"Welcome to my basement." Twilight said with a twisted grin. I was forcefully slammed on a cold, hard examination table. Leather straps magically levitated themselves and strapped down all four of my hooves and head, extremely limiting movement. The lavender pony hopped up onto the table, standing over me. She grasped each of my wings with her hooves and spread them to their limits. Two clamps flew towards the edges of the table and kept my wings down. She hopped back down onto the floor and looked at me, the same smile still plastered on her face. "Ok 'Cloud Star' can you move your head and look at this table of very sharp things?" She asked
"WHAT?!" I strained against my restraints to try to see where she was gesturing. Twilight giggled.
"Just kidding, they're just regular check up tools." Her horn lit up and a tongue depressor and mirror went into my mouth. "Well, mostly."
I began to detect a pattern. Twilight's horn glowed, things started to live, these things were shrouded in purple. I contemplated possibilities as she moved the two primitive tools around my mouth. "Rainbow." she shouted. "Get me book 173, mouth abnormalities and open to page 690." I heard some books getting thrown to the floor as the pegasus searched for the desired book. She eventually flew over to Twilight and held it open on the page. "Hmm." Twilight looked between my mouth and the book. She moved the tools around quickly for a better view. She scratched her chin then flipped the page. "Interesting." The popsicle stick was thrown out and the mirror gently placed near a sink to signify it needed cleaning. Twilight went over to her just out of view table for another tool.
"Hurry up Twi, I don't have all day." Rainbow said, shutting the book and flying over to put it back.
"Relax Rainbow, you'll just make him more tense." Twilight said as she picked up a metal tool with her magic and observed it. It ended with a shiny hook with a very obvious point.
"What are you going to do to me?" I asked with a hint of worry in my voice.
"Just going to observe you mouth better. I though I saw something peculiar." she held down my bottom jaw with her hoof and slowly pushed the tool back. She stopped about halfway back and tapped a tooth. "Hmm." she said, obviously interested. She levitated a notepad and pencil to her and wrote something down. "Rainbow, page 1074 please."
"Ugg, fine." Rainbow Dash picked up the dropped book and turned it about halfway through the pages, right to the desired number. "What do you think it is doc?" Rainbow asked, forging mock interest, adding an eye roll to prove how little she cared.
"Well Rainbow." Twilight began. I heard the cyan mare sigh. "You see, ponies have flat and round teeth for grinding up plants because they're herbivores. Griffons have sharp pointy teeth to tear meat and slice bones because they are carnivores. But humans are special. They have both teeth because they are omnivores and eat both plants and meat." Twilight paused for a second and angled her head for a better view in my mouth. "This tooth here." She tapped a tooth just behind my incisors with the metallic instrument. "Through this one here." she tapped the one on the other side. "Are sharp for eating meat, while the rest are flat and rounded for eating plants." She looked at Rainbow who made no effort to show she was interested, but babbled on anyways. "You see, when one's species is altered, the teeth are naturally resistant to magic due to their keratin lining so they are usually the same as it's previous species." She pulled the tool from my mouth and looked at me with that same, demented grin.
"What, so you're saying I pissed off some old hag and she did this to me?" I asked, as if I thought that was even a possibility.
"Exactly." Twilight said as she set the tool by the mirror and walked over to an area I couldn't see. I strained my neck muscles to bypass the constraints and see, but couldn't. I heard a loud crack and Twilight said "Oh, perfect." She walked back over to me, and I think I may have made a mess on her table when I saw what she grabbed. "Now this is where things get fun." Twilight said, an eye twitch added to her satanic smile.
"Oh boy, here we go again." Rainbow said.
Twilight raised her switch and stared me in the eyes. "This will only hurt a lot." She faked me out with a few small jumps before she let the whip go.
"STOP!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she flew in last second and caught the whip head inches from my bared chest.
"What? I need blood samples!" Twilight complained.
"There are safer, easier, and less painful ways." The pegasus reasoned, almost like negotiating with a terrorist.
"Name one."
"The hoof prick test." Rainbow said flatly, clearly un-amused by the childlike protest.
"But you never let me use the kinky things."
"Just take the needle and jab his arm."
"But, but." The pony stared into her friend's eyes pleadingly.
"Next time."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Yay!" Twilight giddily bounded over to her table and grabbed a small syringe.
She surgically stuck the pointy end into my vein and drew a tiny sample of blood. She then levitated it over to another table where she dropped one drop onto a blue screen. The larger screen, next to her head and in clear sight of me, which I somehow hadn't noticed, probably in terror, lit up instantly. A double helix assembled itself from pieces found outside the box. It flashed red as though an error has been detected and in zoomed in about three quarters of the way up the ladder. A blue box appeared with orange words that read 'Error in decoding species, sample implacable. Potential species: Pony: 80% Human: 15% Cow: 5%'
"Where did cow come from?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not sure why, but if it finds a short strand of DNA it can't read, it just assumes it's cow." Twilight explained. "But this definitely shows evidence you truly are from Earth, though this could pose a problem."
"What? Like what? Tell it to me straight doc, how long do I have to live? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"
Rainbow flew up and smacked me. "Calm down dude, just avoid trading of bodily fluids with others."
"That 5% cow is too much. If it truly is that high, it could cause anything from mild allergies, to death if it's in the right spot. Just stick with Rainbow Dash and do what she says. Pretend everything is off limits unless approved by either her or me, and do not under any circumstances tell any other pony about your origins."