*Grumble* *Grumble*
"Ugh..." Swift mumbled. He had woken up earlier than he usually does, from his hunger.
'Hey, the force field is gone, I don't have to feel claustrophobic anymore! Now, where's the damn kitchen? I am so hungry...'
Swift wandered around Twilight's house looking for the kitchen. He figured if Twilight was going to be a make bad assumptions, he would show her that he isn't half bad! It's the perfect plan!
'Aha! Kitchen!' Swift began to scavenge the kitchen for food. He picked out ingredients to make a breakfast nopony could resist eating. Swift began making the food, eventually he finished. Vegetable omelets, toast, and some sweet grits! Twilight would immediately apologize for judging him too quick.
As Swift Slash was setting up the table for two, he felt a disturbance in the force.
'Who is THAT guy!?'
Swift shrugged it off and whistled while finishing the table. Then suddenly he felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck.
"AGH! What the Hell? What is this?" Swift questioned himself out loud.
"I'll teach you to rob our house, you filthy thief!"
Swift reached to his neck and grabbed something scaly and pulled it in front of him. A baby dragon was trying to punch swift in mid air, but couldn't reach him. "Lemme go! Lemme go so I can teach you a lesson you'll never forget!"
Swift slammed the dragon on the wall and pulled out his free hoofed hidden blade. He directed it to the dragons throat.
"WAIT!!!" Twilight screamed. "What are you doing with Spike!?"
Bad time for Twilight to come. She had woken up due to the slam that Swift had done to Spike.
"This little bastard tried to kill me!"
"That little....dragon is my assistant! Put him down!" Swift followed orders, since Twilight explained Spike.
'So much for Twilight seeing the good side in me...'
They all sat down at the table Swift had so generously made.
"Spike, I'm sorry I didn't tell you we had a guest, but that doesn't mean you try to put things into your own claws. And YOU, you should be apologizing here. You almost killed Spike! What is wrong with you!?" Twilight yelled.
"He tried to-"
"NOPE! I don't want to hear it! Apologize."
"Bu-"
"Ahem!"
"Ugh...Spike...I'm sorry I almost turned you into grated cheese. Better?"
"A little more....Dignified please."
"Spike, I'm sorry I almost killed you. Are you satisfied now?"
"Thank you. Now, what is this?" Twilight questioned pointing at the food.
"I made us breakfast. Well I was TRYING to make us breakfast to show you that I'm not a bad pony."
"And how did that turn out?"
"It turned to shit."
"SWIFT! One rule of this household, no cursing. Understand?"
"Really?" Swift said sarcastically. Twilight gave Swift the 'Say-I-Understand-Or-I'll-Murder-You-Stare' "I understand."
"Glad to hear. So you didn't poison these or anything, did you?" Twilight said.
"If I ate first bite, would that make you feel any better?"
"Much." Twilight said. Swift took a bite of everything.
"See? Nothing to worry about. Now eat up, this was a pain in the.....flank to make."
***
Twilight and Swift had finished breakfast; they had given some to Spike as well.
"Well, if you need me, I'll be out exploring my 'NEW' town."
"Oh, if you're going out, can you get me these groceries?" Twilight said while giving Swift a shopping list with her magic.
"What do I look like? Your maid?" Swift said. Twilight gave him the puppy-eyes and quivering lip.
"You must not understand. I'm a cold-blooded assassin. Giving me a cute look isn't going to change my mind."
"Do it or I'll make you feel a type of pain you've never felt before."
Swift looked at Twilight funny.
"That could have been taken a few ways. Chances are it's the one I DON'T want to happen, I'm leaving."
"Good," Twilight said. As Swift left, Spike looked at Twilight.
"That guy has a sick mind," Spike said.
***
'Let's see, what does this mare want from me? Some more eggs, lettuce, bread, and 3 tomatoes.' Swift thought to himself. He looked in his bag to see how many bits he had. '3,400 bits, huh? Damn, we must have been taking a lot more money than I thought...'
As Swift walked to the market, he was examining Ponyville. Since it was in the morning, he could study it much better. But, Ponyville was also examining him. Everypony he walked by looked at him as if he were an alien. Was it because he wore robes? Was it because he wore a hood? Was it because he was walking on his hind legs? Was it because he had a lethal arsenal of weapons around his waist? If you guessed all of the above, you win.
Swift took note of all the stores Ponyville had to offer, and all the ponies Ponyville has to offer. Let's just say Swift looked at Ponyville as the most fruitiest towns he's ever seen. As Swift was approaching the market, he felt something latch onto his tail. He looked behind him to see a small alligator biting.
"What, the, Hell!?" Swift had to say out loud. This moment was just too weird not to. "Get off me you...little...son of a-"
"Gummy! Get off Swift! That is NOT how we treat new ponies around here!" Swift heard Pinkie say as he saw her trot towards him. The alligator followed orders and jumped off Swift's tail and jumped onto Pinkie.
"Pinkie. The Hell is that thing?" Swift questioned.
"Oh! It's my pet alligator, Gummy!"
"You have a pet alligator....named Gummy?"
"Yes indeedy! He's got no teeth, so it doesn't hurt when he bites you!" Pinkie said while Gummy was biting her all over her body.
"You my friend, are something else."
" *GASP* You finally said it! You finally said we're friends! Yay!" Pinkie said, shocked.
"Of course we're friends Pinkie..." Swift said.
"Well, I gotta go give Gummy his bath. He ran away before I could give him one. Bye Swift!"
"See ya, Pinkie."
'She is frickin' crazy.'
When Swift finally arrived, he looked for the stands with the items he needed. He had bought 12 eggs, lettuce, and bread all for 5 bits. Now, all he needed was the tomatoes. He approached the tomato stand to see a stern, bored looking pony manning the register. Swift looked at the sign that read: '3 tomatoes = 1 bit.' He put one bit on the counter and took the tomatoes. He turned around and started to walk away to hear:
"Ahem!" Swift turned around. "Sir, that'll be 2 bits."
"Uh, it says '1 bit' right there!"
The cashier took the poster down and rewrote '3 tomatoes = 2 bits' "I'm not paying 2 bits. It said 1 bit when I got here, that's how much I pay for them."
"TWO BITS!"
"ONE BIT!"
"TWO BITS!"
"ONE BIT!"
"TWO BITS!" At this point, Swift had taken out his hidden blade and put it to the cashier's neck.
"One bit and that's my final offer..." Swift said in a low tone. The cashier gulped and started to sweat.
"Okay! Okay! One bit it is! Good day!"
"Thanks. You too." Swift said, sheathing his blade and walking away. Swift wasn't poor obviously, but he just doesn't like to be pushed around and be stepped on like a door mat.
Swift spread his overly sized wings and flew towards Twilight's house. When he got to Twilight's house, he landed on the balcony. He started to walk in the house when he heard something.
"Who," An ominous voice said. Swift turned around and looked to see where was it was coming from.
"Hello?" Swift asked aimlessly.
"Who."
"Who is that? Who's there?"
"Who." Swift turned around to see a little owl looking straight at him.
"Aw, hello little guy, how are you?" Swift asked the owl.
"Who," the owl responded.
"Y-you, who else?" Swift questioned.
"Who."
"YOU!"
"Who."
"Me?"
"Who."
"I am Swift Slash," Swift said.
"Who."
"Uh, ME! Swift Slash."
"Who?"
"Goddamn it, I have no time for this."
"Who."
"ME! I have no time for you!"
"Who?"
"YO-AGH! Forget it, I'm outta here." Swift went through the balcony window to see Twilight reading.
"Ah, you're back! Do you have my things?" Twilight asked.
"Yes I have you things, here." Swift gently put the groceries down, remembering the eggs, otherwise he would've thrown them. "So who the hel-HAY, is that owl outside?"
"Owlicious?" Twilight asked.
"So that's what you call him."
"Yes, he is my pet."
"I want to beat his beak in..." Swift muttered.
"Excuse me?"
"Um...nothing? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow off steam."
"You're going to go do Yoga?"
"Nah, I'm just going to get drunk off my ass." Swift said then took off out the window.
'Yup, he sure is a grade-A assassin huh?' Twilight thought.
***
Swift landed in front of a bar named: 'The Hammered Hay.'
'At least this town has SOME redeeming qualities.' Swift thought to himself. He entered the bar and sat down in a long-legged chair. Again, everypony looked at him funny. That's the price you have to pay to look awesome.
"Bartender, anything that will make me feel less sorry about my sorry life," Swift said.
"Can-do, kid," Swift might look young, but he really is only a few years older than the mane six. He would've usually crammed those words down the bartenders mouth, since 'kid' is something that, when Swift is referred to, pisses him off. But he wanted his drinks.
About 1/5 of vodka and 5 beers later....
"Hey everypony, look, I'm a walrus, arf arf!" Swift said in an Irish accent. He tends to do that when he's drunk.
"Sir, you're drunk." The bartender said.
"What makes yee say that, laddie?"
"You're speaking differently than you were before."
"Aye, you're wrong lad, I speak IRISH! Pass meh another beer, wouldja?"
"I think you've had enough, sir." The bartender said.
"I'll tell yee when I hath had enough! A tru' Irishmin could never have too much beer!" Swift said.
"Look, do you have anypony else to help you get home?"
"Aye, I DO have somepony with meh, he ain't no pony though. DONKEY! C'mere!" Swift said, still in an Irish accent.
A real Irish pony who had been listening to the conversation the whole time didn't think that joke was funny.
"Yee think you're a funny guy, eh?" said the true Irish pony.
"Maybeh, maybeh not. What's it too yee, oldtimer?" Swift said.
"Everything," the Irish pony said while breaking a bottle against a table.
"Oh, yee want a fight? Yee'll get a fight!" Swift said. The Irish pony attempted to hit Swift many times with the broken bottle. Even when intoxicated, Swift still had moves. He dodged every attempt, then when it started getting boring, he punched the Irish pony across the face, roundhouse kicked him in the muzzle, elbowed him in the gut, then with a closed hoof, hammered the backside of his head. (He was bending over due to being hit in the gut) Swift then picked up the pony and smashed his face into a wall. The pony dropped unconscious, bleeding out of his nostrils.
"Aha! Take that, yee bastard!" Swift said.
Swift was then grabbed by two huge stallion security guards and thrown out the back.
"FINE!" Swift said to the door, "I don't need you! I'll open up my own bar! With, blackjack, and, and hookers!" Swift walked slowly back home, still drunk off his ass.
When he opened the door, Twilight and Spike were cleaning up the house, something they always seem to do.
"Look who's back," Spike said in a dull tone.
"Well, well, well, you came back. So how'd it go?" Twilight asked.
"Well," Swift said, still in an Irish accent. "I drank to me hearts desire"
"And...you're drunk. Great."
"I want to do things to yee body that I cannot spell...." Swift said.
"Yeah, you're definitely drunk," Twilight said.
"Want me to tranquilize him and throw him in bed?" Spike asked.
"Please do," Twilight said.
After about 30 minutes of chasing Swift, Spike managed to get a dart into him. He picked him up and threw him in bed.
"Ugh. Nighty-Night Swift!" Spike said.