Author's Mutterings and Whatnot: Is... is this it? Is this finally done?! OH GOD YES!
Have you ever wondered what it was like to write a fanfiction story, and then you're writing and writing, and all of the sudden it becomes way too hard and complicated, and suddenly you're making shit up as you go along, and it seems to be going good so far, but then you hit a stump in the road and now you're speechless and you can't think of anything to progress the story, even though you were so close to doing the next important scene, and it was all just screwed up because of one little scene that you can't write for the life of you, and all that future planning went to waste because you just can't seem to connect point A to point C without that annoying fucking point B that just happens to be Writer's Block Incarnate, and it's pretty much the reason for why most people stop working on the story cause they can't seem to get past that point B and then you have to disappoint everyone who loves your story by saying, "Hey, I can't do this shit anymore because *reasons*" when in reality, you can perfectly keep writing, were it not the fact you were a lazy bastard that just can't write out point B?
Maybe? Probably.
Here is point B for me.
Now here's me forcing through point B with all of my might, just to make this story survive.
THIS STORY. WILL. NOT. DIE.
P.S. Any character resemblance of this story with any other form of media is purely intentional and are possible the same characters in an alternate universe.
Don't sue me bro.
"*Whistling a happy tune.*" Whistled the Cashier Minion-bot as he waited for the next customer.
It was a nice day, a good day. It was relatively sane enough, bar the fact that he was on an alien universe inhabited by ponies and other mythical creatures, but still, it was sane enough. Nice change of pace, everything a-okay and normal for a few hours. All he'd been doing was taking orders, doing cashier work and so on. It was rare for things to finally slow down and not be constant crazy crazy, wabbabaloo, since he doubted the mental condition of his boss was intact. It was like whenever he was around, everything just gets fucked up with no explanations whatsoever, and it's been like that for years now. Asking for explanations was pointless and suicidal, as circuit boards tended to break from overheating from the illogical mess that Connery called a proper explanation. Well, it wasn't like they could die anyway, they were robots.
You know, now that he thought about it, it wasn't always this random and crazy before. Back when the empress was still around, it was relatively calm and things actually formed some sort of sanity.
But ever since the... incident with the empress... Connery was never quite the same. He somehow lost even more marbles after she was gone. Good news was that he seemed to have gotten over it. So that's cool.
Hm, how strange that this minion-bot was suddenly thinking about thoughts of depressing exposition. Time to set the mood to a more happier tone while the crazy was still at bay.
"Wonder what's on the radio?" He asked himself, turning a little knob on his head. Only, he stopped himself before he could, realizing a little fact, "Oh right, alien planet. Probably no reception here."
Hm... Actually...
*Flick* "Welcome to Cluetopia's News Radio! With your host, Newscaster-bot X-724! In recent news; OH MY GOD, THERE WAS A BIG BOOM INSIDE THE EMPIRE'S CASTLE AND THE EMPEROR IS GONE HOLY FUCKBALLS WHERE DID HE GO IS HE DEAD OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--- *Krrtz* We appear to have some technical difficulties. Please stand by, and enjoy some relaxing music."
"..."
I... uh... okay then.
"Well, at least there's some nice relaxing music."
Not gonna let this moment be ruined by the crazy. Not gonna let this moment be ruined by the crazy. Not gonna let this moment be ruined by the-
*CRASH* "Alright you bucket of boltheads! Give us back our Derpy or else you're all gonna get scrapped!" Violent rainbow mane said.
"FUCK."
Episode 8: Even Though it's Technically Only a Few Hours Since the Last Episode, It Feels Like a Year has passed by...
"Once I finally collect all of the Shen Gong Wu, nothing can stop me in my quest for world domination! The world will bow before the name 'Jack Spicer!' Hahahaha! Jack-bots, attack!"
"Pfft, what kind of villain names their own robots after themselves anymore? Man, they just never make cartoons like they used to."
*PiPiPi*
Aw, what now? I'm busy watching 21st century Saturday morning cartoons for cheesy inspiration.
*PiPiPiPiPi*
Nauuuuuuu, go away~.
*PiPiPiPiPiPiPi*
Stahp. I don't waaannaaa.
*PiPiPiPiPiPiPiPiPiPiPi*
Noooooooooooooooooo-
*PIPIPIPI PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE YOU PRICK PIPIPIPI*
JESUS. OKAY FINE.
*Krrtz*"Yes?"*Krrtz* I nasally grunted out of my sick throat.
*Krrtz*"Sir, our coffee shop is being attacked by ponies, who seem to be convinced that we kidnapped Derpy! What do we do?!"*Krrtz*
*Krrtz*"These guys are trying to 'rescue' Derpy?"*Krrtz*
*Krrtz*"Yeah!" *Crash* *Bang* *Grunts* *Pleads for mercy* *Ignored pleads* *Boom* "So, uh, what do you want to do? Stop them, or initiate Scenario Seven?"*Krrtz*
Le sigh... I was too tired for this shit... but, evil villain is evil, so...
*Krrtz*"Fuck it. Initiate Scenario Seven. I'll call Derpy and ask if she's good."*Krrtz*
*Krrtz*"Okay sir." "Ha! I missed one over here!" "WHY CAN'T I EVER CATCH A BREAK?!"*Krrtz*
Uuuggh, fuck, I was waaay too tired for this shit.
Blah blah blah I hear you ask me a question, blah blah blah Scenario Seven is me doing my thing, blah blah blah shut up and just read.
Meanwhile, in the super secret special underground Lieutenant Derpy Mansion of evil and awesomeness, the newly hired evil henchman/henchpony was getting a tour in her new deluxe upgraded home place, along with her two daughters.
"And in this room is the buffet area, where a team of a dozen chefs will work diligently to cook and serve anything you like, provided that you don't ask where it comes from. Even if you do ask, we couldn't answer anyway, since we have no clue where the heck they get the food and ingredients. I blame Connery for that. I swear, his back-pocket is some sort of freaking endless void of-"
And there goes the tour-guide, ranting his mechanical heart out once again.
"Where did you get the money to renovate our house into a Coffee-shop with a secret underground mansion, again?" The purple-ish pink-ish pony, who was obviously Sparkler, asked Derpy.
"I didn't! I-"
"A magical tree named Connery HappyTreeGuy gave all of this to us!" Dinky cheerfully answered.
Sparkler gave a dubious look at her little sister. "Uh-huh." She deadpanned, before turning back to her mother. "So, what really happened?"
"Ok, it was all very weird and strange. I met a tree, but then he turned out to be an alien, and then he offered me a job, so I said yes, and now we get a free mansion!" Derpy vaguely explained.
Sparkler just raised an eyebrow. "An alien... Forgive me if I feel a bit incredulous at the fact that, apparently, an alien showed up out of nowhere, and suddenly decided to give us a free mansion and... robot servants?" She glanced at the ranting robot as she said this.
"-Then there's the fact that he never goes to the toilet, which is really weird because how in the world does he get rid of his excess fluid inside his body?! I've never seen him use the toilet, ever! AND ANOTHER THING-"
"I know it's all strange and unbelievable. Heck, I'm still having some trouble believing it myself. I'm half expecting to wake up at some point, and realize that this could all just be an elaborate dream!" Derpy waved her hooves about to emphasize. "But I bet my bottom bit that this is all actually happening for real. A new higher-paying job, that also includes better housing, and free food-"
"Which was all provided by an alien." Sparkler added.
"Yeah, from an alien! It's like a dream come true!"
Sparkler sighed and tiredly rubbed her head, "I just- I don't know. This all seems too good to be true. There has to be something fishy going on here, some kind of catch... What exactly is your job?"
"Oh... Uh, well... I'm an Evil Lieutenant, a henchpony of the new Evil Lord Emperor, Connery NotEvilGuy?" Derpy answered sheepishly.
"..."
Derpy rubbed her forelegs awkwardly.
"I don't..." Sparkler shook her head tiredly.
"Yeah."
"It's probably better if I don't ask."
"Yeah..."
"ONE MORE THING-" *PiPiPiPiPi* "'Scuse me, I need to take this. *Beep* Yellow?"
*Fast paced and high-pitched gibberish.*
"Ahuh."
*Gibberish is somehow even faster.*
"Ahuh."
*More high-pitched gibberish here.*
"Yeah, no, I couldn't understand a single word you just said. All I'm hearing in my end is weird jittering noises, or something."
*WeeeeeScrakakakaPhwooshBeepbeepbeep* "~You've got to swing what you got to save your soooouul!~ Swing what you got 'fore it gets ooooold!~"
"No, now I'm just hearing music."
While this whole exchange was going on, the ponies just stared in confusion.
Sparkler rubbed her face, so very tiredly, before turning back Derpy again, "Look, I don't care, or want to know what you've just gotten us into, but as long as you don't do anything dangerous or stupid, I won't question our new..." She eyed the area, suspicion written on her face. "... luxurious living arrangements."
"I don't think you have to worry. All I have to do for my job is Lieutenant things, whatever that is, and take care of my own coffee shop! Ooh, I can make muffins as a living now!" Derpy gushed.
"Okay, Derpy, that was Connery. You're up for your first assignment as an Evil Lieutenant. It's gonna be dangerous, stupid, and won't involve anything with Lieutenant things, or the coffee shop."
Meanwhile...
Captain Duck was resting peacefully on a nice small bed, enjoying the scenery outside from the window.
This place was very lively, with lots of animals and critters moving about. Was this some sort of animal daycare center or something? Not bad, for some kind of strange alien planet.
Other than the other animals and pets occasionally bothering him- Hey, shoo, go on, go play with your friends- it had been very... calm and peaceful.
Hm. "Calm" and "peaceful." Words that he usually never associated himself with. Not because he didn't want to, but more like he had to, what with all the crime in Cluetopia, and having to stop that piece of shit, dumbass Connery every Saturday morning. There was rarely anytime for him to just sit down, relax, and just... pretend to be a normal duck.
In fact, sitting here, looking out the window, it kinda brought a bit of nostalgia. Some memories of the good old days, when he still had an owner, when he used to be a just a normal pet. Er, well, maybe not a normal pet. A normal pet didn't occasionally sneak out of the house and fight crime whenever his owner went to school. Heheh.
Some pleasant memories arose from his little duck mind. Memories of just sitting on his owner's lap, sleeping soundly as she caressed his back. Memories of her lovely and warm smile. Memories of when they first met. Those were better days...
...
Damn that Connery. Damn him for what he did to her. Damn him for betraying her.
He knew that the bastard was still alive. No matter what he did, every time Captain Duck tried to kill Connery NotEvilGuy, he would always somehow survive. No matter how many explosions or how many gunshots, that son of a bitch somehow lived. Who's to say that weird "portal gun thing" killed him? The fact that Captain Duck accidentally got sucked in after him and was still alive on an alien planet just proved his point.
One day, Captain Duck would do it though. One day, he will stop Connery. One day, he'd finally get his revenge...
Until then though, he was going to enjoy the peace and quiet here. He knew they'd see each other again. They always did.
MEANWHILE, IN THE SUPER SECRET AWESOME EVIL CAVE BASE OF EVIL
...
I have the urge to flashback.
I'mma flashback.
Long, long, but not exactly that long, ago, back in 2101
Cluetopia, Sector 6.
Childhood Park Factory.
"So, this is the place?" I scratched my head as I looked up from the map I was holding.
In front of me was the gate entrance that led to Sector 6's most profitable factory. Its gigantic size towered up all the way to the clouds. Its dark and gloomy appearance making it seem very intimidating, from where I was standing.
Hi, my name's Connery NotEvilKid. Age thirteen, fifth grade student of Wilhelm Scream Middle School, aspiring evil boy genius, out to become the Evil Emperor of The World. I'm on a mission to take down Cluetopia's largest moneymakers and assets, so it'll be easier for me to take over once I'm older.
During this age, I was still new to this whole evil business, compared to my fifteen year old self. I still had a lot to learn in the ways of 'Taking over the world' and 'Frying pans.'
"I expected it to feel... a lot more nostalgic. You know, hence the name, 'Childhood?'"
"~Well, considering how you acted back when you were seven, does this place really feel that different than your childhood?~"
*Insert terrible memories of orphans being forced to sing "It's A Hard Knock Life" over and over and over and over, every single god damn morning, oh god the memories burn-*
I shivered a bit, "Touche, oh father of mine."
The hearty chuckle emitted quietly through my ear-piece, "~You should have met yourself back then. It was just downright depressing and pitiful!~"
"Yeah, yeah, I was a sad little sap back then, so anyways, back on topic!"
"~Some questions you had?~"
"This factory was built above a park, right? The locals gave it an unofficial name, 'Childhood Factory,' which was named after the park. I read in the history books about how Chuck Norris II unintentionally created the park's pond while he was punching some terrorists-"
"~Okay, let me stop you right there.~" Dad interrupted me. "~You really need to stop reading those god damn 'How Cluetopia Came To Be' bullshit. Those books are nothing but just pure mindless crap. First of all, the pond that used to be there existed LONG before Chuck Norris even reincarnated. Chuck Norris II had nothing to do with the creation of that pond. It was obviously made from the wings of the original Aflac Duck, when Chuck Norris was still alive. Hence why the pond was filled with the rare white pekin ducks, all blood-related to the original Aflac Duck. What, you think those ducks existed out of nowhere, simply because Chuck Norris?~"
"Erm... sorta?"
"~... Well, yeah, okay, I guess that would seem like something Chuck Norris could do. But he didn't, is the point! Don't believe any of those fake facts from the stupid books.~"
"Jeez, how do you know all of this?"
"~Would you believe me if I said I was there, personally, when it happened?~"
"No, not really."
"~I'll just... not say that then.~"
"Yeah, okay, I'm just gonna go now."
"~Alright, now be careful. Remember all the tips and advice I gave you.~"
"Yes yes, don't look at explosions, only acknowledge pain when it's funny, and winners don't do drugs."
"~Atta boy.~"
Turning my ear piece off and throwing it over my shoulder as it started beeping, I walked to the gate, ignoring the random explosion and cat screeches behind me.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Isn't it a bit irresponsible for a parent to allow a child to go on such a dangerous and illegal activity?"
...
Shutup.
Opening the gate and walking in, the first thing I immediately noticed was the park's old pond. Instead of the beautiful blue and reflective quality it once had, it was now mucky and dirty and polluted to hell, devoid of all life.
"God, what did they do to this pond? Either they were making something extremely hazardous in this factory, or they literally dumped toxic waste into it just for shits and giggles." I said to myself.
As soon as I thought that, a janitor pushing a cart full of toxic waste showed up near the pond. He proceeded to kick the cart over, letting the fluid flow into the pond as it started glowing sickly green.
"Seriously?" I deadpanned, before walking over to the janitor guy.
Once I was near him, I tapped on his leg to get his attention. He looked down and gave me a surprised look. "Hm, watcha want boy? What's a young feller like you doing here?" He asked in a thick Sector Six-ern accent.
"Oh, pardon me, dear sir, I am but a humble little boy in search of his missing parents." If you didn't read this in a British accent, you're a liar. "You see, I was walking around with them, when all of the sudden, I got lost! I have nothing to navigate back home or to call them. I have no money, no food, no shelter, I have nothing."
"Hmm..." He gave me this accusing glare, "Technically, that officially makes you one of them homoless urchins. Are you one of them disgusting homoless? Them TV people always warned us of you homoless people, poisoning our country with your 'laziness' and your 'no money.' Why I oughta be kicking you with a bat!"
If you asked me why I wanted to be evil, THIS is pretty much the reason why.
"Well actually sir, I do have one last thing left." I reached into my back pocket.
"Yea? Wazzat?"
"The element... of SAHPRAAAISE! (surprise.)" I pulled out a frying pan and bashed his face.
*CLONK*
"AAAAAGH! MY NOSE! MY NOSE, WHY?!" He yelled, crouching down and holding his face in pain.
"Well that's strange... Usually, that would render you unconscious." I held my chin, observing the guy.
"OH GOD! I THINK YOU BROKE MY NOSE! IT'S BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!"
"Hmm... I got it, maybe if I try hitting the back of your head?"
*CLONK*
"AAAGH THE BACK OF MY HEAD"
"No, that didn't work either. The side, then?"
*CLONK*
"OOOOWW!"
Good news, I knocked the guy unconscious, and I was now wearing his clothes to sneak into the factory!
Bad news, I think I may have accidentally bludgeoned him to near death, to the point that he might have brain damage.
"I'm just gonna... non-conspicuously... drag his body towards that dumpster... la la la humming la." I sang non-conspicuously as I dragged the unconscious janitor away.
Now that I had properly and intentionally put his body in an uncomfortable position inside a dumpster, it was time to do sneaky spy stuff!
Wearing a $5 fake mustache to match with my disguise, I pushed the janitor cart thingy with me as I walked inside the factory.
"Jim, is that you? How did you get so short all of a sudden? And when did you grow a mustache?"
"Um... Cancer."
"... Oh, okay. Sorry to hear that."
I successfully passed through security with my convincing silver tongue.
Nodding at the guard, I quickly strolled past and walked to the main room of the factory building.
Inside, the room was bustling with factory workers and machinery and all other loads of random crap that I really didn't care about. Ceiling had these deadly sentries that shot deadly stuff, and there were giant robots that were building things. Not unexpected for a valuable factory to be guarded by top-quality machinery, but retarded guards. What they were making that was being so profitable, I didn't have a damn clue. I don't think even the workers here knew either.
"Hey Jerry, I've always wondered, what the heck are we making in this factory?" Unimportant Background Character asked his friend.
"Uh... I don't know, John... It's some kind of... er... thing?" His friend replied.
"... Yeah Jerry, 'it's some kind of thing.' That's really informative of you. Totally specific."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"No Jerry, I'm using sarcasm. To make fun of you."
"Oh... Okay."
"Why the hell do I even bother talking to you?"
Seriously, what the fuck were they making in this factory? Why was it so secretive that not even the workers who mass-produce them know what they are?
Hm... Welp, my curiosity had been piqued. New first order of business, find out what this factory was making. Second order of business, shut down or destroy it! Or preferably both!
I continued my investigation. Pushing the cart along, I moved past all the machinery and ignored all the workers, intending to sneak further into the factory and find out all of its secrets.
I passed by Unimportant Background Character, and to my dismay, he noticed me.
"Hey Jim, is that you? Listen, I got a few tickets to tonight's-"
*CLONK*
"OW! WHAT THE HELL MAN-"
*CLONK*
"AGH, THE BACK OF MY HEAD!"
*CLONK* *CLONK* *CLONK*
The cartoons made the frying pan thing look a lot easier than it really was.
I whistled non-conspicuously down the east hall, pushing along my janitor cart filled with (hopefully) unconscious bodies.
I had no choice but to knock them all out! They started a conversation with me, and that obviously meant they knew I was in a disguise! That, and I also possibly, maybe, probably just wanted to hit them in the head with a frying pan... for practice... yeah.
It's a good thing that everyone here was more stupid than normally, for some odd reason.
Hm, what was it that Dad called it? Something something plot convenience?
Ah whatever, let's just keep moving. See if I can find some kind of Information Office or something.
Meanwhile... er, again... in the current timeline... or is it future-past? I seriously have no idea anymore. Is this whole story all just a bunch of old memories that Connery and his friends are all just reminiscing around a table in the future? Is it taking place in the present where Connery is planning to take over Equestria? Does anyone care? I am so confused.
Captain Duck, while enjoying the outdoor scenery, never expected an advertisement flyer to hit him in the face.
When he tried to shake it free, he also never expected it to have these specific sentences on it.
"Hey. You're a loser." It started out.
Well, okay then. This was a weird and horrible advertisement technique.
"You wanna know who wrote that sentence in this flyer? Connery NotEvilGuy."
"Quack?!"
"You wanna know where to find him?"
"QUACK!!"
"At your local evil coffee shop, of course! Come to our newly opened 'Evil Coffee Shop!' Invite your friends, your family, your family's friends, your friend's family, your friend's friends, your family's family! Buy some of our coffee today! ... Oh, and also something about your revenge with Connery. Okay, BYE!"
A sudden gust of wind blew the alluring and kinda-attractive flyer away from Duck's grasp.
With steel determination in his eyes, Captain Duck stood up straight on his two webbed duck feet of duckness.
'Quack. Quack. QUACK.'
Meanwhile in the flashback-flashback... again.
"Quack quack." A very cute and adorable non-sentient white pekin duck quacked in it's cage.
A young man wearing glasses and a scientist lab coat sighed as he opened the cage and carried the duck to a science table of sciencey stuff.
"I just can't believe this..." The man muttered under his breath.
His coworker, a dark-skinned girl with long raven hair, noticed his muttering and asked, "What's up, Jeil? Haven't seen you this down since your new hover-car got destroyed."
Jeil groaned even louder.
The coworker waved her hands in front of her, "Alright, alright. Sorry, bad way to put things. But seriously though, what's eating you?"
"It's just... What are we even doing here, Jeeva? What's the point of all of this?" Jeil asked slowly.
"Uh, what do you mean?"
"We're killing an endangered species!" Jeil suddenly shouted, "Do you know how many white pekin ducks are left in the world? Six years ago, there were only forty of them left. Forty healthy, thriving white pekin ducks that were so close to repopulating the world again, and they were all living peacefully in Childhood Park's pond. The rarest duck species in the world, and they used to live here!" He paused for a moment, before continuing. "Do you know how many are left now? After the mayor decided it was a good idea to place a factory in this park? Seven. We've killed thirty-three white pekin ducks, just to build this stupid factory!"
Jeil kicked a piece of machinery, emphasizing his distaste for the factory building. Jeeva backed off slightly as the machine sparked, giving a shocked "Whoa!" in response.
"And then, for some damn reason, we had to start experimenting on the last seven white pekin ducks in existence! Experiments that killed five more pekin ducks, meaning there's only two left in the world! Why are we doing this? What kind of factory needs us to inject a bunch of random lethal chemicals into the last line of a rare species, and write down what happens? What are they trying to accomplish?!?"
"Okay, look just, maybe calm down a bit?" Jeeva asked in soothing tone, hoping to sedate Jeil from his sudden outburst. "I don't know where this came from, but you got to get a grip. You can't go around shouting things like this, or you might get fired. We should be considered lucky that this factory even exists, because if it didn't, we wouldn't have any jobs right now." She reprimanded, "Do you even know how much this factory has helped our economy? Sector Six would have turned into a disgusting pigsty filled to the brim with disgusting and lazy homeless people."
Jeil grunted, "How though? Why? Do you know how this factory is so profitable? Do you even know what the workers here are making?"
Jeeva opened her mouth to answer, but slowly closed it when she realized that she didn't actually know the answer. "I... I don't..."
"Exactly. We don't know. We don't know what we're making, we don't know why the stuff we're making is so profitable, we don't know how this factory works, we don't even know why we're experimenting on these ducks. In the six years that this place existed, it's still a complete mystery. It- it doesn't even have an official name! Am I the only sane person here? Why isn't anyone else questioning this place?"
"... Even if you did find out the answers, what would you do then?"
"I... I would... Shit... I don't know."
There was an uncomfortable silence in the air. Jeil wanted to question everything, about his job, about his boss, but he knew he couldn't do it. So he slowly started losing hope, because he probably never will.
Jeeva was slowly starting to realize how suspicious everything was, and asking herself why she didn't realize any of this until Jeil pointed it out. She was starting to get curious about getting answers as well.
A sudden quack broke the tense silence that the two scientists built up. They both looked over the duck that was supposed to be injected with the chemicals that they were supplied with.
Jeil sighed once more, "We have to get back to work, don't we?"
Jeeva nodded, emotionless. "Yeah... I need to wrap my head around things for a bit though..."
Jeeva walked back to her spot of the sciencey computer of researching science stuff. Jeil dreaded what he was about to do again, tugging on his sterile gloves and pulling out a needle syringe. He gave a sad frown towards the duck, and as he slowly filled the syringe, he whispered, "I'm sorry for this..."
He walked up to the duck, which was surprisingly more docile than the others, and held it gently, preparing himself to inject the needle.
Then the door was kicked open.
"Is this the restroom, or the place that has all of the classified information and top secret shit that I'm looking for? I'm desperate for either!"
Is that a white pekin duck? Is that a scientist trying to put a needle in the white pekin duck? The fuck does a factory need scientists for? The fuck does a factory need the white pekin ducks for?
The fuck about the factory in general?
"What the... what are you doing here? Who let you in?" Guy with glasses asked me.
QUICK, THINK OF A LIE.
"Cancer." WRONG LIE.
"What?"
"I'm the... custodian guy. Apparently named Jim."
After this, he would say 'Oh ok,' and then I would suddenly beat his head with a frying pan for no reason.
"Uh, no you're not. You're a child wearing an over-sized custodian outfit and a fake mustache. How did you get in here?"
Oh balls, he was actually capable of being intelligent! My frying pan would be worthless against him! Abort mission, take evasive action, kidnap all the witnesses, sacrifice the women and children first, sell your souls to the yuri gods-
"Why is there a kid in the laboratory? Who let him in here?" A girl with dark hair came in the room.
"I don't know how he got in here, but some idiot is obviously responsible for letting him in. I'm calling security."
How do you handle smart people again?! Wait, I remember!
Scene transition
"Yes, I'd like to buy a 'cheap cop-out,' please. Extra 'What am I doing.'"
"Of course sir. Your drink will be ready in a moment."
"STOP IGNORING ME YOU METAL BUCK HEAD!"
More scene transition
And now they are tied up with duct tape.
"MMMMPH!" "MMPH MPH!"
"Sorry, I can't hear you over the duct tape covering your mouths. And heads. And bodies. Can't hear you over the duct tape in general."
"MMMMMPH"
Heh.
So was this place, like, the forbidden secret experimentation room of conspiracies or something? This factory just kept raising more and more questions.
"Quack."
There was also the matter of the duck being tested here. Again, what kind of factory experiments on ducks? What were they even trying to accomplish? The fuck were they making in this factory?
Well, now that I was here, time to touch and break things to learn more about them.
Petting the cute, non-sentient duck, I picked up and studied the syringe that the guy was just about to inject into it.
"Hey, what's in this stuff?" I asked the struggling scientists that were covered in duct tape, forgetting momentarily that they were covered in duct tape.
"MMMMM-mmmph..." Knowing that no amount of struggling could possibly help them break free from the all-powerful duct tape, they stopped their futile attempts and became silent.
"Okay, cool. I'll just figure it out myself then."
Any experimentation would have to have some kind of record of results and other informative information, right? Wonder if there's some kind of checklist, record book, or something...
Looking around, I noticed that there were a bunch of computers in the room. Probably for science reasons. One of them had to have access to the data about the stuff here, I was sure.
Opening up a random one, the login screen asked for a username and password. Which I did not know. Shit.
"I don't suppose you'll just kindly give me the username and password if I unwrapped the duct tape covering your mouth?"
While the girl scientist remained silent, I think the guy muffled a sarcastic retort.
I took that as initiative to unwrap the duct tape from his mouth.
*RIP*
"AGH! That freaking hurts!"
*More ripping*
"Owowowowowow"
Hm... I think I may have overused the duct tape.
I threw away the last bits of duct tape, and talked to the red-faced scientist in the... red-face.
"Sorry. What were you saying?"
"I said, 'Oh gee, whatever made you think that we wouldn't want to help you? It's not like you broke into our classified room, kidnapped us, and tied us up with duct tape!'" He said in a heavily sarcastic tone.
"Oh. Is that all? I'll just put the duct tape back on then-"
"WAIT WAIT, Okay okay okay- I'll be quiet!"
"Goody." I walked back to the computer again.
Hm... Let's see... Dad actually taught me an exploit to all Window Mac Os X50 P9 computers...
Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Task Manager. Window Mac button. Run cmdprmpt.
'Access admin acc'
Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word!
'Access admin acc plz'
Well, since you asked so nicely...
AAAAAaaaaaand, boom. Sweetness.
Username: ImDaMayorMuahaha
Password: turnips557
A beep there, a boopity bop here, and I'm in. HA! First password cracking, NEXT ROBOT ARMY!
Hm... I guess the first thing to find out was who these two scientists were.
As I was working my magic, I heard the guy whisper to the girl about trying to find a way to escape their duct tape prison.
"Psst. Jeeva. Can you try to somehow free us? I'll keep the kid distracted for as long as I can."
I heard a rustle. She probably nodded.
Jeeva, huh? That... is a stupid name. I mean, who has a name like that? Jee-vah. The j really ruins it.
"So, uh... You're pretty good with computers for a young boy. Were you trained?" The guy scientist tried to distract me by starting a conversation.
"That's the first thing you ask? If I was trained to hack computers?" I asked incredulously, "You aren't going to ask how I infiltrated the factory? Or why I'm so awesome at infiltrating, despite being a kid? Or questioning why I'm infiltrating it in the first place?"
"Erm... Well, I guess those are valid questions, but you probably wouldn't answer them if I asked anyway."
"Knocked out a janitor named Jim and took his clothes. Everyone here was surprisingly dumb, so it was easy. I wanted to find out why this factory was so secretive that not even the workers here knew what they were making."
"... You're very forthcoming with these answers."
"These answers aren't really complicated to find out. You know, unlike this super secretive factory, with the super secretive experimenting on ducks, and the super secret reason why this factory rakes in billions of dollars, despite everyone not knowing what the hell the factory is selling."
"You're... not the only one trying to figure out what's going on." I think he said that more to himself than to me.
Oh yay, I found the employee database. Now I could figure out who the heck these two scientists were.
The girl's name was Jeeva, right? I could try to search for her first then.
Clicking on the link, it redirected me to a search site for the employees of the factory. A hundred and twenty employees. Page one out of fifty-seven.
Lemme just push the J button here-
A hundred and twenty employees. Page one out of fifty-seven.
Wat.
Wait a minute...
I scrolled down the long long list of employees and realized the most horrifying truth about the workers here....
Every single worker here had a name that starts with J. Wat da faaack.
"John, Johnny, Jaune, Jim, Jeane, James, Jeorgia, Jannable, Jake, Jimmy, Jistopher, Jarl, Jabrina-" I mean, seriously, what? Some of these names are just regular non-J names with their first letter replaced with J!
Did this place just hire anyone with the letter J in their name? No checking backgrounds or work resume, just 'Oh, you have a J in your name, you're hired!'
"Hey, you with the glasses. If your friend's name is Jeeva, then what's yours?" I asked.
"Uh... It-it's Jeil?"
...
"Hm, I guess that would probably explain why most of the people who work here are so incompetent. Although, my theory that they all drank the pond water is still up for debate..." I muttered to myself.
Welp, I had absolutely no leads on what to do next. I might as well mess around until something important comes up.
Maybe I could fire everyone here so that they leave the factory. It would make it easier to blow the place up.
I wonder if I could hack the microphone here or something...
"Hello? Hello, hello, testing, one two three. Is this thing on? I think I'm too far away to hear myself."
The hard working J's stopped their work to turn and listen to the strange call on the speakers.
"Uh, um... due to, er.... f-federal- yeah, Federal reasons, I must announce that everyone with names that start with the letter J, must leave the premise immediately, and to never come back. Er... Because you're all fired. Yeah... So, uh, good luck with that. Bye."
An uncomfortable silence lingered as everyone processed the news.
Then, one background character shouted what they were all thinking at that exact moment.
"WELL, SHIT."
That was easy enough. Employee database was demolished. What now?
Hm...
Ooh, maybe steal some of the experimenting data and get some insight on what the hell they needed duck experimentation for.
As I began to press various buttons and hope for the best, Jeil tried to initiate conversation with me again, hoping that it could lead my attention away from Jeeva, who was trying to cut herself free with a syringe that was on the floor.
The fact that I just described Jeeva trying to cut herself free with a syringe on the floor told me that Jeil sucked at his job.
I like these guys.
"So... what are you going to do if you find out what's going on in this factory?" He asked, distracting me, yet also probably curious himself. "Are you a government spy? Sent to uncover possible illegal activities being performed here?"
"Pfft, government spy?" I scoffed, as I tried to get past the security Pong mini-game.
"Well, yeah. That's the only logical explanation I could come up with. Normal kids aren't exactly versatile with infiltration or computer hacking. Obviously, you had to be government trained."
He said to the kid that snuck in by wearing a five dollar mustache and an overlarge janitor outfit, and was currently playing Pong to hack into the computers.
"Right." I replied simply. "Government trained. In a certain specific non-existent perspective, you'd be absolutely correct."
I gave a small glance at him to see him raising his eyebrows, but he didn't ask me to elaborate.
"To answer your earlier question," I started, "Once I find out how this factory is making so much money, legally or not, I'm gonna blow it up."
"WHAT?!" "MMPH?!"
"What? What's the problem?" I asked as I finally beat the Pong mini-game, Four-to-Five.
While Jeil just seemed shocked about my plans, Jeeva looked like she was in sheer panic, and threw all subtlety out the window as she tried to cut off her duct-tape even faster than before. She really shouldn't have worried, it wasn't like any of us would be inside when it exploded. I was an insane and evil kid on a quest of world domination, not a murderer. Sheesh.
"You-You're just gonna blow it up?! But what about the people inside, and the- and the-"
"Jesus, calm down! I'm not gonna kill anyone! I'll blow the factory up long after everyone is gone!" I explained to the hyperventilating scientist.
Although that seemed to calm Jeil down, Jeeva was still panicking for some odd reason, not even slowing down for a second.
Fiiine, access granted... freaking cheater...
The AI was a sore loser.
Let's dig through some files, shall we...
Duck experimentation, chemical reactions, ingredients include... cyanide, nicotine, strychnine, digoxin, insert more scientific crap here...
"Ok, but still! I could understand if you were gonna do it if it turns out the factory was illegal, but why would you blow it up anyway if it was legitimate?!"
"Because," I elaborated, "I don't like it."
Goal of the experimentation was...
'I want a duck with super powers as a pet. Cuz I'm da mayor. Muahaha.'
...
And he gave these scientists a bunch of poisonous chemicals to inject into ducks.
So that they may turn into super ducks.
Sometimes, I felt like I was the only sane man in the world. But then I realized, I assaulted twenty three people with a frying pan, wore an over-sized janitor outfit and a fake mustache to sneak into a factory, on a mission to blow up said factory. Then I just felt disappointed that I was surprised by this in the first place.
To make up for it, I was gonna one-up the dumbass who thought this was possible by proving it was possible.
You hear that little ducky? You're gonna get super powers out of spite! Isn't that great?
"What do you mean 'because you don't like it?!'" Oh right, forgot about them for a second.
"Well, there's plenty of reasons why I don't like it. This factory was built over a cherished national pond without the people's consent. Not only that, but the people who built it also abducted a nearly extinct duck species for experimentation. It's secretive to the point that it could be considered a government building, selling unknown items while raking in cash by the second."
"Well... I..." Jeil hesitated as he seemingly started to agree that my words had merit to them.
"Legit or not, it's obviously doing something shifty under the people of Cluetopia's noses, and if the government gave the factory consent, then that just proves how much our government is just a big giant corrupted piece of shit-
*guncock* "I've had enough of your disrespectful actions tonight, you terrorist."
WAIT HOLY SHIT IS THAT A GUN I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN-
I mean, I totally knew she was gonna break free at some point, BUT I DIDN'T THINK SHE WOULD PULL OUT A GUN ON ME- THIS ISN'T RATED T FOR POTTY-MOUTH NONSENSE AT ALL.
"Oh god, is that a gun? I'm gonna turn around, and I'm just gonna hope that it's not a gun." I turned around very slowly, and saw a gun in my face. "God dammit, it's a gun."
Jeeva stared down at me with a pissed off face, one that could only be matched by its scariness in the future when I met Celestia and her scary glare of scariness.
"Woah, Jeeva, what are you doing?!" The still-tied-up male scientist shouted as he rolled around on the floor.
"What do you think I'm doing?! I'm trying to stop the Hintnopolis Terrorist!" She shouted back, still pointing the gun at my face.
Hintnopolis, the neighboring country that Cluetopia was at war with? What convenient exposition.
"Jeeva, you're pointing a gun at a kid!" Jeil pointed out.
"This so called 'kid' is obviously a Hintnopolis-trained spy! He's trying to blow up the factory, which is the only reason why the Cluetopia economy is still thriving!" She retorted. Then she glared back at me, "I mean, just listen to him! He keeps spouting out all the lies that the Hintnopolis people were always saying about our country! Saying about how corrupted our governments are, how incompetent we are, while THEY are the ones trying to bomb and kill all of us!"
Oh god, she was one of those people, wasn't she.
"Admit it! You're just trying to bomb this factory so that it would ruin our economy, and slowly turn Cluetopia into a filthy and lazy country filled with nothing but homeless people!"
Yep, she was one of those 'the homeless and the terrorists are making this country worse, not our government' people.
Man, I hate these kinds of people. Always watching the TV news and believing anything they say, always believing everything on the internet articles.
Thankfully, I had a great fool-proof psychological technique to make these people see the errors of their ways. It was 100% scientifically proven.
"Hey, uh, before you do anything, can I ask you a few questions? How do you define 'homeless?'"
"What are you going on about?" Jeeva glared suspiciously at me.
"Honest question. It'll make sense when you answer." I told her.
"A homeless person is a person with no home that leeches off responsible people to survive." She answered.
"Okay then. How do you earn honest money?"
"Obviously, you get a job and work for it."
"Why do people hate the homeless?" I continued.
"Where is this going?" She impatiently asked me.
"People hate the homeless because they have no money, right?" I diverted her back into my line of questions.
"Yes?" She quirked her eyebrow.
"Why do people not hire homeless people?"
"Because they hate the homeless."
"Why do they hate the homeless?"
"Because they don't have money."
"Why don't they have money?"
"Because they have... no... jobs..." Now we're getting somewhere.
"Why do they have no jobs?"
"Because we won't hire them..." I see it in your eyes, you can work this out!
"Why don't we hire them?"
"Because... we hate them..." I stopped at this point and let her figure this conundrum by herself. "And... since we hate them, we won't hire them... and they won't have jobs... which means they won't have money... which was the reason why we- oh god."
See? 100% science proven.
Jeeva weakly dropped her gun and fell to her knees, a look of realization and a stream of tears on her face. "Oh my god, and I kicked a kid down just a week ago for asking me for change."
"And you should feel bad about that, you horrible person." I cheerfully told her as I patted her head.
Aaand she was sobbing.
I did not know how to handle people who cry, so I awkwardly looked at Jeil, silently telling him to do something.
Jeil directed my attention to his entire body, which was still covered in duct tape.
Hm, I'd say he was trustworthy enough to not pull out a surprise shotgun behind my back. I'll help him free.
*Ripping 2: The Revenge* "Owowowowow-"
"Alright, go comfort your friend."
As Jeil quickly went to calm the wallowing Jeeva, I headed back to the computer to see if I could squeeze out some more info from it. Maybe I could finally find out what this factory was producing.
Moments after moments passed, unfruitful attempts after attempts, the cries of anguish and guilt had finally passed and a dead uncomfortable silence filled the room.
Sheesh, this thing was incredibly secret. Like, beyond government secret. Like, Area 51 1/2 secret.
The hell were they making?
"So, what happens now?" Jeeva asked hoarsely.
Hm? Oh right, those guys were still there.
I glanced back, seeing Jeil crouching next to a wet-eyed Jeeva.
"Eh. Stuff happens." I shrugged. After realizing that the computer wouldn't give me access to the secretive secrets of the factory, I just decided to give up. Who cared what they were making, I was gonna blow this place up anyway. I just hope they weren't making anything that'll make my quest for world domination harder.
Somewhere out there in the rich sectors of Cluetopia, I faintly heard evil cackling.
Turning off the computer, I turned around to face the scientist people. "I think that you guys should quit your jobs and go home. Watch some cartoons, and check out the news later tonight. Then, go to the nearest alleyway and say sorry to all the homeless people you probably punched in the face in your life."
Jeeva cringed as she became interested in the details of the floor.
I didn't even say that in a harsh tone. Guess she really felt guilty after I logic-bombed her.
"So, you're really gonna blow this factory up." Jeil stated, rubbing Jeeva's back.
I smiled and nodded, "Eyup."
"You're... not a normal kid, you know that?" He pointed out.
"I'm pretty sure we have established that already, yes." I nodded again.
I donned my ultra-disguising mustache of five dollars, and went to leave the room so that I could begin the process of 'blowing the shit out of this place with lots of C4.'
Before I could, however, Jeeva shambled to stand behind me and shouted at me to stop. "Wait, wait!"
"Hm? What?"
"I still have so many questions to ask! Why do you need to blow the factory up? What will happen to the economy? Are you a terrorist? Are you a hero? Who do you work for? I'm still so confused!" She stammered, hoping I would provide insight to ease her nerves.
Hm... My next choice of words would have to be expositionary, and awesome-like.
Maybe, a huge giant speech about the evils of the world? Greed and corruption controlling our government? About how this world had given up on heroes and shunned them, and how only a villain might perform change in the world? About how I, Connery NotEvilGuy, would one day be the one and only evil being in this world, who will rid those more evil than me?
...
Nah.
"Yes." I explained vaguely. Then, with dramatic flair, I shouted, "I am now going to leave!" So I did just that. With extra smoke bomb for good measure.
As my new acquaintances coughed violently from the unexpecting move, I quickly used my chance to escape and fled from the room, making my way towards the place where I'd place my... explodey stuff to make stuff explode. Yeah.
Running out to the hallway and towards the place where I'd place my explodey stuff to make stuff explode, I wondered if I'd ever see those two again. They were interesting people, even if they had stupid names. Jeil seemed to be one of the more open-minded people that I've met in a long time, and actually took the time to have questions and doubts. Jeeva was very strong in her feeling of what was right or wrong, if a bit naive and easily convinced on which was which. But still, they were more interesting than Unimportant Background Character and his friends.
Sadly, the chances that I'd ever see them again were probably slim. I probably wouldn't see them again for a long long- Shit I forgot to bring the duck.
"That- *cough cough* -jerk! He just- *hack* -left!" Jeeva wheezed out.
She and Jeil coughed feverishly from the surprise distraction that Connery initiated to commence his somewhat excessive escape. After the smoke died down, the coughing wore out as well. Jeeva and Jeil waved off the last remnants of smoke, as they lay there in the room, silent and still processing the events that had just happened moments ago.
Jeeva was left with many questions that she desperately wanted answers to. From just a short and brief meeting with a strange boy, her entire life was changed. The meaning of what was right and wrong seemed jumbled, as this new idea of homeless people actually being victims, instead of money-leeching scum, contradicted to what she had been taught her entire life. Schools, college, television, media, culture, society, they all taught her about the evils of being poor and homeless. The evils of how humans who have nothing will dedicate their entire existence just to steal from others. Could it be that this whole entire time, homeless people were just regular people, subjugated by the rich and powerful and greedy? Could it be, that she was not the victim, but the actual REAL scum of society?
Yes. Obviously.
But before she could dwell on her stupid questions further, Jeil pulled Jeeva up by her arm. "Come on, we should probably leave. The kid said that he'll blow up this place soon, right? I don't like the idea of being caught up in an explosion anytime soon, so let's get outta here!" He urged her, smiling.
Jeeva was surprised at how happy Jeil was, despite the situation. In fact, he almost seemed excited at the prospect of his work place being blown up.
This somewhat irked her.
"Jeil, are you actually looking forward to seeing this place blown up?" She asked incredulously.
Jeil coughed and scratched the back of his neck, and sheepishly answered, "Well, sort of. Maybe. Yes. But you can't really blame me, I've hated this place ever since we first started working here! All the secrecy, and the endangered duck experimenting- And now there's a person, maybe even a group of people out there that see what I see, and are DOING something about it instead of just sucking it up and letting the guys in charge get away with it!"
Jeeva looked away, still torn and confused between what was right and wrong. "But... is it the right thing to do? Will this actually help anyone at all, or is this just mindless violence?"
"Jeeva..." Jeil sighed and crouched back down in front of Jeeva again. He paused a moment, before answering, "In this world, sometimes there's no such thing as absolute good. Sometimes, the only way to face evil is to be a little evil yourself. But as long as we can get rid of the greater evil, we'll make the world a better place. Even if people won't realize what your intentions are, even if people won't appreciate what you've done, even if people hate your guts, it takes a brave and humble person to endure all that and still save the very same people from getting hurt."
"Jeil..." Jeeva breathed out in surprise. "That was... surprisingly thought-out and deep, coming from you. I'd never expect to hear you say something like that."
"What? You never expected me to be smart and deep?" Although his tone sounded indignant, his playful smile showed he was only joking.
Jeeva, seeming a lot calmer now, answered teasingly with, "Well, I did help you cheat in college-"
In which Jeil interrupted abruptly by pulling Jeeva onto her feet and dragging her out the hallway, "Yeah yeah, that doesn't prove anything now let's just get out of here."
Jeeva laughed as she ran through the hallways with Jeil pulling her along.
Although she felt like everything she knew and learned about life had been a lie, she felt a little bit better with Jeil alongside her. Maybe the revelation that being mean to homeless people made her a bad person would change her life forever, but at least she wouldn't suffer all by herself. Jeil would be there to calm her down.
Though, there was still a lingering question in that little head of hers...
Will she ever meet that kid again?
She wanted to ask him more about who he was, about why he was doing all this. She wanted to have answers to bring her closure... But she knew, deep in her heart, that she would probably never see him again.
After this, he could be anywhere. He could be in different sectors of Cluetopia, or even a different country entirely.
Just then, something whipped past her. "OHAI GUYS, GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE DOING BETTER JEEVA, PARDON ME."
...
Yep, that would probably be the last time she ever saw him. There would be no way to see him ever again-
"OK BYE GUYS, THANKS FOR THE DUCK."
"Quack"
"Ok, that's it. I'm following that kid before I lose track of him again." She declared, before dashing ahead of Jeil and leaving him to the dust.
"Wait, hold up! Jeeva!" Jeil wailed, running after her.
"This just in on Sector 6 news! It appears that an explosion has just occurred! The factory that was built on top of the old beloved Childhood Park, which unofficial name is the 'Childhood Factory,' was recently a victim to some sort of terrorist attack. We now go live on the scene. Take it away Samantha!"
"Thanks Phil. I am currently at the front gates of the factory, which as you can see is set aflame. Firemen are on the scene, doing their best to contain the fire, but judging by the intensity of the flames, it's only a matter of time before the whole place could come crashing down. Miraculously, there has been no reports of deaths. It seems almost as if everyone who was an employee here had left their jobs prematurely, just in time to avoid their possibly violent and grim deaths. Although, curiously enough, officials have reported finding a custodial trash-bin that contained multiple unconscious bodies of the factories employees. All of them are alive, with some only having minor head injuries and bruises. When questioned how they came to be unconscious and injured in the first place, and to what could have caused the factory explosion, they claimed to having no memories of how either took place. But, one of the victims claimed that he was assaulted by a homeless child with a frying pan. Here is the footage."
"It was them homoless varmints I tells ya! Der was dis kid, he was mighty suspicious lookin', I tell you what. I let mah guard down for just a sec, and out of nowhere, he pulled out this goddam frying pan and smacked my noggin repeatedly! I bet that kid was why the factory exploded! He was one of them terrorist! A terrorist I tells ya!"
I opened the door to my home, tiredly greeting my dad, who was sitting on the couch while watching the TV and drinking beer.
"Hey kiddo. Looks like our stunt got the media's attent- What are you carrying?"
I looked down at the cute white pekin duck in my arms. "Quack."
"Okay, so, you know how I plan to become the Evil Lord Emperor of Cluetopia when I grow up?" I asked him.
"Yeeeaaahh?"
"Okay, so bare with me..." I paused for dramatic effect... "Super Powered Animal Arch-nemesis!"
...
...
Dad put down his beer, and gave me his full attention. He cleared his throat, before asking, "What?"
"The Saturday morning cartoons do it all the time! A super powered animal that fights crime and evildoers, while also pretending to live a life as a simple house pet! I want to turn this rare and nearly extinct duck into my own super hero arch-nemesis!"
"Quack."
Dad just blankly stared at me for a moment, before exasperatedly rubbing his forehead. Whether it was because of my brilliant idea or because he was drunk was up for debate.
Just as he was about to say something in response, the TV switched to a toy commercial, with over the top electronic music and flashing colors that made my eyes hurt a bit.
"Introducing the NEW, EXCITING, YOLO-tastic action figure of the CENTURY!"
"C-C-C-CEEENTURY!"
An image of a toy Chuck Norris came on the screen, with it's hand swinging up and down.
"It's the AMAZINGLY NEW Chuck Norris II ACTION FIGURE, with full karate-chopping skills that will pulverize your ENEMIES!"
The scene showed the Chuck Norris toy chopping a cardboard monster, and after that was some very large and unnecessary amounts of explosions.
"Not only that, but he also talks! Listen and follow his SWAGLICIOUS advice and life lessons!"
*Presses button*
"Obey your government."
"Destroy all Hintnopolis pigs."
"Homeless people are the problem."
The commercial abruptly ended when Dad threw his remote control at the TV with enough force to pierce through it, and indent the remote in the wall behind it.
"Fucking sellout..." Dad grumbled before facing me again. "What were we talking about again?"
"Can I keep the duck so that I can give it superpowers and make it become my arch-nemesis, please please please?" I begged him, giving my most evilest puppy dog eyes of evil.
He thought about it for a moment, before answering, "Well... I don't know son. I mean, having an arch-nemesis is a big responsibility."
"I promise to be just like the bad guys in the Saturday morning cartoons, and let it win and come back every week!"
"It's not just that, Connery. When you give it powers, you have to make sure it'll use their powers for good, otherwise you'll just make another villain! Not only that, but you have to find it a good owner that'll take care of it regularly."
"I'm sure that I can get it to become a superhero by using the power of science! And an owner can be easily found! I just have to do background checks on any potential pet owners to make sure they won't mistreat it, and I'll be good to go!"
Dad soaked in my words for a bit, tilting his head back and forth in contemplation.
I was leaning in trepidation, wishing that he'd just answer already.
The duck quacked. "Quack."
"Hm... Alright. But only because I think super powered ducks are awesome, especially ones related to the Aflac duck himself, and I also trust you."
"YAY! I'm gonna do science stuff right now! Be right back!" I cheered, quickly going down to the Evil Laboratory of Evil while holding on to my soon-to-be rival!
Meanwhile, Dad chuckled to himself as he watched me leave. "You picked the right kid, John." He told himself proudly.
He sat back on the couch and popped open another beer bottle, before going back to his TV- "Oh right."
The TV sparked through the gaping hole.
"*sigh...* And I just bought this to replace the one from last time..."
Back in the Present/Future/Future-Present/Present-Future/Whatever
IN THE DISTANT FAR FUTURE
Evil Lord Emperor's Lounge in Canterlot
"After getting permission from my father, I quickly began my scientific research as to how to give a nearly extinct duck species superpowers. The formula wasn't really that hard to figure out, all I had to do was replace all of the poisonous components with... you know, things that WEREN'T poisonous. Not long after, I was able to perfect the serum to give Captain Duck his super powers. Before that though, I had to vigorously train his mentality so that Captain Duck wouldn't become a super-villain instead. That was also quite easy too, I'll have to admit. I just stuck him in a room that played non-stop superhero cartoons for about a month. He was very impressionable back then.
"With the preparations complete, it was finally time. I injected the serum into his bloodstream... and then I kinda lost him for few months."
"What? How did that happened?!" Twilight spoke up in surprise. The others raised their eyebrows at me, pretty much wondering the same thing.
"Pfft, no clue." I shrugged. "He kinda exploded, and then there was a hole in my ceiling, I just kinda assumed I accidentally killed the last white pekin duck in existence. No need to worry though, because a few months after that, I found him again. Or rather, he found me. During one of my Evil Operations of Doom, he showed up out of nowhere and kept beating the ever living crap out of me, his signature cape and all. It also turns out that he found his own place and owner to take care of him. I actually forgot that one of the side effects of having superpowers was sentience, so I was worried about him for nothing. So, yippee, I got my wish for an arch-nemesis!"
"Bet that bit you in the hindquarters." Applejack laughed.
I chuckled, "Oh, you have no idea. Every single god damn Saturday morning..."
Our weekly group get-together was briefly interrupted when the alarm sounded. The red flashing light lit the area, and my walkie-talkie-phone-thing rang.
*Beep* "Sup."
"Boss! Captain Duck just broke into the castle! What are your orders?!"
Despite the situation, none of us were really surprised about what was happening. If anything, I was more annoyed than surprised.
"About damn time! Doesn't he know how late he is? We started the get-together hours ago! Lure him into a trap and then bring him up here."
"Aye sir!" "Nonono-Not the face!"*Beep*
"I swear, that duck is always late to these things." I complained, patiently waiting for my minion-bots to send Captain Duck up to our room.
"Well, you can't really blame the poor thing, Connery." Fluttershy defended. "There'll never be any rest for the wicked, and justice never sleeps. Like you told us all a while ago."
"Huh. I did say something like that, didn't I?" Batman is awesome.
We all silently waited for the ruckus and explosions to die down, and for the Duck in question to show up. After a while, the doors to our room opened to reveal two of my Guard-bots carrying a big metal pole, and Captain Duck tied in the middle of said pole with excessive amounts of rope.
I stood up from my seat to walk up to the tied up duck. "Gee, did you miss the bus or something?" I teased.
"Quack quack quack, quack quack." He sarcastically replied.
"Yeah yeah, excuses excuses." I deadpanned as I untied him. He landed on his little webbed feet and waddled over to his seat in the circle. Everypony greeted him with a warm welcome, while I excused the two minion-bots before hopping back to my own seat. "You know, we were just talking about the day I gave you powers. Remember the good ol' days of Cluetopia?"
Captain Duck seemed nostalgic for a bit, before he smiled and nodded.
"Wait a moment, I'm curious about something." Luna spoke up, asking, "You mentioned that the good Captain was taken cared of by his owner before you, correct? Who was this owner?"
Huh, I thought I told all of them already.
"Didn't I already tell you guys?" I asked them all.
"Well, I remember you telling us." Twilight answered, with her friends nodding to confirm her.
"Actually, I don't think I knew of this either." Celestia hummed, trying to remember anything that was related to the topic at hand. She shook her head, "No, this is the first I've heard of Captain Duck having an owner before arriving here."
I gave a sad smile to Captain Duck as he looked away forlornly. Patting him on the back, I said, "I think you should take over for this part."
He nodded, facing all of us before recounting his tale. "Quack, quack quack quack quack..."
???
Cluetopia
There was rain. It was cold. The ground was uncomfortable to lay on. But there was not enough strength to move.
He laid there. For how long? Who knows. He just laid there.
There were soft footsteps from afar, getting ever so close. A gasp, and whoever it was ran straight to his side.
He felt warm hands caressing his body as he was lifted up. A voice... a very beautiful voice.
"Oh my god... you're a duck... A white pekin duck! I thought you all went away five years ago... Did you live in the same pond, or...?" She paused... "You're injured. How did this happen?"
He wanted to open his eyes. He was glad he did. He saw the familiar blue eyes of a familiar girl. She reminded him of something called bread. He liked bread.
"I need to get you to someplace safe and warm! Maybe Miss Carol knows how to help!"
She hugged him tightly as she ran home as fast as she could. He couldn't stop himself from falling asleep in her comfortable arms.
Thus today was the day, the legend of Captain Duck, began.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Next time on the next chapter of BUT I AM EVIL!
"Oh hey, Half Life 3 is out."
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON...
BUT I AM EVIL!