Although Applejack’s single brow edged towards her hat a few more times than usual, she handled the news far better than the (still missing) Fluttershy. After the sordid story was out in the open and had time to breathe, Applejack took off her hat and took a long drink from a pail of water left sitting by the porch.
“I…” she began, before going for another drink.
Rarity nudged Twilight. “I hope we didn’t break her, too.”
Twilight disagreed. “Applejack’s stronger than that. If she can help and if she wants to help, she’ll do it. I know she will.”
Finally donning her trademark hat again, Applejack sighed dourly and said, “Since you are both my friends and since it’s my Element and all, I’ll shoot straight with you. I wouldn’t touch that draconequus’ dirty bits with a forty foot pole covered in applesauce. I didn’t like that trickster to begin with and ever since that whole ‘blue-flu’ incident, I’d rather kick him the balls than help him get off. I’m sorry girls, but you’ll have to find someone else to do your dirty work.”
Twilight slowly lowered her head. “We understand, Applejack. We’ll think of some—”
“Well I certainly don’t understand the big deal!” Rarity trumpeted suddenly, glaring at them both. “Applejack, what is it you do all day besides touch and fondle gross things? Keep your hooves in the mud and manure all while you milk some cows? All we’re asking is that you help milk something… that isn’t a cow. And one that doesn’t shoot milk.”
Instantly Applejack grew red and tightened her jaw. “So that’s just it, is it? You two are too good to go off whacking magical creatures but when you think of simple ol’ Applejack, you suddenly think she loves fondling disgusting things!” She took a step towards them. “You two are just so full of yourselves, aren’t you? If it’s a matter of life and death for everyone ever, then why don’t you go do it then?”
Rarity rubbed at a leg, then said tentatively, “Because you have the most experience not giving a crap what ponies think about you.”
The earth pony stared at her gravely. “If you say another word, Rarity, I’m gonna smack you so hard I’ll end up with mane dye all over my hooves.”
Rarity was awestruck. “Dye! What dye, you heathen?”
In a single pounce, Applejack launched herself on top of the screaming unicorn, a mini dust storm following their row. Twilight took a few steps back, keeping her distance, before a small colorful sight in the sky nibbled at her attention.
“Girls! Girls!” she yelled out.
An instant later the storm came to a halt, a dirty Rarity now sitting atop an still average looking Applejack. “Can’t you see we’re in the middle of discussing our problems, Twilight?”
Still glimpsing the sky, Twilight hopped over and whispered, “I have an idea. So play along and none of us might need to do anything, all right?”
The two arguing friends exchanged worrying glances, slowly uncoupling themselves to stand beside Twilight. “So what’s the plan, Twi?” asked Applejack. “Who’s gullible enough to give Discord a hoofjob in the middle of town?”
Twilight watched the blue pegasus lazily circle around the sunny sky, dipping in and out of puffy clouds. “Hey, Rainbow Dash!” she called. “Hey, come down here for a second!”
A moment later, a bolt of multi-colored light hit the ground ahead of them and Rainbow Dash blew at a bit of mane left over her eyes. “Hey guys, what’s going on? You all hanging out and didn’t invite me?” She smiled at them.
All three tried their best to genuinely smile back. At the time it was a tall task.
“You like competitions, right Rainbow?” Twilight started.
“Of course I do!” the pegasus answered without hesitation. “My favorite part is when I beat off everyone else that tries to win before I do! I’m just the best at everything!”
Mentally, Twilight wanted to dunk her friend’s head in the pail of water for such unnecessary showboating, but there would be time for such things after the day came to a close. “Are you now?” she cooed. “Because I think Applejack might have you beat for once.”
Rainbow Dash became agitated. “What? How? No way!”
“Isn’t that right, Applejack?”
Twilight turned to the cowgirl, pleading eyes right above a worn smile.
“Darn right!” Applejack began, as she glimpsed everything besides the anxious pegasus. “I’m pretty sure I got the best score… or fasted time… or more points than any pony, playing this particular game that has so far been left unmentioned…”
Rarity sidled up to wrap a leg around Applejack’s neck. “Doesn’t she already look twenty-percent cooler, Rainbow? Her time was so good, I don’t even know if you could beat it.”
The multi-color pegasus was nearly fuming now. “I could beat anything you beat! Any time, any where, all day long! Just point me in the right direction and I’ll beat it until it’s sore!”
“Great!” exclaimed Rarity. “Then you won’t have any trouble jerking Discord off in the middle of Ponyville! Applejack’s original time was… let’s say two minutes and fourteen seconds. If you can beat it faster than that… you get a trophy or something. We’ll iron out the finalities later.”
All of Rainbow’s original excitement seeped from her face, her eyes bulging until they appeared the size of dinner plates. “I thought you said this was a competition...”
Rarity’s strained eyes found Twilight’s, urging her to help move things along. Twilight took a breath and placed a hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder. “But it is! You’ve never heard about ‘The Hoofjob Games’?”
Rainbow’s face grew a few shades lighter blue. “Should I have?”
“Of course you should have, darling!” Rarity cut in happily. “It’s sweeping the nation, right this very minute! Already hundreds have gathered to watch the event, and this year Discord’s the judge! The competition may be fierce, Rainbow, but I have no doubt you’ll knock it right out of the park, just like always!” She stumbled for words. “There’s even punch! You like punch!”
A visibly sick Rainbow eyed the ground wearily. “I do like punch… but I really don’t like everything else you’ve mentioned up until now. I thought you meant an aerial challenge, or a race, or rock climbing. Not… that.”
Rarity shoved Applejack towards her. “Don’t you want to beat Applejack’s score, Rainbow? You’d be the talk of the town for years to come, I’m sure.”
Only a few inches from her clearly repulsed friend, Applejack’s entire face flushed red.
Rainbow asked her, “Did you really whack off Discord for some competition, AJ?”
Twilight watched as Applejack’s pupils dilated and a small portion of her soul become unhinged from the rest of her. Even if Discord wasn’t present at the time, he’s actions were slowly destroying the very innocence of every friend she had. If it continued much longer, his selfish masturbation act could very well end the Elements for good. And to think he had done it all singlehandedly…
Applejack said monotone, “Yes. Yes, I did do that thing they said I did.”
For a second longer, Rainbow Dash stared at the ground, slowly nodding along with the new details. Then she raised her head, “Well that’s too bad then. Because I wouldn’t touch that thing with a forty foot pole covered in Daring Do books.”
Twilight took a step towards her. “Is it because it’s Discord?”
“No,” she answered. “It’s because I don’t touch penises. Ever. Never have and never will.” She hastily smiled at them again. “Well, it’s been weird. Bye!” Then she blasted off into the sky, not taking a single second to look back; a grey mare in her path almost knocked out from the air by her speed.
For close to a minute each of the three remaining friends regarded the others, unsure of how exactly to proceed. Applejack was the first to speak. “Should we… should we talk about what Rainbow just said… about—”
Rarity shook her head. “No. No, I think we should all just press on and forget she said anything. We still have a penis in the middle of Ponyville that needs tending to and neither of us is willing to help reach its conclusion. There’s still time, but we need to think, and—”
“Wait!” Applejack cried. “Where in Ponyville did this all start?”
“In the center of the market square,” Twilight said. “Why Applejack?”
Applejack’s eyes narrowed as a lone tumbleweed blew across the grass behind her. “Because Big Mac and Apple Bloom went there to sell apples this morning and still haven’t come back. That could only mean…”
Twilight whispered, “Oh Celestia no. Not Apple Bloom too.”
A hard edge of grit entered the cowgirl. “Someone get me my lasso and work gloves. I’ve got a draconequus to tame.” She rethought for a second. “And maybe a bucket or two.”
***
“Apple Bloom! Apple Bloom, can you hear me?”
By the time they arrived back in the center of Ponyville, the sun had begun dropping from the sky. Street lamps surrounding the little circle of markets lit up with a warm glow, as it gave a shine to the hundreds of stock still ponies continually staring in the same direction. Pinkie Pie’s normal sized speakers had been replaced by a far larger set, blasting out random blips, heavy bass, and not much else. The white unicorn behind the controls only silently sobbed behind her two turntables. Pinkie must have eventually convinced her to come—omitting the terrible detail that whoever ventured there would remain in place until everything came to a close. Even if by then it felt to Twilight as though it never would.
Rarity and Twilight stood a few paces behind Applejack, who was busy prodding the unmoving body of Apple Bloom. Like the rest, she was mumbling something out of earshot, as her expanding eyes took in what they shouldn’t have seen until many years later—or perhaps never at all.
Applejack turned back to them. “We can’t leave her like this! This is bound to rot her brain and give her nightmares for years! We have to do something!”
Pinkie Pie bounced towards her and gave a hug that wasn’t returned. “Applejack! I’m so glad you came! Did you get the invitation I sent you?”
Twilight grimaced. “You sent out invitations? To the one thing that no one should bare witness to?”
“Of course, silly!” she answered unperturbed. “This is the best turnout for anything ever and everyone’s having a great time! Right Cheerliee?”
Everyone turned to the poor schoolteacher, as a single tear leaked down her frozen face. She whispered, “Judgment day has come and I am not prepared…”
Pinkie Pie smiled. “See!”
The rest ignored her latest antics and returned to the unflinching Apple Bloom. A moment later Rarity reentered the scene with a brown paper bag in tow. “Put this over her head. I snatched it from another stall.”
She hoofed it to Applejack who slid it over her sister’s head. “I’m sorry, sis. But it’s for your own good.” Then she took a step away. “Does anyone have a marker? I want to be completely sure Apple Bloom’s not enjoying a single second of this.”
“Oh! Me, me, me!” Pinkie shook her elastic mane and a black felt-tip pen flew out.
Applejack placed it in her mouth and drew a sad caricature of her sister’s face on the outside of the bag. “There. One problem solved.”
“Aren’t you going to help your brother, too?” asked Twilight.
Applejack thought about it. “Nah. He ate the last piece of pie the other night, so he can watch all he wants. And I know he messes with his own noodle enough—this should be nothing new.”
Headed by the cowgirl, all four friends trotted to the center of the square, where the patient Discord sat watching and waiting.
“What a crowd, Pinkie!” he greeted. “I had no idea just how popular I was until today. I’d give you a hand but… well, you know.” He glimpsed the hardened faces glaring back at him. His smile only brightened. “So who’s going to be the lucky gal? Hmm?”
“I am!” Applejack roared. “What you’re doing is despicable, Discord. And what you did to Apple Bloom is perhaps worst of all. How in Equestria is she supposed to comprehend any of this?”
He only shrugged. “I dunno. Tell her it’s filled with apple cider or something.”
Applejack grit her teeth together. “I would never besmirch the good name of apples, Discord. You should know that.”
The draconequus yawned and brought a hand to his mouth. “All this talk is getting boring. You going to help me out or have a picnic first? All this hand moving does take a bit of concentration, you know.”
The earth pony smirked. “I’ll help you out, all right. But I don’t think you’ll like it all that much.”
Discord raised a single finger, before pointing it at his dick. “Remember now. If this thing gets below sixty strokes per minute, you’re going to see some serious stuff. I wouldn’t be too timid if I were you.”
Applejack nodded at the tall creature, any sense of goodnaturedness completely devoid from the mare. “I’ve milked bulls that didn’t want to be milked before; I think I’ll do just fine.” Out of her travel bag she put on a pair of brown working gloves, before settling her lasso on a hoof. Then she spat a wad onto both sets of gloves. “You might wanna bite down on this,” she said, tossing a small branch onto the bench.
With rising apprehension, Discord studied the stick. “And why’s that?”
“Because there’s no way you’re about to enjoy what coming next.”