call myself a brony... for shame. “At least ya got to keep your mark,” she mumbled. So she’s young pony then, if she doesn’t have a cutie mark.
Giving one last sweep of the room, lingering on the computer before I face the man holding my shoulders. “Okay, now that we’re all nice and calm, why don’t-” This is the guy who clonked me with a shower stand... I take in a deep breath, and spit off the masking tape. Ouch! It slaps against his face with a plop. “What the...”
Okay Ashton, you are Trixie, you were once a female pony that was in one of the early episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You are understandably frazzled, and are now tied up. What do you do? The answer is obvious. I frown sharply and yell out,” Let me go! I have my rights!”
Wow... that certainly shut them up didn’t it? Their expressions are aghast as they all rush me, clamping their hands on my face. Wow, these guys aren’t that bright are they? I bite down on one of their palms. The girl, Sybil wasn’t it, yelps out, ”Ow!”.
John clamps my mouth shut with both his hands. He exclaims, ”Darn it Trixie! Just be calm okay!”
“Yeah!” The red headed little girl yells.
“Listen to Mister John!” A purple haired kid shouts, her hands slapping against my face.
“Cutie Mark Crusader Quiet Keepers!” The bi-colored girls’ words fill me with anxious dread... I should do what they say now.
I stop and roll my eyes, admitting defeat.
“Are you gonna be calm?” John asks me. I give another eye roll, settling into the whole Trixie bit.
~This whole acting bit suits you. You should have been a transexual.~
“Okay, everyone, just let go of her slowly.” He says, the people finally get off me.
Okay, pout lips, speak in third person. “The Powerful and Great Trixie...” I messed that up didn’t I? Grinding my teeth in anger I continue, ”Demands to know where he, er...” Crap crap crap Trixie’s not a dude, get it straight! “She is?”
“Okay,” he sighs and draws in a breath. “you’re very far from Ponyville.”
Great, its going to be hard to find out where I really am. I better try one more time. “Yes yes.” Oh, wait, gotta be a snob. I lift my head and glare at them from the tip of my nose. “But where am I-” Damn it! Third person Ashton! Trixie talks in third person! “-I mean, where is the Strong and Almighty...” Crap, was that the way you are supposed to say it? “Trixie?”
“Well this is a place called Earth,” he explains to me, like I’m a child or something. He places a hand on his chest. Oh hey, is he going to try doing the whole tarzan thing with me? “I’m John. These are my friends Sybil and Jane.” he turns to look back at the other person behind him, who could have been Sybil, or Jane.
“Um, hi,” Jane/Sybil/SybilandJane awkwardly said.
“And these...” he waved his hand over the three girls. “are other ponies. You getting all that?”
I am so freaking thirsty.
~Ask for a coke, I’m sure that will work out juuuust fine for you.~
“What day is it?” Asking a perfectly reasonable question before my request. ”Also, do you got any Coke?”
He turns to look at the girls, probably to ask them a question for some reason, before jerking his head back and demanding, ”How do you know what Coke is?” I have no hands and I must facepalm.
Gotta fast talk my way out of this! Just smile and fake it till you make it. “O-of course Equestria has coke!” My cheeks hurt.
“What the hay is coke?” the one I will now refer to Purpy asked.
“Oh!” ‘Swirly’ shot up her hand. Where does she think she is? School? “I know! I know! I bet it’s something adult ponies have!” Oh God. This is all going downhill.
‘Reddy’ raised an eyebrow. “What are ya talking about? Neither Sis or Big Mac ever mentioned anything like that.” She scratched her disorganized red hair. “Hmm, then again Ah think Granny Smith mentioned something about caca.. Choco... Chocolate leaves! That’s it!” She gets right into my face. “Do ya want hot chocolate? ‘Cause if ya ask, Mr. John or Ms. Jane can probably make ya some?”
Swirly reached forward and yanked her friend back. “Sorry about that. But seriously Ms. Trixie, what’s Coke?”
I swivel my head around to think of something. Screw it, deny deny deny! “T-they don’t know what they’re t-talking about. They’re obviously lying! Lies! All Lies!”
John shakes his hands or something, I’m not not really paying attention during my panic. “Okay okay, no need to yell. Just...” great, it seems that he’s going to drop this. He turns to the person behind him. “What?”
“Can we just talk for a second?” Sybil, or was it Jane, (lets go with Jane), said.
“Um, okay. Shoot.”
“Not here.” she gestures at the closet. “Don’t want to upset anyone.” This can’t be good. Nah, they couldn’t possibly see through my ruse. I’m so clever.
~They are coming up with ideas on how to interrogate you no doubt. The gig is up! Punt the red headed one and jump! JUMP FOR YOUR LIFE!~
John looks at the girls and me. He sighs. “I’ll be right back” He gets up and follows Jane to the small closet. He gives one quick look at Sybil. “Sybil, Keep an eye on them for a sec.” He opens the door and steps inside with Jane.
My nose itches... It really itches! I can’t scratch it... Or can I? I slowly tilt over the bed while my captors watch confused. I slowly touch the floor with my nose.
The girl, Sybil sighs, saying, ”Did you really have to bite me?”
“Yeah!” Yells the red headed one (Or was it the purple headed one?) shouts. ”Didn’t your parents teach ya not to bite other ponies?”
I rub my nose on the carpet. Oh yeah, that’s good! “Yeah, sorry about that. I don’t do well with hands on my face. Your carpet smells nice.” Ooooh, hey sunglasses!
“Um.... okay, it’s not that amazing.” Sybil says.
“Well,” Swirly says,” These things are a little weird.”
I maneuver the shades onto my brow, nearly poking my eye. I bet I look ridiculous. I wag my feet a bit, trying to get back up onto the bed.
“What are you doing?” Asks Purpy.
“Scratching my nose.” I manage to say with my face pressed up against the floor.
“You okay?” Sybil asks stupidly.
“Oh no, I’m just fine!” I say sarcastically. I twist around and do a pose with the pair of shades on my face. I turn onto the bump on my head. Ouch.
“My shades! How’d you find those?” She asks.
“I’m good at finding things, what can I say?” I say plainly. “Mind helping me up?”
“Come on.” She grabs my shirt and hauls me upright, letting me go like a dead fish.
~Quick! Kick her in the crotch and bounce away!~
“Mind if I get comfortable?” I ask. I begin to shift around.
“I guess, again sorry about the ties; they’re just a preca-” she stops dead after I grunt and pop one of my joints as I looped my arms over my legs. I look at her amazed face as I stand myself up and get on the bed.
“This ain’t my first rodeo, Sybil.” I say as I move my sunglasses into place.
“That didn’t look right.” Swirly squeamishly says, looking at me. “Lets not try that.” I feel a small spasm of pain.
Yeah, thats probably a good idea. I sigh and start twiddling my thumbs. “So, care to tell me about yourself Sybil?” Making small talk, how the mighty have fallen.
John opens the door to the closet and looks at me confused. Took him long enough, doesn’t he know that you shouldn’t keep a lady waiting? ...Wait. Getting too much into this bit. Must. Resist. Going. Full. Retard. “Um...” He looks over at Sybil, who was resting on a cabinet. “Sybil, why are Trixie’s hands in front of her now?”
“You know how hard it is to actually pull that off? It was actually kinda cool to watch. Besides, she’s still zip tied.” Yeah right, like this plastic couldn’t be chewed through in seconds. But let them bask in their false sense of security.
“And the shades?” Jane asks.
“I was actually looking for them. Only took a gender-swapped humanized unicorn to find them.”
John facepalms.
“What?” I say with a shrug.” I can find things.”
“Okay.” John says, running his hand through his hair. He leans over the bed, just out of my reach. “Trixie, we just need to ask you a few questions, okay?”
Oh, so they are going to interrogate me huh? Well I played L.A Noir! I know how this goes!
~No, you watched someone play L.A Noir, and badly at that.
Alright, first order of business. Throw him off his high horse, demean him. Show this guy whos boss!
“Okay four-eyes, out with it,” I say bluntly.
“Oi, a bit hostile. I mean it’s not like we...” He looks down at my zip ties. That’s right, feel the guilt! Feel it hard! “Um...”
Lets add on to this. “You hit me with a shower stand, you psycho.”
The guilt is quite apparent on his face. “Well look, I was just a little out of it. I...” The little girls were giving him a funny look now. “I was tired!” He focuses on me. “Look, I’m sorry and I’ll make sure to get you back home, okay?”
Hah! Home... what home? I look at the kids... Why would they even be here? “What sort of weirdo hangs out with little kids anyway?”
He sighs yet again. “They’re not kids, they’re ponies. Just like you were.”
This bit is getting old. “Pssh, whatever.” I say.
Jane raised an eyebrow. “You meet the only three of your kind and that’s your response?” She gets just as close as John is and narrows her eyes. “So, Trixie. How did you get famous?”
I don’t know the answer to this question. I haven’t seen that episode in months! This isn’t good, this isn’t good-panic panic panic!
Wait wait, it’s coming back to me! I clap my hands together. “Uhh... there was a bear and it was like really big! Yeah! There was a giant bear!
She leans in further. John backs away, a scared look on his face. She says, ”You’re lying.”
Looks like the jig is up! Hahaha.
“I’m really Steven Magnet! Couldn’t you tell by my fabulous mouuuusstache?”
“You don’t have one.” Sybil says.
Damn their cunning. I wince at the memory of my modest mustache, which perished in the fire.
“Okay then, I am Zecora!”
“You’re not rhyming,” says Reddy. “Zecora always rhymes, and yah haven’t even said one rhyme yet.”
“Okay then...” Gah, my mind is blanking out! “Uh... Er... I’m Derpy!”
“How come your eyes are normal, then?” Sybil asks.
Damn damn damn damn! Okay, lets try some of the better known characters. “Uh yeah... That’s because I’m Scootaloo! Yay Rainbow Dash!”
“Hey!” Purpy jumps onto the bed. “I’m Scootaloo! You got that?”
Gah! Why didn’t I realize it sooner. Its so obvious! The purple hair! The spunky go-getter attitude! and the other two are of course, …
…
~And you call yourself a brony. For shame!~
Why don’t I know these other two. This reminds me of the first time I met Discord. Better pretend I’m another character. “I... I mean Ah’m Apple Bloom. Yep, Ah want my cutie mark now!”
“Hey!” Redhead launched herself next to Scootaloo. “That sounds nothing like me!”
Two for two! Wow, I am on a roll! I look at the last one... this time I’m going to just guess the last ones name. “W-well of course! Because I’m Sweetie Belle! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,” I sing, a perfect duplicate of Sweetie Belle’s lovely voice.
“Hey!” Sweetie joined her friends. “I don’t sing that badly!” She jabs at me with her finger. Everyone's a critic. “Who are you really?”
Well this has gone on long enough, might as well end it with a funny character. I hope they won’t be mad. “I’m...” Okay what character? Lyra? Nah. Oh, this one is perfect! “Tom! You know, the boulder!”
John sweeps his hand through his hair. “Christ! He’s not even from Equestria, he’s just a fan! Damn it!” He stands up and looks over to the CMC as he frowns sharply in thought. “He warned me about this!”
“Who?” Jane asked, taking the words right out of my mouth.
“The guy online! He said crazy bronies would come for them if I was stupid!” He slams his fist on the bed. “Darn, we need to get this guy far away from here.” Jeez, talk about drastic.
I better fix this. Gotta turn up the charm. “Wait wait wait!” I cry out. Alright, just getting some breaths before I continue, relax Ashton, you can do this Ashton, just gotta show them that we’re all in the same boat.
~You are going to screw this up so bad.~
“Look, I’m not here for the CMC. I’ve dealt with enough Equestrians as it is.”
“What?” They all ask flatly.
“Look, isn’t it obvious that I have dealt with some serious pony sh-” Kids! “Er, poop?”
John’s eyes narrow. “Who are you and who did you find?”
Alright, guilt them up. “Why would I tell you anything when all you’ve done is tie me up, beat me, and belittle me?”
“I’m sorry strange-man-who-snuck-into-my-room, but I made a promise to keep these girls safe, and having a chaotic person like you around ain’t good news.” He turns to Sybil. “Get something ready to blindfold him. We can’t let him know where this is.” Yep, this is spiraling out of control. Hmmm... Speaking of unknowable locations... I wonder where Discord is? Probably on the other side of the world. I hope he’s getting fondled by dropbears somewhere in the outback.
~You know he isn’t far. Quit denying it. ~
One of the few times I acknowledge my crazy self. He probably is somewhere around here as we speak, er... think! My hands and feet are bound! I want out! I want out! “Er. Look, just give me three things and I’ll explain everything. I’m a little stressed from how things are playing out here man.” Just need a shower, a fresh set of clothes, and a coke. Thats all I want. Gotta show Discord that I’m not in a jam.
“I ain’t giving you crap!” He yells.
Great. Just great.
Gotta appeal to his need to protect the CMC. “I’m not sure you have a choice if you’re worried about these girls being found out.”
He stops dead. “What do you mean?” He asks with clenching teeth. There we go, got to him finally.
I smile. “Well, you need to answer my demands to find out,”
He yanks me by my shirt. Oh balls. Violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!
~Here I thought I couldn’t hate you anymore, and then you bring out the Monty Python quotes. You sicken me.~
“Alright, look, I got three scared kids here and I’m not in the mood for games. You either know something or you don’t. Now talk!”
I give up, there’s no avoiding this. I bet you he is going to pop up as soon as I start explaining my situation. That would be just like him, wouldn’t it? I sigh. “Fine, whatever, I’ll tell you who I fou-”
There is a banging at the door. A familiar rapping, as ominous as the one from Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven.
John turns away from me to look at the door. It was the door that John and Jane went into to have a secret chat. It was the closet. The knocking is coming from the closet.
“The hell?”
“Pizza!” Comes a voice I know all too well.
Jane says, “John, the closet was empty when we were in there.”
“I know”
The knocking continues
“John.” Sybil says, sounding scared. I would probably be scared if I wasn’t already used to this. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know.” Oh that’s a shocker.
This is going nowhere fast. “You should probably check on that.” I say sounding more weary than I intended.
“Jane, get in front of the girls” John says as he takes a step forward.
“John, wait! What if it’s dangerous?”
“Why do you think I asked you to get in front of the girls?” He says, his hand on the door handle. Wow, what a stupid hero.
“Be careful Mr. John,” Sweetie says moving further away from the door and further toward the centre of the bed. Hnngggh! That’s seriously cute. The rest of the CMC crawl backwards, further to the back of the bed.
“I will be.” He says.
Some cheezy jazz kinda music flooded the room.
My sigh goes unnoticed. John shouts out, ”Jesus!” He jumps back, almost falling on the Crusaders. “The fu..”
I get a good look at the newcomer. Well, he has worn sillier costumes I suppose. Pizza delivery uniform with a hot dog hat. The smell from the pizza he was holding was making me salivate... I realize I haven’t eaten in two days.
~You ought to eat it, there is no way that’s going to turn out bad for you.~
“Oh come now,” the man interrupts John in mid-curse. He zones out a bit and looks at his apparel. “Why am I... oh nevermind.” He looks at John.
“Did someone order... a pizza?” John looks visibly affected. Is this how I looked when I first met this man?
John, to his credit, manages to stammer out, ”W-who are you?”
He refrains from answering John’s question. He nonchalantly tapps his right ear with his left ring finger. “Hmmm, I need to get this fishy taste out of my mouth... you got any bologna?”
“Who a-are you? John says again. He looks back at the CMC, who are probably terrified.
The man rolls his eyes. “Why, Discord of course!” He smiles, revealing yellow teeth.
I had seen this coming from a mile away, and I tried to stop it... I really tried. “Ah, crap.” I say to myself.