Applejack was a very successful farm pony.
Every day she worked dutifully, bucking apples, helping Granny Smith bake pies, and generally fulfilling everything she was supposed to do according to her name. How her parents knew she was going to want to work on a farm is beyond me, but Applejack was happy with her life. There was not a thing she wanted to change. So every day, she would get out of bed with a big smile on her face and do her chores!
Applejack remains in bed.
Sweet Celestia, not you as well! That doesn't even make any sense! Are you seriously derailing your own character just for the sake of free will? Your name is APPLEJACK! Go pick apples!
Applejack goes outside to the orchard.
Much better. For a minute I thought you were going to be like Twilight. Honestly, she's just the most stubborn pony in Ponyville. I try to tell a story and she does the exact opposite of everything! But you're more cooperative, aren't you? I've always admired Earth ponies and their fascinating loyalty and work ethic!
Applejack takes a nap underneath a tree.
Okay, buck that. Screw Earth ponies.
Applejack suddenly sprouts a pair of wings.
Oh my! Isn't this AMAZING? A simple Earth pony, once only capable of harvesting, is now graced with the ability to fly! She can soar to the Heavens and back if she wants! She can sleep on clouds, manipulate the weather, and everything else! Why, imagine what this will do for the farm. If she needs it to rain, it will rain. The Apple family will surely benefit from having a pegasus in their workforce. Rejoice, Apple pony. You are now the best worker on the farm.
Applejack returns to her nap.
ARE YOU BUCKING KIDDING ME?! You can....you have.... So if I made you, say, grow another ten pairs of hooves, you would just say “Well, then” and go back to sleep? Have you no appreciation for adventure and fantasy? Of course, the fantasy genre has taken a few hits in the past years, what with nearly everypony trying to copy Harry Trotter. But that's no excuse to ignore it when you grow an extra set of body parts!
Applejack continues sleeping.
Applejack was tired because she had spent the entire night trying to get laid. But the poor thing just couldn't find a stallion blind and deaf enough to have sex with her. She wandered through Ponyville all night, begging any stallion she came across to spare her two minutes. She did pause a few times and wonder if this was worth neglecting the chores, but she ultimately decided that sex was more important than ensuring the stability of the farm. Oh, and did I mention she was addicted to every drug, including ones that don't even exist in our universe? In fact, the whole Apple family was known for selling drugs to every corner of Equestria.
Applejack snores loudly.
You're mocking me, aren't you?! You're saying that my narration is so boring that you can't keep yourself awake! Well, if this doesn't wake you up, nothing will!
Applejack grows a horn.
Now you're an alicorn. And apparently a princess as well, if that makes any sense. You can take care of the farm like a unicorn, which is actually more efficient anyway, and then you can laze around like a pegasus. It's the perfect balance of all three pony races! How could anypony object to this?
Applejack's new horn glows with impending magic.
I had to turn you into a totally different type of pony just to get you to do something interesting? Or are you finally ready to go along with the STORY? This might surprise you, but there is a very long and well-thought out STORY going on right now, Applejack. It's a beautiful journey into the mind of our favorite Ponyville citizens. A psychological masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Imagine what AJ will do with that new magic of hers! No, don't imagine it. Just sit back and read the most outstanding story to ever be told: “Applejack, Princess of Apples!” This will be more exciting than the other one!
Applejack teleports back into her room.
Now we're getting to the psychology part! Why is Applejack teleporting here? Perhaps, underneath all of that confidence, she really is a fragile soul who feels safest when she's alone and not vulnerable to the expectations of her family! Every day she gazes at that orchard and wishes to remain indoors, where she is safe. But she knows that she must risk bearing her true self if the Apple family is to prosper.
Applejack goes to bed.
Or maybe she's a lazy flankhole who has something against me. Against ME! All I did was try to mold Equestria into my own design. I never hurt anypony....except perhaps those two ones I almost allowed to be killed by that tentacle during the invasion of the Everfree Forest. I'm sure the therapy visits for that incident weren't cheap. But on the other hoof, therapists must be in high demand in Equestria without my help. How many ponies needed marriage counseling after the Shining Armor and Princess Cadence incident? The idea that your wife or husband might be an evil creature masquerading as them to feed on your love is enough to terrify anypony. I do love that Queen Chrysalis, though. She's got style. Perhaps the kind of style to liven up a story that's literally too dull for any words except these words saying it's too dull to.... I believe I'll stop that.
Queen Chrysalis appears next to Applejack.
Time for a battle! Applejack the Alicorn must save Equestria from the wrath of the evil queen! She has a choice to make: She can continue sleeping or she can rise to the challenge. The story needs your heroism, Applejack!
Applejack uses her magic to hit Chrysalis with a giant rock, crushing her.
…........Well, that wasn't very exciting. If somepony else had just thought of doing that during the Changeling invasion, they would have eliminated one of the largest threats in a matter of seconds. Congratulations, Applejack. You've managed to produce the worst battle scene to ever appear in a story. You could have at least obliged us with a badly-written zinger about how Changelings can be anything they want, but they can never be badflanks like you. Except now that I've thought of it, you're not allowed to use it. Really. If I ever catch you using something that sounds even similar to it, the next story will be a very tasteless one about a farm pony surviving in the big house.
Applejack goes back to sleep.
Since I'm so boring I put you to sleep, how about a bedtime story? Once upon a time, there was a show called My Little Human: Technology is Magic. It was a beautiful show about humans having all sorts of amazing adventures for the whole family. But a lot of ponies shunned the show. They thought it would only appeal to pink pegasi with eyepatches who danced on Tuesdays and liked smooth jazz. However, over time the show began to draw in viewers who didn't fit this description. These ponies realized that the show was good for reasons that could appeal to anypony. In the spirit of friendship, they joined together to create a massive group of fans. Naturally, also in the spirit of friendship as defined by Ponytube, a large group of outsiders rose up to teach them the most important life lesson of them all: “Nopony is allowed to like something outside of their target demographic because it makes them a disgusting excuse for a pony who gets off to it”. While some of the fans shrank away at this abuse, others disagreed and continued to enjoy the show. And they all lived happily ever after....but didn't.
Wow, what an inventive story! I don't even know where it came from. A ridiculous one, though. As if something that completely stupid could ever happen in real life. Perhaps if everypony were to morph into whining children by the end of tomorrow there would be such a conflict over an animated show of all things.
Applejack's horn and wings disappear.
I'm finished with you for now. I'd rather narrate for somepony who WON'T go completely against the story for a change. Sorry, my dear, but I need to be able to do what I want. It's not you, it's me and all that. Well, in this case, it was you. You were the one who wouldn't stay awake long enough for me to tell the story. I had a bunch of stuff planned! A robbery, a marriage, an epic battle that would have made all the anime fans have orgasms. Sigh. Next time we'll have all that, plus a room filled with hookers and blackjack.