You’ve had that moment before. Those moments where you’re just so angry, not so much at the original thing that got you pissed off in the first place, but just at every little thing around you. Evidently, it more or less includes the people around you too, maybe even ones trying to help you calm down.
But you’re not having any of that right? Seriously, thoughts and decisions while angry are half baked and generally will make you feel like shit after doing them. Yet you still do them. Why? Because you, are, angry.
In the simplest term, that was exactly me after I was sealed away, the unbelievable anger I felt having the only release in the forms of thoughts and shouts that I only heard. When you’re trapped for millennia in stone, most of that time is not pleasant at its best, and utterly rage inducing at its worst.
That gave me plenty of time to hate everything.
Not to say I’m all emo and such and ‘the world is pain and my soul is black’ and all that stereotypical garbage.
No, I just vented my frustration on everything around me. That I could see anyways. It was a coping mechanism I guess, and I suppose it helped. Looking back, there are a few moments I can grab a laugh from, the sheer fury I had almost mockable.
For example, I once shouted “Fuck you” to a scavenging brown squirrel one hundred and seventeen times, the rodent completely ignoring me as it looked for its morning meal.
Another time, I declared that I would hunt down every single bird that decided it would use my stone self as a toilet, and eat their firstborn son.
Yeah, that was a bit overkill.
And other times…I would talk about those that I knew the most, the ponies that helped make this world a home away from home. Some I didn’t get to know till my second year here, while others I practically knew the whole time. The bonds that I formed with those ponies helped me out of the slight depression I had when I arrived, and in turn let me see this world for the beautiful place it was.
Minus the local rampaging hydra of course.
While a few ponies have fallen off the list of those I would consider ‘friend’- especially a certain alicorn’s name with a giant red X over it- I was happy to learn that five ponies that I had originally crossed off that list had gloriously made their return to its top rankings.
Those ponies, many I considered best friends, two in particular. I know it can make you feel like an ass to rank your friends, but sometimes it’s just the honest truth.
Each of them helped me in some way throughout my time in Equestria, from the very beginning to the sealing of myself.
They were each drastically different, yet, I was able call each one an ally and even better, a friend.
There was Forge, an ash grey earth pony that was probably the first considered nerd in Equestrian history, not to mention one of the first ‘dirt ponies’ to achieve royal employment. He was an apprenticing blacksmith with a passion for the art and an even greater interest in building and designing new things. Always had blueprints lying around here and there…
He was one I could definitely call a best friend, me and him…we clicked. I honestly didn’t like him at first, his curious nature causing him to examine me when I had simply walked by the royal armory. Over time though, we soon became good acquaintances, and later, friends. His stupid humor and hard working nature made him fun to work with on any project, and just hanging out with him was a blast. He was invaluable in helping me to recreate some human technologies and he alone produced Equestria’s first cannons.
I remember he always claimed indoor plumbing was his greatest triumph though.
Another pony I had known was a royal guard by the name of Overhual. With a name that suited a giant mechanical robot with machine guns and rocket launchers more than a small lilac coated unicorn mare. That’s right, I said mare. Don’t ask me how that worked out, I certainly never did.
Overhual was attached to my ‘guard’ in the first months of my…’employment’ under the Equestrian crown, and was tasked with following me around at all times. Admittedly, I didn’t like her either, but once again, these ponies had a way of breaking down walls. She was actually a sweet girl underneath her stoic guard façade, and I had to give her points for being able to hold it in the first place. Up until the time I was moved to join Celly’s guard, Overhual was someone I practically talked to everyday, and was someone who played a big part in my decision to fight for Equestria all those years back.
Now my other friends, while not to bash Forge and Overhual, were in a category all their own.
They weren’t just my friends, they were my battle brothers, my comrades, my protectors as well as my charges, and they were the soldiers I fought alongside with during the war.
The first, a pink pegasus mare by the name of Firefly, was probably the meanest bitch in the entire Equestrian army.
And I mean that with love. She was as feisty as a honey badger and was an absolute beast on the battlefield. Cocky, overbearing at times, and with an attitude that enraged the enemy within seconds, she was my go-to pegasus for any fight. Raised with the pegasi war attitude in mind, she was surprisingly very open-minded for her kind, never actually putting down any other tribe in a serious manner.
Still didn’t stop her from cracking jokes about them though.
The second pony, Storm Breaker, another pegasus, was my commanding officer for most of the war, after General Tenderhoof’s untimely…demise.
Firefly never did say what exactly happened to him…
Stormbreaker was honestly the reason our little battle group did as well as we did considering our lack in numbers. The guy was not so much a tactical genius, but he knew how to keep an army going. He kept moral up, he was quick to cut down on infighting between the tribes, and despite his allegiance to the pegasi ways, he understood the need to remove that bias from his decision making.
His tactics would put me in some of the darker moments of my life, but I admit it was the right thing to do, and our army no doubt was helped by it.
The guy had a heart of gold though, pegasi pride be damned. He once broke down after a tough battle, and begged for my forgiveness in putting me in the situations he did. Guy nearly got me crying at that moment too.
Finally, there was the last pony that I fought alongside with, Smooth Bore. With that name, I wasn’t surprised when he was able to utilize the cannons Forge was producing to deadly efficiency. He single-handedly trained and created the first cannon teams in the Equestrian army, and helped to improve our cannon’s with magic.
I probably forgot to mention he was a unicorn, which might have helped. Magic was a big game changer in creating ammunition as well as the general firing procedure for the artillery, and with Smooth Bore’s help, we even developed several mortar type cannons for the battlefield.
Admittedly a bit of a warmonger that shouldn’t have been in charge of the most powerful weapon tech at the time, his loyalty to Equestria was something that I could relate to my own pride for my country.
Merica…
All of these ponies, these equines I had known as friends, had created an organization that even after a thousand years, was still loyal to me in some way, even if its just hiding me away from good ol Celly.
And, I had bashed these ponies in rants that even Mel Gibson would cringe at. It was right after the time I had been stoned, heh, and I quickly came to the realization that no help was coming for me. No one was coming to break me out. I was alone.
Where were my so called friends? Nowhere to be found, that’s where.
Originally, I knew that Smooth Bore and Overhual had escaped the roundup that occurred after our supposed ‘coup’ but Forge, Firefly, and Storm Breaker had all been for a better word ‘court marshaled’ from what I heard.
That they had been…dealt with…
I thought they had been executed. That was actually a thing back then! Not an everyday occurrence, but in my time two ponies fell to the executioner’s axe.
I blamed myself. I blamed them. I blamed Celestia and Luna. I blamed them for making me blame myself. I blamed them for abandoning me. I…said some things.
Things I wish I could take back, things I regret.
But when you’re angry, you don’t think straight.
I felt like…a…bastard didn’t seem harsh enough to describe what I was. What I was, am, is…is something worse. When I had said those things…I meant them, truly meant them, and now I regretted all of it. I know one might say that it wasn’t entirely my fault, and that I simply hadn’t known. To me though, that was no excuse.
It was for this reason I had sequestered myself in my 'room', for nearly a week now, the only interactions I had with anyone was the simple maids that came in to deliver my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I didn't really say much to them, just let them put the food nearby and go on their way. A few even tried to get me to talk about how I was feeling, but several emotionless comments made them realize I was in no mood to talk to anyone.
I just...wanted to be alone.
At least the meals they brought me had at least some type of meat with it, and I assumed it was due in part to what they actually knew about me. Of course, it was mostly fish mind you, but one time I even got bacon. Praise the elder gods, bacon! That was a small light in a rather gloomy day for me. Though a small part of me did wonder what unlucky pony had to acquire it, considering most of them tended to be squeamish around the subject of eating meat. The fact that you’re an omnivore in a herbivores land does not help one adjust to the native populace, and only caused some tension and unnecessary suspicion.
Not to mention the fact that cows are sapient here. Yeah, that's right. Cows talk, think, and have feelings an all that. Now, let me tell you. I was willing to accept losing some of my meat arsenal, but not the whole stock. At one point I had gone so long without eating it that I thought I was going to go mad, and had seriously considered eating a talking living creature. Just go up to a cow, point right in its face, and say 'Sorry! But I'm eating your ass!'
Celly was finally convinced the same week to let me have fish, and I had stuffed myself to the point of bursting. Worth it though, totally worth it.
A sigh escaped me as I was once again reminded of how much things had changed, of how much different everything was. I could adapt to change sure, but I was someone who enjoyed a bit more set lifestyle. Not so much complacent, but...I don't know, there was just an order to things that I just enjoyed.
That was probably the reason I disliked Discord so much, his personality isn’t overall bad, but his ability to annoy the crap out of you in all the wrong ways just had a knack for getting under people's skin.
Something Celestia and I wholeheartedly agreed on.
"Uuuuuuggghhhhh" I groaned out loud, some slight irritation creeping over me as connecting memories of me and Celly kept playing inside my head.
And, I, didn't, like, it!
But of course, my brain kept going as in an attempt to not think about that damn white alicorn, it of course resulted in me thinking about her more. In any case, old memories came flooding back to me at an increased rate, and irritation soon gave way to anger.
My fists tightened involuntarily, and I felt my whole body tense over, like a predator ready to pounce on its prey.
You’re a goddamn bitch Celestia, you hear me? A god damn fucking bitch that can rot in hell or Tartarus or whatever the fuck you believe in!
I knew getting angry over this was not helping any matters, but I just...I felt like I was taking this shit lying down! That I had just let all this happen and is didn't even do anything about it! But I did! I attacked them! Got them back for the hell they put me through. I had them on the ropes. I could've beaten them within an inch of their lives, their guard reinforcement’s would’ve gotten in the way, sure, but I could've, would've brought them pain.
And yet...and yet I ran. I didn't have too, but I did. And I know why too. Celly looked me in the eye. I know, that sounds a little stupid, but...she just has these eyes. I can't explain it, but she's able to express so much through those magenta orbs alone.
And what I saw was...guilt, sadness, pain.
Not the physical kind, but the emotional. And it bothered me! Me! The person she actually hurt! She made me feel like the bad guy! ME!!!
"What the fuck is wrong with me?!" A yelled to no one in particular, flopping back onto my bed as I double falcpalmed. I really don’t understand myself someti-
“What is wrong with you?” a familiar voice suddenly spoke right by my bedside. I admit, I was startled somewhat.
“Fucking Jesus H Christ!” escaped my lips as I practically leaped backwards off my bed, tumbling in a no doubt classic barrel roll. I landed in a battle stance instantly, my blood pumping as I looked for who had spoke.
Sure enough, there was Ivory sitting on the floor by my bed, her head cocked to the side as she tried to figure out what just happened. Her guards stood by the doorway, though they had advanced slightly due to my antics.
“That was…an impressive reaction” she cautiously stated, no doubt referring to my little gymnastic stunt. It was pretty good, even by my own standards, maybe even 8/10. Mckayla is impressed maybe?
With no actual threat in the room, I returned my gauntlets to rest at my sides. Though, I still was wondering how the hell she managed to sneak up on me.
“How long were you there?” I asked, pointing to the exact spot she was in. This caused an eyebrow raise from her as she exchanged a glance with her similarly bewildered guards. Why were they looking at me like I was the weird one? Minus the whole different species heavily armed ancient being thing.
“I…had walked in about a minute ago” she started, gesturing to the door. “I thought that you had been ignoring me up to this point, but you truly didn’t see me?” her last question sounded very concerned.
…
Fuuuuuck. I cursed silently under my breath. It happened again, once more without my notice as well…
Shit. The hell with it, deal with it later.
“I was kinda lost in thought” I attempted to justify my ignorance on the matter, my hand rubbing the back of my neck in a nervous gesture.
Once again, Ivory shared a glance with her guards, and surprisingly the forest green pegasus spoke for the first time.
“Being lost in thought is one thing, but you looked like you were in some type of trance” he cocked his head to my bed. “You were just sitting there, making almost zero movement. It was kind of freaky” his voice putting him somewhere in his mid twenties and- did he just call me freaky?
Ivory was quick to capitalize on her guard’s words. Nodding, she turned back to me. “While I wouldn’t use the exact wording, Tree Top is correct. That was a very unusual thing to do.” She stood up, walking toward me. “Are you feeling alright Gaunts?”
Her concern for me was…touching, but it was bothering me how much she was prodding me.
“I’m fine” I replied offhandedly, yet she still kept walking towards me. With only a few feet in between us, I think she surprised everyone, including myself, when she reared up on her back hooves and boldly placed her hoof on my chest. I think you could have heard a pin drop as everyone minus Ivory stared in shock as she calmly stood there, her ears occasionally twitching.
She wasn’t even looking at me; instead her grey eyes seemed to look over my shoulder, though they moved quickly with their sockets, like she was thinking.
The tension only rose as seconds ticked by, my fingers twitching as I leaned back slightly, though Ivory stayed right with me by taking a single step forward. Her guards on their part were struggling not to step forward, a possible command by the mare keeping them at bay, though their quick glances at each other betrayed their unease.
Once again though, the pegasus would shock everyone by leaning her head directly over my heart, one ear pressed against the fabric of my shirt. I was nearly ready to tell her to get away when she finally backed off, stepping back on her hind hooves enough so that she could return to her quadrapedal stance.
She gave me a wary look.
“Your heartbeat is erratic” she stated, catching me off guard.
“Perhaps because of the mare invading my personal bubble?” I shot back, dusting off my shirt of anything that might have stained it. Seriously, white is nice, but goddamn is it easy to ruin.
She shook her head, a smile tugging at her lips. “While that is partly my fault, my presence was the least of the causes” She suddenly looked at me seriously. “You aren’t well. Something is wrong”
I really cursed under my breath that time, my mother probably hearing it in the next universe over.
“I’m fine. Really” I tried to placate her, gesturing to my body. I honestly didn’t look sick or anything.
Of course that was when her unicorn guard spoke up, the maroon mare cocking an eyebrow. “Choosing to stay in a room for a week straight isn’t exactly what many would consider fine.” She then seemed to pause for a second before she added “Or healthy”
My eyes narrowed at the mare. So that was why Ivory kept these two around, just so they could back her up on an argument. How mature.
Ivory nodded back at the mare, no doubt offering silent thanks. Turning back to me, she looked at me like a mother would when she was about to scold her child. That sent me right on the defense.
“Gaunts, with your permission, I’d like to bring in a medical team to evaluate you. Nothing evasive I assure you, but it would put some fears to rest that you are alright”
“I’m fine” I stated again, some of the irritation I felt mixing into my voice. How hard was it to take a hint? I didn’t want to talk! So leave!
“Then If you’re as fine as you say, you wouldn’t mind leaving this room would you?” she countered right back at me, gesturing with an outstretched wing to the door.
I had to take a long breath out of my nose at that point. She was trying my patience. Really testing it. And since a good portion of said patience was lost long ago, she was rapidly approaching my limit.
“I, don’t, want, to” I said slowly, leaning down to her to make my point. She didn’t even flinch, keeping a cool expression as her eyes searched mine. She better back off…just back off…end the conversation…
There was a slight pause in our conversation, as we stared at each other in tense silence. Then she decided to once again push my limits.
“Why?”
Of hell no. Not that fucking word. Not the word every child uses to annoy anyone older then them in the worlds largest Q&A session since ever.
I had to take a step back from her. Just…give myself some space. Let some of the steam vent. I distracted myself by faining interest in my hand, examining the gauntlet for the hundredth time, flexing and unflexing the metal, my metal fingers.
“You’re on thin ice Ivory” I said, looking over my shoulder at her.
“I suggest you be careful where you make your next step. You may fall through”
It wasn’t as bad a threat as it sounded. I was definitely a person to talk big, and now had the muscle to back it up, so I suppose I forget how real my threats can seem.
The guards moved quickly to close the distance between themselves and Ivory, staying just behind her when she raised a forehoof in placation.
“You’re brewing in here Gaunts. That much is obvious. I’m not sure what it is exactly you are troubled by, but I can take a few educated guesses” she looked right into my eyes. “Do I need to guess?”
My fist clenched tightly.
“You don’t.”
It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to wonder what exactly I was sad about. I mean, everyone was there to watch me break down! Wow, I wonder what he’s sad about. Oh! Maybe its about the friends who’s names he spit on for a millennia! The ones that in the end where better friends then he ever was!
A sigh was heard behind me as the mare that had been pestering me finally lamented, shaking her head softly.
“Alright. I think I have been pushing you a little too much, and for that, I apologize” she looked at me in a slight downcast manner before straightening up immediately, her face serious.
“Centurions, were leaving.” Her surprising two face action triggered a memory of Overhual, and I was thankful they were leaving before my mood could plummet again.
They walked out without a word, though, of course, right as the door was about to close, Ivory looked back at me.
“Please ask yourself this Gaunts. If the founders saw you like this, would they be happy? Would this have been what they would have wanted? To see their friend isolate himself at their expense? I personally, don’t think so. I think its time you asked yourself the same”
I turned away at the last part of her speech, her grey irises still boring into the back of my head. Then, the door closed and I was alone.
I punched the nearest wall.
It wasn’t a powerful punch, I didn’t throw my weight into it, but it was quick, reflexive. As such, the stone suffered a large cracked indent, with numerous other splintering cracks jutting out from it.
Once again in this world, I was left feeling like the bad guy. For feeling bad about being the bad guy. Damn it…
The mare’s words stayed in my head the rest of the day, or night, again no windows anywhere. I assumed I was still somewhere underground.
I know what they would say. None of them were the type to hold a grudge, well…maybe Smooth, but that remains to be seen. Can’t exactly ask him now can I?
And yet. I knew their answers. But it wasn’t the answer I deserved. Or wanted.
Once again, when it came the time for me to fall asleep, my memories once again went about the process of resorting themselves. As such, that night after lying awake for hours, I finally drifted off to sleep.
I dreamed of my old friends.
The next morning was different. Brighter, being a word. It wasn’t some overnight change, but… I felt like some of my demons had been put to rest. Far from all of them of course; that would probably never change, but some found peace.
When the time came for my breakfast to arrive, I asked the guards that arrived with the maids to get me Ivory. Not fifteen minutes after I had asked for her, did she arrive, clothed once again in her white robes.
Her crimson mane had looked somewhat disheveled, either from bed head or something else. So, instead of her mane tied in a cute bun, part of it was left to cover her right eye, causing her to shift it every few moments.
It was a good look for her.
…
That was strictly observation.
…
Piss off.
I sat on the floor, leaning back against my bed as Ivory sat on the floor opposite of me. Her guards, as always, made their place by the door.
She tilted her head when I took to long to speak, and right as she opened her mouth, I spoke up.
“Id like to apologize about yesterday” I ran my gauntlet over my head, enjoying the cool feeling of it over my short hair. “You…were pushing some buttons and I wasn’t appreciating that”
“I’d like to offer my own apologies on that as well” She shook her head, her mane once again getting in her face. “I let my own personal matters come into play on talking to you, and for that, you have my sincerest regret” she brushed the hair covering her eye with an irritated huff.
“I thought about what you said too. Or specifically, what you said at the end”
I sighed heavily, feeling a weight building on my shoulders. “You’re right on what they would think. Frankly, I know Firefly would have tried to kick my butt right out of here with one hoof after a few days, and while the others would have tried different tactics…all their goals would have been the same”
“There…I….had a lot to think about, and I think I needed time to process that"
As the last words escaped me, the weight eased up, it didn’t lift, but it felt lighter.
“I’m tired of sulking. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being haunted by the past” I gestured to the room around me. “I have the future all around me, yet all I can think of is what came before, and I’m tired of that”
“I would like to leave this room as soon as possible if that’s alright. I think I need some fresh air” She had been listening intently to me the entire time I spoke, her ears perked forward in attention as she nodded at my last words.
“That can be arranged, if you want” she informed me.
I nodded my thanks, and for a moment, an awkward silence descended between us. I looked around the room while she scuffed her hoof against the carpet.
Then a thought occurred to me.
“Thank you” I said, catching her off guard as she tilted her head confusedly.
“For this” I once again gestured to the room, pointing out every little thing as well. “The room, what you’re doing for me, showing me those statues…I appreciate that. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you” I smiled at her thankfully, and she beamed one right back at me.
However, my smile was dropped rather quickly.
“But I’m going to be honest here Ivory. I can’t stay here” At those words, her eyebrows nearly left orbit, and her pupils shrunk. Well, I didn’t realize how bad a reaction I would get.
“I can’t be caged up like this. To be stuck here and not do anything. At one point in my life I’m sure my younger self would have probably enjoyed lazing around all day every day, but that person is gone. Being free, in its sense, is something I need to be. I can’t just stay here and do nothing. Go nowhere. That’s not me.”
Suddenly, all the worry that was on her face disappeared, replaced with relief and…joy?
She lifted a foreleg when I looked to continue, a small smile on her face. Her eyes glimmered with mischief as she looked at me.
“Gaunts. If you would do me the kindness of listening to me for a few minutes, I would like to propose something to you that, if my knowledge is correct, you might want to hear”
This caught me off guard myself, my own eyebrows raising. What did she have to ask now?
“Alright.” I nodded. “Shoot.”
I rotated my shoulders, feeling my new armored vest stretch taunt. While a bit tight, if fit me comfortably enough. Gold plating backed up thick padded material made up my new chest armor, something that a modern military might use, minus the gold of course.
The radio pack on my back shifted somewhat, the weight of the machine hardly noticeable, though its antenna did manage to touch against the back of my head, indicating it was still there.
I looked down at myself, admiring my new camouflage pants and long-sleeved shirt, with the added benefit of golden padding here for the necessary protection.
My goggles sat snuggly on my face, and I breathed in the air that managed to flow into the elevator. I could catch the glimpses of light as we continued our ascent, the darkened cargo elevator rapidly climbing toward the surface.
On both of my sides stood Ivory’s guards, the male pegasus Treetop and the maroon unicorn, Morning star, as I had found out. Similar to me, they wore camo clothing, but still utilized their gold armor.
I was practically giddy that we were returning to the surface and on these circumstances as well. Oh…this would be too much fun.
As if on cue, I felt the elevator suddenly lose speed, no doubt indicating we had arrived at our destination. A pause occurred as our momentum completely ended, and we where left in silence.
Then, the door opened, and sunlight flooded through. Thanks to my goggles, I wasn’t blinded by the new light, and calmly walked out of the shaft. Immediately, the sounds of running water, birds, and various other sounds of nature greeted me.
My boots dug into the rocky shore that bordered the cliff face, no doubt thanks in part to the river running through this canyon, or rather, this Ghastly Gorge. You’re a bunch of sly little ponies, aren’t you Rose?
I took in a deep breath of air, reveling in the crisp freshness of it before releasing it. The sunlight warmed my face, and I took a moment to bask in it.
This. This felt right.
Perhaps being underground is a bit more unpleasant than I had thought.
However, the nice moment passed all too soon, as Ivory’s voice spoke behind me.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this Gaunts?” the radiopack spoke.
I touched the small earpiece that connected me to it.
“More then ready Rose. I’m practically rearing to go” Was there a giggle on the other end?-wait.
Ah shit. Pony pun. Now I was doing it!
“Alright then, from here on out, we wont be contacting you, you’re in radio silence. Contact us only if absolutely necessary. Understood?”
“Got it” I replied.
“Alright then scouts, move out!”
I didn’t need to be told twice, and neither did Treetop or Morning Star, they too hearing the conversation. My boots pounded against the river rock as I bounded across the surface, my extreme agility already on display.
Treetop launched himself into the air, is wings betaing rapidly for a moment before he leveled out roughly twenty feet off the ground. Morning followed close behind me, leaping here and there rather then running a full sprint. She was even keeping up with me pretty well if I do say so myself.
Together, we slowly made our way along the Gorge, moving as fast as we could toward our destination.
I smiled, the exhilaration I felt at once again leading troops coming back to me. I eyed the trees that stood high atop the cliffs in the distance, the land marker to the Everfar -sorry- Everfree forest.
I could only hope at what we would find, what I might find.
This curiosity only made me run faster, the want to get there first powerful.
My smile only grew. “The Royal Pony Sisters’ castle. Your mine now”