After everything was cleared up with the rest of the ponies, Quinn and the mane six continued through Ponyville.
"TS?" asked Twilight Sparkle. "Where did you come up with that?"
"I have no idea," said Quinn. "I know there's a writer on my world named T.S. Eliot, but I haven't read any of his stuff."
"Well," said Twilight, "changing the subject, I'm going to get it out of the way and ask right now, what would you like to eat? I know several good restaurants..."
"How about a cheeseburger?" interrupted Quinn. "Or a beef steak? Or..." He looked around at the other ponies, all of whom had looks on their faces as if they didn't know what he was talking about. "Oh yeah, I forgot, you're horses, so you're vegetarians."
"We're not horses, silly!" said Pinkie Pie. "We're ponies! But yeah, you're correct."
"Damn," he said, facepalming. "And I don't eat hay or flowers, so that cuts out about all of the food that would be served here."
"You don't eat hay?" said Pinkie. "You should. It's really good!"
"Well, sorry," said Quinn, "but that's just not what humans eat. We consider it unsanitary."
"So what do you eat?" asked Twilight. "I mean, there must be some common ground."
"Well," said Quinn, "tons of stuff, but not that."
"That's real helpful," said Applejack sarcastically. "I run an apple farm, but I'm guessing you don't eat those either."
"Apples, you say?" said Quinn, whose eyes suddenly got big. "Well, if they're anything like the apples on my world, then I'd love some!" But then he frowned. "I don't know how I'll pay for them, though. Damnit! I got shitloads of money but you most likely don't use my same type of currency."
"Oh, don't worry," said Twilight. "I'll pay for them!"
"No, fuck it," said Quinn. "I don't want to be a problem to any of you."
"No, Qui-- Major Evans," Twilight corrected herself. "I'll pay for them. You're our guest in Ponyville, aren't you?"
Quinn cringed. "Don't say that. It scares me, after all, I don't know how long I'm staying, but I'm hoping it's going to be a rather short visit." Now that Quinn thought about it, though, even though it wasn't exactly paradise, and was generally a much louder place than home (what else can you expect with females?), it certainly was a lot friendlier than America. I mean, there wasn't a military, but who cares? He could work as an educator, telling people all about his home.
"You're right," said Twilight. "You may be staying here a lot longer than I thought, so we'll have to get you some bits." She didn't even bother to notice Quinn's mouth wide-open with fear. That was not what he meant at all.
Twilight continued. "We'll need a list of necessities for you-- food, shelter..."
Shit. That implied that the ponies would get him a bunch of things, which implied that he would be staying there for an extended period of time. Which was not good, to say the least.
"Whoa, we're here already!" said Quinn, eager to change the subject. "Huh, how did we get here so quickly? Hey, you guys go along, I'll be right there."
"But Major Evans!" said Twilight. "How can we know what you want to eat if you aren't here?"
"Can't you wait?" said Quinn. "I have to do something."
"What's that?" asked Twilight.
"Well, I kind of have to see a man about a hor..." He stopped himself mid-word, then, realizing they probably didn't know what that meant, sighed and said, "Don't you ponies ever pee around here?"
"Oh!" said Twilight. "Well, why didn't you just say so?"
"'Ere's a lavatory around back," said Applejack. "If th' door is locked an' it smell' funny, 'en my brother Big Macintosh is in there and will probably be in there for a long time."
"Thanks," said Quinn, running behind the barn as fast as he could.
"That Major Evans sure is a funny fellow, ain't he?" said Applejack.
"I'll say!" said Pinkie. "First he was all stiff and serious, but then he just yelled out funny things about seeing somepony about a horse and then he ran off to pee!"
"Hey, Rainbow!" called out Rarity, who was watching Rainbow Dash fly away. "Whereever are you going?"
"I'm going to follow Quinn," said Rainbow Dash.
"What, don't tell me you have to go too!" said Rarity.
"No!" said Rainbow Dash. "But neither does he!"
"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.
"He obviously doesn't really have to use the restroom!" said Rainbow Dash. "He's just faking it so he can get as far away from us as possible!"
"But Rainbow--" began Twilight, but it was too late and the pegasus had already flown away.
...
As soon as Quinn got behind the barn, he hid behind the outhouse and, thankful that it was open and nobody in it could see him, pulled out his gun. With this thing, he thought, those stupid horses would never think of following me or asking me questions again. Hell, with this, I could rule all of Equestria!
He, unfortunately, was snapped back into reality when he realized he didn't know where the bullets were.
"Damn!"
He fumbled around in his pockets looking for them, but he couldn't find them.
"Fuck, I must have left them back at the plane!"
"Quinn!"
He heard the unmistakable voice of Rainbow Dash behind him. He ran up to the door of the outhouse as quickly as he could. Rainbow Dash flew up behind him.
"Why aren't you going to the bathroom like you said?"
"Because someone's in there!" Quinn lied.
"Oh really?" she said, skeptical. She knocked on the door. As luck would have it, a large red stallion kicked the door open and walked out.
"Oh!" said Rainbow Dash nervously. "Big Macintosh! How... uh... nice to see you!"
"Eeyup," said Big Mac. He then turned to see Quinn and his eyes got big. "What the hell is that thing?"
"I'm a human," stated Quinn, "and I have to use the facilities." He walked in and slammed the door shut. Big Mac walked away, still in shock. Rainbow Dash still stood next to the outhouse.
"Ahem!" said Quinn, seeing her outside the window. "Could I have some privacy, Dash?"
"How can I be so sure you're actually using the restroom, Quinn?" said Dash.
"For the last time, my name's not Quinn!" yelled Quinn. "It's Major Evans!"
"And you take me," said Dash, "for the pony who gives a shit! Your little ranks and shit in the military don't apply here, Quinn. Now I don't entirely trust you, so I'm going to stay here unless I actually have proof that you are going to the bathroom."
Fine, you want proof? thought Quinn. I'll give you proof! He unzipped his pants, but it wasn't long before he realized he didn't have to go, for his bladder was entirely empty. Thinking for a minute, he opened his water canteen and started pouring from it.
"Oh!" exclaimed Dash. "Ew! That's proof enough for me!"
As Quinn heard Dash galloping away, he smiled, for he knew he had fooled her. He opened the door and snuck to the other side of the barn. He looked at the other ponies, then, seeing as how they all had their heads turned, as they were picking the apples for him, ran as quickly as he could in a random direction that he thought was the direction of his plane.
...
"...so, this'll be two buckets of apples an' a pie," said Applejack as she gathered up everything for Quinn.
"Just for starts," said Twilight. "I don't know if he eats wheat or not, so only one pie will be good for now."
"Maybe we should get Quinn's opinion first," said Applejack. She turned to Big Macintosh. "Could ya get Quinn fer me, Big Mac?"
"Eeyup," said Big Mac as he trotted behind the barn.
"Now," said Twilight, "how much will that be?"
"It's fer free!" said Applejack. "We want to make our guest feel at home, right?" Suddenly, Big Mac ran back to Applejack.
"He ain't there!" he said. Everypony ran back behind the barn, where they saw Quinn's footprints leading off into the distance.
"Oh no," said Twilight. "He's in the Everfree Forest!"