Chapter One
It was a beautiful day in Equestria. The sun was shining, ponies were playing, and as the clocks all chimed one in the afternoon, Sweetie Belle began to turn the page in her book. Suddenly she noticed something. A frown forming on her face as she looked up.
"Hey you, that’s creepy. Stop narrating," she called out. "I am not gonna be in your creepy ship fic," her eyes narrowing as she stared at the source of the disembodied voice, anger rising.
Well why not? It‘s not going to have any smut in it. Honestly, it's kinda sweet and between you and Spi-
"NO!" she yelled, rudely interrupting the narrator who had good intentions. "I refuse to have someone dictate my day. And Spike? Really? He's nice and all but for a ship fic? Go find someone else for it."
But who? the narrator asked. Sadness edging into his voice as he realized all the effort he was going to put in the story was wasted. All he wanted to do was make ponies happy. Sweetie's head lowered a bit as she realized what he had narrated. The frown turning from angry to sad.
"Well, maybe we can find you someone to ship then. Someone who wants to be shipped. Then you can write a story but leave me out of it."
If only she could see the smile on the narrator's face. With that he put away his scribblings that was his Sweetie Belle ship fic. Helping her out, he continued going. The book she was about to read put up and her chores for the day instantly done as if by magic. For that is the power of a narrator. And thus she was ready to help him find a ship fic.
______
Sweetie hid in the bushes. Her eyes peering out on the first pony she could think of. Big Mac. The large, red stallion was taking a break. Exhausted from the work of bucking apples, he’d gone for a drink.
"How about him? He's super nice and doesn't have any pony. He'd be great to ship."
I guess. The narrator said as he looked the colt over. But he's so quiet. Who would I ship him with?
Sweetie began to tap her head and think as Applejack walked up to Big Mac, giving him a pat on the back. It was then that Spitfire flew overhead and Sweetie started smiling as she could see the narrators handy work.
Then, just as it looked like Spitfire might land and start a relationship with Big Mac, both Applejack and Big Mac's eyes went wide and began to stare at Sweetie Belle.
"Uh, Sweetie Belle? Please tell me you’re talking to yourself in funny voices," Applejack asked as she started to become more aware of the odd feeling that everything she did was being read off a page.
"No..." Sweetie answered as her narrator friend stayed quiet.
"Oh um... well uh..." Big Mac began looking around nervously, as his sister went on, a worried look on her face. "Well then, you're talking to a friend right?"
Sweetie shook her head no as Big Mac finally realized what was going on and began to stare directly at the non existent source of narration. Biting his lower lip he pointed at it.
"NARRATOR!" Applejack screamed.
"What, oh no..." Spitfire thought as she changed course mid flight, heading to the closest princess, Twilight. "I have to reach her before something grim or dark happens!"
Applejack too began to soar through the air, her hat hitting the ground mid stride. "Go for the gun, I'll grab Sweetie!" she shouted. The reassuring "Eyyyuup" that came out of Big Mac's mouth was followed by the sound of hoofs as he ran to the house.
Now hold on for just a minute. The narrator chimed in annoyed, but to no avail. Applejack had already picked Sweetie up onto her back. Her hoofs carrying her as fast as they could toward her barn. Her voice was fast and frantic.
"Are you OK? He didn’t hurt you? Didn’t make you fall in love or do anything bad di-"
"Applejack he's not like that. Hes a nice pony."
Applejack reached out, grabbed the barn door and slammed it behind them. "There’s no such thing as a nice narrator Sweetie," she went on finally relaxing as she failed to realize narrators were omnipresent and unphased by things such as barn doors.
"You mean you guys can pass through walls and stuff?" Sweetie asked the narrator.
Of course. We can see everything.
"Cool." she replied.
"Sweetie, stop talking to him. If he's one of them there grimdark ones, he'll make you do really bad things. And if he's a shipper he'll make you do things. Like kiss rainbow maned ponies no matter how much you tell them that you’re just friends!" Applejack rubbed her arm as she sat down, angrily looking into space as she leaned back on a bale of hay.
"Is that true Mr. Narrator?" Sweetie asked, a frown on her face.
I’ve never made anyo-
"You liar! Stop making me kiss Rainbow Dash!" Applejack yelled out, shaking her hoof.
"Yeah, and stop making her kiss Rarity too!" Sweetie yelled out.
"Ummm... uh... yeah…" she stuttered as her face went red as an apple. "I guess... sorta... that stuff too. You saw that Sweetie Belle?"
"Yeah, but I thought you liked it so I didn’t say anything."
"Well I... you... you shouldn't be spying on your sister like that." Applejack replied as she looked down, face still flush.
"But it was hard not too. There was a lot of noise and you two looked like you were wrest-"
"SWEETIE BELL, GO UPSTAIRS TO YOUR ROOM!"
"But I don’t live here."
"GO UPSTAIRS TO APPLEBLOOM'S ROOM!"
"But we're in a barn."
"JUST GO UPSTAIRS!"
The narrator could only roll his eyes.
Ladies look, all I want to do is write a ship fic. Look around. Nothing bad has happened, no one is being forced. I just want to write about two ponies falling in love. Nothing wrong with that, is there?
Applejack stood back up, happy to no longer be talking about her love life with Rarity.
"But I thought that was forced?"
"Hush up Sweetie Belle." Apple jack responded.
She scanned the room a few times, even climbed to the hay loft. Nothing was out of place. As she looked out the window to make sure everything was OK, she spotted Big Mac. Her hoof going in the air to wave to him.
Big Mac waved back.
"I think he might be OK!" Applejack shouted down to him. "At least he hasn't done anything yet. We might be safe."
Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow but just nodded. Holding the shotgun close, he slowly walked back towards the house as Applejack turned back to Sweetie. "You sure you can trust him sugarcube?"
Sweetie nodded as Applejack went to the door, opening it and looking back towards the source of the narration. "Just don’t let your guard down. And Mr "Narrator", none of us here want to be in any ship fics of yours. We go through three a day and most are terrible, you just take your evil somewhere else."
With a happy wave, Sweetie Belle and the narrator left. Applejack suddenly stepped on a tack for being so mean to the guy who controls their world, while Sweetie found a five bit piece on the ground on the way to town for being so nice.
______
Sweetie walked along, humming a bit as she went.
"Hey Mr Narrator, why don’t we go try the middle of town? There’s lots of ponies there," Sweetie said as she looked at the source of the narration. But just as the narrator was about to agree, she ran right into something. She looked up to discover it was Bon Bon.
"Hello there Sweetie Belle, what are you doing today?" the cream colored mare asked. Sweetie gave a big smile as she answered. "I’m looking for someone the narrator can ship. Can we ship you with a stallion?"
Bon Bon looked down at her with a nervous smile.
"That’s very nice of you to offer but I’m already happily shipped," she said as she gave the filly a pat on the head. Sweetie's eyes lit up as the narrator tried to contain a snicker.
"Oh? That’s so awesome. Is he sweet or nice? Do I know him? Is he handsome? Do I know him?" her energy seemed to pick up as Bon Bon motioned her to walk with her.
"Well Sweetie..." she hesitated. A bit unsure if the filly would understand. "It's Lyra."
Sweetie looked at her for a sort while. "You mean Lyra is jealous?" she asked as Bon Bon let out a sigh.
"Are you serious?" she asked before looking at the narrator with an upset look on her face. "Are you really going to make it this difficult?" she asked him before turning back to Sweetie. "He hasn’t told you anything?" her dismay growing as Sweetie shook her head. "Well Hun... you see, a grown pony can love whoever she likes."
Sweetie just blinked again. "Is he a Griffon?"
Bon Bon shook her head again. "No, it's a she. I’m in love with Lyra."
Sweetie stared for a bit, head cocking to the side. "Crazy about hands Lyra?"
"Yes OK, crazy about hands! Can we get past that!?"
"But you're both mares..."
"Well Sweetie, sometimes mares love each other. And then they hug and cuddle an-"
"And talk about hands?"
"CAN YOU DROP THE HANDS THING!?"
Sweetie recoiled a bit. The narrator gave her a reassuring pat on the back.
Should I tell her the rest Bon Bon? He asked, trying to be helpful.
"I'll tell her. I’m the lesbian so I get to explain it because every time straight people do it they make us sound weird."
OK, OK... The narrator said as he backed away from the subject, scared of what she might do to him.
"So Sweetie Belle, have you ever seen a mare and a stallion hug and kiss?"
Sweetie thought for a second, then nodded her head. "Yes." she said pleased with herself.
"Well, it was because they loved each other. Have you ever seen two mares hug and kiss?"
Once again Sweetie nodded. "Yeah, my sister and Applejack." she replied just as happily.
BonBon seemed to look at her with a loss for words. She cleared her throat as she went on. "Well, that is a bit odd considering how she talks about colts all the time but still, that’s because they lo-"
"Do mares and stallions also wrestle in bed too?"
"Do they wrestle?"
"Yeah, like Applejack and my big sister? I think Applejack was winning, she was on top."
Bon Bon was shocked, her cheeks flushing red as she stared at the filly and walked right into a tree in the path.
"Are you OK?" Sweetie asked as Bon Bon got back up, brushing herself off before pointing a hoof unfairly at the narrator.
"YOU PERVERT!" she yelled. "What kind of narrator tells a story like that?" her angry hoofs forming a fist as she went about the highly ill advised business of threatening the all powerful voice.
"All powerful my flank!" she shouted as she lunged at the narrator. His narration becoming much more difficult as she tried to pummel him. Every word became harder to type as she bruised his arm like the unreasonable pony she was.
Sweetie Belle could only stand and stare as Bon Bon seemed to try and strangle air. Her friend rolled in the dirt. She wasn’t sure what to think and as she watched decided to slowly walk away.
Honestly, it was a very ingenious way to get out of that. Because as the story went with her, so would the narration, leaving that stupid violent earth pony to kick air. As she walked, the narrator made sure that Bon Bon would also later step on a tack.
______
It was midday when Sweetie Belle arrived in the center of Ponyville. The day was still pleasant but the town seemed a bit empty. Only a tumble weed rolled past as Sweetie Belle looked around. She spotted Sugar Cube Corner off in the distance and started trotting towards it.
When suddenly, a whoosh!
Sweetie found herself grabbed, Rainbow Dash holding her as she was dragged into the closest building. "NOW!" Rainbow Dash screamed as the windows of the building she flew into opened up. Unicorns almost all at once opened up with a barrage of magic fire on the source of narration.
"Don’t let up! We can take down this monster!" Rainbow Dash screamed from inside the building, surrounded by brave resistance fighters, hurting the feelings of the narrator. It was just at that moment that Pinkie Pie bounced in.
"Oh Pinkie, thank Celestia you're here. You can break the fourth wall. We can distract him, then you can break in-"
"Sorry Dashy, no can do!"
The rainbow mare suddenly looked a bit worried. "W-what do you mean?" she asked. The continual blasts of magic making it hard to hear. "You gotta. If you don’t, who knows what will happen."
Pinkie giggled as she put a hoof around Dash. "Sorry Rainbow, I can't. You know how I do all that crazy stuff like flying and knowing so much cool stuff? It's cause me and the story writers worked out a deal long ago. I do what they tell me to, and they let me do all sorts of neato stuff."
Rainbow could only stare with her mouth wide open. The unicorns in the room with her staring aghast at the revelation.
"B-but that means she's..."
Pinkie interrupted the random unicorn. "Yup, I’m with the narrator!"
"Everypony, BAIL OUT!" Rainbow screamed as the ponies jumped out of the building. Most using the windows. It was utter chaos.
And above it all was the narrator. A frustrated huff leaving his non existent mouth as he realized that maybe a ship fic was beyond him. These ponies fought so hard, perhaps all the ship fics were too much for a land like this. It was then that a purple bolt of magic flew past him.
"NARRATOR! COME DOWN AND FACE ME, PONY TO LITERARY DEVICE!" The purple Alicorn yelled, her horn glowing with power. "I’m not scared of you. Because I have a weapon more powerful than friendship this time."
Meanwhile...
The smell of hay wafted up, her country hat hung by a post. Applejack stood there, Rarity in her arms, tears down her face. "They know..." she said as the unicorn put a hoof up to stop her.
"Then let them know it all. I’m not afraid. So long as we can be together that’s all that matters."
Applejack nodded as she held her tighter. "It's not that easy where I’m from. Family will stand by me. Their good but the other earth ponies... I just don’t know... may-"
The loud crash and bright flare of purple energy shattered the quiet of the moment. Both of them stared back at the bolt of magic as it plowed through one side of the barn and out the other. The two were unharmed except for their nerves. Applejack lept to her feet and looked out the hole, her hoof shaking in the air. "Celestia damn you narrator!"
Back at the city, Twilight stood ready for the worst. "I learned a special spell just to stop you," she said. The narrator just smirked.
And what spell would that be? The narrator asked, knowing she couldn’t hurt him.
Twilight stood tall and proud. "A truth spell."
And what is a truth spell going to do against me?
"Nothing," she said with a shrug. "But this truth spell tells me the truth about all your hidden secrets!" her horn suddenly let out a bright flash of light. "I know the truth about you. Now leave or else."
The narrator paused for a moment. The mare's threat threw him off as he sized her up. Finally he spoke. You’re bluffing.
"The narrator has a huge collection of pony plushies!"
The narrator stared at the story he was writing in disbelief. Stop! He shouted before trying to figure out how to stop her. That's personal. There’s nothing wrong with a grown man having plushies. Someone from my work might read this and it'll be super embarrassing.
Twilight smirked as she flew up some. "Oh really? Don't like having your private life in a story? Too bad lover boy. Leave or it'll get worse."
You wouldn't dare.
Twilight took a deep breath as the narrator began to panic. “The Narrator's waifu is-"
NO, NO, NO! he shouted as twilight started.
YOU WIN! he shouted at the top of his lungs at the paper. You win. I'll leave
Twilight smiled happily and nodded. "Good, now get out of here..."
Can I at least narrate my leaving?
Twilight thought about it for a second then shook her head. "No, that might give you time to do something. No, you get two words and a period so you can type the words "the end" and that’s it. Use anything more then a two word declarative sentence, and I'll expose your waifu."
That night.
The narrator was so pleased with himself. The declarative sentence had worked. Twilight was now fast asleep in her bed, thinking that he had been banished. But he was smarter than that.
Suddenly, Twilight fell ill, a strange disease coming over her while she slept that stole her voice. Fate conspiring to break all of her quills too so that she couldn’t write anything and so that she would also step on a tack.
As the narrator looked down upon Ponyville though, he became angry. All he'd wanted to do was write a nice slash fiction between Sweetie and Spike and this was his reward? A constant fight from every pony he talked to. Perhaps a slash fic isn’t what they deserved. They want trouble, he would give them trouble.
The ground began to crack, the earth rumbled, and night turned to unholy day as he pushed himself up from the ground. The few ponies that were awake began to panic, the ponies still asleep soon would. A figure of fire and death rose from the ground, the narrator creating a horrifying visage to act as his servant.
Residents of Ponyville! The announcer's voice boomed as the ponies came to a panicked attention. I am the narrator. I came to write a ship fic, but you rejected me. I believe a more grim and dark approach is in order!
"But you turned it to day and its bright out!" one resident yelled back. "How grim and dark can it be in the middle of the day?"
Ugghhhhhh... really? You’re gonna do this now? I mean I had a whole evil speech written out but if you want the grimdark gore just tell me. I can skip right to the horror, you ingrates.
"Ummm... actually could you please?" a small voice called out. As the narrator looked down at the pony he saw it was Octavia who spoke. "I mean, the horrible pain will be a bother but since every other fan fic written is grim dark, well... can we just get on with it? For a few of us this is just another painful Tuesday. I mean last week I had a guy write one where I butchered the Cutie Mark Crusaders."
The narrator starred for a second. You know what? Fine. No villain speeches, just on to ripping ponies apart. Now, city of Ponyville, choose who shall die on the alter of my anger!
The citizens looked around, not quite as used to choosing. It wasn’t long though until the crowd had started to panic. A knot of ponies at the center grabbed a blue earth pony, dragging him forward as he screamed. "NO! Please no! I’m just an OC he made for this story! Please, don’t choose me, I'm not ready to die! HELP!"
Kranglor, the narrator's avatar reached down to pluck him up. When suddenly, a voice rang out. "Stop! Take me instead!" the walleyed mare shouted as she stepped forward. Kranglor formed a fist, raising it in ready to slam it down.
Hey Kranglor, can you hold on a minute with this one? Kranglor looked up at the narration, sad and upset. I get it Kranglor, I do. But just chill. I want to see where she's going with this. Again Kranglor looked up, letting out an upset grunt. Tell you what Kranglor, just hold on a second.
Suddenly, Kranglor had a game boy. There, better? I put Tetris Galaxies in so play that, OK man? Kranglor nodded.
So Derpy, chosen to die huh? I wonder why. The derp eyed mare scowled at him as she spoke.
"Because I’ve got nothing to lose. You bronies and your shipping... because of you everyone just puts me with the doctor. You know I’ve never even learned his real name? Says it's too complex for me like I’m stupid or something. And he's always away. Always playing in his phone booth with his “companions”. He even admitted to some mistress lady." A tear rolled down her cheek. "We're a ship, but he has a mistress... so do it. Take me. TAKE ME!"
The narrator was silent for a moment, only the bleeps and bloops of Kranglor getting a high score disrupting the quiet. Finally the silence was broken.
I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we shippers could do that much damage. If you want, I could write one where you aren’t with him.
She nodded her head. "That would be nice, but I still need someone, to help raise dinky."
The narrator thought for a bit. Well, I do have an OC, or you could try Kranglor here.
Kranglor looked up from the game just in time to hear his name. "I think he'll scare dinky." she said as she took flight.
You sure? He's really sweet. Based him off a retarded dog I once owned. He wou-
"I'll just stick with that OC. Is he nice?"
The narrator could feel his anger and hate lowering as she asked. His fingers typing in a description. Well, he's got a Mohawk, and he's okish with kids. And in the ship fic he’s gonna help by keeping the sky clear over your head while you deliver mail.
"That does sound kinda nice... and you wont destroy the town?"
I guess not. Ready to start?
Derpy nodded as the pastel orange Pegasus flew up to her and the narrator cleared his throat.
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville...
The End