You know what would be nice? If the Paparazzi would stop chasing Dash and I and yelling questions about Celestia and I, like seriously don’t you have better things to do?
“Haven’t you guys got better things to do? Like stick your muzzle into Mare Neighdashian’s useless life that nobody cares about?” I ask the guys as we run.
“Nope! She’s in rehab now” One of them says.
“Again?” I say as I am running keeping my breathing right as I talk.
“Well the therapists are bad at their jobs” The pony says again.
No wonder, they celebs here are just like Earth, especially the Neighdashians and the Trottenners. Also explains why Twilight Sparkle was so damn crazy when I met her, seriously she tried experimenting on me. Come to think of it, the whole of Equestria is crazy!
“Do these guys give up?” Dash asks me.
“Not without a paycheck they won’t” I say to Dash.
Thank the fucking goddess I am marrying I decided to stay fit, running from villains tends to do that. But I need a distraction…will it work?
“LOOK! SAPPHIRE SHORES IS NAKED!” I point over to their right.
They looked right and we disappeared…BWAHAHA! THE IDIOTS! I can’t believe they fell for that! Naked ponies, when ponies are almost always naked I ask you. How dumb could they possibly be?
Anywho we were out of sight when Pinkie Pie opens a random door in the grass and urges us in real quick, since those guys could find us at any moment we ran right in and Pinkie shut the entrance.
“Thanks Pinks” I said as I started to catch my breath.
“You’re welcome, my hooves were going click so I knew someone was getting chased by the paparazzi” Pinkie says, explaining how she knew where we were.
“And that’s why we’re here?” I ask.
“Yep! This is one of my secret shelters, specifically for running from media emergencies, but also I-Feel-my-friends-are-secretly-smiling-for-my-benefit and let’s not forget the Holy-Celestia-you-getting-married emergencies.” Pinkie explains
Trust me, better to accept than to challenge Pinkie’s reality, not because she’s right, it’s just better for your mental stability, trust me, with most of Ponyville being crazy in their own way, you don’t need any more crazy and if you need proof, just refer to the time Pinkie thought her friends didn’t like her anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, Pinkie Pie is a great mare to be around, she cheers everypony up and all but she’s weird as all hell gone loose, you should of seen the time when she appeared in my mailbox.
Anyway I feel we should be getting back to the problem at hand.
“So um, how’s it going?” I ask
“Oooh goodie, thanks for asking Jasie!” Pinkie says
“What about you, darling? How are you?” I hear Rarity’s voice behind Pinkie
Rarity, Twilight, Applejack and Fluttershy were behind Pinkie Pie as we noticed there was a room next to the one we were in (What? It was dim in here).
“Hi Rarity, yes I’m fine” I answer Rarity
Suddenly I know where this is going, they are gonna ask what the deal is with Celestia and I.
“So, Celestia and you are an item” Rarity says with declaration.
“Guilty as charged” I am not denying it at all.
“How come you didn’t tell us? I would have made you a far better suit had I known” Rarity immediately asks me.
“Would you believe me if I told you?” I ask Rarity in turn.
“No but-“ Rarity starts
“No buts, that’s my reasoning and besides, I would have been in that shop for the next 1000 years as you beg me for details” I say
“You and Princess Celestia are an item? I-I thought you and Rainbow were-“ Twilight started
“Look nerd, this was 2 months ago, we broke up then and now Celestia and I are together now, seriously, you’re so slow Snails would beat you in realizing things” I rolled my eyes
Look, I want to clear something up here, Twilight is not my enemy, I just have a hate for her. When I landed here, she tried to experiment me, I was naturally frightened and pissed off, so I ended up getting free and punched Twilight in the back of her head and ran, but she was 5 seconds away from dissecting me.
The Elements tracked me down along with Celestia and Twilight, I was not sorry for what I did, she was not sorry about what she did, she thought I was her science project, her attitude hasn’t changed. Oh and I disagree with her Princess of Friendship bullshit, you make 5 friends and save the world a few times and suddenly you are a princess of friendship? God complex right there, she isn’t even a leader, Twilight has done things because other ponies or even a impartial map told her to do something.
That said, her existence is a constant reminder that bullshit can be quite high here and that this place is full of crazy ponies.
“Y’all aren’t starting fights here, ya hear?” Applejack senses a fight starting.
“Maybe” I answer.
“Yes’ Twilight answers
Applejack is alright, she’s damn honest and she freaking sucks at lying, fits the whole honesty gig going on here, I just wish her little sister would stop trying to blow my house up whenever Apple Bloom and her friends pass by with their crusader things they do.
“All right, so here’s the deal. Yes, Celestia and I are really marrying, no it wasn’t too intentional because at that one party we sort of accidently bedded each other-“ I started explaining
“You WHAT!?” Twilight yelled out loud.
In Canterlot…
“You WHAT!?” Twilight’s yelled voice was heard from Canterlot
“Tia, we think thy former student’s voice was heard from here” Luna says
“Oh, this happens quite a bit, you should wait until you tell her about a test” Celestia says
Back in Ponyville...
“Damn it Twilight! I need those ears!” I had my ears throbbing
You think this is bad, wait until somepony tells her about a test, double points if you say “It’s just a test” to her face.
“So anyway, we bedded at that one party and by some weird law we have to marry and Celestia can’t change it for reasons beyond me. So we have to marry, the reason we went on that date was to reveal the whole thing, although we did an actual date to try it out because I feel like I owe it to Celestia to at least give it a shot” I finish explaining
“You and my former teacher…BEDDED TOGETHER! What possessed you to do such a thing?” Twilight said outraged.
“It’s called Apple Cider, Twilight, go figure.” I got a deadpan look at her
“But that still does not excuse you from-“ Twilight was still angry.
“Twilight, I don't give a shit what you think, okay? And for all you know, Celestia could have started it, she's had lots of time to hold in some urges, if it really bothers you, go talk to her, you two are close, remember?" I give Twilight a deadpan look.
"But-" Twilight tries again.
"No Twilight, no buts, if you think I'm taking advantage of her, I am not and I have Pinkie Promised the living shit out of it, anyone else got any questions?" I interrupt her again
If they had any questions I suppose they held them in, Twilight left the hideout and I think it's time for me to leave also.
"Well then, I am going as I need to sort some things out the Cakes." I say as I make for the door.
I left the secret hideout thing Pinkie had after making sure none of the paparazzi were around. This day just won’t leave me alone with things to think about…