Chapter 5 – Fear
Bella trotted along the road, humming to herself. Everywhere she looked, light and happiness sparkled. Birds sang to her up above, and little yellow daisies smiled at her from below, wafting their beautiful, delicate scent to her.
All around her, ponies went about their business, crisscrossing in all directions.
She smiled and waved at them all.
Through the market, she could barely stop herself from begging at the shops. They all looked amazing and they smelled fantastic. The sweet shops smelled sweeter than ever before, sweeter than anything possibly could. And when she passed the bubbling hay fries booth, the intoxicating power of it nearly knocked her down. Even though she'd had a huge breakfast, her mouth still watered.
But she needed to get to school on time. She hurried through the market and out the other side. It would only be a couple blocks farther to school.
Bella stopped in her tracks when she saw who was waiting for her at the corner of Stirrup Street.
As soon as Bella stopped, Vinyl looked up, straight at her, the mid-morning sun glinting off of her glasses.
Bella stared right back. “What do you want?”
Walking up to her, Vinyl looked away for a moment, then back at her. “About last night...”
“What about it? You don't care about me.”
A few of the ponies walking by turned their heads to look. Vinyl cringed away from them. She leaned in closer. “I do care,” she said in a harsh whisper.
She did bring me home safe... Rolling her eyes dramatically, Bella turned away and flicked her tail in Vinyl's face. It didn't matter. She'd give these ponies a show.
Vinyl came around beside her. “What were you on?”
“I was on smack!” Bella made the word a weapon, making sure to yell it loud enough for all the ponies around to hear.
“Dreamflower? That stuff will mess you up – even I won't touch it!”
“I don't care.” Bella turned again and began stomping her way to school. “Maybe if I had a real mom around, that wouldn't happen!”
“But Bella, that doesn't mean you should take it out on yourself!” Vinyl hurried along beside her. “And... And the sex!”
“I can do whatever and whoever I want! You have no right to stop me. You abandoned me!” Bella turned her head away. Her eyes were burning. Vinyl couldn't be allowed to see that.
“You didn't even use protection! You could be pregnant right now!”
Bella waved her away with a hoof. She didn't trust herself to speak at the moment.
“Really – it happened to me once!”
Bella stopped with a single extra-hard stomp. “Get lost, Not-Mom. I don't need your help! Leave me alone!” She stuck her nose high in the air and turned away. Her traitorous eyes blurred again. “That's what you're best at!”
“Bella...”
Bella strutted away, her nose and tail held high.
Behind her, Vinyl took one step to follow, then stopped, staring down at the road.
Bella kept going on her way to school, feeling pleased with herself... or trying to.
She should have reveled in how bad Vinyl looked in front of those ponies, basked in how she'd finally been able to tell off the deadbeat mother who abandoned her.
But a tiny black cloud swirled around inside her head. Guilt. Guilt ... and something else ... fear. 'You could be pregnant right now.'
She shook her head. No, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to enjoy my victory and enjoy this wonderful day and... 'You could be pregnant right now!'
The school waited just ahead. She could see the front doors now, inside the yard.
'You could be pregnant right now!' Bella grimaced. The air around her felt hotter than it should have. She could skip school for another day. I need a pregnancy test, right now.
She spotted Silver Spoon in the schoolyard, looking at her. Silver Platter stood there with her; he must have walked her to school.
Bella noticed the way Silver held her back legs tight together and her head low. She knew what that meant.
'You could be pregnant right now!' Bella winced and turned away. Spoony will forgive me – I need that test right now!
⁂
The doors of Ponyville General Hospital slid open in front of Bella, and she walked in, barely able to keep her legs from twitching. The need to know crashed against her sudden nervousness at actually telling somepony. She had never been here alone before.
A nurse looked down on her from a tall counter. She plucked a pen from a vase full of plastic flowers and smiled. “Who are you here to see, Miss?”
Bella bit her lip. This didn't sound like such a great idea anymore. “I, um, I don't have an appointment.”
The nurse put her pen down. “Oh. Is it an emergency?”
“Maybe sort of?”
“Oh dear.” She picked up the pen again. “What's the matter?”
Bella sighed. This wasn't going to be easy ... but she had to know. “I...” She stepped up close to the counter so she could whisper it. “I need a pregnancy test.”
“Oh.” The nurse's eyes opened wide, and she covered her mouth with a hoof. “Oh my. Aren't you rather young for that?”
Bella shrank down even more. “It's, um, kind of urgent.”
“That's not exactly his specialty, but Doctor Heartstitch had a cancellation for his eight forty-five.” She smiled reassuringly. “I'll write you in. Your full name, please?”
“Bella Heart Rave. Thank you.”
“Date of birth?”
“Neighvember Third, Twelve Ninety-two.”
“The waiting room is just around the corner to your left. They'll call your name when it's time.” The nurse scribbled something down on a timetable behind her, then looked back at Bella. “Good luck. I hope you get the result you're looking for.”
Bella couldn't reply. She only wanted to hide. Hurrying around the corner, she walked through a wide hallway and into a long room filled with chairs and a few dusty potted plants.
She hurried to a nearby chair and hopped into it. The thin, plasticy cushion crinkled under her, and the metal slats of the backrest were too narrow to be comfortable, but she settled in. The last thing she wanted right now was to draw attention.
A few other ponies dotted the chairs around the room, most of them elderly. They all sat in ones and twos, and none of them talked to each other. Only the occasional coughing fit from an old grey stallion in the opposite corner broke the quiet.
Bella picked up a magazine from the chair next to her. Healthy Foal. She cringed. Not her kind of reading, but she needed something better to do than staring at the smooth white walls ... or at least she wanted to pretend she had something better to do.
She leafed through it, looking at the pictures and not actually reading anything. It all blurred together into a drab monotony.
Doors burst open on the far side of the room, and two mares rushed in, carrying a moaning stallion on their backs. His left rear leg was bent completely backward.
They shot out through the arch behind Bella as quickly as they'd come in.
The other ponies in the waiting room looked up at them for a moment, staring at the archway. Before long, though, the quiet returned and they shrank back into their own little worlds.
Bella did, too, going back to her magazine, back to its idealized photos of happy baby ponies. She caught herself rubbing her belly with a hoof, then stopped. No. I won't be silly. I'm not pregnant. She looked down at herself, letting the magazine droop. I... only need to the test to make sure. Yeah.
“Miss Rave?”
Bella had to turn all the way around in her chair to see the nurse who called her. It was a different one, with a pale blue coat.
She looked back down at a clipboard in her hooves. “Bella Heart Rave?”
Standing up, Bella put the magazine down on the chair next to her. “That's me.”
“Doctor Heartstitch is ready to see you now. Please follow me.”
Bella followed the nurse across the lobby and through a wide doorway. It led into a long, bare hall with railings on both sides. Behind closed doors, machines beeped and the dry air reeked with a chemical tang.
The nurse led her into a tiny exam room with a stool and a paper-covered bed. She gestured to the bed. “Have a seat – he'll be here in just a moment.” She glanced down at her clipboard. “It looks like you should be covered for this under Lunacare, and there's no copay since it's coded as preventative. Now, let me just take down your vitals...”
As soon as Bella sat down on the stiff cushion, the nurse wrapped a cuff around Bella's left foreleg and pumped it up, checking a little dial on it as she did. She soon ripped it off and shoved a thermometer into Bella's mouth.
Bella stared down at it, cross-eyed. She'd accepted it automatically, but now it felt a little uncomfortable.
The nurse soon pulled it out. “One twenty-one over seventy-two. Thirty-six beats per minute, and ninety-nine point eight degrees. All perfectly normal.” She turned for the door. “Okay, just wait here. Doctor Heartstitch will be just a moment.” She left, shutting the door behind her without waiting for a response.
Bella looked around her. Every wall had posters of different views of pony hearts. The little counter on the other side of the room had a realistic plastic heart with cutaway pieces removed.
Not his specialty. Right. She swung her legs from the edge of the table. She felt silly now, all alone in this little room. I'm sure I'm worrying about nothing, right? It wasn't really that urgent, was it? Maybe I should have waited until—
A big yellow stallion with a wavy brown mane walked in. He had a heart with a jumping line running through it for a cutie mark. “Good morning, Miss Rave. I'm Doctor Heartstitch.”
Bella glanced away. “Hi.”
The nurse followed in, carefully carrying a small, shallow bowl of water and setting it down on the counter next to the plastic heart.
“So,” the Doctor asked, “I understand you're here for a pregnancy test, is that right?”
Bella nodded. It now felt very stuffy in the little exam room.
“Alright then.” He levitated up a blue clipboard. “Let's run through the risks questionnaire.”
Bella winced.
“How many sexual partners have you had in the past month?”
“Three.”
He glanced up at her over the clipboard, but quickly went back to it, scribbling something in. “And now many over your lifetime?”
“Um...” Bella cringed. There were those two... and him... and the other night... “Eight, I think... No, wait. Nine.”
He raised an eyebrow, but he didn't look up. The nurse was staring at her.
Glancing at the door, Bella fidgeted. She didn't like what some of these answers implied about her.
“And do you engage in vaginal intercourse?”
“Yes.”
“Anal intercourse?”
“No!”
“Oral intercourse?”
“Um, yes.”
He scribbled down a few more answers. “And how often do you use protection during intercourse?”
“Um, sometimes?” Bella squirmed under his piercing eye. “A couple times.”
He nodded, setting the clipboard down on the counter. “Based on these answers, I'm definitely going to recommend a test for sexually transmitted diseases as well. We'll need to draw some blood.”
Bella's skin crawled. “Do I really—?”
“I insist. And I have a trauma patient being prepped for surgery right now, so there's no time to argue about it.”
She sighed. “Okay.”
The nurse dug into one of the cabinets on the far wall and pulled out a syringe wrapped in plastic.
Doctor Heartstitch took it up in his magic, ripping the bag off of it. He took a little patch of gauze from his nurse and dabbed Bella's neck with it. “Now hold still for a moment. This won't take long.”
Bella flinched as the needle slid into the cold patch of fur left by the damp gauze.
In a moment, the Doctor's magic pulled it away and pressed a new patch of gauze onto the tiny hole, taping it in place. He passed the syringe off to his nurse, who pulled the needle out of it and stuffed it into a new bag.
As the nurse walked out, Doctor Heartstitch used his magic to pull a small plastic-paged book out of the cabinet. “Now, you'll be contacted within three weeks if anything shows up in the blood test. Be sure to come back right away if you experience any symptoms.” He flipped through the book's pages. “Now ... pregnancy test ... pregnancy test... Ah! There it is.”
Bella gulped. Here it comes.
He levitated the bowl of water to her. “Okay. I'll need a hair from your tail.”
She reached back to pluck one, but his magic beat her to it. She yelped.
Muttering something as he read the book closely, he dropped her tail hair into the bowl of water.
His horn glowed brighter, and an image formed on the water, like a reflection, but what it showed couldn't be reflecting from anywhere in the room. There was a big clump of cells stuck to the side of something. As she watched, a few of them split in two.
“Ah, I see. Well then...” The Doctor flipped a couple pages in the book and muttered something else. His horn glowed bright yellow, and the water turned blue. “Mm. A colt then.”
Bella gasped. “A what?”
He shook his head, setting the bowl aside. “Well ... congratulations, Miss Rave. You have a young colt on the way.”
She slumped down. It felt like something was grabbing and tearing at her insides. No way... I can't be... She gulped, swaying forward. The room spun. I can't be pregnant. “Do the test over again!”
The Doctor stared at her, pursing his lips.
Her mind raced, but only in circles. It kept grasping at everything, but nothing felt solid. It all slipped away before she could really think it. Finally, though, something stuck. “Can we get rid of it?”
He frowned. “If that's what you really want ... but at your age, we'll need parental consent for any invasive procedures.” He glanced down at his clipboard, then looked her in the eyes. “And this isn't the time for rash decisions. At this early stage, you can easily wait a few weeks without complicating the procedure. Talk to your friends and your family. Think it over carefully.”
Bella nodded vacantly. Her eyes were still open wide. How could this happen? Stupid. She knew exactly how it happened. It's all Vinyl's fault. If she hadn't been so—
“Doctor Heartstitch?” The blue nurse poked her head in. “He's nearly ready. We need you to get prepped.”
“Ah. Right.” He turned to leave. “Whatever you decide, Miss Rave, think it through carefully, and if you decide to keep it, make sure to come in for prenatal checkups. Nurse Tenderheart, could you show Miss Rave the way out please?”
“Of course.” The nurse waved Bella over. “If you'll follow me, please?”
Bella followed her out in a daze.
She stepped out through the hospital's sliding doors and stood there for a long time, staring straight ahead, seeing nothing. Her thoughts raced, but her hooves were planted in one spot. Goddess no! How am I going to explain this? I can't be pregnant!
Eventually, she noticed a couple ponies looking at her.
She started walking. That's what normal ponies did – they walked from one place to another. They thought about things and talked about things.
Bella didn't feel like a normal pony.
Somehow, nothing was real, especially herself. She could feel sprigs of grass crushing under her hooves; she could smell every flower, even the earthy scent of the sun-warmed road... but it was all floating by her as if in a dream.
So, I'm ... pregnant, I guess. That idea, especially, baffled her. She'd seen it. She trusted the Doctor, but it couldn't be real.
She carefully stepped over a small line of ants in the road. She'd normally never notice such a thing... but it wasn't real, so it made sense.
One thing was real. One sensation growing in her. It was subtle at first; she was sure she was only imagining it. But it kept growing on her mind. It seemed like it was the one real part of her, the core of her being: she could feel that little foal deep inside of her. It radiated out its warmth and pressure, spreading its certainty out through her, to the very tips of her.
I'm only imagining it, of course. I can't really feel it ... yet. But it was the only thing that did feel horrifyingly real and solid. Everything else felt hollow, a flimsy masquerade that could collapse at any moment. My life is over.
Tiny butterflies flitted past her feet for a moment, stopping on little clover flowers and rising up again, drifting along in the breeze. It blew through Bella's mane, drifting a few red hairs into her face.
She watched the butterflies drift away. Winter will be here soon. They won't live much longer. She blinked. It's strange, having red hair. It didn't really seem like her hair ... just hair. Then again, her hooves didn't seem to be her own, either. She watched them through the windows of her eyes, a stranger looking out from a strange house ... with a new guest inside.
A jangling bell trilled ahead.
She looked up. The schoolyard sprawled just ahead of her. Young ponies poured out of it, to the outside picnic tables, enjoying one of the last nice days of the year before the weather patrol turned things nasty.
A certain grey mare walked out, holding a tray in one hoof.
Reality snapped back to Bella with a jolt. She smiled, feeling warmer than the weather should have allowed. Spoony will know what to do. She's always great whenever there's a problem. Breaking into a lope, she hurried over.
As soon as Silver saw Bella, she dropped her tray on the table and ran to meet her. She latched on, hugging Bella fiercely and trembling a little.
Bella let Silver squeeze, enjoying the feeling of being pressed against her lover. Everything would be okay now.
Still holding on, Silver leaned back. Her eyes narrowed, though the blackened one was still swollen. “Where did you go, Bella? I needed you!”
“Was it your dad again?” Bella blinked. Her own voice sounded strange to her, like it did when she heard a recording of it once. It sounded awful.
Silver squeezed Bella tighter, burying her nose in between Bella's neck and mane.
Bella could feel the slight sobs and the moisture on her neck. She let Silver have her cry. I'm sure she needs it. I don't even want to think about going through what she deals with.
They stayed that way for a long time, oblivious to the other school ponies around. Silver's lunch sat on the table, forgotten and abandoned. There were things more important than food right now, Bella knew.
Finally, Silver seemed to calm down some. She pulled back and wiped her eyes. “Thank you,” she said with a sweet, longing smile.
Bella kissed her on the nose.
Silver's smile grew and warmed. “Where did you go?”
“To the hospital.”
Silver leaned farther back. “Why, are you sick? Was that why you skipped school yesterday?”
“No, actually, I'm pregnant! I just found out... I'm wondering if I should keep it or not. Should I?”
“What?” Silver stared at her, sputtering. Her eyes watered and her head kept shaking back and forth slightly. Finally, she jumped back and shoved Bella away. “You... You cheated on me?”
Oh. Bella's chest clenched and her eyes shot open wide. Oh no. “I, uh...” Of course Silver took it like that. I should have known she would. I should have never... She cringed away from Silver's glare. “It wasn't like that.”
“Bella!”
It burned. She knew she'd hurt Silver ... maybe hurt her worse than her dad did. “I'm sorry, Spoony... I just... I...”
“I had fantasized about us having a family one day,” Silver murmured, “but not like this. Not this way.” Darker grey streaks spread under her eyes. “Bella, how could you?”
“I was on Dreamflower, and it was just...” She knew Silver wouldn't understand why she'd done it. There was no use saying it. “I—”
“No...” Silver collapsed a little and cringed.
Bella's own eyes watered now, and her hooves trembled. She had to fix this – there had to be something she could say that would change Silver's mind. “Spoony, I—”
“I can't stay with a cheater.” It was barely more than a whisper, but it sliced through all of Bella's pretensions.
Why won't she understand? I'm in a bad place right now, and it's not my fault – I need help, not... this! Bella stomped a hoof. A few tears squeezed out of her eyes. “It's not like you don't cheat! You do it with him all the time!” Bella froze. I shouldn't have said—
Silver's hoof slapped into Bella's face, leaving a burning welt. “How dare you? Go away! I never want to see you again!”
Bella rubbed her face. “But I...”
Tears streamed out of Silver's rage-filled eyes. Her lips trembled and her ears pinned tightly back. She raised her hoof again.
Bella ran.
She galloped away, sprinting faster than she ever had. Soon her lungs burned and her legs ached. But she could still feel the welt from Silver's hoof.
And where did she learn to respond that way? Bella shook her head as she ran, trying to fling away that thought like the tears dripping away. And I'm the one responsible for it. I'm the one who made her follow in his hoofsteps.
She burst in through the back door of her house.
Her mom stood inside the kitchen, pulling a fragrant tray of cookies from the oven.
Bella blew past her without the slightest acknowledgment.
“Bella? What's wrong?” Lemon watched her blow by, her brows knitting.
Bella ran up the stairs and didn't stop until she reached her room. She slammed the door and locked it, then threw herself on the bed. It creaked and bounced before enfolding her in its safe, comforting embrace.
She flopped on her side, panting. Her legs were stiff and her back felt tight – her whole body boiled with the frantic need to do something. But what could she do?
She needed Silver to hold her, to cuddle close and help her relax like she'd done so many times before, but that was exactly the problem: Silver was gone. Totally gone.
I need my Spoony! The reality of it hit her like a kick in the stomach. Bella thought she might throw up. She's gone. And it's all my fault. It twisted deep inside of her, squeezing the breath out of her. I shouldn't have said that. Goddess, why did I say that?
It was the worst part, of course, that terrible last thing she'd said to Silver, 'It's not like you don't cheat! You do it with him all the time!' Bella could still see the shock and pain on Silver's face. She was right to slap me. The side of her face burned. I deserve worse.
Her insides twisted all over again at the thought of what she'd really done. Now I've made her follow in her father's hoofsteps. She gritted her teeth together and curled up, wishing again that her Silver could be there to hold her. I've ruined Spoony's life. We had something good, and I ruined it. And all for nothing.
She touched her belly with a hoof. Not nothing... What am I going to do with that? It was way too early for her to be able to feel any different, but she kept rubbing her lower belly, thinking about the little pony growing inside. Can I kill it? What will Mom say about that?
Rolling over, she tugged her curtains closed. The sunshine outside was only mocking her. Goddess damn it! Why did I have to say that? Maybe one day Silver would forgive the cheating ... but Bella knew she'd never be forgiven for those stupid words.
She rolled back over, but every position was uncomfortable, every wrinkle in the blankets chafed her, and nervous need for a solution still jittered through every joint and muscle.
It was going to be a long day.