“Ugh! Where is he?” Twilight asked nopony in particular. The alicorn stared at a nearby clock, willing it to slow down. Sweat began to trickle down her mane, and it wasn’t because of the warm sunlight. “The train to the Crystal Empire will be here any minute.”
“Simmer down, Twi. I’m sure he and the Crusaders will be here soon,” Applejack said confidently.
“Um, you said that an hour ago,” Fluttershy pointed out in her quiet voice.
“I know it, and I’m just as sure now as I was then. He’ll make it,” Applejack said.
Rarity cleared her throat. “Maybe one of us should go to Sweet Apple Acres to check on them.” She looked up at the sky-blue pegasus and batted her eyelashes. “Rainbow, could you be a dear?
“Why me?” Rainbow asked. “Aren’t Big Mac and Pinkie Pie supposed to be keeping an eye on him?”
“Hush up you two. Y’all hear that?”
The ponies’ ears perked up as something loud and musical sped towards them. Even Spike woke up from his nap as the noise got louder and louder. Rainbow bobbed her head up and down to the beat. As the object approached, they could make out lyrics.
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Ernest’s truck careened around the corner except it didn’t look quite like Ernest’s truck. Someone had painted orange and violet flames along the hood and sides. Huge rockets were strapped to the back. Strange metal contraptions jutted out from the vehicle at odd angles. All the while Scootaloo was behind the wheel laughing with sheer unbridled joy. Beside her, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were having a blast themselves. Ernest clung to his seat in the cab, white-faced and horrified. The ponies outside dove for cover as Scootaloo drove over the train station’s handicap ramp.
“Woo-hooooo!” she cried as the truck went spiraling through the air. Everyone gaped in terror as the truck sailed across the tracks. Somehow she managed to get the beast to come to a clean stop on the other side.
Never gonna give, Never gonna give, Give you . . .
The music died as Scootaloo killed the truck and flashed a cocky grin at the girls.
Faster than lighting, Rainbow Dash flew over and landed on the hood of the truck. “That was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”
Scoot’s grin got even wider. “Thanks. I’ve always wanted to try that, except I could never get enough speed on my scooter.”
The other two crusaders spilled out of the truck running on an adrenaline high.
“I’ve never gone that fast in my life!” Sweetie Belle gushed.
“Yeah, I think this thing can leave you in the dirt, Rainbow Dash,” Apple Bloom chimed in.
The cyan pegasus scoffed.
“What were you thinking, Scootaloo? You could have gotten somepony hurt,” the Princess scolded.
The young pegasas put up her hooves defensively. “Relax, Twilight. I had everything under control. Besides Ernest was watching my every move. He wouldn’t let me crash.”
At the mention of the human’s name, the door opened and a sick, groaning man slid out.
“Ernest, are you alright?” Fluttershy asked worriedly as she and Spike helped him to his feet.
“Yeah, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Spike chimed in.
The Troll Fighter’s skin around his face was swept back, and his hair had turned cotton white. “Oh, I’m fine. I just got a little rocket-truck lag. I think Scoots broke a few G-Whiz barriers back there. I should know. I’m a certified Flume Zoom expert from my Splash Mountain days,” Ernest shook his head. “Splash Mountain has nothing on this truck.”
Ernest dusted himself off. “Did we beat Pinkie Pie here?”
The ponies didn’t answer Ernest right away. Instead, they were staring at the human’s hat with the ornate purple lettering. Twilight turned to Rarity and gave her a disapproving look.
The fashonista withered under the glare. “I’ll fix it, I’ll fix it. Just don’t tell him.”
“Tell me what?”
Applejack covered for her friend. “Hey, uh, where’s Pinkie? Why didn’t she come with y’all?”
“Rimshot wanted to ride in her hot air balloon. I don’t know why he wanted to miss out on all the eye-dropping, jaw popping, heart hemorrhaging fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.” Ernest took a step forward and nearly collapsed.
Rainbow Dash caught him just in time. “Hey, why did Rarity sew—”
“Ernest, buddy,” Spike said interrupting her. “Your hat has a tear in it. Why don’t you give it to Rarity? She knows a neat spell that’ll fix it right up.”
The Troll Fighter thought about this. “Naw, this hat is special. I wanna keep it the way it is. When I get back to the States, I’m gonna buy me a glass box and a pedestal. I’m going to put this baby in that box and look at it every day. And each time I do, I’ll think about you guys and the good times we’ve had together.”
Ernest felt three pairs of tiny hooves clamp down on his legs. He looked down at the sad faces of the Crusaders.
“We’ll miss you, Ernest,” Apple Bloom mumbled.
“Yeah, I know we didn’t start off on the right hoof, but. . . you’re alright,” Sweetie Belle said.
Too overcome with emotion to speak, Scootaloo buried her face in the human’s leg.
The Troll Fighter ruffled the manes of the Crusaders. “I’ll miss you too.”
“Why, Celestia? Why does he have to leave?” Pinkie Pie sobbed loudly.
“Because he has to go home, Pinkie. He doesn’t belong here,” Twilight answered unhappily. The alicorn did a double take. “Pinkie?! When did you get here?”
“Oh, Rimshot and I have been here a while waiting on you guys. We got bored so we visited the Sofa and Quills store, and Rimshot helped me pick out a Trottingham loafer. I picked the one he kept chewing and peeing on. He seemed to like that one best, but for some reason the store clerk wouldn’t give me a discount on a damaged product. The nerve of some ponies.”
Rimshot barked in agreement. Then a tell-tale whistle pierced the air. As the train approached, they said their goodbyes to the Crusaders.
“It’s too bad those three couldn’t come with us,” Ernest said as they made their way through the train car. “But school is important. It is the block building in which young minds are molded, tailored, sculpted, forged, and baked in a crucible of hard knocks and harder books. Yes, sir, school cannot be overly overstated. Ya know what I mean, Miss Rarity?”
The train started with a jerk, and Ernest fell into the vacant seat in front of her.
Rarity suppressed a sigh. “Uh, of course, darling. Now are you sure you don’t want me to repair your hat? That tear bothers me.”
Ernest glanced over at Applejack, and his eyes got huge. “Oh, my gosh, what’s that?” The Troll Fighter shouted, pointing at Applejack’s head. All eyes turned to the farm pony.
The earth pony took off her Stetson and examined it. “There’s nothing there.”
“I know. Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh.”
The ponies saw Ernest’s cap was missing. “I know what you ponies are up to,” the human said smugly. “You all want to start a game of keep away with old Ernest P. Worrell by taking his head gear. Well, old Ernest has ridden that train before. Rimshot, go long!”
And with that, Ernest threw his cap across the passenger car. The beagle was wide open, but Ernest’s cap was intercepted by Twilight’s magic.
The alicorn frowned. “Ernest, we’re not playing a game while the train is --- hey!”
Rainbow Dash laughed as she snatched the cap out of Twilight’s aura. “Think fast, Fluttershy.”
“What?” the yellow pegasus asked as the hat flew by her face.
Spike picked up the cap. “I got it, Rarity!”
His victory was short-lived as Rimshot ran by and grabbed the hat with his teeth.
Ernest laughed and clapped his hands. “Good going, Rimshot.”
The beagle stopped running down the aisle when Pinkie Pie dangled a pastry in front of his nose.
“Hey, Rimshot. I’ll trade you this fried fish flavored cupcake for that hat.”
Ernest’s jaw dropped in surprise. “Oh, no, that’s his favorite kind of cake. Don’t do it, boy. I’ll sleep in the dog house tonight. You can have the bed. We’ll watch ‘Underdog’ everyday of the week. Just don’t be that dog.”
Rimshot turned his head just enough to see his owner’s reaction as he dropped the prize into Pinkie’s hooves.
Ernest turned to Rainbow Dash in disgust. “I guess when you’re hungry, loyalty goes out the window.”
The pegasus nodded. “It doesn’t help.”
The rest of the train ride passed without much incident. The group received a harsh reprimand from the ticket pony about playing games in the aisle. Ernest lamented the betrayal from his best friend while Rarity sewed furiously on his hat. The whole car began to stink after an hour reeking of the absurd fish cupcakes Pinkie continued to feed Rimshot.
Twilight threw open a window, gasping for air. She waved to the human from across the car. “Ernest, take a look at this.”
Obeying, the Troll Fighter walked over to where Twilight was sitting. The ponies made way for the human so that he could look out her window. Off in the distance, Ernest saw a huge mountain with a city built into it. For several long moments the human marveled at the towering spires and the beautiful architecture of the metropolis.
“Is that Camelot, your majesty?”
“Yes. And for the hundredth time, it’s called Canterlot.”
“Is that where we’re goin?”
“Oh, no, I’m sorry, Ernest. But we’re going to the Crystal Empire,” Fluttershy chimed in.
“That’s okay,” Ernest replied a little disappointed. “I just wanted to try out my Camelot voice and impress some of the local Camelotians.”
“What the hay is a Camelot voice?” asked Applejack.
The human replied in his Scottish accent. “Well, lassie, it sounds a wee bit like this. My clan dates back to the time Camelot reigned and snowed over the land for eons. Aye, and I can hear the harps of Camelot from here, calling me back to a bygone age of heroes, hags, and hellions. They call me back to the times before my people left the Isle of Vern on the great fire bird, Pontiac. ‘Twas a sad time, that was.”
Pinkie painted half of her face blue and began to play a sad yet proud Celtic tune on a harp. Ernest continued to tell his tale until the train pulled into the Crystal Empire’s station.
“And that was before my great, great, great, great, great uncle, Grand Theologian Ferbious Worrell, filler of swear jars, vanquished the dread haggis at Moat Moshpit.”
As soon as the door to their car opened, every pony, save Pinkie, hurried out as fast as they could.
Ernest blinked. “They must need some fresh air. Wait, are we here already? Wow, that went by fast.”
Pinkie jumped up and put the human’s cap back on his head. “Come on, Ernest. If you thought the train ride was fun, you’ve ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Ernest and Pinkie rejoined the group and took in the majesty of the Crystal Empire. “Golly, Bob Howdy, where in the world are we now?” Ernest asked.
“The Crystal Empire,” Rainbow said. “The most awesome place in Equestria if you don’t count Cloudsdale or Ponyville.”
Nodding, Ernest replied in his western voice. “That may be true, little lady, but as good as this place may be, I doubt it’ll hold a candle to home in my eye.”
Applejack smiled at that. “Couldn’t agree more, partner. Now come on, let’s get you home.”
As they made their way deeper into the Empire, Spike whispered to Rarity. “What happened to the message on his hat? It’s not showing up in the sunlight.”
“I did manage to fix it, Spike. Although, I had to remove that beautiful silken spell thread to it. What a waste.”
She sighed dramatically as Spike rolled his eyes.
The group headed straight for the center of the city while the crystal ponies stopped to stare at the strange new biped in their midst. None of them gawked for long, and they soon returned to their business. Before long, Ernest and his escort made it to the royal castle. A welcoming committee stood at the entrance: an entourage of crystal pony guards and the rulers themselves. Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadence stood majestically in front of their guests. Overcome with joy, Twilight galloped to her brother and gave him a big hug.
“Twiley,” he embraced her. “It’s good to see you again.”
“You too, B.B.B.F.F.”
Twilight turned to her sister-in-law and they performed their traditional greeting. “Sunshine, sunshine ladybugs awake, clap your hooves and do a little shake.”
Ernest watched the Princesses carry out this strange ritual. He whispered to Fluttershy, “Who are they?”
“That’s Twilight’s big brother, Prince Shining Armor, and that’s his true love, Princes Mi Amore Cadenza.”
Ernest blinked. “Is she French?”
“Um, I don’t think so. What’s a French?”
Rimshot barked up at his master.
“Oh, that makes more sense,” Ernest mused.
Fluttershy looked even more confused. “I don’t think she’s that either.”
The rest of the ponies and Spike greeted the rulers of the Crystal Empire warmly. Twilight then turned to Ernest. “Princess Cadence, Prince Shining Armor, may I present Ernest P. Worrell of Missouri and his pet, Rimshot.”
The pink alicorn smiled and nodded in greeting. “It is nice to finally meet you, Ernest.”
Not knowing how to reply to this obviously important pony, Ernest sat down on the ground and started his own greeting ritual. “Blacksmith, Blacksmith, near the gorge, make me a horseshoe with your forge. Stretch it, beat it, form it in a U. And leave it on fence post as a clue.” He patted his belly and shook his head a few times for good measure.
Nopony said a word when Ernest finished his impromptu greeting.
“Oh, uh, sorry, your highness. It’s the best hello I could come up with on the spot. You know what I mean?”
The awkward silence stretched on for a few seconds before it dawned on Cadence. “Oh! Do that one more time.”
The human obeyed and repeated the rhyme and hand gestures. This time Cadence joined in, slapping her hooves against Ernest’s open palms.
Laughing, the older alicorn got to her hooves and declared, “Twilight, you were not exaggerating about this one.”
“I tried to warn you,” Twilight grimaced, visibly nervous.
Shining Armor extended his hoof to Ernest. “Just a hoof shake will do.”
As they were shaking hands/hooves, Shining Armor asked, “Is it true you single-handedly beat a Minotaur at hoof-wrestling?”
“No, your highness, I had help. Fluttershy hypnotized him.”
The Prince nodded. “I know. Twilight told us in her message. I just wanted to hear it from you.” He smiled. “I’m glad you were earnest.”
The human blushed. “Well, Fluttershy’s mind control powers combined with my charisma, reputation, and cutting-edge physical prowess, that poor bovine didn’t stand a chance.”
The ponies guffawed as the prince fought to keep from laughing in the human’s face.
“Not exaggerating at all,” Shining murmured to Twilight.
Eventually they made their way through the royal tower and into a well-lit chamber with a beautiful mirror at its center.
Ernest raised an eyebrow at his new friends. “Is that the way home?”
Everypony nodded.
“Uh, do I walk up to it and say . . . Abrakaflurry, take me to Missouri? Or wait, I need to be more specific. Hocus pocus, take me to Briarville.”
“Eh, if it makes you feel better” Rainbow Dash said nonchalantly.
“Ernest, this portal takes you to a place called Canterlot High School,” Cadence explained. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how close that is to your home.”
The human waved off the apology. “If it’s the right hemisphere, it’s good enough.”
“But what if it’s the left one?” asked Pinkie.
“Then I’d better learn the metric system.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Also Ernest, there’s one more thing you sh—.” She was cut off by the Troll Fighter hugging her.
“I hope you don’t chop off my head for this, your majesty, but I just want you to know, you’re okay in my book. And if I ever decided to write one, you’d definitely be in it.”
The alicorn fought back tears as she hugged the goofball back, deciding what she wanted to tell him wasn’t that important anyway. The rest of the ponies, Spike, and Rimshot joined in the hug, each saying goodbye in their own way.
“Are you ready to go, boy?” Ernest asked his dog.
The beagle barked an affirmative and walked through the mirror.
Turning one last time to his pony friends, Ernest tipped his hat. “So long, partners. I’ll send y’all a cake.”