Upon reflection, you really shouldn't have volunteered for the experiment.
Your first mistake was that you liked this girl.
Well woman, really, cause she's older than you, and you're always supposed to call chicks "women," at least in writing, or you get marked down for it cause it's sexist. You call them other things when you're trying to impress the guys, but you don't print that out on paper, just tap it into your phone, which is different. You're writing this down on paper with a pen (how retro!) so you figure printout rules apply, if any rules apply, given that you left the normal world behind.
Seeing as you're writing this not for teachers, but for Ponies.
Yes, Ponies.
You're in a world that nobody could have ever thought of, one where the people are Ponies. Little Ponies, around the size of large dogs, with big heads and big eyes and they come up around to your hips at their shoulders, and so when they stand on all four legs they look up to you even though they have really long necks. It's weird.
Oh, and they're smart, not as smart as people, cause they don't have cars or computers or cell phones or porn, at least not porn sites cause there's no Internet, but maybe some of them are almost as smart as real people -- that Twilight Sparkle girl woman wymyn mare, she seems like she could almost be a real person. Almost as smart as you.
Twilight Sparkle is the one you're writing this for, sort of like a report for class, and after she read that first part something seems to get her mad, cause she screws up her face real strange and looks at you like she was going to bite you, only you don't think the Ponies bite. Do real horses bite? You don't know cause you never saw real horses except on videos, and they weren't biting so you guess not. But maybe purple talking unicorns do bite, so you should watch out.
Oh, and she has magic.
She starts to say a lot of nasty insulting stuff, something about some "microcephalic anthropoid bare-skinned barbarian" or something like that, and the marshmallow unicorn says "Darling, he can hear everything you're saying," and suddenly Twilight stopped speaking real words and was just saying her horse gabble. What you heard was -- ever watched one of those videos about the old days when there were horses and people rode them cause they didn't have cars? And one of thse horses would get pissed off about something and it'd make mad noises, huffing and snorting and -- "whinnying?" Like it wanted to bite, but -- you covered that. Twilight was making them. But you don't think she'll bite.
Then again you know they aren't really horses. They can talk -- when the translation thing works, which it doesn't always -- and they have books and houses and even trains though they're old-fashioned choo-choos. They're just like people, almost as smart even if they don't have porn sites and maybe they'll have that someday too.
And they're lots of weird colors, both the hair on their bodies and faces and hair on their heads and necks and tails, what they call "manes." Twilight Sparkle's purple and her mane's like a dark purple with a long pinkish streak; she has a friend called Pinkie Pie who's mostly pink with a fluffy red-pink mane; and the weirdest looking one is Rainbow Dash who's light blue but with a mane that's every color like a rainbow, like her name. And some more normal ones like Applejack, who's orange and blond-haired, and that other unicorn -- what's her name, Raree or something like that -- she looks like a marshmallow with purple twisty hair, which you guess isn't that normal. Oh and there's the yellow one with the pink hair, Fluttershy.
Also they've got like tatts on their butts. All of the grown ones, and these are like colorful pictures, the same on both sides. Like Twilight Sparkle has this big star surrounded by little stars; and the orange one with the hat, Applejack, she's got red apples; and Fluttershy's got blue butterflies on her yellow. They're kind of neat, but the Ponies don't like if you touch them -- they'll either hop away from you and look mad, or complain. Though Pinkie Pie was kind of cool about it -- she just kind of giggled and twisted away and said, "Silly, it's naughty to do that!" when you poked her balloons. You think maybe she likes you, cause she acts friendly.
Also, some of them have horns and some have wings while most just look like freaky cute little colorful horses. And some have horns and wings, but there aren't many of them.
Twilight Sparkle -- she's the one in charge of the group that's looking after you -- she's one of the rare kind with wings and horns. They're called "Alicorns" and they can fly and do magic. See, the ones with wings can fly -- they're called "Pegasi" and the ones with horns can pick up things with magic and they're called "Unicorns" and the plain ones are just "Earth Ponies" and they can't do anything.
Twilight Sparkle's an Alicorn, and Rarity's a Unicorn, and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are Pegasi, and Pinkie Pie and Applejack are are just Earth Ponies.
Also, there's Spike, who's this little purple lizard thing they call a "Dragon" but he's more like a cartoon gecko that walks and talks and barfs up letters and can send them places with his fire so he's really kind of a fax machine. He's like Twilight's pet or flunky, and he seems to have some kind of thing for Rarity which is silly cause he's just some dumb lizard.
You handed the last sheet to them and now Twilight and Rarity are glaring at you. Applejack and Pinkie don't look too happy either. These Ponies are hard to understand.
Dear Princess Celestia,
As per your assignment, I have instructed the Human, Charlie Yu, to write his own report regarding the manner in which he came to our world, and his impressions of Equestria. Also, as per your assignment, I have not substantially edited or rewritten his report, save to correct his most egregious errors of grammar and spelling. I most notably resisted the temptation to rewrite the muddled sequence of Yu's comments into a properly organized -- though still poorly-conceived -- essay.
I wish that I could like him better. I'm supposed to have some insight into Friendship, but I find Charlie Yu to be a very annoying and repulsive being. I'm not entirely sure why he bothers me so much. It can't be his physical form -- I was a very similar-looking biped for a brief time not so long ago, and after the initial shock I didn't find the Humanoids that terribly bad. Some of them were quite nice, really, including at least one of the males. Charlie ... isn't quite as nice.
He is of low intelligence and not entirely pleasant disposition, and -- based on his obsession with sexually-explicit images -- probably of poor moral character, though that last part is purely theoretical since he is unlikely to encounter a female of his species in Equestria. (He actually found fault with my library because it lacked "adult books," by which term he meant not books with an adult perspective on life but rather erotic fiction. What does he imagine the Golden Oak Library is -- some sort of brothel?)
I think that the attribute I find most annoying about Charlie Yu is his arrogance. He very clearly considers himself superior to Ponies, for no very obvious reason. Part of this may be the solipsistic and unthinking racism that comes from his species isolation; on his Earth, Humans appear to be the only sapient life forms. Part is almost certainly cultural. Charlie's civilization seems to have only a weak and rudimentary understanding of the Harmony -- in this being neither better nor worse than my own remote ancestors, before we became more enlightened by The Megan, by your own self, and others.
There is that disturbing story he told of a great moral teacher who came among his people and advocated something very like the Harmony, only to be tortured to death. That one has given me nightmares, and made me seriously doubt the sanity of his species.
However, part of Charlie's sense of superiority very obviously derives from the fact that the Humans -- judging by the information which Charlie has been able to provide -- are more technologically advanced than is modern Equestria, being roughly equivalent to the Ponies toward the end of the Age of Wonders. They have widespread heavier-than-air flight, mechanized road transport, electronic communication and computation -- technologies Ponykind once possessed, but lost in the Cataclysm and are only now taking the first fumbling steps towards regaining.
Charlie did nothing to create these Wonders. He doesn't know how to maintain them. He could not explain, save in very general terms, how any of them worked. Yet, because he had enjoyed their benefits, and could not here in Equestria, he judged not only his people but his own self to be utterly superior to us!
Even as a mere user of these Wonders, he was utterly crass. For instance, Charlie's world, like that of the similar Humanoid world I visited, had combined electronic communication, computation and data storage into an "Internet" which allowed any user -- and most of his people had access to this system -- to communicate with anyone else in the system, even on the other side of the planet. From hints he has dropped, it seems likely that the libraries of Charlie's world have been connected to this Internet in such a manner as to enable a scholar to simply turn on her computer and have free access to all the knowledge of his whole world!
Not that Charlie could provide any details of such usage. For Charlie never used the Internet in this fashion. He said he'd done research "on the computer" when he was in school, but that this was "just work." It was "boring."
For what purpose did he use the Internet, this marvel of scholarship? Why, to get "porn." To look at it "online," and "download" it, And ... but I will not sully my report to you, my Beloved Teacher, with further description of the many joys Charlie claimed were attainable with tremendous quantities of readily available pornography (*).
I shall also forward the comments of my associates.
Your Faithful Student
Princess Twilight Sparkle,
Ponyville, February 24th, YOH 1504
(*) At least not in the main body. An appendix will follow which shall contain the details of porn-lore as related by Charlie Yu.