7 Human in Ponyland

by shiftylookingcow

Chapter 7: Bully Beatdown: Ponyville Edition

Monday 9/28th

-Recap-

It's been about a little more than a week since the Applebucking incident. Me and the others along with her pony friends helped Applejack with collecting apples until Big Mac healed up properly. I also noticed that Applejack and my best friend were getting really really close to each other. I mean Applejack walking beside him really close-like. I just figured they were just getting to know each other better and talking about deep stuff. I'm not the type to jump to conclusions or anything.

Rainbow Dash kept visiting the house every day after she was done with her weather control shift. We just relaxed an hung out. That is, unless I had jobs to do. Sometimes I had to cut my time with Dashie short to repair or help carry things. I made good use of my dad's power tools. A few ponies wanted to go inside the garage. That's one of the rules I set against the ponies and the children, Stay out of the garage! Really, we had nothing but power tools and Jeff's truck full of guns, the later being the real reason why we set the rules for them. Remember when I joked about Jeff getting ready to start a war with all of those guns? What do you think would happen if our pony neighbors got that idea? Anyway, Rainbow is getting along with Brianna and Jonathan just fine. They taught her how to play the Wii U. She had a little bit of issue pushing the buttons with her hooves, so she had to stick with games such as Wii Sports Club. Whenever we did hang out, it was pretty fun. Brianna asked me if I should introduce her to my 360 and its games. I thought about it, but I don't know how ponies would react to Prototype and the Halo franchise. Jeff said that "The pansy ass prissy little ponies would probably have nightmares for years and we'd have to clean the floors of pony piss and shit because they can't handle the awesome brutality!" Really Jeff?

-Recap Finished-

I was helping Spike out with carrying some blank scrolls from Town Hall for Twilight. She had sent us both there. Spike to carry scrolls, and me to ask Mayor Mare about sending the little kids to school. Hiroto may not need to go, but I think he could learn how things work in this world. So Spike and I were walking to Town Hall when we came across Pinkie Pie, who was humming.

"Hey Pinks!"

"Oh! Hi Xavier! Have you seen Rainbow Dash?!"

"Nope. Why?"

"I have a pretty fun idea for us to do! I think she'll love it!

"Well, if you find her, tell her I said hey."

"Okie dokie!"

And with that, she trotted off. Spike and I looked at each other, shrugged, and continued on. We got there at around noon. We had to wait in a line to see the mayor. Bad news, the ponies weren't really all that intimidated by me this time, so they didn't run off or step aside and I had to actually wait. Good news is that the line wasn't really that long and the ponies in front of us just wanted simple things like home expansions or minor complaints. It took about 15 minutes before we were up.

Spike went ahead first. It didn't take long before he was holding a stack of rolled up scrolls. They were already set for him to pick up and walk out with. I went in afterwards. I had to promise her that there wouldn't be any funny business this time, so I did. I had asked her about the local school taking my little sibling and her friends to school with the ponies. It wasn't an issue, besides the fact that no pony knows much about humans, therefore things that are taught may not apply to them. However, school haven't even started yet so that would be an issue for another time.

I followed Spike out of the Town Hall. I offered to carry some of the scrolls for him, but he said he could handle it. I shrugged and let it be. That was when I heard thunder from a could way closer to the ground than it should be, which scared the shit out of Spike and caused me to automatically take cover. As it turns out, it was Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash that were behind it. Spike had hiccups now. Unfortunately, Twilight won't be getting her scrolls because Spike burns things when he hiccups. I know when Spike burns things, they're sent to the princess. Maybe she'll send them back?

Pinkie Pie giggled. "Oh Rainbow Dash! We startled Spike into getting the hiccups!"

Spike laughed. "Good one Pi-hic-nky Pie! -hic- You always pull a fast -hic- one on me."

"What a good sport." I thought.

I walked out of my cover. Dashie was laughing at me too.

"Hah! We got you too Xavier!"

"Yeah yeah." I turned to Pinkie. "So is this what you needed her for?"

"Yes-sirree!!" She grinned. I was going to have to get both of them back for this.

"Have you ever seen anything more hilarious?!"

"I can think of one thing." Dash said before kicking the thunder cloud, shocking Pinkie into getting the hiccups too. Pinkie was now laughing between her hiccups. Well, more like hiccuping between her laughs.

"I didn't take you for a prankster, Pinkie Pie." She said, impressed as she flew off of the cloud.

"Really?" I asked. "You really didn't think Pinkie would pull pranks for giggles?"

"Well, you know Pinkie Pie, you aren't as annoying as I thought! Wanna hang out?"

Pinkie tried to say yes, but was hiccuping all over the area.

"Just take that as a yes. Oh, and can you count me in? My inner troll needs to be fed."

"Oh right. Your inner troll thing. Maybe you and Jack should come along since I'm sure his is hungry too." Rainbow said.

"Nah, he's helping Applejack and Big Mac on the farm."

"Yeah, you're right. And your brother's a bore."

"Can't argue there. His only fun is in music and video games." I said.

And with that, we started our pranking spree. We had to brainstorm who to get first. I demanded we get Rarity first. So we did. After getting everything we needed, and a little extra surprise for Rarity. We were outside the Carousel Boutique hiding in a bush. Well, they were. Dash put sneezing powder in a bouquet of flowers. I had something else in mind. Instead of hiding with them, I had a box that I brought with me and climbed on the roof above the entrance and took out a pie. Pinkie rang the doorbell and as expected, Rarity opened it, idiotically sniffed the flowers that or all she could know could have been left by a creepy stalker that drugged the flowers so he could do weird stuff to her. She got the sneezing powder on her nose and started sneezing unexpectedly. That's when took my 'pie' out of the box, hung upside down from the roof and flung it at her face. "Bulls-eye, bitch!" I then dropped down and ran to where the two laughing mares were hiding. We picked up our stuff and left. They however, didn't know that I had added an extra ingredient to the pie that was going to haunt Rarity for weeks. Imagine vomiting in a cup, adding moss in it, and then adding in toxic waste, and then shake them up and put it in pie. I didn't do that exactly, but I might as well have in her case. I've just put dye to make that color, and put stink bomb liquid in it. Not only would her head and mane be the color of vomossoxic waste, but now she'll be smelly too.

"Something's wrong with me."

Our next stop was the library. Twilight Sparkle was working on some potion or formula for something until Pinkie swapped her normal ink with disappearing. Her entire set ended up blowing up while she tried to figure out where her writing went. I didn't think it was all that funny. Neither was the next one when the three of us had to paint all of Applejack's apples with washable paint. Well, Pinkie and Rainbow did most of the painting. I told Jack to keep AJ busy. When we were done, Applejack was astonished at her now painted apples.

"LANDSAKES!" She yelled.

Pinks and Dashie laughed with the brushes still in their hands. Jack and I looked at each other, shaking our heads in disappointment as Applejack threw her now-painted apples at them. I bounced before she could turn to me. "I guess Funnydoods and PrankvsPrank spoiled me."

Next was Flutershy. Fluttershy and Brianna were by the park lake feeding the fishes. Dashie put a fake turtle by the shore. Pinkie held the rubber switch in her mouth waiting to squeeze it.

"Is someone over there? Who're we gonna squirt!? Who're we gonna squirt?!"

Dashie chuckled. "Fluttershy." She was watching her with her telescope.

"What?!? Nonononono! We can't prank Fluttershy I mean she's super sensitive! It'll hurt her-"

They were interrupted by a mix between a squeal and a shriek. I went on ahead and squeezed the rubber, squirting the unlucky one from across the river. Rainbow and Pinkie looked at me with disapproving looks.

"I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS MEANIE!!!" screamed a now-soaked Brianna, looking directly at me. I forgot to hide.

I waved and grinned at Brianna before turning to my two partners in crime. "What? We're siblings. That's what fun siblings do." While Dash was looking at me, Pinkie had some leftover black paint from earlier and painted the eye piece of the telescope. She looked back into the telescope to watch Fluttershy dry off Brianna.

"We need a victim made out of tougher stuff. So, who's it gonna be?" She asked, looking around now having a ring around her eye.

That was my cue. When she turned her head away from me, I pulled out Pie#2 and slapped Dash's flank as hard as I could. She yelped and turned in my direction, only to meet with a cream-filled pie. No, I liked Dash, so I didn't add in any extra ingredients like I did with Rarity. For a moment, I thought Pinkie was going to die laughing. The pie slid off of Rainbow's face. She was about to say something until Pinkie licked her face clean. A tongue shouldn't stretch out that far...

"That was for the thunder cloud prank in Town Square." I crossed my arms. She laughed at that.

"Yeah yeah, we all know you wanted to touch my flanks." She slapped her flank in front of me. I raised an eyebrow. She's playing that game again.

I'll bite. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're asking me to do it again."

"PSSSH! As if! I'm too much awesome for you to handle, monkey boy."

We decided to split up as their 'princess lowered the sun'. Pinkie wanted to do it again the next day, and I told her I would join them if I were free.

Saturday 8/29th

The next morning, I found myself free. I awaited where Pinkie told me to meet her in front of Sugarcube Corner. She was wearing some ridiculous get-up. She must've really planned on bringing in some laughs today. She was leading me to Rainbow Dash's house. When we made it to the floating cloud house in the sky, she tried to get Dash's attention.

"Rise and shine Rainbow Dash! It's a brand new day and we got a lot of pranks to do!"

Rainbow didn't answer. Instead an eagle's head popped out of the clouds looking down at us. Rainbow's head popped out of her house later.

"Morning Pinks!" She flew down in between us. "Gilda, this is my gal pal Pinkie Pie. And this is my best bro Xavier."

"Sup?"

'Gilda' flew from the cloud and landed in front of us. Head of an eagle, body of a lion. A griffin.

"Hey. Sup?" She sounded like she wasn't really interested until she focused her yellow eyes on me. "What are you supposed to be?"

"It all depends." I asked looking at her. I wasn't liking her tone.

"Don't worry Gilda. He's cool."

"What's a griffin?" Pinkie asked.

"Head and wings of an eagle with a body of a lion." I replied

"And all awesome!" She responded, talon-bumping Dash.

"In my world, griffins are mythological war beasts that are mounted by us humans to ride into battle." I added.

This seems to get Gilda's attention. "I'm not letting some Ape mount me!"

"Not that I'd want to anyway."

Dash jumped in between us in attempt to change the topic to diffuse the situation.

"Gilda's my best friend from my days at Junior Speedster Flight Camp. Hey! Remember the chant?"

"Pshyeah, they made us recite it every morning. I'll never get that thing out of my head."

"Soooooooo~" I could already tell it as going to be some lame cheerleader-like rhyming chant, so I covered my ears at that point and watched Rainbow Dash flip without hearing a word of it. I never did like school chants. I never did 'em. Nope.

When they were done, Pinkie laughed. Something told me that almost anything would be funny to her, but she is the Element of Laughter after all.

"Well that was awesome! And it gave me a great idea for a prank! Gilda, you game?"

"Huh. Well, I do love a good prank as much as the next griffin, but Dash," she turned to her" you promised we'd get a flying session this morning." She took off.

Yup. I've seen this before. I've lost a few good friends this way before. They ditch me for the bad crowd. This time, I wasn't going to be around for her to do so. Dash approached us both, but I stopped her in her tracks.

"You know, don't say anything. It's fine. Go hang out with your friend." I said, turning away.

I started my walk back home. Maybe someone needs my help. The work might take my mind off of the future loss of someone I grew attached to. It did before, it might do so again. I was stopped half way there, though by a tug on my hoodie.

"Xavier?" Pinkie.

"Yeah?"

"What's the matter?" She asked.

"We've lost her."

"Who?"

"Rainbow Dash. We lost her to that griffin chick. She's not our friend anymore. I'm just letting her go before she has a chance to make the choice. It'll be easier for her that way." I told her.

Pinkie gasped in shock. "How could you say that! Of course Rainbow's our friend!"

"She won't be for long..." I left her. She was naive. A bit too naive. I knew what was coming. It's happened before, many times. No matter what you do, people always want to pick the 'awesome' side, even if it means turning against the good.

I approached my house and looked at a list of people who needed help. There were a few things needed to be done for tomorrow, but not for today. Fuck! Looks like it's heavy death metal in my room or free running. Fuck it. I'll do both. I went up to my room and grabbed my headphones and mp3 player. Fully charged. Great. I walked out of my house. I started running. I caught the attention of some of the ponies, and even more when I started climbing houses and jumping on roofs. After a while of doing that, I was fully focused on nothing but running. I barely heard someone call me. I stopped right here, trying to find out who called, taking off my headphones. That's when I heard it.

"I'm walkin' here!"

...Gilda...

"Um...oh..um.. I'm sorry..."

And Fluttershy..

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Gilda mocked. "Why don't you just watch where you're going, doofus!"

"Hey you big meanie! Leave Fluttershy alone! She's nice unlike you!"

And Brianna... I turned to the three. They were drawing in a crowd.

Gilda leaned back and brought fourth a roar that frightened both Fluttershy and made Brianna cry. They both ran away in tears. Mayhem, we have a bully problem and her name is Gilda. What's that? You want me to kick her ass? Alright!!! Locked on to my target, I walked up to her while ponies were murmuring their "What's her problem?"s.

"Dweebs. All these lame ponies are driving-"

"My foot up your furryass!!" I finished for her, giving her the hardest kick to the gut that would've made any punter proud. There was a loud gasp coming from a ponies and a yelp coming from the bitch griffin that fell to the ground holding her stomach. While she was down, I grabbed her by her neck and forced her to look at me. I started in my Vin Diesel voice.

"A friend of my brother's has a rule he made for people like you." I pulled her closer. "Fuck with my friend's, brothers, and sisters, and you fuck with me." I dropped her on the ground. "And you do not want... to fuck.. with me.." I spat on her face and left her lying there. I hope next time, you'll think twice before trying to bully my sister and my friends.

After that, I felt oddly better, like most of my stresses have been relieved. No matter what it was, I just let it all out in that one kick. I've always wanted to beat up a bully and she gave me a good reason to. I put my headphones on again and turned on my mp3 player. I felt good in this neighborhood. Woo! That is until I felt a hoof tap my shoulder and turned around to a livid Rainbow Dash. This couldn't be good. I took off my headphones.

"Sup?"

"Don't you dare 'sup' me! You know what you did!" She yelled.

"I kicked her ass."

"She said you just randomly went up to her and kicked her really hard in the stomach for no good reason!"

"Bull... shit..."

"This is not what I expected from you." And the good mood was gone and replaced with the same rage for before. "Why?! Why did you do it, Xavier?!?"

"Same reason why I kicked your ass in the first place.. Ask Fluttershy. ASK THE GODDAMN PONIES WHO WERE THERE WHAT HAPPENED!" She was shocked when I raised my voice at her for the very first time. "You may not consider me your friend anymore. You may stop being my friend for someone you think is 'more awesome than me', but if you both decide to mess with family or my friends, I'll be there. I'm warning you because I used to consider us close."

"I don't know if we are even friends anymore. No friends would hurt another without good reason."

This bitch is deaf. I walked home without a word.

I watched my former 'best bro' walk away. I still couldn't believe he'd just attack Gilda out of nowhere because he 'thought' she was bullying her sister! It was probably just a harmless prank or something. He completely went too far! Well, Pinkie was throwing Gilda a party to cheer her up at least. Pinkie's such a good friend.

I went over to Sugarcube Corner to help set up Gilda's party. I also decided to add my personal 'touch' to the party I think Gilda will appreciate. I wish Xavier could've joined us. I shook my head from the thought. Who needs him? This party will be better off without him! The party attendants were walking through the door. Applejack and Rarity were talking to each other. This is going to be great! Gilda had just walk through the front door!

"Gilda!" Pinkie shouted. "I'm so honored to throw you one of my signature Pinkie Pie Parties! And I really truly sincerely hope you feel welcome among our ponyfolk!" She held out her hoof. Here it comes! Gilda slowly grabbed her hoof, but was met with a nasty shock. Pinkie and I shared a laugh. I walked up to them.

"Oh Pinkie Pie, the old hoofshake buzzard!" It was a classic!

"Yeah, heheh, good one, Pinkie Pie." Gilda said. I knew she would hit it off with my new friends!

"Cmon G. I want you to see to some of my other friends." I said.

"Right behind you Dash!" I heard her say.

Man, today was a busy day! I wanna go home, but I promised AJ that she'd see me at Pinkie's party. I crossed paths with Jeff and asked him to join me so I wouldn't be the only human there. We made our way to Sugarcube Corner, but it sounded more like a lion's roar than a party. I opened the door.

"Am I late?" I asked.

"THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME?! I HAVE NEVER MET A LAMER BUNCH OF DWEEBS IN ALL MY LIFE!!" Hoo-boy... "And Pinkie Pie! You! You are Queen Lame-o with your WEAK little party pranks! Did you really think you could make me lose my cool?! Well! Dash and I have ten times as much cool as the rest of you put together! Cmon Dash! We're bailing on this pathetic scene! she said, headed this way. I backed off, but Jeff didn't do the same.

This isn't right. This cannot be the same Gilda I was cool with! And then she had the nerve to demand me to leave my friends behind?! I needed to set her straight then and there. I told her that I was the one who set up the pranks. She still tried to blame it on Pinkie. I wasn't gonna take it. She was blaming my friends for her shortcomings! Nuh-uh!

"This isn't how I'd picture my old friend treating my new friends! If being cool is all you care about, then maybe you should find new 'cool' friends somewhere else!"

Brianna shouted from behind that Jeff guy who was standing at the door. "That mean birdy bully me!"

What did she say?

"Wait.. She 'bullied' you?!" I heard Jack ask from around the corner.

That means Xavier was...

Jeff cracked his knuckles. "You know, chicken shit! I agree with you. I find most of these ponies to be more than lame. I think they're pansy assed cowards who wouldn't know toughness if it bit them in the ass! But I got an issue with you! I have a rule for people like you..." Gilda opened her eyes in shock as Jeff stepped closer. "Fuck with my friends, and you fuck with me..." Gilda took a step back. "and you do NOT want to fuck... with... me!"

Twilight put a holding spell on Jeff as he stood there frozen. While she did that, I walked up to Gilda.

"You better leave before he breaks free." Gilda didn't need to be told twice. And I hope I never see you again you motherbucker!

Well, I'm kinda glad I missed that party. Pinkie said it wasn't over, but it might as well have been. Applejack came up beside me.

"Uh, that Jeff feller puts us all on edge. Who's side is he on anyway?"

I turned to her. "He's on my side, Xavier's side, Brianna's side, and on the other humans' side. We're on your side. You dont have nothin to worry about."

Then, Rainbow Dash walked up to me. She looked like she was on the verge of tears before she raised on her hind legs and put her fore hooves on me.

"Jack, I need your help! I messed up bad!"

"How bad?"

"Really bad!"

"What did you do?"

"I need to talk to Xavier!"

"Isn't he here?"

She shook her head.

"Must be at home then. Follow me." I said. Rainbow Dash and Applejack complied.

It was a quiet walk home. Rainbow didn't tell me what she did, but apparently Xavier is involved. It wasn't until I heard Dethclock coming from an open window to his room. I slowly turned my head to the guilty mare beside me and glared at her.

"What in the hell did you do?!?"

This happens all the time. I should be used to it. The only friend I have is Jack. The only one I trust anyway. I sat there, brooding. Who was to say the other ponies wouldn't do the same? He didn't care much for Rarity, but the others.. What about Pinkie? Twilight? Fluttershy? I can't really see Fluttershy digging a knife deep into my back and twisting it like I can see the others. I heard a knock on my door and stopped the metal. I thought of something to say to the knockers so they'd get the message to fuck off.

"This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed, bitch!"

"Enough with the references, dude!" I heard Jack say.

Jack's the most trustworthy. I unlocked the door, but went right back to the window. It was a good few minutes before I heard him again.

"Uh, can we come in?"

"Enter." I said before the door opened.

"Hey, uh, Dash told me everything about what happened."

"Did she tell you which knife she used?"

"Look, can you blame her? They knew each other since they were kids. Hell, if you ended up being a bully to the ponies, I'd make the same mistake too, brah. I wouldn't believe them one bit. You can't really blame her that much. Besides, she didn't know your 'friend loss history'."

"Didn't? So you told her?" I asked.

"Well yeah. It could only help if she knew. She feels horrible about it. C'mon bruh, give it another shot." He said.

"Do not apologize for someone else. It takes a lot away from it."

"Will you at least go downstairs and hear from her yourself? I mean, I know you've had a tough time with making friends, but ask yourself. How many decided to come back to apologize and make up for their fuck-ups?" The answer to that was zilch. I gave out a sigh.

"Only because you asked." He probably knew I was crying not too long ago, but it made it better when I couldn't see him through my hood. It meant he couldn't see my eyes as I walked by. I went downstairs. Applejack was sitting beside Rainbow on the ground. I couldn't see their heads though since my hood was in the way. I sat down on my dad's recliner. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"I-I'm sorry. Gilda. She lied to me and made me hate you! I should've talked to you about it first. You deserved to be heard out. You're my best bro. One that I've treated badly. So much for Element of Loyalty."

"Rainbow."

"I don't know how to make it up to you but I'm gonna try even if it takes forever!"

"Rainbow."

"I'll give you a free shot and I won't hold it against you!"

I stood up, walked up to her. As if I took the later offer, she closed her eyes tight. I wasn't gonna hit her. Not really. I pat her head instead, because she's not the only one who's made a mistake.

"I'm not going to hit you, Rainbow. I should apologize too."

She looked at me. "For what?"

"If you would've talked to Pinkie, she would've told you that I had a bad feeling about Gilda ever since we crossed paths. When you chose Gilda over me and Pinkie, I assumed you were gonna abandon us."

"I did abandon you, but I might as well have."

"Well, if you're giving me a free shot, I'm gonna give you a free shot too." I offered.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?"

"I'm as sure as you-" I was cut off. My mouth was covered by another pair of lips. She flew up to me and kissed me! This lasted half a minute. It surprisingly felt almost the same as kissing another human. I thought it was going to be sloppy and gross and stuff, but it wasn't. These ponies do have human-like faces instead of those long-faced equines back home, don't they? So it makes sense that they'd be kissable. It wasn't bad actually. What really confused me was something else. Does this mean she was harboring feelings for me? She broke the kiss.

"Don't take it to heart, ape." She said.

"I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that was a best bro kiss." I assumed.

"Uh, yeah! That's exactly what it was! Not like I'd date an ape!" She said, teasingly. "We were just-" I cut her off with another kiss. I guess I could accept best bro kisses. They're harmless, right? I took a peek at Dash and she had the same look of shock that I had before she started closing her eyes. It didn't really last long though. maybe 10 or 15 seconds less than hers.

"So I guess this will be a thing between us?"

"Y-yeah! Just.. It's just a friendly thing! It's not like I have feelings for you or anything! I just felt like I owed ya. Yeah, I'm still too awesome for ya!"

"Yeah, whatever." I guess this means she's going to be messing with me more, and I get to mess with her back.

I didn't hear Applejack mumble "Rainbow, you're just a fibber aint ya?"