It was a hot summer day, as it always is when these sorts of things happen. Many have theorized that it is the radiation from the sun, being closest to Equestria in those blazing months, that drives ponies mad. Others say it is simply the muggy air that settles thickly over everything, even sinking deep down into the creases of a pony's mind. How it happened, however is not so important as what happened. Of course, many things have happened due to this summer madness which affects select ponies, but nothing so noteworthy as the mysterious incident of Princess Luna and the Bard of Stratford-Upon-Neighvon.
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The large arched windows of Canterlot Castle were open wide, and the bright golden sunlight that rushed in illuminated a rather grumpy indigo Alicorn clad in a black tiara and raiment befitting her position as Princess of the Equestrian night. She was, as usual, moping about on the bed in a tedious ballet of sighing, readjusting herself on the sheets, and sighing again. The stone ceiling above her bore a painting that had been a gift to her mother upon the birth of the new princess. A silver alicorn was frozen mid-leap between the moon and a cloud. The midnight-blue backdrop of the painting stood against the delicate golden letters "PRINCESS LUNA." Apathetically, Luna sighed again and flopped over on her stomach. Normally, she would have continued flopping and sighing and flopping and sighing untill she descended to dinner in order to glare wrathfully at her food and head off to go be angsty again, but something caught the princess's azure eye.
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Luna's sister, Celestia, had been desperately trying to cheer up her melancholy sibling, but nothing seemed to work. Not therapy, not puppies, not recounting the glorious battles of the Celestian empire. Not to mention the clown. Celestia had been so sure that one was going to work. The problem was, however, that Celestia was five hundred years older than Luna. How was she supposed to know what the kids like these days? Then it occurred to her to try suggesting a book to her little sister. Their conversation went something like this:
CELESTIA: Hey, Luna-
LUNA: What.
CELESTIA: I was just thinking...
LUNA: Stop that.
CELESTIA: What?
LUNA: Thinking.
CELESTIA: (nervous giggle) Yes, well... I was thinking of a book I loved when I was your age. It's about a prince, and...
LUNA: Yawn. Can I go?
Needless to say, Luna did not take the book. Celestia, however, was detirmined to make her sister like something. Their mother had always said that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and Celestia began to reflect upon the maxim. So it came to pass that, while Luna was sleeping, Celestia snuck into her sister's chamber and placed a copy of The Tradgedy of the Prince of Danemare: A Play by The Bard of Stratford-Upon-Neighvon on Luna's silver vanity. Maybe, thought Celestia, she'll give it a shot. It was the solar princess's favorite, and she thought her sister might be able to relate to the plight of the melancholy prince.
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A few hours later, the inky blue mare was staring at the black book with a skull and sword on the cover. The bronze lettering on the front shone in the light, as if glowing. The text almost beckoned to her, and Luna crept forward to grab it (She did not get off the bed to get it. If it had been that far away, she probably would have decided against it). Guiltily, she glared around. Wouldn't that have been rich, if someone had stuck it there just so that they could say that they had seen Luna, Princess of Apathy, actually doing something. It wasn't that she didn't want to do things this summer, for she did. More important to her though, was that people saw how unhappy she was with her sister here. She wanted people to remember how she had been kept prisoner on the moon for so long, and think that Celestia was continuing her abuse of her sister even now. Which was untrue, but Luna didn't think so. She had come up with a conspiracy theory involving Celestia deliberately raising the sun earlier and earlier each morning so as to torture her sister with those garish rays. The Princess of the Night had always been one for melodrama.
After assuring herself of her solitude, she breathlessly opened the book. It wasn't often she had something to do in this room (she couldn't be seen carrying games or musical instruments upstairs; that would tarnish her image as one who did nothing), and she really did love reading. For hours, the young princess was completely absorbed with the tale. Of course, it is not worth relating the story of a young princess simply reading. No, what came next was far beyond ordinary. The event is sometimes explained as that summer madness, or too much to eat, or fever, or infection, but the truth is no one quite knows. Something in Luna's mind quite snapped. This story was not just some foreign prince and his struggle, it was Luna's story, or so she imagined. As she imgagined, she believed. The world around her blended with the one on the smooth white page between her hooves. Celestia was the traitorous Clopdius, tyrant king. Equestria was Danemare. For some reason, Luna's pet owl was Ponius, the blabbermouthing advisor to the king. Her two ladies-in-waiting were Rosencanter and Guildenstallion. Luna herself was the tragic Prince of Danemare, angrily seeking vengeance for the murder of his father who. In reality, King Saturn of Equestria, Luna's father, had died over a thousand years ago, but that was no matter to her at the moment. The princess pulled back her flowing, starry mane and donned a black doublet, as the story's prince would have worn (it is unclear where this doublet came from, though most think she created it with magic). Next, she strapped on black leather boots, the kind stallions used to wear, and slipped the elegant sapphire dagger she had received for her fiftieth birthday. If her parents had known that the gift of such a weapon to their then-tiny foal would have caused as much mischief as it did, they probably would have gone with a doll or some socks. Finally, the princess tossed the book in her saddlebag, swung the sac over her back, and cantered out into the castle looking for vengeance. Or something like it.
Darting her eyes around the large, empty stone corridor as if her every moved were being watched, Luna began to traipse through the castle. Her hoof steps echoed eerily. As it turns out, boots on hooves are very loud, and the mare thud-thud-thudded along until she was tapped on the shoulder from behind. "'Zounds!" she cried. The swear reverberated around the gothic architecture for a moment while the princess's ladies-in-waiting nervously cowered in shock and fear.
It was the cream unicorn with the strawberry mane, Dulcinea, who spoke first. "I'm so sorry, your highness, we just wanted to see if you were okay. We'd heard... never mind. I'm so sorry." Her companion, a lemon-colored mare with an electric blue mane nodded quickly in agreement. The pair looked pleadingly up at their mistress. Luna looked down on them with an unsettling smile. She began to giggle madly.
"I'm fine. And by the way, I'm on to you, Rosencanter. You too Guildenstallion." With a knowing grin, Luna sauntered off down the hall, leaving two very confused ponies in her wake.
"My boyfriend said he saw her dressed like a clown. Said she'd gone mad. I didn't want to believe it, but now we can't ignore it." Dulcinea sighed sadly, as if the news pained her. The yellow pony nodded, but then looked confused.
"What does 'fine' mean?" The other pony looked genuinely puzzled. Dulcinea patted her sympathetically. It occurred to her that everyone around her was crazy and stupid. At this thought, she looked pleadingly up to the ceiling and exhaled deeply. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------––---------------------------
It just so happened that on this day Princess Celestia was having a conference with Red Tape, the mayor of Filldelphia, to discuss the most efficient way to deal with the problem of crime in the large city. She and the mayor sat in the stained-glass light of the meeting room, which was in fact a large hall where the two ponies occupied the opposite ends of a long mahogany table. Although Celestia was taller, more powerful, more intelligent, older, and more attractive than Red Tape, something in the look he gave her made her feel small and powerless. She felt as if he were internally criticizing her every action as his brown eyes looked through a mop of white hair and a pair of glasses at her. The princess squirmed in her seat, wiping her hooves on her sides. To be honest, she had never been very good at meetings; she was always afraid that she would say something stupid and the other pony would go home and tell everypony that Celestia was stupid. Next, they would start thinking the princess was stupid, and then it would be "Why do we still have a monarchy?" and after that would come a democracy. That would not be good at all.
A servant entered with glasses of water for Celestia and the mayor, and the mare quickly grabbed the water with quaking hooves and drank it all. Red Tape would not have any drink, thank you. The servant quickly exited. "Let's get down to business." The old politician pushed up his glasses. In return, the princess nodded in an exceptionally awkward and unconvincing way.
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"A fishmonger." Luna said sarcastically to her owl. She was crouched on the ground next to the bird. For the past hour, the mad princess had been verbally sparring with the animal. Or, at least, Luna had been sparring. If the bird had any weapons in this battle of wits, he was not using them. With every snappy comeback to an imagined statement, the owl simply said "hoo." This is not an uncommon reaction for an owl in a word fight.
"I would you were so honest a mare." The alicorn chuckled mockingly.
Dulcinea and her fellow maid stood behind a nearby stone pillar, watching this odd scene. "Should we do something?" the cream mare asked, more to herself than her dim-witted co-worker. At first, seeing her mistress dressed as an old-fashioned stallion and acting like a madmare had been entertaining. After all, doesn't everyone sometimes wish that their boss would make a total idiot out of herself at one time or another? After seeing the young princess going at it for an entire day now, Dulcinea felt nothing but pity for the mare. "She is crazy as a shi-" she sighed, but was interrupted by the charge of boots down the corridor. "We've got a runner!" the pony cried, and the two mares bolted down the hall after their mistress.
Sweaty and out of breath, the ladies-in-waiting had to end their search after an hour of fruitless hunting. Dulcinea had lived in this castle long enough to know that there were enough secret doors, alleys, chambers, and tunnels that they might not see their mistress again for ages. Anxiously, the mare paced back and forth through the palace's stony atrium, trying to decide on her next move. She didn't want to tell Celestia, not just yet anyway. What if the princess decided it was her fault? The Princess of the Sun was famously merciful in all things but those who harmed Luna. A servant had been sent to the moon for accidentally tripping her. A cook had been fired for giving the alicorn lukewarm dinner. Not to mention the fate of the colt caught kissing Luna. Dulcinea shuddered. No. Celestia musn't be told. At least not yet. Dulcinea would go to Doctor Redheart, the new court physician. Maybe she would know what to do. The mare turned on her heel and began to trot off, but was stopped by a hoof on her tail.
"You're on my tail, Lemon."
"You're not going to leave me." replied the brightly-colored pony.
"I'll be back."
"Don't leave me alone in this castle." Lemon's voice was tinged with paranoia.
"There's nothing wrong with this castle
"But..." The mare's blue curls shook as she frantically checked the large chamber for eavesdroppers. "...there are gargoyles." Her pink eyes fixed on a stone monster guarding the outside of a nearby window. Realistically, the chances of the sculpture hurting anyone were slim to none, but the pony obviously wasn't interested in reason.
"Are you bucking kidding me?" Dulcinea was fed up with all this waiting. Who knew what Luna was doing? What if Celestia saw her sister like this? This wasn't going to end well.
"Gargoyles are no laughing matter." the yellow pony said gravely.
"The only gargoyles around here are stone, stupid."
"Yeah! During the day... Anyway, if you go, I'll say you attacked me." A mischievous look crossed the simpleton's face.
"But I didn't-"
"Help! I'm being attacked!"
"Shut up. You can come." Dulcinea stalked off in a huff, with Lemon hot at her heels.
As they left, the gargoyle breathed a sigh of relief. At least, he thought, the wierd yellow pony's gone. He didn't like being alone around ponies. They gave him the creeps.
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Doctor Redheart sank into her computer chair, inhaling the warmth of a freshly brewed cup of herbal tea. Her throat was sore, her hair was a mess, she couldn't breathe through her nose, and she had a funny feeling in her spleen. She had known the end of medical school two months ago would bring stress, but she hadn't thought about the stress it would put on her immune system. Being around sick ponies all day was just so taxing. The doctor surveyed the pile of tissues strewn about her desk and floor. The gray carpet was now a sea of crumpled white. It didn't help that the castle physician's office was a sickly shade of yellow. At least it was almost time to retire for the evening. The mare blankly turned her sky blue eyes to the ugly clock on the wall. If no one came in the next thirty seconds, she was done. Twenty. Ten. Five...
"Luna... Play... Crazy, totally bucking crazy... And then there were boots...Dagger... Owl... Fishmonger..." Dulcinea stammered between pants. Lemon nodded in consent. The two were reeking of sweat after having raced to meet with the doctor before she left. Redheart slowly closed her eyes and opened them. Yes, the two mares were really there, this was really happening. The door really had burst open two seconds before it was time to clock out. With a lazy groan, the doctor got up slowly from the chair to deal with the case which had just been unceremoniously dumped in her lap.
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Luna sat alone in the dark library, lying on a rich blue rug between the shelves. "To be, or not to be?" the indigo mare whispered. She pulled her dagger out of her boots and stared at it. The silver blade reflected the feminine blue eye of the young ruler of the night. She was exhausted after so many hours of sleepless roaming and solliliquizing. The sapphires that adorned the hilt glistened in the candlelight that illuminated the room. "To be!" she exclaimed wildly, and scurried up and away. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------––---------------------------
Celestia was not feeling well at all. The room was hot, she was seeing stars, and her lunch was pushing to make a reappearance. Red Tape had done nothing but shoot down idea after idea, and make her feel like she had no clue how to negotiate at all. It was almost like he wanted to prevent any agreement on crime stopping whatsoever. If he wasn't so intolerable, she would have suspected him of being in cahoots with a crime lord or something. As it stood, she found it hard to believe anypony could tolerate, much less cooperate with this stallion. Even criminals would avoid this guy like the plague, she thought. As time dragged on, Celestia grew convinced that the room was shrinking, attempting to trap her here forever. Her imagination began to take hold. She was a petty child again, imagining him, a schoolyard enemy, being chased by sharks and alligators. Yes, she thought with a silent cackle. A bite on the bum will show him. It remains unclear as to what exactly a bite on the bum would show, but that didn't matter to the princess.
"Princess, are you alright?" the politician stared impatiently at her. Her covert daydreaming was not very covert after all, it would seem. Summoning all the self-control she could muster, Celestia resisted the urge to tell him to go the buck away, call him a creepy old stallion, and curl up somewhere nopony would find her; instead she smiled delicately. It wasn't the Fillydelphians' fault their mayor was terribly unnerving and impossible, and the crime problem was serious. Once again returning to maturity, the princess reopened discussion.
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Doctor Redheart was a bit more enthusiastic about the afternoon's events when she learned that her patient was none other than Princess Luna herself. She had groggily wandered after the two ladies-in-waiting to the place where they had seen the young ruler last. All the while, she thought of how it was a rarity to treat an alicorn, let alone the princess. Alicorns were notoriously healthy, often going centuries without so much as a cold. Really, the court physician only ministered to the workers in the castle, not the royalty. "It's my lucky day." muttered the mare. She too knew of Celestia's protectiveness, and feared that if she could not cure Luna, she may as well buy a spacesuit to begin her new life on the moon. Redhart's mind hazily began to ponder the practicalities of a life on the moon. Did they sell spacesuits at Stallmart? No, probably not. She supposed that meant she would have to cure Luna.
"This is the place." Dulcinea stated, drawing Redheart from her musing. The stone hallway was still. There were no boots to be heard.
"You said all these symptoms are related to a book, correct?" the doctor asked.
"Yes. Why?"
"Did you check for her in the library?"
"No. Why?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe because the library is where you find books?" The physician was becoming rather snappy from the combination of stress and cold medicine. "You don't think she could have possibly gone there?"
"No." Lemon spoke up. No one paid her much mind, though, and continued towards the library.
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"Alas, poor Yorick!" the midnight blue pony cooed to an imaginary skull. Unknown to her, the three mares watched her from behind a shelf of self help books. The alicorn wore her beautiful hair in a messy ponytail, with her small black tiara tilted wildly to the side. Her doublet was hanging open, and torn at the shoulder. Dulcinea shivered at the thought of the princess getting in the sort of situation that cause such a tear. She was moon-bound for sure. The boots slouched unevenly about the ruler's knees, and the little dagger shone in the dim light.
"I have some anti-psychotic medications I could perscribe. After that, I just think she needs some sleep." Doctor Redheart spoke as someone in a dream, unable to take her eyes off of the bizarre performance the princess was giving. It wasn't everyday you saw a monarch who thinks she's a literary character. Reluctantly, she tore herself away to get the medicine for the lunatic Luna.
Just after the doctor's pink tail was out of sight, Luna decided that Clopdius needed to taste the bitter sting of revenge. She stretched out her bat-like wings and flew out of the room, much to the despair of the two mares who had just begun to catch their breaths. They chased their mistress down corridor after corridor, unsure of what was going to happen, but sure it could not be good. When Redheart returned to find the empty library, she galloped manically after the distant sound of hooves and wings.
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At this very moment, Princess Celestia's young student Twilight Sparkle was just realizing she had forgotten to send her teacher her twenty page essay on the illustrious history of the three-toed sloth. "Spike!" she cried, frantically searching the little treehouse for her beloved assistant. The baby dragon was nowhere to be found. If he couldn't send the essay to Celestia, she might have to... she was unable to form the words in her head. Never once had she gotten a late grade, and she wasn't about to start. If Spike couldn't send it, by Celestia, she'd deliver it herself. With a quick spell, the lavender unicorn dissapeared from her home, essay in tow, in a blur of purple and blue.
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"He is the serpent who killed my father." Luna spat. With great flaps of her wings, she propelled herself towards the room where Celestia was meeting with Red Tape. Below her, Doctor Redheart, Dulcinea, and Lemon galloped in a failing attempt to stop her from reaching Celestia. This was not going to end well.
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With a zap, Twilight Sparkle thudded to the floor in front of Celestia. "Your highness, I have my essay!" Twilight cried as she dusted herself off and rose from the floor. After seeing the grumpy stallion at the other end of the table, she quickly hushed. "I'm so sorry!" she stammered, trying to come up with an excuse for her interrupting the meeting. "I just..."
"It's okay, Twilight Sparkle!" Celestia beamed. She was glad of the distraction from His Royal Annoyingness.
"But, I..." Twilight began apologetically.
"Really, it's okay." Celestia insisted.
"Can someone please tell me what's going on?" burst Red Tape.
At that moment, Luna, Doctor Redheart, Dulcinea, and Lemon came bursting through the door. Luna landed lightly on the ground. She strode towards Twilight Sparkle. For a moment she silently studied the unicorn's face. Twilight tried to greet the princess and be friendly, but Luna merely stared. Suddenly, she interrupted the shocked silence of the onlookers.
"Get thee to a nunnery, Ofillya!" she cried angrily, turned, and stalked away with a swish of her starry tail.
"Did she just call me..." Twilight questioned.
"Why is my sister dressed in a doublet and boots?" Celestia said threateningly.
"Your highness, let me explain. Your sis-" Doctor Redheart began.
Luna turned to the doctor. "Oh, do not kiss him!" she shouted, pointing furiously at Celestia. "Do not go to bed with him! Fair mother..." the younger princess ranted for a long time while everyone stood stupefied and uncomfortable. When she had finished, Red Tape spoke up.
"Celestia, you and the nurse are an item?" Red Tape suggestively raised an eyebrow.
"What is going on here? And, no. Also, when did you suddenly decide to become interested in what I have to say, you flaming flank hole!" Celestia was spitting nails. Her white face turned bright red, and she gritted her teeth audibly. "Luna, what happen-" she was interrupted by a Luna's dagger as it sailed towards her face. She dodged it just in time for the blade to glance off a nearby pillar and sink into the table.
"Too bad. That was mahogany." sighed Dulcinea.
Upon losing her weapon, Luna grabbed a cushion from one of the chairs at the table and began violently beating her sister with it.
"Some- pony- please- explain- what's- going- on- here!" Celetia said between blows to the face. Luna had taken to the air, and was hitting her sister's head from all angles. Quickly, Celestia grabbed a cushion herself and began to block her attacker's blows. Celestia extended her wings to slow her fall as she tumbled backwards following a particularly strong blow. She pumped her large wings and took to the air. The two swooped among the arches in the ceiling, showering all below with a soft snowfall of down from the busted cushions. For quite a while, they continued their intense pillow fight until finally Luna began to swoon. Celestia caught her little sister and gently carried her down.
"She's exhausted and delirious." Doctor Redheart said. "It's to be expected."
"It's a madhouse!" cried Red Tape, and he stormed off in a self-important huff. Unsurprisingly, nopony at all cared.
Celestia, Redheart, Twilight, Dulcinea, and Lemon gently carried the unconscious princess to her room and laid her down. As Celestia tenderly untangled her sister's mane, removed her grungy doublet, and yanked off her crazy boots, she was told the entire story of her sister's madness. Doctor Redheart assured Celestia that her sister would be back to normal with a little sleep. The white alicorn was the last to leave the room, trailing the others by a few feet. "Goodnight, sweet princess." Celestia sang.
"Please don't start that again." Dulcinea said with an exasperated sigh.
The next morning, Luna groggily headed down to breakfast. Redheart, Dulcinea, Lemon, Celestia, and even Twilight Sparkle sat waiting for her arrival. Luna was a bit embarrassed, as she had no recollection of the past day and a half, and had no idea what all these mares were staring at her for. They filled her in on the extent of her escapades. Being of better humor this morning that other mornings of late, Luna laughed heartily at her own insanity. "Did I really?" she would ask lightly. "I think you made this up," the princess teased. Celestia showed her sister her bruises from their climactic battle to assure her that all of it was indeed not "made up." Luna apologized, but her apology was so tempered with laughter that it didn't seem very repentant at all.
"Now, as for you ladies..." Celestia gravely adressed the ladies-in-waiting and the doctor. "...It has come to my attention that you let my sister fall to harm. For this, I hereby banish you all to the Equestrian Lunar Penitentiary."
The three mares fell to their knees, begging for mercy, weeping and apologizing and gnashing teeth. Luna ate her cereal while watching them grovel, neither condemning nor supporting them. Long ago, she had learned to just go with it when her sister felt like banishing ponies. You didn't want to provoke the Sun Princess's wrath. Twilight, however, looked deeply conflicted. With alarm, Celestia bade them all stand up. "I was only kidding, ladies. My word, you are such drama queens!" The three awkwardly stood up and faked good-natured smiles. They exited as quickly as possible.
"I'm glad you're better." Celestia hugged Luna. Twilight smiled.
"Did you ladies learn anything?" Twilight asked innocently.
"In fact, I did Twilight." Luna replied with what little air she could get while wrapped in her sister's embrace.
"What was that?" Celestia said warmly.
"Books are dangerous. I will never read another book again." Celestia drew Luna tighter to her so that she could see Twilight over Luna's shoulder. The white alicorn mouthed ''What the buck?!' and looked as though she might die from suppressing so much laughter. Twilight simply looked confused. That was not the moral she intended to hear. With a shrug, she joined in the hug. All was well in Equestria. At least until the next summer, when Twilight left her copy of A Clockwork Zapapple in the throne room. That, dear reader, is another story altogether.