Night Light looked up at the sound of the bedroom door opening. His wife of 33 years, Twilight Velvet, blushing like a schoolfilly on her first date, kicked the door shut lightly, and walked past him into the master bath suite.
“Your daughter needs to speak with you.” Velvets voice warbled with barely contained mirth from the bathroom.
Night Light scratched his head and glanced back at the detailed scale model he had been working on. “Why is she suddenly my daughter? Does she need me to post bail?” His wife didn’t answer him, so Night Light turned slowly back to the model and picked up the toothpick he was using to apply the paint to the 1:32nd scale cannons along the aft of the warship.
He wiped the tip off on the clearing cloth and dipped it into the paint again. He was just about to apply it when Velvet stuck her head out from the bathroom.
“What are you waiting on? Go talk to her!”
“Does it have to be me? Sundays are the only ‘me time’ I get!” Night Light groaned and looked back at his wife. He paled under her gaze and for a moment, he felt like arguing the point, but he also didn’t want to sleep on the couch again. He sighed with resignation and put down the toothpick again. “Is she in the living room? Or her old room?”
“Bedroom.” Came his wife’s bubbly reply from the bathroom again. “I’m not touching this one.”
This is going to be a doozy, Night Light. Your little princess does not have normal pony problems. He shook his head and exited his and Velvet’s room and turned down the hall. He pasted the study, which used to be Shining’s room, and took the narrow set of stairs that led to the attic and his daughter’s bedroom.
He paused just outside the door and mentally gathered himself for whatever his wife was running from. He raised a hoof, and knocked softly. “Twi? You in there, sweetie?”
“Yeah, dad.” His daughter’s muffled voice sounded disappointed. Or brokenhearted, he thought.
“Can I come in? Your mother sent me.” He heard Twilight sniffle and then the doorknob turned and the door opened. The room was just as he had seen it last, if less dusty and filled with 100% more Twilight Sparkle. He wove his way between the stacks of old books and boardgames, to reach the bed where she was laying on her side, all six limbs wrapped around one of the pillows.
Night Light smiled his best ‘Daddy-will-make-it-all-better’ smile at Twilight and took a seat on the end of the bed. It creaked under his weight. “So, what’s wrong? Your mother didn’t give me much to work with before sending me up.” He patted her ankle. “I didn’t even hear you come in. I’ve been working on my model of the HMS Eclipse. You should take a look at it while you’re here. I’ve even gotten all the battle scarring painted now.”
Twilight sniffled again and glanced at him but kept her face buried in the pillow’s downy embrace. “Really?” Her voice was muffled when she spoke. “Even the burns from the broadsiding it took at the Battle of Cloudapolis?”
Night Light nodded smugly. “Photo-accurate too.”
Twilight blinked and raised her head. He could see tear streaks running down her cheeks and a redness around the edges of her eyes, but Twilight did seem genuinely interested. “That’s cool, dad.”
“Thank you. Now,” Night Light leaned closer to his daughter. “tell me what the problem is, sweetie.”
Twilight turned away and let her head sag into her cuddle-substitute. “It’s embarrassing, dad.”
“You sounded sad. I was worried you might be heartbroken over some colt.” Twilight pushed her face deeper into the folds of the pillow. Night Light blanched and cleared his throat. “I mean...you’re not, right? Am I going to have to beat somepony up? I’m not as young as I once was, Twi.”
Twilight crushed the pillow in her grip and her body shook with a sob. Or was that a...laugh? Night Light scratched his head. If it was Shining, I’d know the full story by now. Why did Velvet have to make Twilight my daughter this time?
His daughter shook her head again and finally lifted her head. He could tell she was thinking, doing just as he’s done before entering the room and mentally preparing herself for something difficult. She might have his wife’s muzzle and eyes, but she was his daughter, through and through.
Twilight bit her lip, pushing the pillow away, and rolled up into a sitting position. She shot him a glance and whisper. “I not heartbroken over some colt, dad. I need...I need the talk you gave Shining.”
Night Light blinked in confusion. “What? What talk? I haven’t spoken to your brother in almost a month now.”
“No, dad, I need…The Talk. Like the one you must have given to Shining when he started dating.” Twilight crumpled the blanket between her front hooves. He could see she was still working through whatever was embarrassing her. “I need you to talk to me like I’m a colt.”
“Uh…” Night Light blinked again. Not normal pony problems, a voice inside his head reminded him. “Um...ok? The Talk…”
He coughed and racked his mind over for the memories of that awkward conversation with his son from years past and the similar one he’d had with his own father decades before that. He hadn’t really been planning on having it a third time. Twilight nodded at him, her face brightening as he recentered himself.
“Well, sweetie…” Night Light grinned nervously. “I don’t want to get your hopes up, but the colt version of The Talk is pretty short. Basically, I told your brother to be careful who or what he put his stallion bits into. And that any foals he made, intentionally or otherwise, were his responsibility.”
Twilight groaned and seemed to deflate, sinking onto her belly on the bed and covering her face with her hooves. “Oh, c’mon! You mean there’s no instructions? No step by step diagrams of the how-to stick the stallion bits into things? What about hygiene? Maintenance? Troubleshooting?”
Night Light rocked back on the bed away from his daughter. “Er...no. You wash it with soap and warm water...try not to crush it or the boys - though some stallions like that sorta thing, which I never understood - that’s about it.” He gulped. “Why do you want to know that stuff? Surely there’s a book you could read about it?”
“Not the kind that I’d keep in my library!” Twilight huffed, blowing a stray strand of her mane out of her face. “All of my friends are mares, dad...I was too chicken to ask Shining and I’d die before I asked Spike! So...I asked mom. I thought, as an older mare with experience raising foals, she’d know some of this. But no! She had to pass the bit to you, and now here we are!”
Night Light scratched his head and sat there quietly. He still understand where this was coming from, or why Twilight needed a male perspective on normal use of a penis. “Um...why don’t you tell me why we’re having this conversation, Twilight. I might be your father, but I am still a stallion myself and sometimes we need things spelled out for us, or we end up sticking our hooves in our mouths and before you know it, we’re sleeping on the couch again and don’t know why.”
Twilight buried her face again and groaned in the same way her mother did when she thought he was supposed to understand her vague, indirect explanation of why she might potentially be mad at him for some minor- and in his opinion, pointless - infraction. She looked up again a moment later and frowned in that same unhappy and kinda angry way Velvet did after that kind of groan. It was uncanny.
“Dad, I need to know how a colt takes care of his dick because I idiotically cast a spell that I did not fully understand on myself.” Twilight flushed and sat up, spreading her legs apart to give him a full view down her body. “And now, I have my own dick until I can find a counterspell.”
Night Light felt his gaze being tugged inexorably toward Twilight’s exposed crotch. Just as she claimed, a purple phallus stood there proudly.
“I need to know what to do, dad, because it’s been hard for more than four hours now, and I think that’s a bad thing!”
Night Light nodded, slipping off the bed and took a step back. “Uh, that is a bad thing. The erection part, not you having a penis! You’ll always be my little girl, Twi.” He chuckled nervously. “Is a bad thing that I’m relieved it’s not bigger than mine?”
Twilight glared at him for a moment and then started to giggle and smile. She wiped her eyes with a hoof and closed her legs to hide away her new body part. “Oh goddess, daddy...that’s TMI...but no, not a bad thing.”
Night Light sighed and relaxed slightly. “Ok then. Let’s see about doing something with your...um...issue. Have you been this way since the spell was cast?” He gestured vaguely at Twilight’s lower body. “Hard, I mean.”
She shook her head. “No. I mean it started a little more than four hours ago. I miscast the spell late yesterday evening.”
“What were you doing four hours ago?”
Twilight looked away from him, her cheeks flushing again. “Um...I was with the girls at Vinyl Scratch rave party. Pinkie wanted to take notes on the execution and glow sticks...I think. Everything was fine until we were invited backstage to meet with Vinyl - I mean, I’ve already met her, she was at the wedding - and well, Pinkie took off to inspect the stage rigging and everypony else ran after her, except me. I was...alone...with Vinyl in her dressing room, discussing how she uses her magic to enhance her DJ skills and the music. It got really hot for some reason and Vinyl took off her glasses - she had really pretty eyes - and we got to talking about other things and then this just sorta popped up and I had to leave. It’s been that way ever since. I keep trying to think of a way to fix it and I keep getting interrupted by all these thoughts about Vinyl. The way she’s passionate for what she does, the way she looked up on stage, the way that thumping, rhythmic bass line made her flank shake.”
Night Light shook his head slowly. “Twilight...that’s...normal, I guess? I’m not one for techno, personally, but I know what it’s like when those flanks start shaking. I’m not a medical professional, but you might want to go see this mare again. She might be able to help out the old fashion way.”
Twilight, always the bright one, stared at him blankly for a long moment. Her eyes widened, her jaw falling open when realization of what her father was suggesting hit her. “I...dad...I, but she’s...we’re both...I...uh…” Twilight coughed. “Yeah...now that you mention that...that’s an avenue worth exploring.”
“Might as well try that first. If it doesn’t work, then we take you the hospital.” Night Light grinned.
Twilight nodded, more to herself than his advice, and climbed down off her bed. “I think I’ll go see Vinyl again...yeah.”
He patted Twilight on the shoulder and turned with her toward the door. “Oh, and a point on technique, sweetie? When you mount up, use a downward angled trust, or you might be in real trouble. I’m speaking from personal experience here. Unless this mare is into that, but you’ll want ask about that first, it’s the polite thing to do.”