The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Side Battle: Augmentation vs. Flatulation

Please make sure that the "Formatting" setting in the top right is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you.

A/N: It doesn't get much more random than two completely different mediums clashing against each other. Oh, and before I forget... Spoiler Alert!
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Melon Hunter, Eidos Montreal, Square Enix, Obsidian Entertainment, and South Park Digital Studios.
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When I tried to get Adam Jensen in this action, he imitated Batman and faded into the shadows.

Mankind is on the brink of new technological advances. Some of these involve enhancements directly applied to the body.

But not everybody will take these enhancements willingly. Exhibit A is Bon Bon, a pony caught up in the Equine Revolution.

Forced destinies also exist in the realm of fantasy or in this next combatant's case, a town-wide role-playing game.

Enter King Douchebag, chosen warrior of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep and protector of the Stick of Truth.

He's F and I'm N and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Bon Bon
-Species: Earth Pony; augmented unicorn horn
-Previous occupations: candymaker, police officer, researcher
-Training in basic disarming and quiet knockouts
-Augments include: levitation, telepathy, hacking, social amplifier, "tag 'n' track", trickster invisibility, foldable blades, STARE
-Using any augment too heavily will tire her out quickly
-Weapons of choice: a tranquiliser dart rifle; a stun gun (close-quarters)
-Sometimes emotionless, sometimes too aggressive or cold in conversation
-Not so good with children

"Lyra, you're terrible at keeping things hidden. There's something else you want to tell me, isn't there?"

"Well... yes."

In the distant future of nineteen years after this Death Battle is written and published, Equestria has become run by corporate interests and technology has advanced beyond what any pony thought possible.

That fourth wall joke aside, things have pretty much reached a cross between Human Revolution's augmentation concept and Fallout: Equestria's ministry leaders, though there are a few differences to keep the reader guessing.

History is written by the victors, but the real winners' identities are as clear as mud.

Enter Bon Bon: former candy-maker of Ponyville, former police officer of Canterlot, and now researcher and errand girl of Sparkle Industries, aptly named after Twilight Sparkle.

Many of the vocal bronies will be happy to know that Bon Bon and Lyra are each other's special somepony in this iteration.

Unfortunately, Lyra pulls a Dr. Reed and ends up presumedly dead. On the plus side, that same attack inside the Deep Labs leads to a cool cyborg makeover for our voice-confused, lozenge cutie-marked pony.

Though, it took a long time for her to consider it a plus. Most of her body is unrecognizable to her original self. Augments run in lieu of her missing or damaged organs, her irises have been replaced by golden receptors, and her hooves fold out into blades or mechanical paws depending on how furious she is.

Don't forget that bad*ss long coat!

But the biggest pain to her heart was her new horn augment created by Lyra, the very lover that she lost on that fateful night.

This horn aug was super top secret and as far as we know, no one else in this story's universe has it. So you know that it's kind of a big deal.

These augments aren't just for show. Bon Bon knows just about all the ins and outs regarding usual aug enchantments, normal degradation cycles, and standard deviations... the type of math that F could never quite grasp.

Hey!

Heh heh... In unrelated news, did you know that Mom gave up her wings in this universe's iteration of her?

Oh yeah, Twilight's whole "I'm no better than anybody else" spiel. Been there, done that. Holy crap! Spike in this universe is freaking huge!

If I may return the subject back to Bon Bon...

Holy crap, I've seen a lot of dragons, but this Spike takes the cake... and probably ate it too.

*ahem* Aside from the expected levitation that comes naturally to all unicorns, Bon Bon's horn aug has a built in telepathic link called the Hydra aug, allowing her to speak directly to other telepaths with her thoughts.

Get out of my head. Get out of my head!

It also carries an aug that can hack computers. Technically, this is illegal. But it fits right up Colgate's alley in this universe.

So the author made Colgate their Francis Pritchard? Suddenly, my teeth don't feel so safe anymore.

Underneath her jacket, Bon Bon wears padded chest armor, essentially a bulletproof vest. Her standard "firearm" is the P-21 Naptime, a tranquiliser dart rifle powered by compressed air and completely concealable in public.

Perfect for making dummies for my favorite game show: "Where Will You Wake up Next?"

She has plenty of years in close-quarters combat training, both with the police and with her months of recovery after the augments were put in place.

A Matrix agent is nice, but going after Jensen's own heart for stealth gives this background pony even higher rungs on my personal bad*ss ladder.

When did you have time to construct...? You know what? I don't want to know. Some other capabilities granted through Bon Bon's augments include a temporary invisibility cloak, a wall-crushing power buck, and an eerily well-constructed imitation of Fluttershy's stare.

Wait... you don't mean the stare... do you?

Does she have another?

F shudders in his seat.

Spooky.

"I'm really that provoking? ... Who am I kidding? Of course I am."

King Douchebag
-Other aliases: New Kid, Dragonborn
-Class: Jew
-"Magic": Dragonshout, Cup-a-spell, Sneaky Squeaker, Nagasaki
-Class-specific Abilities: Sling of David, Jew-Jitsu, Circum-scythe, Whirling Doom, Plagues of Egypt
-Can make friends on facebook faster than any other person alive (3.2 billion friends at age five)
-Wields: Sweet Katana (from "the best store at the mall"); Crossbow of Impalement (can hit rows of enemies and is strong against armor)
-Wears: The Crown of Thorns (deals extra damage when burning, hurts melee attackers); Holy Robes (take less damage when bleeding, deal more damage when grossed out); Holy Ring (deal more damage when bleeding, adds Holy damage on a perfect strike)
-Single-handedly thwarted an alien invasion
-Shows the player just how creepy a silent protagonist would be in a realistic setting

"Are you sure you want to keep the name 'Douchebag'?"

Considered to take place after the entire South Park series, the events of The Stick of Truth focus on the adventure of the New Kid in town.

After scouring his new home for loose change, his parents ordered him to go out at make some friends. He accidentally stumbled into the middle of a role-playing game that spanned the entire town of South Park.

Regardless of what New Kid tried to type on an invisible keyboard, the wizard in charge insisted on dubbing him "Douchebag". To add insult to injury, his warrior class is "Jew".

However, this wasn't such a bad thing. Over the course of several battles, New Kid unlocked several abilities that allowed him to fight druid elves and Nazi zombies alike.

He can imitate the boy shepherd with Sling of David, cut his enemies' armor in half with Circum-scythe, wipe away the crazy*ss buffs with Whirling Doom, and conjure snakes, frogs, and a stinky cloud with Plagues of Egypt. Surely, he must be a son of God.

New Kid has learned four magic... um... "spells" with a speed worthy of the name Dragonborn.

Despite its name, Dragonshout is a literal fart in someone's face. He was then taught how to throw his fart in a straight line with Cup-a-spell.

The Sneaky Squeaker is a smaller version of this which can be controlled around corners for distracting enemies.

But the strongest spell in Dovahkiin's arsenal is the Nagasaki: an earth-shaking expulsion of flatulence that can crumble cracked rocks or turn a nearby flame into a huge fiery explosion.

Some unusual tricks were granted to the New Kid through an alien invasion and gnome panty thieves.

He can use extraterrestrial, mechanical eyes to teleport with his anal probe. With the gnome dust, he can shrink and crawl into small spaces. However, he never really uses these tricks in the heat of battle.

After defeating the Lord of Darkness Clyde, he was promoted to the position of King of Kupa Keep and granted garments to match his rank.

Basically, he was given identifiers that imitated Jesus, complete with a crown of thorns, holy robes, and a ring that grants extra holy damage.

He is proficient with the Sweet Katana in melee combat and utilizes the Crossbow of Impalement for ranged attacks and plowing through rows of enemies.

A cliche government agent wanted to recruit Dragonborn for his ability to make facebook friends faster than any other man alive. Though, those plans were quickly smashed when he... *mmph*... I'm sorry. He... *snrk*... hee hee...

*sigh* He farted on Princess Kenny's testicles.

BAH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

If we can learn anything from this Dragonborn, it's that being a silent protagonist is disadvantageous for telling somebody something important.

"Screw you guys. I'm going home."

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

This town is a wreck. I guess that isn't too surprising as there are various pieces of a spaceship's debris still sticking out of the road in random places. As the silent hero rocks back and forth in a stunted hopping motion, his eyes remain wide open. He looks around, possibly wondering why there are small flickers of fire here and there. That, or he's wondering if his parents will actually remember to feed him tonight. It's hard to tell when there isn't a Player 1 role-playing the part.

Suddenly, there's a division. There is no reason or explanation for this sudden shift in scenery. It's just there. Out in front of this kid is a street straight out of an imagined depiction of the not too distant future. It looks like somewhat tech-heavy skyscrapers, though there are a few rural cars and trashcans sitting around. Though, the 'hero' seems a bit more distracted by the immediate obstacle on the sidewalk. He's used to whacking random people with his weapon. He decides to swing his katana at the pony-shaped obstruction.

"Ow! What the...?" The pony turns around and stares at her attacker with glowing, golden irises. The rest of her body looks like something out of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. The kid hops off the sidewalk onto the open street. At the same time, two sunglass lenses snap into place over the pony's eyes.

"FIGHT!"

Bon Bon flicks out a rifle from her inventory. She aims it forward and a puff of air is quietly released. By some miracle, New Kid raises his katana to just the right height to deflect an incoming orange dart. He then proceeds to pull out a... cup of coffee. (Where was he keeping that?) He takes a quick sip and spits out the awful taste. After dropping the cup, he reaches behind him, pulls out a sock, spins it in place, and flings a couple rocks. Bon Bon jumps away from the first rock and rolls under the second.

With the caffeine still running through his body, New Kid somehow takes out a scythe and quickly runs forward. He takes a low, short swing with it. The augmented pony stomps right down on the scythe before turning around and bucking the kid right in his face. The kid slides a bit before turning around and running back to his starting position.

Bon Bon takes cautious steps to her left, never taking her sight off of her opponent. During this time, New Kid pulls out a can of Red Bull and drains its contents. He then proceeds to wave his hands around the air like he just doesn't care. Thunder booms in the vicinity. A cloud starts raining. Its precipitation is composed completely of frogs and snakes! Bon Bon rears up in surprise and hastily tries to levitate some of the nearby amphibians and reptiles with her magic. But her efforts become moot when a skull composed entirely of green smoke rushes right into her face and around her.

The skull cloud eventually clears, but Bon Bon's face looks a bit greener. While she is busy losing her lunch, New Kid quickly devours his own. (Where did he get an entire plate of meatloaf?) He turns around and sticks his rear end in his sick opponent's direction. A little air squeaks and wiggles down there. Similarly, the entire street seems to wobble.

After shaking her head from the nausea, Bon Bon looks up. She tilts her head in confusion at the kid's position. Though, the rumbling quickly alerts her. She feels prompted to look behind and above her. Her mouth opens at the sight of some loose spacecraft debris losing its placidity. A wave of light runs over her entire hide and she vanishes from the audience's sight.

Nagasaki

The subtitle reads on the bottom just as New Kid lets it rip. The purple pieces cover the ground of where his opponent was standing just a moment ago. The dust clears, but the pony is nowhere to be seen. He holds his sword up cautiously, awaiting a potential attack from the front. A sudden shock is sent through his entire spine. He crumbles to the ground with eyes shut just as another wave of light reveals Bon Bon. She stuffs her stun gun away before stepping closer.

One front hoof unfolds into a cyber-paw, grabs New Kid's head, and spins around a couple of times. The other front hoof unsheathes a metal blade before being jammed into his neck. Both hooves pull back and a squirt of blood spills. They resume a slightly more equine appearance as she turns away from her finished task.

"K.O.!"

"This wasn't what I would have asked for," says Bon Bon. Her sunglass lenses slip back to reveal her closed, sad eyes.

Roll over, Baraka! We just found a new Tommy Scissor-Hands!

Um... what?

Yeah, I don't have a clue what I just said either.

*ahem* There were plenty of opportunities where this battle could have gone either way. The New Kid's arsenal and move types were more than capable of matching Bon Bon's advanced augments.

I certainly never knew a butt could be weaponized to that degree. Ha ha!

But even though his individual moves are unpredictable, his battle strategy follows a rather straightforward pattern.

Sure, he can call on the forces of rocks and frogs and amp his attacks up with fire and electrical patches. But he always stands in one spot when he isn't attacking. Plus, he never thinks to break RPG etiquette by using a full-blown attack when it's the enemy's turn. Too bad for him, Bon Bon doesn't have ye olden manners.

Bon Bon is much more active in the field and keeps moving to avoid hazards. She may prefer using non-lethal methods if she can help it, but the tools at her hoof tips are more suited for a finishing blow than the New Kid's.

She wasn't the hero that Douchebag needed, but she was the one he deserved.

Wrong gritty source, F. The winner is Bon Bon.

Next time on Death Battle...

That beautiful thirty-pound mustache is coming back. Can any pony take his challenge?

"YEAH!"
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