Read. It. Here. I just converted the story here from google docs, and it sucks. Read it on google. Seriously
Chapter 3 – Home, Sweet Home
Just to be clear, i want you to know the talking of Samuel. Fast, sounds like very hyperactive. Imagine Mordin Solus from Mass Effect or a AHDH person on cocaine.
Celestia woke up laying on her back. In sand. Everything was blurry for her, the headache not helping the situation. Also, something was burning her whole body, like if she was in a oven, making it hard to even breathe. She started to panic. She tried to scream, but all that came out was a high shreak and pain in her lungs. „Take small, fast breathes. Then you’ll get used to it.“ said a voice behind her. She took the advice, and after a little while it worked. „Getting used to the air is the easiest thing. The most annoying thing is the sunlight. You wont escape it.“ said the deep voice again. „Here, take this. I cant let you die here from dehydratation.“ She looked around when the blur in her eyes got away. Sand. Sand. Tarmac. Samuel. Handing her a bottle, sand. „Come on, drink. I ain’t got all day.“ She grabbed the bottle with her magic, and unscrewed the cap. While she drinked, she saw him looking at the sun. No, suns. Three bright stars were shining on the planet. One red, one golden and the least bright blue-ish. „Hah, i got connection! Were on Helios!“ he said with excitement. „I’m sorry to interrupt your moment, but what exactly is Helios?“ said Celestia with faked curiosity. „My universe, Tia! Im god here. What could not be achieved on my old homeworld, was done here.“ He made the sentence sound so devilish, so it creeped Celestia out. „W-w-what were you actually trying to get to?“ she asked him. „Wipe out everything, that resisted. I, by myself, wanted... To rule everything. So i murdered millions of people.“ he said with a hint of regret. „Anyways, it was all just an another brick in the wall.“ he added a sound of nostalgia.
It has been over four hours of walking on the road. „I see a outpost. Were at the place.“ He said while looking into a pair of binoculars. „Finally...“ said the worn out goddess, altrough Samuel did not seem to be affected at all. It even looked like he is enjoying it.
„You like it, right?“
„Like what?“
„Walking in the endless desert. Pushing yourself to the limits.“
„Maybe a little. But it is only years of practice.“
„How long have you been here, actually? Fourty years, or more?“
„Exactly one thousand, a hundreth and eighty-one years, two months and five days.
Also, i think what causes my apparent happiness.“
„What it is?“
„A company of someone else then my insane mind, and my hand.“
„So you are happy that i am here?“
„Its hard to say it, but yes.“
„Anyways, how did i got here?“
„Same way i got to Eque... How was it again?“
„Equestria.“
„Oh yea, to Equestria.“
„And that is how?“
„I am not certainly sure, but it appears like some kind of inter-dimensional teleport. Or maybe it is the theory of paralell universes?“
„So you are saying that in my universe there is Equestria, and in your universe is this desert.“
„I don’t know exactly, but it looks like it is.“
Then they arrived at the place. „I havent been here in years. I dont know what i left here, with lots of luck there will be a vehicle capable of travel.“ he said. „And if there will be not?“ asked Celestia. „Then we will restock as much as possible, rest and then we’ll walk 300 kilometers on foot.“ he said without a slight chance of caring. „Are you serious? We walked today like.. 15 kilometers? It took us over four hours!“ she said with disbelief. „Thats the second best case. After 300 kilometers, there is an another outpost. That one, is near my pretty much frequent route, and i often keep those places restocked. Maybe, but maybe, there will be a car. If there will be not, we restock, rest and then walk for another 300 kilometers.“ he said. „Wait wait wait... Whats a car?“ she asked him. „The thing i decorated your castle with is a car. A well armoured, pretty slow and armed car. Ill tell you the trivia later.“
Then he opened the door, that resisted only with a screech. The room was full of dust, and sunlight shined trough various holes in the window that had wooden planks hammered to it. On the wall was a large, worn out text. „SEC-16, LOC-71.97“ The walls were concrete, same as the floor. He looked around for a bit, but then a door labeled „GARAGE“ got his attention. He then took something that shined blue from his neck. He slid it into the lock, but nothing happened. „Dammit. The power’s off.“ he said. „How are we going to open it then?“ asked the princess. „We are going to start a generator that makes it. I can do this myself, you can lay on the bed there and relax while i do that.“ he said monotonely. „Id like to see it myself.“ said Celestia.
The room was dark, only ligh source was proven by a shine of light that made its way trough several large ventilation holes in the ceiling in the caved out area below. The room was completely out of metal, a large desk was in the middle of the windowed area that overlooked the cave. On the desk was a keyboard, just very much thicker and it seemed it was not mechanical, like the one the typewriter in Celestia’s office was. It was connected by wires to a box under the table. To the box several other cables were connected, to large dark panels. „What is this?“ she asked Samuel. „A computer. It calculates for you, and runs various applications. This station is connected to a water pipeline, and is one of few that controls it. I use this thing to control the water flow and the whole run of this outpost.“ he answered.
They were on a walkway, and were heading into the lower parts of the cave. Celestia could see two large pipes going out of the walls. „There’s the generator. This one is old, runs on concentrated gasoline. Extremely dangerous.“ he said. „How many outposts are here on Helios?“ she asked. „Over ten thousand.“ Then he dived out an universal key that was labeled „GENERATORS, MARK VII TYPES.“ he slid the key into a small control panel. It took a few seconds, but then an deafening roar was unleashed upon them. Suddenly, the whole facility came to light.
„There we fucking go. Lets see if there’s a faster way how to get out of here.“
They made the way to the garage door, and he slid the thing inside. In a second, the door beeped, and opened. „No. Fucking. Way.“ he said. „What’s the matter?“ asked him Celestia. „The Last One.“ suddenly, the dust faded away. There stood a thing similiar to the one that she saw before. „The Last One?“ she asked him. „Prepare for a little story.“
-------------
„So, you know for what am i here.“
„Murder.“
„Indeed. Now, what i havent told you is, that it was my will to come here. I made a deal with them: Give me a month of preparations, then i will leave. When i was leaving, i took my wealth, and one of them was my collection of 31 rare cars. Until now, i was missing the last one. My personal favorite. The Last One.“
Before them stood a low vehicle, in purple color with black stripes, with a large spoiler in its back and a noticable bump in the hood hiding a large supercharger. Under the spoiler, there was a text. „Challenger R/T“
„So you were looking for this for long?“
„Yes, but i never actually thought of it being here.“
„It looks... Pretty?“
„It is absolutely beautiful. Made this car myself with my brother.“
„You had a family?“
„A long story. Anyways, it is perfectly tuned, and after i will make some pre-run checks, it should be ready for rollin‘.“
„Is it fast?“
„Very fast, powerful enough to make wheelies if you press the pedal too much.“
„I think it is time to take off the armor. Im sweating like a pig in it.“ he said after a hour of working on the vehicle. „I am actually pretty interested how does your race look under it.“ the goddess said. „I’m a human.“ „Atleast i used to be...“ he mumbled. He unstrapped the weird sticks that turned out later to be weapons, then put the hood away. Then, he plugged out the cables leading from the helmet. Suddenly, the neon blue lights went dark. It came off with a loud hiss, and then she saw his face.
Almost the same appereance as the monkeys (or ponies), but the nose was flat, and the ears were smaller. Also, the skin had no fur, except for the long mane on the top of the head and some hair under the nose and on the chin. But what mostly discracted her were the scars on his face. „Those... Scars...“ she said. „Helios doesnt play games with you. There are about a million of different animals ready to kill you when you move. All that you can do is fight, or run.“ he said with the mouth that had a scar over its lips.
Then she saw what was under his armor. A vest with some pockets, shorts and a shirt. Nothing more. He put his boots on, then looked in a mirror. „Dammit, i look like a mess. I have to cut my hair either here or at your place. Hell, i’ve even got a beard. Well, we’re ready to rock. We will be at an another outpost in an hour.“ he said when looking into the mirror. „300 kilometers in one hour? That’s fast.“ she said. „We’re traveling in it at 400 kilometers a hour, so we will be there actually faster. „400 on the road? Thats alot fast!“
He started the machine. First it was trying to start, but failed. The second try was succesful and Celestia was overwhelmed by the extreme roar of the engine. „DONT WORRY! WHEN WE GET THE SPEED, I LOOSEN A BIT.“ he yelled. „WHAT?“ she yelled at him. He wawed a hand with his typical arrogance, and rode out of the garage. The engine was alot quieter then before. „And i thought that i will escape the sun“ she said. „That’s why i have A/C cooling here and there should be a pair of sunglasses somewhere.“ he said, and then he turned the cooling on. A very welcomed cold breeze flew over her. „I had never considered air as such a beautiful thing until now.“ she said. „Needs music...“ he said. Then the weird vortex appeared again. He pressed the pedal to the floor, and the overpowered car started to roar even more then before when going into a wheelie. But that did not work either. „THE DAMN THING APPEARS RANDOMLYYYYYYYYYYYYY-“
The damn vortex is appearing randomly. And i thought i will have her company for a bit longer :( She is nice. Damn it, im a serial killer, a murderer, liar, cheat and a dictator. Am i feeling „love“ again? Something weird is happening. And I... Like it ? Something very weird inside my head is happening. And the damn voices are back. Kill that, destroy that, steal that. Im getting more crazier then before.
Now i am stuck in the retarded pony faggotry like before. And i dont know for how long. Last time it was six hours, now it can be a year.
Oh yeah - Find my ride: ■
Everything went better then expected. Found my old car again, and the collection is complete. After i regained consioucness the damn thing spewed out a MIG-29, and that old Russian tank i dont remember the name of. T something.
Note: Did not had drugs in a week. I even started talking slowly like i did before.
„Now, Samuel, we have to deal with you. We do not know where will you stay here, for how long. But i am sure that i want you far away from me, but still in reach. Stay in Ponyville.“
„Ponyville? Sound’s weird. Like if we named our cities Humanville.“ he replied with arrogance. „If her majesty wishes!“ he said with heavy sarcasm. „I will try not to kill something while i am there.“ he said angrily and leaved.
„Umm, hello?“ asked the purple unicorn. „What?“ he said. „I’m Twilight Sparkle, the princess’s student. I think we have met before.“ she said. „Yes. I met you, the huge cunt, the faggot, that dumb redneck, the hyperactive down syndrome and that little sissy before.“ he said. „You met who?“ she asked. He pointed at her friends.
„Rarity – Huge cunt“
He pointed at Rainbow „Faggot“
Then at AJ „Dumb Redneck“
„Pinkie – Hyperactive Down Syndrome“
„Fluttershy – Sissy“
„Who are you calling a faggot, chump?“ asked him the cyan pegasus angrily. „Who are you calling a chump, faggot? Compensating for something? That you are not good as someone else? Im not sure what dumb insecurities you have, but i dont give a fuck about them, so shut the fuck up and go cry on you little cloud up there before i-„
„End it both of ya, will ya?“ said Applejack. „Shut. The. FUCK. Up. You imbred, cousin fucking, moonshine drinking, moutain dwelling hillbilly scum, it is not even your problem, so why dont you go over to your stupid little farm to get fucked in the ass by your own brothe-“
„Stop it all of you! There is no time for arguing here!“ said Twilight. „Forget about that. Now, where will i sleep?“ he said. „You can stay at the library with me and Spike.“ Twilight answered. „Not a chance, i will not be spending my time with books and that mutated lizard.“
„Then you can stay at the Sugarcube corner with Pinkie.“ she said. „I’d rather shoot myself in the head right now.“
„Then what about Fluttershy... No? Then what about Raibow Dash?“ she said. „No.“ said Samuel and Rainbow in unison. „Applejack?“ „That will not end well. Trust me. Altrough, i may come there to make some booze.“ he said. „Then Rarity is the only chance.“ she said. „That’ll work. I needed a new suit anyways.“ he smiled. „Give me two days and I will make a unstoppable killing machine from her. No? Dammit. Nevermind, see ya at boutique, ´kay thank’s, bye.“ he said, then he rushed to the jet. It was a standard army plane, just modified to fly faster and to be capable of flying vertically like a helicopter.
He took off, and in one minute he was landing in the dark town. No lights were on, everyone was sleeping. Until now. As he landed in the middle of the town square, he took his armor, and a big bag of weapons from the second seat.
„Finally, i’m waiting here for you for like an hour now.“ he said with a smile. Rarity grunted. „Can i ask you for just doing one simple thing?“ she said. „Of course, its your place afterall.“
„Please dont curse. My younger sister is living with me.“ she asked him. „Not a problem, you are a lady afterall and i am a civilized man. I will try to talk as polite as possible.“ he said. „That would be simply fabulous.“ she said while she opened the door. „Actually, how was the name again?“
„General Samuel Joseph Gallow, a.k.a the Fuhrer or more frequent Cum Dumpster. Just call me Sam, or Samuel.“ he smirked.
„Where can i put my things, lady marshmallow?“ he asked Rarity who immediately frowned at him. „*sigh* There is a sofa in the living room. You can sleep there.“ she answered. „I slept the last 1000 years on a fucki... on a sofa, i can sleep a few days on a sofa here. Also, i need food. Lots of food. And coffee. Lots of coffee.“ he added. „I do not drink coffee, and i also do not intend to make food at one in the morning, a lady needs her beauty sleep.“
„Fine, ill just re-park my plane and steal some coffee.“ he said, and then strapped his helmet on again. Suddenly, Rarity was alone. In a minute, she heard a loud noise of a machine starting up and taking off. Suddenly, it was parked near the boutique. Then Samuel appeared with a box of coffee inside. „Good night then, or good morning?“
When Rarity woke up, she instantly headed towards the bathroom. She found Samuel sitting on the toilet, with a cup that could fit atleast 500 ml of liquid, reading a newspaper. „Morning“ he mumbled. „Shall i come later?“ she asked him with a look of disgust. „Nah, i was finished anyways.“ he said as he pulled up his pants, while Rarity was looking away. „Slept well?“ he asked her, and unholstered the big trench knife, and took a can of shaving gel from the shelf. „My sleep was simply horrible! I only had eight hours of my beauty sleep today!“ she said. „Thats horrible...“ he said sarcastically. „I got my first four hours of sleep in eight days and im good. You see, they made my metabolism hyperfast. I can go with a few hours of sleep a day, but replacing it constantly with coffee and energy drinks takes its toll.“
„You smell horrid.“ she said when she got closer. „Yeah, also i havent showered for three months. Water is too precious for that, when you are alone in the desert. Mind if i do it here?“
„That would be.... good.“ she said. He washed his face, that was completely without any hair now. „Any plans for today?“ she asked him. „I’ll probably just wash the plane, then the tank. Also, i need to find a place to stay. I cant live here forever. Wait a second...“ he said as he suddenly looked out o the window on the heavily armed plane. „DONT TOUCH THAT! IT IS NOT. A. TOY!!!!“ he yelled at the group of fillies that gathered around it. In a moment, all of them were gone. „Spoiled brats... I think that i got a heart attack...“ he mumbled. „Is there any reality agency or something around here?“ he asked the shocked pony. „T-T-There is none in Ponyville. You can try Canterlot...“ Rarity answered. „Fine.“
„Also, could you be so kind and pick up Sweetie Belle from school? I overslept so i have to skip that...“ Rarity asked him as he headed out „Whatever.“ He opened the back door, and saw a familiar sight. The Last One.
This appeared in the middle of the night in the Canterlot Royal Gardens. Please do not drive over somepony with it. – Princess Celestia.
„Finally doing something useful then complaining.“ he mumbled.
We dont need no education.
We dont need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teacher leave them kids alone
HEY TEACHER! LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE!
Overall its just a another brick in the wall
Then you put the volume to minimum. „Which one of you little brats is Sweetie Belle?“ he asked the two little fillies that looked at him. „Blank flank is with her friends hiding in the classroom.“ one of them answered. He walked trough the head but hit his head instead. The duo laughed at him. „Just laught more, spoiled brats. Lets see who will laugh the last.“ he said and then entered the classroom. „I’m looking for Sweetie.“ he said. „I am Swetie. Who are you? Some kind of an alien? Maybe we can earn our cutie marks by exploring alien worlds!“ said the kid to her two friends. Now Samuel could see why the tho called them blank flanks. „I have no idea what are you talking about, but your big sister asked me to get you home.“ he said to the small pony. „You kids are naive. When i drive trough the city everything is closed, and noone is on the street. Lets go now.“ he said. „Can i take Scootaloo and Applebloom with me?“ the little pony asked him. Then the orange one talked. „Hey, i know you! I was at Rainbow’s place this morning and she told me that some kind of a alien monkey talked rude to her.“
„Alien monkey? Watch your words, chicken.“
To kill annoy and harrass list :
- Rainbow Dash
- Diamond Tiara (+ family)
- Applejack (+ brother/cousins)
Also, i should buy a bottle for Rarity as a thank you.
„What is this? Some kind of alien transport thingy?“ she small pony asked him. „Sort of.“ he answered and opened the door. „You three get in the back.“ he pointed at the rear seats. „Dont forget to fasten your seatbelts.“
When the three got in, he started the car. Then he saw the two annoying brats in the mirror. „Perfect.“ he mumbled, and then pressed the pedal to the floor. Splashes of mud splattered on them and they coughed from the smoke. „Hahahah! Revenge, suckas!“ he laughed as the car slowed down to normal speed.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
We come from the land of ice and snow
Of the midnight sun where the hot springs blow
Hammers of the gods
Will drive our ships to new land
Fight the world
Sing and cry
„Valhalla i am coming“
He stopped. „Come on, get out already.“ The three midget horses trotted out of the car. „Ah think ahm gonna puke.“ Said the one with southern accent. „Hey you small one! Wait a sec! AJ is your sister right?“ he asked her. „Well, yes. Yall‘ need anythin“ she asked him. „Sure. Say that uncle Sammie says hey.“ Suddenly, the rear wheels turned on the dirt again.
First, he drove out carefully out of Ponyville, because he did not want to clean blood from the tires again. Then he speeded up to 70 kilometers per hour overtaking any carts on the road and leaving them coated with dust. Canterlot - 15 miles. Suddenly, the road became solid. Then he sped up to 150. Then, behind a moutain he saw the capitol city of Equestria.
Canterlot Realities – The best reality management in Equestria for over 15 years. „This’ll do.“ He walked in ignoring the feared sights of snobbish ponies on the street. Noone is inside. He looked at his watch. 15:30. Then at the opening times – Thursday – 13:00 to 20:00
He walked to the counter. *ding* „Hellooo?“ *ding* „Anybody theeerre?“ *ding* *ding* *ding* *ding* *ding* *ding* „DING A FUCKING LIIIIIIING !“. Then he lost his patience. He jumped over the counter. Under it was a small unicorn hiding, shivering from fear. „Come on, get up. Im not here to eat you, steal you, or try to make a hybrid of yours and my species.“
he said with the most friendly smile he could give. „N-N-N-N-No?“ she small pony asked him. „W-W-What do you want then?“ she asked him. „What could it be?! Im here in a fucking reality agency to get tacos!“
The two royal guards blocked his way with spears. „You two have five seconds to let me pass or things will get bad.“ 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. „As you wish.“ He walked towards the car, and thrusted towards the guards whom suddenly fled from the way, and stopped before making a new hole into the freshly repaired wall.
„Hey Tia! I need four million bits.“ he cheered the princess. „Excuse me?“
„Four million bits. Flat.“ he said with a devilish smile. „For what?“
„An abandoned factory in the middle of the desert.“ he said with that ugly smile. „Seriously?“
„Yup. If that wont work, i still got a small nice suburban house in some place called Manehattan for two and a half.“ he said. „Not a chance. First, you destroy my castle and make me to rebuild it for over a billion and now you storm in with that stupid smile and demand money.“ she said. „Fine, just give me a little money. I dont have anything to pay with.“ he changed his tone. „No.“ Celestia looked at him. „Fine, ill go rob some stores and kill some ponies to get it my way...“ Celestia sighed. „How much?“
„Just 50 thousand, i need to rent myself a home and make it pretty.“ he said with a normal expression. „I hate you.“
„Im back!“ he shouted at the small pony behind the pult. „Celestia has her periods, so i have only 50 grand. Anything for that? Just for rent? With running water and electricity?“ he said.
„Well... I have here a small house, 2+1k, for 15 thousand for month.“ she said. „Beautiful! Where?“
„Goddamn fucking homoville again.“ he mumbled when he walked out on the street. It was a sunny day, but still not enough to blind him even when he looked directly into the sun. He decided it is time for lunch, and started walking down the street trying to ignore the curious faces of ponies. Then he spotted a shop that interested him. It was a shop selling gardening accesories, plants and seeds. And cannabis was on the list. Same with coca, and tobbaco. „I’m starting to like this place more and more.“
After buying some „entertaiment“, he spotted a shop that took his attention even more. Musical instruments. He walked inside. He sighted a grey surprised pony with black mane and a note as it’s ass tatoo. „Sup, i was just walking by and spotted that you have guitars here?“ he asked the musical pony. „Well, yes. It matters on what guitar are you looking for...“
„Ill take a air guitar, and electric one. Also, i need amplifiers, repro’s, and a record player. Preferably a mixpult and turnables.“
„That is total... 157, 958 bits.“
„Uuuuhm... The castle will pay it. Just sent a request, and her majesty will pay it. I will be here in a second, i need a way to transport it all.“ he ran off, and suddenly he stopped the vehicle near the shop.
„Usually, i would tell ponies to stick payments like that down their plot, but you are... different.“
„I know what are you talking about.“
- End chapter 3 –
I tried to make this chapter bigger, and better. Also, i am actually trying to make his ignorant, arrogant and annoying arguments somehow funny. I am thinking about romance between him and somepony... Dammit that rule 34 images are getting on my mind too much. Comment if you think that i should add more action, or change something or add something or whatever.