It was a normal day in the city of Kleeshay. I was on the run from the DUP, or as I like to call 'em, the Doofus Uptight Pansies.
But then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.
They just had to decide that I was worth sending half the district's forces at...
'Well... this sucks,' I think to myself as I try to pick off the DUP from the shadows, but let's just say that my luck is weird sometimes, so of course, one of them had to turn around.
"Evening officers. Nice night in'it?" I say with a stupid grin on my face. That happens when I get nervous. My mouth runs and my brain kicks into high gear.
"Any chance you're just gonna let me go along my merry way?" I ask as they train their rifles on me, "Yeah... didn't think so. Well... let's go!" I disperse into mist, as I dart forward, slamming goon #1 onto the pavement. This puts me in the middle of the squad as they open fire. I take a few hits, but they were grazers for the most part. I summon some shadow beasts to put some of them down as I make a shadow-scythe. Not fast enough, because I could already hear the alarms.
"Well... shit," I say as I dash from one goon to another, breaking kneecaps and slicing guns, rushing to get out of the group. No way in hell could I take on anything other than a few pawns. I run away. I'm not a god, I ain't immortal, so naturally I value my life. Turns out I wasn't fast enough. The choppers are already here. I'm trapped, outnumbered,and outmatched, there's no way around it. I'm gonna get captured or killed. They obviously need to learn what happens when you corner a tiger; and I think I'll teach 'em. As I shout out a battle-cry, I feel a solid blow to the back of my head. My last thought as I pass out-
'How the hell did they move so quietly?'
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A FEW WEEKS LATER_
"Attention inmates; may I have your attention please?!"
"No, no you may not," I say, out of habit in response to the loudspeaker.
"We have been notified that Curdan Cay has been shut down, as is the rest of DUP. Please proceed to the gate to reclaim your possesions and ID. To do this, join the line near the gate located at the blue sign."
Did I hear that right? Am I free? After only a month?
"Thank you, whatever divine being likes me," I say towards the sky. After picking up and putting on my stuff I go and check on the family. Well... actually it's more of a gang, The Pack. Unfortunately, this was when my divine benefactor made himself known. He just appeared in front of me with a pop and a puff of purple-ish smoke.
"Heya kiddo! How are you? Nevermind that right now, come with me," he said as he put his suit-sleeved arm over my shoulder; while his dress-shirted arm snapped his fingers.
When I woke up, all I could see were trees; granted, I couldn't see very far as they grew so thickly.
'Must be an orchard, judging by the thousands of apples near me,' I thought; as I decided to sample the local cuisine.
"What do I want for lunch, I wonder?" I ask myself as I pretend to survey around me.
"I know! How's about I have an apple," I answer.
"Yah' better not be taking any a' mah apples there, pardner," someone says; as I hear a click and feel cold metal on the back of my head.
"Now let's not jump to conclusions here, miss," I spout off as I try to think up a way out of this.
"How 'bout y'all tell me what yah' was doin' in mah' fields while Big Mac gets here," she says, as I put my hands up & behind my head.
"Funny story.., this old geezer with an overgrown canine and weird clothes just up and poofs me here," I respond.
"I'm not lying, I swear!" I add, realizing how stupid & crazy my story sounds out loud.
"Ah' believe yah, I just gotta git someone to tell him stop doin' stuff lahk that."
"Yah called, sis?"
I hear a soft baritone behind me say. This sets my brain off like a rocket,
'so here's the plan. I dash behind her, grab the gun, run away, and forget this ever happened. I like that plan.'
I get as far as trying to grab the gun... and then I get nelsoned.
I mist out of his grip and turn tail... and then I say goodbye to my kneecaps as I fall on my face.
"What the fuck was that for!?" I shout as they grab my arms and drag me to some sort of shack or cabin. Their house, I guess.
"You know, I don't usually go to a girls house until the third date, if you catch my drift," I say with a smirk. At least until they both kick me in the gut. Thank god for conduit healing.
"That's not why yer here an' yah know it, yah varmint!" she snaps at me while her tace turns red.
As they let go of me to open the door, I get back on my feet and grin.
"You sure 'bout that, toots?" I retort as I brush my coat off.
"What the!? How're yah walkin' after that slug hit yah in the leg!?"
"Let's just say I'm a very talented individual," I say before getting haymakered by the 6'8" red-head.
"Stop harassing mah sister yah no good scoundrel!" he fumes as he wipes his hand on his red flannel.
"Let's just get the questions over with so you can see if I'm a suitable brother in law. After all, your sis already told me your name, Macky," I chuckle, as I pop my jaw back in line with an audible pop.
"Can ah shoot 'im again, Macintosh, please?" she snarls as she pumps the shotgun
"Since we know he won' die an' all."
"Eeyup." he says, an instant before I lose feeling in my left arm. By now I'm in a chair, with a gun barrel lined up with my crotch.
"You done getting your pleasure, sweetheart?" I quip with an unamused glare.
"Just shut yer damn mouth an' answer mah questions!" She glares at me.
"So which is it? Shut up, or answer your questions?"I smirk at her while leaning back in the chair.
"What was it you wanted me to look at, Applejack?" asked a purple-haired, slightly Asian-Indian looking girl, wearing a schoolgirl outfit and purple glasses.
"So that's your name, miss shotgun beauty? Applejack? I guess I've heard weirder. I was just gonna call you tall, blonde, and all about tha-"
*crack*
"Do me a favor an' shut up, would yah?" Applejack said as my jaw once again popped out of socket.
"I admit. I deserved that, but if you don't like it then why didn't you tell me to stop sooner?" I asked her while I waved to the new girl,
"Who's your charming friend over there?" I say, as I put on my best winning smile and watch her friend blush as AJ begins to look angry(er)
"It's Twilight, an' she's a princess, so she could have yah beheaded if yah offend 'er," she snaps at me.
"Which head?" I say with what can only be described as a shit-eating grin.
"Hey champ, how you doing?" The prankster god says, as he melts down from the ceiling.
"Oh, fine. Just great. My jaw's been broken twice, my left shoulder and right leg were shot, and thunder-thighs and ginger giant kicked me in the gut. But other than that? I'm just peachy." I rant sarcastically, as I notice the name tag he's wearing. 'Discord' it says.
"Why would you do that to him Applejack?" Twilight asks, aghast.
" 'Cause he was making passes at me, and treated this whole situation lahk a joke." AJ said as she pointed her finger at me.
"You act like you don't think you look good." I state bluntly while moving her finger out of my face.
"And it is a joke, Applejack," said Discord.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I need a place to sleep and something to eat." I said around a yawn.
"Fahn, yah can stay here. But no funny business, yah hear?" AJ says as I get up and stretch.
"Don't worry your stetson covered head about it, I heard every word." I say as I avoid agreeing to the "no funny business" part of her statement.
"I'll go get changed and pray to god your brother isn't gay, because I get the feeling he & I will be seeing a lot more of each other than we want to." I say as I head up the stairs.
"He has a girlfriend, yah know, an' ah've heard em *doing things* with each other." she shouts up the stairs at me, as I strip down to my boxers and fall asleep on a spare matress.