"You wait here," said the blue unicorn mare, heading to the kitchen, "and Trixie will make dinner."
She really liked this one. They hadn't been seeing each other for long, and this was the first time she'd brought him back to her house. Being on the road most of the time, touring with her show, she didn't get much of a chance to meet stallions. It would have been easy to settle for a relationship with a mare - the gender ratio in Equestria is seriously skewed, and she'd had plenty of offers - but such a Great and Powerful pony deserved a stallion: a unicorn stallion that could one day be the father of a Great and Powerful line of descendents. Was Comet Tail the one? It was too soon to tell. But right now, he wasn't NOT the one.
She finished washing her hooves in the sink and dried them on a tea towel before returning to her guest. "You do like haysteaks, right?"
"Love them!" replied her guest.
"Great," said Trixie walking back to the kitchen nervously. She was no stranger to cooking. Spending her life on the road, a mare has to be able to look after herself. But she didn't normally do "fancy". It was usually just some quick hay sandwiches, or in the winter maybe she'd light a fire and cook a simple vegetable soup.
Trixie levitated two small bales from the refrigerator and shut the door. According to the recipe, she'd need to use a hay press to flatten them down to a quarter of their current size. She didn't own a hay press, but she was sure she could improvise if she could find something heavy.
She put the hay bales on the table and measured their height. Then she placed a saucepan on top of each. The saucepans barely made an impact on the hay. This was what Trixie had expected though - she'd chosen saucepans for a reason. She started filling them up with potatoes, tin cans, and whatever other heavy things she could find around the kitchen.
Pulling out her ruler, Trixie measured the height of the hay bales. They still needed to be about 20% smaller. She looked around for any other heavy things she could fit inside the saucepans, but couldn't see anything obvious. There was only one other option: a Great and Ingenious idea.
Trixie used a chair as a step to climb up onto the table. She placed a front hoof into each pan, wedging her hooves between some potatoes. She then tried to distribute her weight onto her front hooves, pressing the hay down further. She could feel the bales getting squashed beneath her.
She couldn't measure the hay bales from this position, but when she guessed they would be flat enough, she withdrew her hooves from the hay bales. Or at least she attempted to. Her hooves had become wedged quite tightly by the vegetables and tin cans in the saucepans, and she was unable to remove them.
Trixie started panicking. She could hardly go out and see her date like this! The Great and Powerful Trixie would not be humiliated by anyone! Especially not by herself!
Trixie struggled, trying to remove the saucepans. She pushed and she pulled. She tried levitating the pans away from her as hard as she could. She tried stamping her hooves as hard as possible to shake some of the potatoes and tin cans free.
Crack!
The blue unicorn looked down to see the table she was standing on crack and collapse. Moments later she let out a little "ahhh!" as she came tumbling down, onto the floor with a crash.
The noise reached Comet Tail who was waiting patiently in the other room. "Do you need any help in there?" he called, standing up.
"Trixie is OK!" the mare called back to him. Comet Tail sat back down.
She grabbed a frying pan in her mouth and bashed the haysteaks a few more times, releasing her frustration on the innocent hay. She looked at the haystakes. Actually they looked just perfect!
Now she just needed to find a way to get these saucepans off her hooves! She looked around the kitchen frantically. Trixie spotted a wooden spoon. She jammed it into one of the pans, and attempted to lever her hoof out. The spoon snapped.
Trixie's kitchen was L-shaped, with one side of it used as an informal dining room. This gave her another idea. She went to the corner between the two parts of the room and positioned the pan against the wall. She pulled against the corner hard. Trixie closed her eyes and pulled harder. Suddenly, her hoof sprang free and she fell onto her rump. The pot clattered on the floor.
She inspected her hoof. It was a little sore and she might end up with a bruise, but there was no real damage.
One hoof down; one to go. She tried the same trick with the second pot, pulling as hard as she could. This one seemed to be stuck tighter. She pulled some more and the plaster on the wall began to crumble. Just a little more...
Her hoof sprang free and the saucepan flew across the room, smashing the window above the sink, and disappearing into her garden.
Comet Tail heard the sound of smashing glass. He stood up and walked towards the kitchen. "Are you sure you're OK in there?" he asked with some concern.
Trixie got up and bolted to the door, intercepting him before he could lay eyes on the scene of disaster behind her. "Trixie is just fine," she explained. "Please sit down and relax. If Trixie needed help, Trixie would ask. It won't be long now."
Trixie returned to the kitchen. She thought that she should have perhaps just bought some pre-squashed haysteaks. Buying hay and squashing it herself had seemed cheaper at the time, but she hadn't factored in the cost of a new table, a new pane of glass for the window, and replastering the kitchen.
She levitated the contents of the remaining pan, and placed them on top of the refrigerator. She could put the tins, potatoes, and so forth away in their proper places later.
She levitated the saucepan, which didn't seem too badly dented after its adventures, to the sink and filled it with water. With a little more effort, she levitated the full pan to the stove. She switched on the gas and used a magic spark to light it.
While the water heated, she started preparing the vegetables: they would have carrots, parsnips, and French beans. By the time she was done peeling and chopping the carrots and parsnips, and trimming the ends of the beans, the water had reached a rolling boil. She levitated the vegetables into the pot.
Trixie took a step back to admire her handiwork, but tripped on one of the legs of the collapsed table. She went careering backwards and landed against the wall, her head hitting a small shelf that she used as a spice rack. An open jar of horseradish sauce fell and landed directly on her horn.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" cried Trixie in a hoarse whisper, not wanting to make any noise that would draw Comet Tail's attention and expose her incompetence. The upturned jar was leaking the spicy condiment all over her sensitive horn, and it stung intensely.
Trixie ripped the jar off her horn, throwing it across the room, and dashed towards the sink, her eyes closed and streaming with tears. She tripped over another fallen table leg and fell flat on her face.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" the unicorn mare continued, picking herself up and reaching the sink. She fumbled around blindly with her hoof and found the cold tap. She turned it and splashed the cool water onto her face, washing away the horseradish and soothing her horn. The sting began to subside.
"Stupid table. Stupid horseradish," mumbled Trixie while she swept up the remains of the broken horseradish sauce jar from the floor. She opened the lid of the bin with her magic, and deposited the broken glass and globs of white sauce. "I don't ever even want to think about horseradish again."
She turned to the broken table, and levitated the pieces of wood into a neat stack at the side of the room so that she wouldn't trip over them again. Trixie returned to the stove to check on the progress of the vegetables. Nearly done.
Now it was time to fry the haysteaks. They only needed to be seared, so should be done in a few minutes. She poured a little sunflower oil into a frying pan and switched on the gas underneath it, once again lighting it with her magic.
She picked up the haysteaks and carefully laid them in the hot oil, and was rewarded with the satisfying sound of them sizzling. After two minutes, she used levitation to flip them over and fry the other side. They had turned a nice golden brown.
Another two minutes later, she removed the pan from the heat and set it aside on a heat-proof mat. Turning to switch off the gas, her hoof passed though the flame, momentarily. She pulled back her hoof lightning fast and jumped backwards, banging into the refrigerator.
The refrigerator wobbled from side to side and a single tin can fell off the top, landing on a shelf full of cookery books and knocking over the first one. This pushed over a second, which pushed over a third, which landed on Trixie's crystal ball.
The ball slowly rolled towards the edge of the shelf. What a ridiculous place to keep that, she scolded herself. As the crystal ball fell off the edge, Trixie cast a quick unbreakable object spell, protecting the delicate ball from being damaged.
The ball landed right on Trixie's cold tap and because the ball itself was indestructible, the tap took the brunt of the impact, being bent at almost right angles to its proper position. A fountain of water erupted from the damaged faucet. The crystal ball bounced and smashed into the draining board by the sink where all of Trixie's plates were stacked. Crockery went flying. The ball eventually came to a rest on the floor with a thud.
Sighing, Trixie levitated a colander into the sink. And while directing the fountain of water out of the conveniently placed hole in the window, she drained the pot of boiling water through the colander before the vegetables had a chance to overcook.
She bent under the sink, finding the stopcock for the cold water, and turned it off.
Trixie looked at the pitiful pile of broken crockery near her sink. She rummaged through it and thankfully found two unbroken plates. She swept away the fragments of broken ceramics and gave the plates a quick rinse under the hot tap before towelling them dry.
The blue pony placed the two plates on one of the few remaining undamaged and uncluttered parts of her work surface, and served the vegetables and perfectly fried haysteaks onto them.
Levitating them in front of her, she walked through to the living room, leaving a scene of devastation behind her. She could clear it up later.
Comet Tail was still sitting patiently. "Mmm... that smells delicious," he said.
"Thank you," said Trixie, genuinely flattered.
"It's such a lovely summer's evening," said Comet Tail, "should we eat outside? I noticed you had a table and chairs out there."
"Good idea," answered Trixie. She hadn't thought about where they'd eat. The kitchen slash dining room was certainly out of the question.
Trixie levitated one plate of food towards her date, who picked it up with his own magical field, and the two ponies trotted out to her front garden where a small selection of outdoor furniture was arranged to the side of her door.
"Hmm... has it been raining?" asked Comet Tail, noticing the grass was wet.
"I suppose it must have," answered Trixie, cringing as she recalled the water she'd sent out the broken window.
"Well, the table and chairs seem dry. It must have been a very localised shower," reasoned Comet Tail. "I'll never understand the methods of those pegasus ponies! Anyway, the sky seems clear now. I'll risk it if you will."
The two ponies sat.
"Say," started Comet Tail as he finished chewing his first mouthful, "you wouldn't happen to have any horseradish would you?"
"No!" answered Trixie, just a little too quickly. After a pause, she changed the subject: "So how do you like the Great and Palatable steaks?".
"They're perfect," replied Comet Tail, taking another mouthful.
Trixie sat in silence for a moment.
"And what about the Great and Anxious Trixie?" asked Trixie more quietly.
Comet Tail swallowed, leaned over and kissed Trixie on the cheek. "You're perfect too," he answered. A tear came to Trixie's eye. She wiped it away with a hoof before he could notice.
"Oh look, somepony's letting off fireworks!" exclaimed Comet Tail excitedly as some yellow explosions started overhead. "That's nice. I love fireworks. Let's watch them while we eat."
The two unicorns sat and ate their dinner while they watched a spectacular display. Trixie's horn glowed softly.