It’s been a few months now since I joined the FDA. I was able to pay off some of the ponies I ruined in the past. Shouldn’ve just done that before instead of going to jail. Hey, I was a colt then, it’s not like I knew better. I blame my parents, but you know something? I kinda miss them, and I wonder where they are, but the Director of the FDA has promised to get into that for me. I haven’t heard any updates since though. Even though I had a bunch of other missions in the past and was successful over them, with the help of some agents including Merry May and Apple Fritter, today would be a major mission for me! It all started at The Jam club one night; Bumper Sticker was arguing with a couple of ponies outside of the club.
“I’m telling you two, you’re not coming in! Not in those clothes, baby.” Bumper informed the two ponies.
“There are ponies in there not wearing anything!” one of the ponies complained.
“Yeah, what’s up with that?” the other one asked.
“Ponies that wear clothes, or don’t wear clothes is a fashion choice, baby. Now if you wanna keep standing here, wasting my time, I can tell the ponies behind you to cut in front of you.” Bumper said. “Now change into something that doesn’t make you seem like a bunch of thugs, or don’t come back at all. Next!”
“I’ll next you!” one of the ponies threatened him.
“Come on, pone, let’s just go to the Applebees across the street.” The other pony suggested as the two of them walked away.
Just then, another pony with a monkey on his shoulder shows up, and then Bumper said, “The monkey’s in. YOU, back of the line.” He said to the pony carrying the monkey. The monkey cheerfully ran inside the club while looking back at his owner and placing his hand on his forehead in the shape of an L.
While that was happening, I was patrolling the inside of the club. I was just on the phone with Merry May. “Hey, Merry!” I said. “Yeah, the nightclub business with the popular Elusive is going great! How is everything with you? You got one of the mysterious doctor’s goons? Same story, right? Ah!” I nodded. “Yeah I’m sure the Friendship Mob will get to the bottom of it. Research shows he’s based in Mareami. Fatherly issues, huh? I know how that feels. Alright, see you back in HQ, Mer! Ciao!” I hang up. Just then, I saw a pony disturbing the peace here in the club. “Hey, hey! Quit dancing on the tables! They’re for food to dance on, not ponies.” I helped the pony get off the table. “There’s plenty of room in the dance floor, but consider this your first warning.”
While that was going on, I received a message from Sky Net on my ear piece. “Jerry, my twin sister is having some problems at the bar. Can you sort it out?” Sky asked.
“Why do you keep calling her that? I know she’s your twin sister.” I asked.
“Just go help her!” Sky demanded.
I groaned. “Fine.” And then I went over to the bar where Clara Net was having some trouble with a cider-filled pony.
“You look fine girl! I can stare at them all day!” the intoxicated pony said while looking at Clara Net’s chest.
“Stop looking at my necklace like that! My grandma gave it to me!” Clara said insultingly.
“I think you had one too much, buddy.” I said to the pony. “I think it’s time for you to go.”
“I ain’t goin’ nowhere!” the pony said angrily.
“I’ll buy you a cab so it can take you home. My treat.” I said.
“Jerry! Quit being so nice to these jerks!” Clara demanded.
“I can’t be mean to them. It’s against my ways.” I said. “Even though he’s causing a disturbance and he should leave, the least I can do is offer him a ride back home.”
“You really need to grow some guts, Jerry!” Clara said.
“You want me to mean to ponies? Didn’t a half-hour ago you just asked a pony to take a chill pill after he was insulting you?” I asked.
“It’s not the same thing! At least you’d be standing up to your co-workers! To me! I thought we had something going!” Clara said.
“Me taking you to the doctor’s office isn’t ‘something going’.” I reminded her.
“You stallions are all the time!” Clara said.
“Yeah, ok then. Whatever.” I said.
“Argue with me, dangit, Jer! You’re such a doormat!” Clara said.
“Jerry, I need you at the security office right away! It’s an emergency!” Sky Net said in panic on my ear piece.
“Oh, please excuse me, Clara. Duty calls!” I said as I ran off.
“Where did you pop up from all my life, darling?” the intoxicated pony asked Clara.
“Why is Jerry head of security here when he can’t keep a simple donkey away?” Clara asked.
“YEP! THIS IS HOW US DONKEYS LOOK TO PONIES!” a random mule said in a goofy voice. “Yelk, yelk! Garsh!”
“You’re a mule.” Clara corrected him.
“Nopony can even tell us apart!” the stereotypical mule said.
Over at the security office where Sky Net was waiting for me, I rushed inside to see what her emergency was, but once again, I’ve fallen into another one of Sky Net’s flirting traps. “What’s going on, Sky? Where’s the fire?” I asked.
“You. You’re on fire, Jer.” Sky said in a flirty tone.
“Ugh!” I groaned. “Not this again, Sky. Look you and your sister; I did you favors, it’s what I do, and you save 15% or more by switching to Geico. It’s what you do, but that doesn’t mean I’m trying to start a relationship with you two.”
“I’m glad you turn down my sister, Jer! She’s so square, wanting somepony tough in her life, but me, I want somepony gentle, like you!” Sky said as she started leaning close to me.
I stepped back a bit and said, “Look, you and your sister, you’re my friends, and I’m glad we’re friends, but that’s it. Why do you two keep doing this to me?”
“You’re single, right?” Sky asked.
“Yeah.” I said.
“Then what’s the big deal? You’re not cheating on anypony! Yeah, see? I blew your mind there, brutha!” Sky said as she danced around.
“Look, I have to get back to alright?” I said as I started walking backwards towards the door.
“Jerry, you’re such a square! Maybe you are fit for my sister!” Sky said.
“No I’m not.” I said. “I’m just in the middle of work right now, and I can’t be distracted by these things.”
“Makes me think you’re in a secret relationship with Elusive.” Sky said.
“He… he’s my best friend, but nothing more.” I said.
“HA! You hesitated there!” Sky said mischievously.
I then sighed and said, “I have to get back on duty, love.”
“UGH! Fine.” Sky groaned. “Might as well go to the V.I.P. area. We have one of our celebrity guests harassing another pony.”
“One of the best things I like about this job, I get to meet celebrities, and I get to help them out! They rely on me! Heheheh!” I said mischievously. So I went up to the V.I.P. area to help out one of our celebrity guests. You know, usually it’s the other way around. The celebrities get harassed my paparazzos and crazed fanponies.
“Come on, mate. I’ll get you a limo so you can return to your hotel.” I said as I helped the intoxicated celebrity to the door.
“But wait! I can’t leave without my mare! We have so much in common!” Trenderhoof said.
“We have nothin’ in common, dirtbag!” a redneck mare yelled out at him and then spit on the ground. “You celebrities make me sick!”
“But I made this town a natural vacation spot!” Trenderhoof cried out.
“Don’t spit on the floor, please. Spit on the trays up there.” I instructed the redneck mare.
“Call me!” Trenderhoof cried out. He then said to himself, “She’s not gonna call me. She doesn’t even have a phone.”
“Let’s not be stereotypical, mate. Time to head home.” I said as I helped Trenderhoof out of the club.
“HEY! You forgot somepony, gutless freak!” Clara yelled out at me.
“UGH! Can it wait?!” I yelled out.
“Yelling in rage. I like it!” Clara nodded.
“I like rage too!” Trenderhoof said.
“UGH! This is too much for me!” I groaned as took Trenderhoof over to the pony that flirted with Clara. “Here, hold on to him. I need to step out for some fresh air.”
“Hello, beautiful! Do you live on a farm?” Trenderhoof asked the intoxicated stallion.
“I don’t… I don’t think I’m in Kansas anymore.” The pony said.
“What’s a Kansas? Is that a farm?” Trenderhoof asked.
“It’s gone. The twister took it! IT TOOK IT I TELL YOU!” the pony yelled at Trenderhoof’s face.
I immediately stepped out of the club so I can calm myself down. After a few seconds of being out here, Elusive followed me out. “Heya, sweetie! Down at the dumps today?” Elusive asked while throwing a trash bag into the dumpster. “Well this bag is about to go there.” He started to giggle.
“Hee hee.” I said sarcastically.
“I’m sorry, Jer. Was that too much?” Elusive asked.
“A bit.” I said. “I’m sorry, Elou, I’m not really in the mood for this. This work… this work is just… so bloody stressful!”
“Yeeeeeah, I should’ve warned you how stressful this job was for me.” Elusive said, but then he smiled and said. “But then you came along, did all the hard work, and made life easier for me!”
“Is that why you gave me the contract? Just so I can make life easier for you?” I asked grouchily.
“Heavens no! I was only playing with you.” Elusive said as he walked over next to me. “My job is still a lot harder. I don’t think you’d last a day in my horseshoes.”
“And I believe that.” I nodded.
“Aw, darling, lighten up! You got to help out a couple of celebrities tonight! Trenderhoof… you helped Clara and Sky gain a daytime contract for Photo Finish. Little did I know ponies were really into twins!” Elusive said.
“Little did I know they were really into cooking magazines.” I said.
“The twin chefs! This will really help their ego.” Elusive said.
“Hopefully those two will quit afterwards.” I said.
“Careful what you wish for, Jer. If they leave, it makes working at the club even harder for both of us!” Elusive said. “Just how I like it! Oooo, I’m so bad!”
“You’re really obsessed with working, huh?” I asked.
“Better than anything! I love working! Working at this club is really fun, Jer, and I couldn’t have gone this far without the help of your family’s life savings!” Elusive said.
“What was that?” I asked.
“Nothing. Just playing with you again!” Elusive giggled again. “Or am I? Ooooo! So naughty!”
“Yeeeeeah, umm, I think I should take the rest of the night off.” I said.
“Hey no matter! Less pay for you! I need to save money anyway. I’m starting to invest too much to the club.” Elusive said.
“What’s up with that?” I asked.
“Well, it’s not just that. The property taxes are increasing. I mean this IS Las Pegasus after all.” Elusive said.
“Excuses, excuses.” I teased.
“Heh! You can say that!” Elusive chuckled.
“I just did.” I said.
“Alright, well, you seemed stressed out enough, so if you want, you can head home early tonight. My treat!” Elusive insisted.
“Your treat? It’s like you’re saying you’re buying me something.” I said.
“I pay you, don’t I? I’m your boss.” Elusive reminded me.
“I thought we were business partners? Equals?” I asked.
“You know I’m always going to be the big boss around these parts! But if I gain another special somepony soon, he better be the bigger boss!” Elusive teased.
“Enough with those jokes, Elusive. It’s making me uncomfortable. Really!” I said.
“Sorry, dear.” Elusive chuckled. “I can’t help it all the time!”
“Man, I do NOT wanna know!” I said.
So I went on home for the night so I can rest. When I got there, Jelly was watching TV. “Tonight on PNT,” the TV announcer started, “we have a 5 hour marathon of Las Pegasus’ hit live-action show starring everypony’s favorite paparazzo – Picture Perfect!”
“Hi I’m Picture Perfect, and today we’re about to witness something nopony in the world has ever seen before! We’re going to see Photo Finish without her sunglasses or dress on! Rumor has it that Photo Finish is actually the disguise of another pony.” Picture Perfect said to the camera.
“GET OUT! GET OUT! Photo Finish sees you out there!” Photo Finish cried out in her mansion as she wore a towel around her body and another one on her hair, and her sunglasses were still on. “Photo Finish sees all! Get out of here before Photo Finish calls the cops!”
“Luckily we’re owned by a huge corporation with a ton of lawyers!” Picture Perfect said to the camera. “Nopony messes with us! We mess with them!”
“How many celebrities will he be able to get secrets revealed out of before TMZ does? Find out tonight only Picture Perfect, on PNT!” the TV announcer concluded the commercial.
“What up, Jelly?” I asked as I entered the house.
“Oi, bro! You just in time!” Jelly said as she gives me a blank sheet of paper.
“What is this?” I asked.
“I think you have a message of the FDA. Why don’t you read it?” Jelly asked.
“Oh nice! I could use some heroic deeds after a stressful day’s work.” I said as I put on the special FDA glasses and began to read the sheet of paper.
“So what’s it say?” Jelly asked.
“Nothing. This is an actual blank sheet of paper.” I said.
“Oh… woops.” Jelly said.
“What happened?” I asked.
“I must’ve switched one of the printer papers with the message.” Jelly admitted. “Sorry, Jer!”
“No biggie. You didn’t print with it, did you?” I asked.
“Actually…” Jelly said as she gave me the piece of paper that turns out to be the FDA message but with more writing on it. “Hey, at least without the glasses, you should be able to read what I printed out!”
“I can barely read this now.” I said. “I mean, I can see some of the FDA message. It’s talking about some sort of cartel and illegal merchandise shipping. Ok, I definably can read this part – report to HQ immediately. I guess they can explain it there.”
“Well at least there’s no harm done then!” Jelly shrugged.
“No harm done? Some of it could be too important to say vocally! All I’ll be able to remember this message by is the list of things you eat all day, and what your bodyweight is!” I said.
“I’m in Yoga, I have to keep track on what I eat, and send this list to my personal trainer to see if I’m right on track.” Jelly said. “It wouldn’t be a bad idea to get you a trainer yourself, Jer. You’re growing a bit of a gut there.” She pokes my stomach.
“My maximum is just under 200 pounds. If I’m under 200 pounds, I believe I’m fine.” I said. “I mean, it makes up for my height.”
“Whatever you say, bro. I hope the pharmacy that contains all the medicine you need when you’re 50 is nearby.” Jelly teased.
I just ignored that little statement and went over to HQ. I love the FDA HQ! Coffee is free there, and the vending machine snacks only cost 1 bit, as it should be, not 3 bits like in normal public vending machines. When I got to HQ, I passed the receptionist, who gave me an insultingly compliment, and I went into the elevator up to the 45th floor to the briefing room where I met up with Merry May and Apple Fritter. “Hey, Merry May! Apple Fritter! Good to have you on board!” I said.
“Yep! The director is planning this next mission for the three of us. It’ll be just like… old times.” Merry May said.
“I haven’t even been in this agency for long yet. Let’s not say ‘old times’ just yet.” I said.
“You’ve been here for approximately 6 months, 3 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours, 13 minutes, and 49… er… 50 seconds, no 51 seconds. Now its 52, 53….” Apple Fritter continued.
“Alright, Fritter. Heh… I think you made your point.” Merry stopped her.
“58… 59…” Apple Fritter added. “Now 14 minutes and 1 second.”
“Hey, Mer? You took care of that goon, right?” I asked.
“Yep! He’s been arrested!” Merry said. “I brought him to our special reforming school, so we can persuade him to give up his evil ways, and set him up for good, but like our policy: we don’t force it upon them. We keep giving them recommendations until they’re ready to do good, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll give us the info we need on a mysterious doctor that’s been causing trouble for a group of Ponyville ponies known as the Noble Six.”
“Jolly-good! How’s your job going at the flower place?” I asked.
“Oh I haven’t been working there lately. It’s the rainy season, you see, so they needed me back in my primary job: the Cloudsdale Weather Factory. Selling the flowers around Equestria for Daisy, Rose, ‘n Lily Valley is a second job. I want to retire at an early age, and be able to work full-time for the FDA.” Merry explained.
“So you have three jobs?” I asked.
“Like I said before, this is more of a hobby.” Merry said. “Besides, I need an undercover job. I’m a workaholic. I’m in love with my job!”
“Why do you have two undercover jobs though?” I asked.
“The Cloudsdale Weather Factory, I’ve worked there since before I joined the FDA, and I can’t just quit. I’ve been Employee of the Month five times in one year! I’m a Cloud Pipe Supervisor over there, and I mainly work there during the winter, and it’s close to winter time now.” Merry explained.
“What about the flower shop?” I asked.
“I have to keep an eye on Ponyville from time to time. I supervise FDA agents in both Cloudsdale and Ponyville, so I needed a second job there. It’s not so hard, I’m a traveler anyway.” Merry said.
“You really are obsessed with working, huh?” I asked.
“There are times Apple Fritter visits Ponyville to visit family, so at those times, I’m not needed there. It gives me a little break.” Merry said.
“Ah love mah family!” Apple Fritter said. “But y’know, it’s not easy being the only FDA agent in Appleloosa. Ah leave the town unsupervised when I visit family.”
Just then, the communications’ screen turns on and the Skype video chat chimes showing that the FDA director wants to schedule a chat. Apple Fritter presses the button and the video chat with the director comes on.
“Greetings, agents!” the director said.
“Why is she still in shadowy form? We all know who she is.” I asked.
“I find it more fun talking to my FDA agents this way.” The director said and chuckled. “Anyways, I have a mission for you three.”
“Well, we’re the best trio for any job, director! What do ya need?” Apple Fritter asked as she placed her hooves over Merry and me.
“Well, there’s been word of a large-scale presents of illegal dark magic here in Las Pegasus. Magic that can be used to disrupt the peace deeply. Magic that can be… even deadly.” The director explained. “It is a very dangerous type of magic, and can be even more dangerous if fallen into the wrong hooves.”
“What kind of magic is it?” Merry asked.
“That is still unknown at this point, which is why I want you three to scope it out. It is being shipped at the docks, and it is being supervised by Sphinxes. An international disharmony gang by the name of the Sphinx Cartel.” The director said.
“Sphinxes… the desert cats with the funny hats.” Apple Fritter nodded. “Wow, that’s a good moto for them.” She said as she writes it down on a notepad.
“Didn’t think they had a cartel.” Merry said. “These days, they were a peaceful race. After the abolishment of slavery and all.”
“You may think so, but all races have their dark side. Even Fluffleponies do.” The director said.
“Dang.” I said surprisingly.
“So the docks, huh?” Merry asked. “Shouldn’t port security handle it?”
“I sense corruption in the works.” The director assumed. “Probably bribing port security. These smugglers are threatening way of life here in LP. I’d like you three to scope out the docks. Do not engage them.”
“Oh, too bad. I planned a big reception for them.” I teased as the director and I both chuckled. Merry and Fritter just looked at eachother awkwardly.
“I love a pony with a sense of humor!” the director said. “Anyway, the time has not come to engage them. I’d like you follow some of their merchants across town, and see where they go. Afterwards, go undercover as some buyers and buy some dark magic from them. Bring the sample back here, and we’ll investigate it. Are there any questions?”
“Oi, I have a question.” I said with my hoof in the air.
“Yes, Agent Jam?” the director asked.
“Who’s buying them?” I asked.
“The agency handles all of the funds. Seems to be a lot coming from a rich pony like you, Agent Jam.” The director said mischievously.
“Hey you know me, director. I save what I can.” I shrugged.
“Get the equipment you need, and the briefcase full of money, and report back here once you’re done. Have fun!” the director said as the transmission cuts off.
“Was that a demand?” Apple Fritter asked.
So the three of us headed down to the docks on the west side of town after we picked up our gadgets and the briefcase full of money. Over at the docks, some of the Sphinx smugglers just got there after their freighter came in from wherever they live. Port security went over to their freighter for inspection. “Inspection, please?” the pony asked.
“Hang on.” The lead Sphinx said as she takes some money out of her pocket and gives it to the security pony. “Here, does this pass inspection?”
“For sure!” the security pony said as he counts some of the money. “Just keep quiet. You know the drill.”
“I wouldn’t make any noise for the world!” the Sphinx said as she chuckles, telling her goons to offload some crates full of the dark magic.
Merry uses her acrobatic stunts to get on top of some cargo freights so she can oversee the deal that’s going on; even though she could’ve just flown. “I’m in position.” She said on her ear piece.
“Great! Let us know when one of the merchants are leaving, so we can follow them.” I instructed her.
“I’ve been in this agency longer. Why are you giving me orders?” Merry asked. “Wait… whoa!”
“What happened?” I asked.
“First off, I’m surprised you’re giving me orders.” Merry said. “Second, these Sphinxes aren’t just a bunch of goons, they’re a highly organized gang. They have a freighter FULL of the stuff!”
“Wow… that’s going to take some doing.” I said.
“No duh!” Merry said. “It’s not often that we see organized crime this high in Equestrian soil. We have major corruption in these docks. The security ponies are definitely being bribed.”
“That’s not surprising.” I said.
“There’s a huge crate being carried off of the ship. It must have the stuff inside. What kind of dark magic is this?” Merry asked.
“That’s what Apple Fritter and I are doing. We’re going to follow the merchants to a deal, and we’re going to buy some dark magic off them. They won’t suspect a thing! This will be easy!”
“I hope you don’t jinx it, Jer, ‘cause I expect things to go wrong pretty fast. They might catch you.” Merry said.
“Merry, relax!” I instructed her. “I used to be a criminal! I sold stolen jewelry in the black market, and buying illegal dark magic should be a snap compared to that! Stolen jewelry is much hotter.”
“Hey you’re the expert, Agent Jam.” Merry shrugged. “All I know about the criminal underworld is stealing movies off the internet.”
“What’s going on now?” I asked.
“The Sphinxes are unloading the cargo. It would appear the dark magic is inside some type of containment container.” Merry said. “Heh! Containment container! Just imagine saying those words together upon a daily bases!”
“Containment container! She’s right it is a funny phrase!” Apple Fritter said. “Mah throat tingles by just sayin’ them!”
“They’re taking…. umm… looks like seven containers filled with this stuff into the carriage.” Merry said as she spied on what the Sphinxes are doing. “Oh wait, they’re taking seven more. How many are they putting in this truck?”
“What does the truck look like?” I asked.
“It’s a beige truck with a coffee bean on it. It looks like it’s disguising itself as a coffee truck so nopony would be suspicious.” Merry assumed.
“A coffee truck, oi? How original.” I said sarcastically.
“The Cartel at it’s finest, ah reckon.” Apple Fritter said.
After the Sphinxes load up the truck carriage, a cloaked Androsphinx comes out and attaches himself onto the carriage. “You know what to do, right Hufflegulf?” the lead Sphinx asked the dealer.
“Nothing to worry about, my lady.” Hufflegulf said. “All I have is a collection of buyers today, and if I see anything suspicious, I take emergency measures.”
“Excellent. Hopefully you have all of this cargo sold by later today.” The lead Sphinx hoped.
“Lady Moustákia Gatáki, I assure you, I rarely come back with anything but loot.” Hufflegulf said.
“That’s why you’re my favorite dealer!” Lady Moustákia Gatáki said as she pats him on the head, and Hufflegulf began to purr.
“Ok, Jer?” Merry asked. “The dealer’s name is Hufflegulf, and the leader of the Cartel goes by the name of Moustákia Gatáki.”
“Her name is Kitten Whiskers?” Apple Fritter asked as she began to laugh. “That’s more hilarious than a clown in a jelly swimmin’ pool!”
“How did you know that?” I asked.
“Automatic translator on my ear piece. Made it mahself!” Apple Fritter said. “Ah ain’t the Technician Supervisor for nothin’!”
Just then, one of the Sphinx guards thought she heard something so she looks up at where Merry May was, but luckily, Merry’s swift ninja skills helped her hide from the Sphinx’s vision, and the Sphinx just shrugged and continued guarding. “I was almost spotted!” Merry whispered.
“You have swift ninja skills, Agent May!” I said. “I learned that back at our mission at the Baltimare Museum! Trying to stop those thieves from stealing that ancient artifact from inside the museum without setting off an alarm!”
“That was a good night!” Merry said.
“It sure was!” I nodded.
“What? What was a good night?” Apple Fritter asked. “Do you two… have a thing goin’ on?”
“Wha- NO!” I said. “Aren’t you even listening?”
“I turned off my ear piece after Merry said she was almost spotted. Didn’t want them to hear our transmissions.” Apple Fritter said.
“They’re not going to hear our transmissions, love.” I said.
“You sure about that, ‘love’?” Apple Fritter asked. “Gotta watch out. Ponies might be listenin’ to us right now for all we know!”
“Agent Fritter, we’re already trying not to jinx one thing. Let’s not add another.” I suggested.
“Ok, Agent Jam? Agent Fritter? They’re leaving the port. They’re heading to the East entrance.” Merry said.
“On it!” I said as I started pulling the carriage. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to stay here and gather intelligence from this freighter. I won’t contact you so I won’t disturb the deal, unless it’s an emergency. Contact me though when you’re done, and we’ll meet back at HQ.” Merry said.
“And you say you have a problem with ME giving orders!” I teased.
“Oh shut it, Agent Jam!” Merry chuckled. “Now go! The dealer’s almost at the East entrance!”
“10-4, over and out!” I said as I ran over to the East entrance and already saw the dealer going out. “Alright, this is what we’ve been training for! Let’s follow him.”
“Make sure to keep 2 carriage lengths away.” Apple Fritter suggested.
“Carriage length isn’t even a real distance of measurement. It’s just some excuse for these carriage pulling places so ponies would study more.” I said.
“Luckily ah never went to carriage school. Ah usually install automatics to handle it. If more carriages had automatics, less accidents would happen.” Apple Fritter said.