life adjustmints
notes: double line is a cut away
Archer woke up and with his eyes still closed said "woodhouse, i'm not smelling eggs. Do I have to throw your clothes off the balcony again". He opened his eyes to to see he was not in his apartment but insted a library. "Oh right, i'm still stuck in every girls fantasy world. This entire place is like a pride parade". Archer got off the couch and saw a note on the table. it said
dear archer: we tryed to wake you up for our search mission, but you were passed out so Lana sugested we leave without you. Something about that whole incident in shanghai and you missreading asshole. Have fun without us. sincerely: Twilight p.s. Lana told me you have a problem with alcohol so I suggest you visit applejack for some more.
"Geez thanks alot bitch and bitcher. Also Applejack, what is she a walking.......whatever glass applejack is searved in". Archer trotted off to the kitchen to find some food. He opened the fridge to see nothing but hayfries, sandwiches with flowers in them, and some leftover sweets. "Jeez, how is she still alive". He closed the fridge door and saw a basket filled with apples. "meh, it's better then air pie". He picked one up and ate it in one bite. He walked outside to be hit with sunlight and ponys talking to each other. "Now time to go gite shit faced, but first I need to find this applejack. Maybe that pink pony knows were she is".
Archer walked down the street looking at the surrounding. he saw stands selling flowers, vegetables. and fruits. "That apple did nothing, I'm still hungry". He saw a giant place that looked like a bakery. "maybe I can git a bear claw from here. Speaking of I wounder were pam is. She's probably doing something fat.
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malory,cyril and cheryl were all screaming as a bunch of timber wolfs started to close in as pam held up a sharpend spear like stick
"COME AT ME BRO!!!!!!!!!!". pam screamed out as the wolfs charged her.
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"Probably making a buffet go bankrupt". He entered sugar cube corner and saw mr. and mrs. cake at the counter.
"Welcome to suger cube corner, can I help you". said mrs cake
"Well if I don't get something in my stomach I will die so I don't know, can you". both the cakes gave a confused look at Archer.
"Wait a minute, dont I know you". Said mr. cake
"Not unless you know Sterling Archer, the worlds greatest secreat agent".
"Well it cant help that you call yourself that. Wait, Archer. I do know you, your pinkys new friend". Said mr. cake
"Pinky......oh you mean the cokehead. Yea I saw her yesterday" as Archer was talking, Pinky pie came down the stairs.
"Archy!!". Pinky ran up and gave Archer a big hug. "My new best friend came to visit me. Wait here, I have something for you". Pinky ran off into the kitchen and came back with a little cupcake that had Archers cutie mark on it, "Heres your welcome to ponyvill cupcake". Archer grabbed the cupcake and ate it.
"Well now that i've eaten, time to get some drinks. Do you know were somebody named applejack is".
"Oh twilight told me you may want to see applejack, I was actually heading over to see hoe you were doing. Anyway, she's this way".Pinky ran off towords sweet apple acers
"Hay were the hell are you going, I said I wanted a drink". Archer ran off after pinky.
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Archer cought up with pinky and started to move at a stedy pace next to her.
"How are you not tired".
"ummm, I don't know. I'm just always so hyper. Maby it's the 50 cupcakes I had for breakfest". Archer just looked at Pinky
"jesus, How are you still alive". Pinky didn't even respond to that. as they were walking archer started to look at pinky more closely. Is her hair made from cotton candy. I kinda want to nibble on it. I wonder what it would feel like rubbing up against my WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING, she's a pony, a baby horse girl toy for god sake. Wear's Pam, if I don't have sex with her soon, I'm not going to be held responsible for what I might do to one of them. Both of them were quiet until pinky said something.
"Say Archy, why don't you just fly instead of walk, you are a pegasus. Oh right, you were a human at some point".
"Wait how do you know that. Did pam blabber again".
"Twilight told me about you and Lana".
"Oh well that make sense. Trust me pinky, if I knew how to fly with these things I would".
"Well if you need someone to teach you then I have the perfect friend. Wait here, i'll go git her". Pinky bounced off away from Archer. Archer didn't know what to do besides just wait for her. He stood still for a good minute until he heard someone scream
"LOOK OUT". he tilted his head only to be run down by a pegasus. After he recomposed himself he saw the pony that ran him over.
"Hay why don't you watch were your going, you could kill somebody"
"Well how about you move next time I say look out". the rainbow maind pegasus got up and looked archer in the eyes. "Say are you new or something, because i've never seen you around ponyvill before".
"Yea I am. Let me gusse, you came to ponyvill for gay tolerance".
"WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I'M NOT A LESBIAN".
"That rainbow main couldn't have fooled me"
"Are you an idiot or something, this is my natural main color not a statement"
"Sure it is". Rainbow gave Archer a mean look for a couple of seconds before thay both broke out laughing
"Your a pretty funny guy for a jerk. I'm rainbow dash".
"I'm Archer, and you must be the one that walking suger comma waiting to happen was talking about. She said you can help me learn to fly".
"You must be talking about pinky, and how can you not know how to fly. You are a pegasus, aren't you". Archer explaned to dash who he really was and how he got to ponyvill. "So you were a human at some point, but now your a pony".
"due and or hello".
"Well I guess I chould teach you how to fly".
"Can it wait a little, it's been a full day since I had a drink so I was heading over to applejacks".
"I was also going to get some cider, how about I teach you on the way".
"Fine, just as long as I get some drinks"
"Trust me, you will. Applejacks the biggest alcoholic I know".
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Archer and Rainbow were flying to sweet apple acers.
"I think I got the hang of it". And just as Archer was doing good a landed face first into an apple tree.
"Hahaah yea nice flying skills".
"SHUT UP". Archer got back into the air and flow next to rainbow. "I'm just a little distracted because I haven't had a drink in almost a day so I'm a little twitchy"
"Man you have a serious addiction"
"It's a necessity, not an addiction, there is a difference dammit". Both Archer and rainbow landed next to applejack as she carted in a bunch of apples.
"Howdy there RD, who's ya new friend"
"This is Archer and he needs some cider". Applejack looked Archer over for a couple minuets "My my, aren't you all dressed up. Are you one of them canterlot ponys".
"I don't know what that is but I'm sure it's some bad pony related pun".
"Any why, I don't have any cider but I just got a new batch of whisky today".
"Now you talking, let's get shit faced"
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"Can you really get shit faced off of this stuff". Said Pam
"Yes in dedy. It may be cider, but it's still pretty strong", said pinky. The rest of ISIS were in Twilights library, enjoying the party that had begun a couple of hours ago. Pam was a fat earth pony with a blond main and green fur. Carol was a earth pony that had a red main in a bun style and was pink. Malory was a unicorn that had a grey and white main and had gray fur. Cyril was a Pegasus that had glasses on and had a black main and was yellow.
"I think I should stay away from that stuff. Alcohol tends to..... exaggerate certain features", said Cyril
"SEX ADDICTIONS NOT A REAL THIN ASSHOLE", lana said from across the room while she was talking to lyra and bonbon.
"Speaking of sex, I wonder were Mr.Archer is", said Pam.
"Why did you think of him because of sex", said Malory.
"Because she's screwing him", said carol.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaat yes", said Pam.
"Neverland ranch here does have a good point, were is sterling", said Malory.
"He's probably getting shit faced somewhere", Said Pam.
"Wooooooo", said Archer. "These ponys are awesome".
"Your awesome man", said RD
"I know that", said Archer
"sterling are you drunk", said malory
"WHINER", said Archer.
"wow he's drunk", said Pam
"Yes we are. Now if you don't mind, me and my new friends are going to keep partying", said Archer as he, Applejack, and Rainbow dash walked into the party.
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Archer woke up to find him sleeping on Twilights bed.
"Oh man, that was a crazy party. I remember coming to the party with AJ and RD, then I had some more drinks, then I had sex with someone. Probably Pam". When all of a sudden a blue hove wrapped itself around Archer. He looked down to see non other then rainbow dash. "Oh my god........ are we out of cider".