The Mechanics of an Assassination
Freshly minted Lieutenant, and soon to be Private Flash Sentry was having a bad day.
There was nothing wrong with the day itself, per say. The sun was shining merrily above, a testament to Princess Celestia's skill. The Canterlot Royal Palace was serene and majestic as usual. He had just be transferred into the Canterlot Guard as a junior officer no less and the astoundingly innocent Princess Twilight Sparkle had given to him a book she thought he would like reading.
He didn't like reading it very much, of course. The book had been filled with incompressible jargon and big complicated words that were several centuries dead. He had not understood much of it, but it had appeared to be a treatise of courtship rituals of the classical era Pegasus Polis, which made him wonder what was the significance of it was. Courtship back then probably meant the laws of the courts, right?
Either way, it was an incompressible book, but strangely also somewhat engrossing nonetheless. It was almost as if Princess Twilight Sparkle had been trying to hint at something to him...
Still, it had been good enough a distraction to occupy himself with for when the shift changed and his turn came to guard Prince Blueblood. It was a long boring shift; the Prince rarely left the confines of his chambers anyway except for strange and bizarre whims like for one hundred pieces of barracks toast, half the number buttered and the other, slathered in jam.
Flash Sentry hadn't wanted to think too much about what the Prince got up to with all that, and he also really wanted to look sophisticated and boffin-y in for the Princess. So Flash Sentry had spent his entire shifts staring at the book, and not at the door.
Which, theoretically, and only very theoretically might have contributed to the fact that someone had managed to sneak into the Prince's chambers to assassinate him.
Which brought him back to the present problem at hoof.
A member of Royalty had been assassinated. On Flash-bloody-Sentry's watch no less.
Oh! And there was that horrible memory of the fallen Prince that would not leave his memory. A miserable Prince reduced to a miserable spread eagled cadaver on the polished floorboards; with his royal head looking like a cherry pie that had been dashed upon the floorboards, dripping its contents all over the place.
It was illogical, improbable and impossible. He hadn't thought the Prince had enough of a brain to make that big of a mess on the floor.
And so thusly, freshly minted Lieutenant, and soon to be Private Flash Sentry was having a really, really, bad day. It was a testament to the Prince's predisposition to asshole-ishness that even in the act of expiring, he had managed to ruin someone else's life.
How would they remember former Lieutenant Flash Sentry now? He could hear it now, the chatter of new ensigns in the mess.
--
"Ah, that Flashy. Poor fellow; put the sentry in 'Flash Sentry' he did not." Someone said to the sounds of raucous laughter.
"Any idea what happened to him?"
"Well, not a slap on the wrist, but not an execution. It's not like anyone important died after all. I heared that he got cashiered and drummed out to peel potatoes."
"And I heard that unable to withstand the shame, Princess Twilight married Prince Blueblood."
"Wait, wait, what? Didn't the Prince, you know. Die? Brains on the floor and all that?"
"Yeah. But it was a heck lot of shame..."
There were nods all around. You couldn't argue with that much shame.
--
Flash Sentry shook his head. His blood vessels felt like they were going to burst, and what in the name of all things good and holy was he thinking? He gulped and trembled as he leaned breathlessly against the polished oaken doors that lead through into the elegant marble antechamber of the Prince's apartments. With a solid layer of planks between him and the gory, sickly sweet mess within, it was a tad easier to calm his mind as befitting a royal guard. Flash turned his thoughts to the assassin.
That nefarious and undoubtably cunning villain might still be around, and there were three less aggravating members of royalty still present in the castle. Two regal sisters and one wonderfully naive young Alicorn, who could be, and was often found so engrossed in some book or the other book that she would not notice anything short of the world ending.
--
Tryant! Meet your doom!
Oh. Um, well... since you're here, could you pass me that reference book please?- Arrgh! why would you do that........ohhh, wow, that was actually quite painful. And now I'm dead. Great...
--
In short, Flash Sentry thought. There was no pony no more perfect... as the victim for an opportunistic murdering assassin. Yes. That was what he had meant.
Shaking his head, he sighed. Obviously, he still wasn't thinking straight. He needed to clear his head, and take decisive action. He would sound the alarm, get the Princesses to safety and then do career damage control later. Reporting the incident to the Captain would go easier if he made sure to keep the remaining Royals nice and alive.
Of course, things didn't go as planned.
"Hold!" Called a gruff, authoritative voice from down the corridor. "Lieutenant Flash Sentry! What is going on? I heard a lady screaming!"
Flash Sentry turned slowly, sweat trickling down his face and flanks. That voice! That grim baritone with overtones of pay cuts and demotions! In his heart of hearts, he knew he would have to handle the situation very, very carefully to avoid a panic. So, he fluffed his wings, the universal Pegasus body language for nonchalance - and knocked over a priceless Ming vase from its pedestal.
And of course, standing there, staring at the devastation of his wake, was his commanding officer. The good Captain Sterling with two guard provosts at his side no less. Flash Sentry considered his next words carefully; the captain was notorious as a stickler for the gravitas and dignity of the guard.
"Captain!" Flash Sentry blubbered. "I'm so glad to see you!"
Captain Sterling stared, an errant twitch graced a fascinated eyebrow as the usually stoic stallion threatened to explode. Which explained the bottles of heart pills had seen strewn about the Captain's office.
"Report, Lieutenant!" he snapped. "What was all the screaming about?"
"No one was screaming!" Flashy Sentry lied. "I haven't been screaming!"
He was used to the jovial and gregarious Captain Shining Armour, not this grim, grumpy bear stuffed in the guise of an aged unicorn. Those eyes, hard as agates, scorched into him. He knew he needed an explanation, and fast.
"So, if there was any screaming, it must have been the Prince." Flash Sentry slapped himself mentally. Now here he was, speaking ill of the dead. Real classy, Flashy.
"And what was bothering his highness this time?" Captain Sterling asked, his gaze boring right into flesh, into soul. "Was it... you?" He accused.
That was it. Flash had never cracked before and it was a strange experience indeed. If Shining Armour's gaze had half the intensity of Sterling's perhaps he wouldn't have been voodooed by that bug lady.
"Bothering his highness? Flash cried, gesticulating wildly. "What could be bothering his highness? Nothing is bothering his highness!"
"Lieutenant! You-"
"And do you know why? Why?" Flash Sentry screeched. "Because someone's knocked his brains out onto the carpet!"
That at least got a reaction. Captain Sterling blanched. "You are telling me, Lieutenant, that someone has assassinated the Prince?"
"YES! YES! He's been done in. Killed. Deadly weapon, right in the head!" Flash Sentry babbled.
"Again?" The Captain asked, with no small amount of exasperation. Without a moment's hesitation, he marched up to the door turned to the two provosts in his follow and peeked in.
"Alright boys," he ordered, his expression grim. "I'll need you to fetch some specific restoratives; lavender bath salts, a pot of chamomile tea, a hoof mirror, a comb and Freudian Ship's Book of Self Esteem Affirmations..."
"Wait, what?" Flash bubbled. "What did you mean by 'again'? And what are those things for?"
"No time for that, Lieutenant." The Captain said sternly, his gaze alternating between the shaky form of poor old disposable Flashy and the shards of the poor old irreplaceable and priceless Ming vase. "You will proceed at to the Sun Chamber at once and report to the Princesses." he sighed. "And I mean NOW, Lieutenant!"
"Yessir," Flash cried, glad to have something, anything to do that didn't involve stockades and tribunals or thinking too much about brains on the carpet. Turning, he galloped off, relieved to be away from this princely headache of a mess.
"And we'll have a little chat about the vase, after this is over, you hear me Flash?!?" Captain Sterling's booming voice thundered from behind him.
Flash Sentry fled.
The sun chamber was a small circular room, at the very top of the Northern Tower. Originally an observatory, it had over the years, had unofficially become a sort of recreation room for Princess Celestia. Part study, part tea room and part lounge where she could slump on cushions, eat ice cream by the bucket and read at her leisure after a hard day's work administering to the realm.
Though with the return of her beloved sister, Princess Luna, and the ascension of her beloved student, Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia had found the sun chamber to be somewhat less than serene of late.
"Thou hath rolled for CRITICAL FAILURE!" A booming thunderous voice cried, a clap of midnight thunder that reverberated through the little room. Her sister Luna, a tall stately alicorn of dusk like colouration stood, as she slammed her hooves upon the solid mahogany table. There, a pair of dice lay, showing a pair of ones. The results of Princess Twilight's latest roll.
"I shalt consult the charts... thy failure to dodge the flung pie results in thine noggin being smashed asunder and thine brains, spattered upon the mantelpiece! Daring Do hath been slain."
"Whaaaaaat?" Twilight Sparkle protested, her eyes wide in indignation at the brutal fate of her favourite fictional hero. "But, I...I...Daring Do is..I don't even..." She spluttered, at a loss for words. "Who came up with this game anyway? It's so.... eeuurughh..."
"Realistic?" Luna supplied helpfully. She had dropped the old fashioned style of speech as she had calmed down. Speech therapy had been going well. "I know right?"
"Graphically violent." Twilight frowned. "Lemme' see those charts..."
Celestia sighed from her reading corner as Luna obliged, hoofing the sets of charts and handbooks over to the small, lavender alicorn mare. Slowly, but surely, Twilight's eyes widened and her face slowly began to turn green.
"They have pictures..." the purple princess whimpered. "Why would they have pictures?"
"Realism." Luna stated proudly. "Realism is the new risqué. Isn't that right, Celestia?"
"Mmmhmm..." Princess Celestia mumbled, engrossed in her book.
"Princess Luna, don't put words in Princess Celestia's mouth! She's not even listening!" Twilight squawked.
"Nay!" Princess Luna rebuked obliviously. "I shall put what I please into mine sister's mouth!"
"And that didn't come out wrong at all..." Princess Twilight muttered, and wisely abandoned that train of thought. She turned back to the rule book, examining the cover. "And what's this? Ages eight and up??? Wait a minute here, is this rulebook for foals?"
"YES! As you say, dear Twilight, for ages eight and above! If they're old enough to marry, they're old enough to see a little violence! Right Celestia?"
"Mmmhmm..." Princess Celestia mumbled, still engrossed in her book. The sun princess took a sip of tea as her ears perked up. "My this is excellent," she said with a smile of bliss.
In contrast, Princess Twilight harboured an expression on her face similar to that of a prune. "Princess Luna," she said mildly, rather calm despite the circumstances. "We should have a discussion, one day soon, about modern values. Now please tell me, who owns Palladium Publishing? Who approved of this travesty?"
"Thou art wise, Princesss Twilight!" Princess Luna cried as she enthusiastically slipped back into her old fashioned brogue. She slapped a heavy hoof on the younger alicorn's shoulder. "We would welcome a business partner, especially one as foresighted as you, dear Twilight!"
"We?"
"Why, that would be myself, and my dear nephew of course." Princess Luna nodded. "His appreciation for dark and gritty stories doth please me, and I approved of our business partnership!"
"Oh that Blueblood." Princess Twilight muttered darkly. "He makes me so... so, MAD! One day, you see, I'm going to break his pretty head."
The door burst open.
Flashy Sentry, of course, had chosen this exact moment to pony up, and quit standing outside the door like a foal eavesdropping. Flinging the door open and striding into the sun chamber, he immediately regretted his spur of the moment decision as three pairs of royal eyes, one set especially radiant turned to stare at him.
"...going to break his pretty head..." Princess Twilight's graceful and elegant words echoed again on a repeat track in his memory. Why had it come to this?
"...break his pretty head..."
"Twi-um Your highness..." Flash Sentry began, his gut twisting within him as the day's events bored an ulcer into his side.
"Hi Flash," The Princess smiled, like lavender blossoms made of lavender coloured gold covered in lavender coloured silk. And stuff. But Flash Sentry could not enjoy it for long.
"Eh...isn't it funny how you just happened to mention that..."
If only his friends from the barracks could see him now.
Flash Sentry currently had the undivided attention of three Princesses. Three very beautiful mares no less. Especially the lavender one. Unfortunately, this was not how he had imagined it. He had imagined he would be in front of the princesses to receive a medal, or a knighthood, and what a sweet dream that was too.
But this was no dream of honours and knighthoods and whispered sweet nothings.
It was a nightmare.
"Flash?" Princess Twilight approached him, her face dripping saint like concern. "Are you, okay?"
"Let the Lieutenant speak, Princess Twilight!" Princess Luna announced. "Speak the truth, Lieutenant, and fear no reprisal!"
"Indeed, dear Flash Sentry." Princess Celestia added. "You look high strung. Would you like some tea?" She levitated her steaming into the air.
"It's an excellent Darjeeling. Absolutely smashing
Flash Sentry winced. There was no way... was the Princess doing this on purpose?
Yes, your highnesses," he sputtered "I meant, no thank you, your highness! I mean, I'm sorry, your highness!"
The three princesses' exchanged looks. Or more accurately, Sun and Moon exchanged ribald grins and nudged the Princess of Magic towards the Pegasus.
"Would you like my sister and I to give Princess Twilight and yourself some privacy?" Princess Celestia said finally, a gentle, knowing, absolutely evil smirk on her face. She set the pot upon the table.
"Yes?" Flashy Sentry babbled, bemused. This could not be happening. "I mean no! Um, yes?"
"Well, Flash. You wanted to talk to me." Princess Twilight Sparkle stated, as she traded fierce glances with her peers. Flash sentry thought that everything about her looked absolutely ethereal. Even the venomous looks she directed towards the two older Alicorns.
"Well, did you have anything in particular you wanted to say?" she pressed, the barest hint of a blush gracing her divinely chubby cheeks.
"I... think you..."
"Yes?" Princess Twilight Sparkle breathed expectantly.
This was it, Flash Sentry thought, bemused. His one in a million chance, dashed to pieces upon the rocks of the Cantermount. His heart died a little within him. Yay! For duty.
"Um," He mumbled. "I think you... should know that Prince Blueblood kinda' just got assassinated."
Flash Sentry stood guard. He was a Lieutenant of the Canterlot Guard. Standing guard was part of his job description. In fact, it was pretty much all his job entailed. No one had told him anything about handling beautiful bibliophile mares with ink stains on their coats and two leering, giggling Alicorn sisters whispering over their backs.
No one had told him how to broach an assassination of a close relative to Royalty either. He was a simple Pegasus. Dada had often said, to leave the politicking to slimy gits and good old honest guarding to the guards. Not that he thought that Princess Twilight Sparkle was a slimy git, or anything.
I think you... should know that Prince Blueblood kinda' just got assassinated." He had said.
That had effectively killed any of the surprisingly pleasant mutual butterfly-in-tummy effect between anybody present in the room; unresolved squicky tension, or some sappy thing like that. Killed it stone dead; which would have been an appropriate analogy - except for the fact there had been quite enough death this day already, thank you very much.
Flash Sentry groaned inwardly. What had he expected?
For the Alicorn Princesses to break out the champagne and party balloons? Ding dong the Prince is dead and all that festivity? Well, that hadn't happened at all.
In actual fact, it was rather a more sombre affair. As it turned out, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were both surprisingly fond of their nephew. Even Princess Twilight Sparkle looked devastated.
Flash Sentry wondered if there had been any unresolved squicky tension between the Prince and herself, or perhaps it was simply guilt, born from wishing to break the Prince's head. As if that could have been her fault.
After all, if expressing desires to break the Prince's head had been sufficient to actually kill him, the Prince would have been dead a thousand times or more over. Knowing his luck, Flash Sentry thought, the overkill of deaths would compound into some sort of critical mass of super-death which would raise the whiney git to godhood or something silly along those lines.
He sighed. He was speaking ill of the dead again. Real classy, Flashy. He hoped none of the Alicorn Princesses present could read his mind. Because of reasons. This, he decided to just stand stock still, shut his mouth and do his job; standing guard. Alert for threats whilst the Princesses, now having lost any sense of joviality awaited the arrival of their prisoner. Captain Sterling had sent a runner earlier, informing them that the assassin had been apprehended.
And here she was now.
The door to the chamber swung open as a Pegasus mare with a deep midnight black colouration stepped into the room with two provosts in tow. Her eyes blazed crimson, as did did her cutie mark, which were a set of wings surmounted with daggers. To complete the picture, she wore dark faux leather vest and had a face surmounted by piercings.
Edgy.
"The prisoner," Captain Sterling announced, as he stood at attention before the Princesses. He looked down to the clipboard he held, his eyes widening.
"The prisoner, Edge.E Ravenwings, your majesties." he groaned, almost choking.
Flash Sentry stifled a snort as he caught himself in time. He would not mar the gravitas of Canterlot Palace; well, at least not any more than he already had. He desperately tried to ignore the series of snorts and choked, repressed giggles that emanated from the royal box behind him.
"Hush, Luna." Came a dignified whisper. "This is not the time-"
"Edge.E Ravenwings." Came a barley suppressed guffaw. "Look, yon piercings spell J.U.G.G.L.E.R!"
"Do you remember when Cadance got into her 'dark and edgy' phase?"
"I - SNURPTPAWWWW!" Came the sound of tea exploding out of an orifice. "Right. Let's not mention that to your brother, Twilight dear," came a weak voice. "She eventually got the piercings and grease paint removed, and we all pretend it never happened."
So much for gravitas. Flash Sentry winced as a light mist of tea drifted over him.
"Are they laughing at me?" The black mare asked, incredulous. "Are they laughing at ME? The deadliest assassin Equestria has ever known?"
Flash Sentry stood stock still as Captain Sterling shrugged. Neither of them were paid enough for this. They awaited for the Royal box to fall silent.
"You stand accused of murder, young Edge. E." Princess Celestia stated finally, as calm and terrible as the dawn. A tea stained dawn. "What say you to that?"
"That's right, ya' old bags! I killed your Prince." the Pegasus laughed, a deep, grim laugh that spoke of bloodshed and pie and cheap lozenges. "Killed him deady dead-dead. No one, and I mean no one escapes Edge E. Ravenwings four times in a row - STOP SNIGGERING!"
One of the provosts put his hoof in his mouth.
"I see," Princess Celestia said, her voice low and sad. She placed a comforting hoof on Princess Luna's shoulder. Or more accurately, a restraining hoof. The Princess of the Night was tensed, as if ready to pounce upon the hapless Pegasus before her. "You truly are remorseless then. As such, we have nothing else to say to you. Please take her away, Captain."
"Yes, your-"
"Wait!" Edge.E cried, a mad grin on her face.
"You have confessed to the murder of my nephew." Princess Celestia said simply. "Do you wish to plead for leniency?"
"Hell naw! Edge.E is hardcore!" Edge. E said. "But don'tcha want to know how I killed that sad sack of auntie complexes?"
"No."
"No, I think you've said enough."
"Yes, do tell." The Princess of the Night said, dangerously.
"Don't feed the attention whoreses, Luna," Princess Celestia hissed. "This is not the time for an edge-off!"
"No one said anything about an edge-off!" Princess Luna seethed. "Mine chieftest desire is to smack the piercings off her face. They aggravate me so."
"Ah. I'm tempted to let you go now..."
"Bla bla bla!" Edge. E mocked. "Here's how I did it! Ponce never saw it coming! Sneaked into his room, in broad day light no less! And BAM! SLAM! POW! Pie to the head! PIE TO THE FRICKIN' HEAD! Ain't no poncy pony surviving a pie to the head! Ain't I jus' grimdark?"
"Princess Celestia no!" This time, it was Princess Twilight Sparkle's voice that cried out. "Luna! Help me!"
Flash Sentry couldn't resist it. He had to see what was happening. He turned his head towards the royal box and regretted it almost immediately. Princess Celestia in a state of legitimate anger was not something a pony should ever see. It was an almost an eldritch sight, wholly unnatural, and as against the natural order of things as weather that worked on its own. No pony should have ever seen what he saw.
And Princess Luna too, matched her sister. She was rearing, her fore hooves balanced upon the railings, standing tall as an endless font of palpable fury; every bit a queen crowned in shade and lightning.
Thankfully, for the prisoner, Princess Twilight Sparkle had been there. She was gloriously beautiful, her make up running as she sweated furiously, with her horse shoes knocked in disarray as she desperately marshalled her plump, stubby, adorable appendages to restrain her two senior princesses.
"Nope." Flash Sentry mumbled, and turned back to Edge.E. Thought it provided scant comfort. It was an equally disturbing sight. His jaw dropped open as he watched Edge.E flip the princess off, her pinions folding to form the universal Pegasus body language for intense fornication.
The mare was mad! He thought. Here she was smiling in the face of certain doom.
"Heehee, look at you, you buncha' old bags." Edge.E snorted happily."You're lucky I wasn't hired to bump you lot off cuz' your security is sooooooo' bad!" she squealed in childish delight.
"I mean," she said, as she stared right at Flash Sentry, sending a chill down his spine. "This clown failed to stop me in broad daylight, what makes you think he's gonna' be of any use to you?"
Oh. Flash Sentry resisted the urge to bolt, as he felt three pairs of eyes boring into his back.
"But don't think you three are safe, just yet! You've irritated me, and now I'm gonna' have three pies with your names on them! Edge.E Ravenwings's pies have never failed! She sniggered, staring down the three princesses with the eyes of determined madness. "The world has only three constants! One; cash is king. Two; You're all ugly, and Three!"
All eyes on the room fell on the mad mare.
"Earthies, Pegasi, Unicorns or Alicorns! Edge.E Ravenwings's pies kill all without distinction!"
And there was nothing to left say.
Even the Princesses had fallen silent in the face of such remorseless bloodlust. Flash Sentry certainly couldn't have spoken at all, such was the aura of combined menace in the chamber. For a briefest second, the chamber was silent as a grave - bad analogy, with only the assassin's ragged breathing to be heard.
Edge.E Ravenwings stood, triumphant stunning all with the depths of her madness.
"And now, I think, the time has come for me to make my escape." Edge.E smirked as the provosts dropped to the ground, fast asleep.
"Delayed action sleeper cookies!" She crowed as her wings flapped furiously, sending towards the doorway
"Idiots!" Captain Sterling howled. "I told you NOT to eat them!!!"
He too dropped to the ground. "Just one wouldn't hurt, they said..."
"And sugar bombs!"
There was a puff and the room exploded into fine icing sugar. A fog of white.
"Um, did anyone think to, I dunno, search the assassin?" Flash Sentry wondered out loud, trying not to sugar coat things.
"Aw, shaddap, Lieutenant." Captain Sterling grumbled, as he lay with his limbs limp on the ground.
""Earthies, Pegasi, Unicorns or Alicorns! Edge.E Ravenwings's pies kill all without distinction!" Edge.E called. One final mocking shout. "One royal thought he could escape me thrice! Now he'll see - or not, cuz' he's dead!"
"Ciao! Suckers!"
Then came the clip clop of hooves and the aged grating of the chamber's door swinging open.
"Oh, Without distinction, eh? I think you might want to rethink that statement," A bombastic voice taunted.
Eyes turned as the curtain of icing sugar fell away, swept to the ground by the combined magic of three grim Princesses.
The doorway to the chamber was now flung wide ajar and a single lone figure stood brring Edge.E from her freedom. Flash Sentry gasped, his jaws falling open. From above him, the Princesses leapt from their perches, their eyes wide in wonderment at the unexpected visitor. So stunned were they that they didn't even try to lick the sugar. Not even Princess Twilight. Even if Flash Sentry would have liked to see that.
It was Edge.E who reacted the worst of all. Her face blanched and her wings splayed at her sides in absolute terror, trembling as the simple statement she had believed wholeheartedly was torn away from her. "Pie... always... kills... wha' in the frickin' ?"
On the ground, Captain Sterling alone seemed to remain calm, a knowing smile as sweet as sugar upon his grizzled features. It was usually the other way around; with Princess Celestia smiling beatifically and himself, scrambling to react to whatever disaster had just happened. He hadn't quite minded the change of position at all. In fact, one could have called this turning of the tables... sweet.
Or maybe it was just the sedative talking. Just one cookie. Pah.
Flash Sentry, coughing up powdered sugar, stared, his heart leaping to his chest.
It was-
"IMPOSSIBLE!" Edge.E screeched, her eyes wide in fear. "I...I killed you! I killed you!"
"And yet, contrary to your expectations, I still live." Prince Blueblood smirked. "I seem to recall quite a bit of boasting; something about how your pies have never failed to kill before. What say you, eh, to revising that statement?"
"MONSTER! WHAT ARE YOU?"
"Very handsome?"
"I hit you in the head with a pie! Boom! Headshot!" Edge.E cried, fearful. "And not just any pie! I put enough butter in that crust to batter down the gates of Canterlot! The cherry filling was syrupy enough to break a dragon's ribs! I put enough pastry leaves on the thing to choke the throats of a hundred Gryphons! It wasn't just a pie! It was the pie!"
The entire court gasped as Edge.E rattled off the about the specifications of her pie. Princess Celestia blanched, if that were a possible thing, and Princess Twilight looked scared. Even Prince Blueblood had begun to look uncomfortable, which was understandable, considering that pie, so lovingly described had impacted his head.
Princess Luna alone nodded, with a sanguine sort of enthusiasm for weapons.
As for himself, Flash Sentry winced. Edge.E was doing herself no favours here; her pie had broken almost every weapons law in the book. Baking with intent to kill, and especially those pastry leaves; a big no-no. It was a pie of mass destruction.
"How did you survive a pie to head, sir?" Flash Sentry asked idly. He hadn't realized he had said that out loud until Princess Twilight spoke up behind him.
"Yes," she said, her voice shaky. "Flash is right. I think, we all would like to know just how you did it."
"Yes, Twilight dear," Princess Celestia said. "But first, I think, we must deal with Edge.E here. I trust there will be no more resistance?"
Edge.E remained silent, as she stared at the Prince as if he were a spectre come back to haunt her.
In a way, Flash Sentry thought. He had.
"Take her away. Gently. And now, we would have words with our nephew."
It was a few seconds before Flash Sentry realized that as the only functional guard, getting Edge.E to the dungeon would be his privilege. Joy. He approached warily, his wings at the ready for any nonsense which could happen. "Ma'am," he said with as much authority as he could muster. "You're going to have to come with me."
But as wretched as she looked, Edge.E was not yet ready to leave.
"Wait!" Edge.E cried. She shot out a hoof, pushing Flash Sentry away. "Wait!"
Three Princesses and a Prince stared at her.
"I want to know." she sagged visibly. I have to know! How?"
Prince Blueblood looked over to her sugar-coated aunt. Flash Sentry watched as Princess Celestia nodded curtly.
"Very well. I'm not going to sugar coat it." Said the Prince as he trotted forward. "It's a simple trick, elementary, actually."
The entire chamber was silent now, except for the light snoring of the provosts at Edge.E's hooves.
"Five individual words in the ancient dragon language of the crystal empire. AI. M. A. DO. FUS. Mighty words of protection, but you have to say it really fast and loud."
"AIMADOFUS?" Edge.E cried, incredulously.
"Aimadofus!" Princess Twilight parroted excitedly. Already, her notepad was out and notes were being taken. "Never thought the Crystal Draconic Alphabet had native power assigned to them... I wonder what it means..."
Prince Blueblood's face errupted into a smug grin.
"I get it! Most amusing!" Princess Luna announced. "Our nephew has made a pun where-"
"I know, dear Luna..." Princess Celestia muttered, as she banged her head lightly on her lectern. "I've known him longer than you have..."
"Tell the TRUTH!" Edge.E screamed.
"Fine, fine." The smirk slipped of Prince Blueblood's face as he realized just how deranged the mad mare had become.
"Okay. So I'm actually confectionary-proof."
With a scream of absolute hatred, Edge.E Ravenwings drew a something from within her vest and with a final burst of strength, the Pegasus shook Flash Sentry aside. Gritting his teeth, he tucked his wings in and let the armour he wore take the brunt of the impact with the floorboards, maintain his gaze on the mad mare all the while.
Rule number one; never lose track of the enemy.
Not that rule number one made what he saw any better. Across the floor, Edge.E's bloodshot eyes darted this way and that, until they finally settled on her intended targets. "One of you is gonna' die, I've got a reputation to keep!" she snarled, with something brandished in her hoof , cocked and at the ready.
"No!" Flash Sentry breathed as he saw what she held. A dark brown disc that carried the aura of an ancient and terrible power.
"And you ugly old bags! Stand back!" Edge.E warned, her crimson eyes flashing this way and that. "I'm armed and I know for sure I can throw this baby faster than you can cast magic! You see this? You see this? Edge.E Ravenwings always has a trump card!"
"Edge. E Ravenwings," Princess Celestia said as she stepped forward with her wings unfurled, in a voice as calm as a still morning."Please be reasonable. Nobody here needs to get hurt today - put the weapon down and let's discuss it like grown mares!"
"Ohmygosh," Princess Twilight gasped, with the same glee she usually had when she discovered something new. "What is that? It doesn't look that dangerous..." She trailed off as she realized that the elder Alicorns had gone deadly serious.
"Um, what is it?" she uttered, bewildered as she glanced at her mentors and her peer.
Why even Prince Blueblood had lost most of his cocky demeanour. He had gone whiter than Flash Sentry had ever seen him go before.
"That can't be worse than a pie, right?" Princess Twilight whispered.
"Nay, young Twilight!" Princess Luna said, her voice low and grim. "It is a thousand, nay! Ten thousand times worse. It is the spawn of ancient recipe; a catastrophic confection capable of concocting calamity. Denser than any dessert ever devised!"
"The Red Chimney God's Bane!" Princess Celestia breathed, almost reverent.
"The Eternal Cake!" Prince Blueblood said, awestruck.
"Child!" Princess Luna's eyes narrowed. "You do not know that which powers you tamper with!"
Edge.E's only reply was the gaze of madness.
"Child!" Princess Luna warned.
"Put that FRUITCAKE down!"
"NEVER!" Screeched Edge.E in defiance. "Edge.E Ravenwins promised that there would be one dead royal, and there SHALL BE ONE DEAD ROYAL! Now, quiet while I choose which one!"
Flash Sentry picked himself up off the floor, his bones aching. His feathers quivered in the aura of menace emanating from the mad mare. And to his surprise, it was the Prince that winked at him. He nodded in agreement.
Together, they advanced, slowly, soothing and with no sudden movements. Slowly, gingerly, they placed themselves firmly between the deranged Edge.E and the three Princesses.
"Stand down ma'am," Flash Sentry said, hoping he sounded more brave and in control than he really felt. Oddly enough, and he would never admit it in public, the Prince was a welcome presence at his side.
"Like the Princesses say. No one needs to get hurt tonight."
"Think, Edge.E Ravenwings," The Prince said, his voice deep and calm and with no trace of that ever present smug grin plastered on his stupid face. In fact, Flash Sentry had never seen the Prince this serious before.
"On your first attempt, you couldn't kill me with brioche. On your second, you couldn't kill me with hot cross buns." He said firmly.
"You couldn't kill me with your heavy grade sachertorte or your butter enriched heavy shortcrust cherry pie with reinforced shortening pastry leaves either. And I'm just a unicorn."
He swept a hoof towards the three Alicorns that they were shielding. "And if your baker's arsenal can't hurt me, what makes you think your fruitcake can hurt them?"
"What are you doing?" Flash Sentry hissed. "You know damn well that, that thing can hurt them. And us! And Twilight! And US!"
"True," Prince Blueblood hissed in returned, his eyebrow twitching. "But does she know that? Has she ever used it before? Some trump cards are too precious to use! Fruitcakes require a certain finesse and a calm mind."
He turned back to Edge.E "No one needs to die today."
"No, ponce," Edge.E snarled, as she prepared her cast. "Someone Royal is gonna' die alright!" But she was a little less sure this time. Her hoof sagged and the grip on the nefarious slice weakened as her agitation cooled.
"Sure, keep looking right at me then." Prince Blueblood said, ostensibly calm, though Flash Sentry could see the rivulets of sweat running down his face. "You've already tried four times. Just relax... You don't have to make a fifth..." he continued, in as soothing a tone as he could manage under the circumstances.
"Nothing worked..." Edge.E agreed.
This was it. The Prince nodded. And at the signal, Flash Sentry began to advance in unison with the Prince. Slowly and steadily, so as not to spook the mad mare, who now stood, almost relaxed and limp, in a bemused state. But the slice was still gripped firmly in hoof.
"You old bags had better not move, ya' hear? Or the gits get it!" Edge.E announced, though there was not a drop of that surety she had from before Blueblood's appearance. "And if you gits get any closer, I'm gonna' put this right between a Princess's eye, ya' get me?
Prince Blueblood nodded. "I get you," he said, soothing.
"Yes ma'am." Flash Sentry said, standing bravely at the Prince's side. "We're close enough, Prince," he whispered.
"Got it." Prince Blueblood acknowledged. "We're going to ask her to put the cake down, but if that don't work, I'm going to distract her, and then you go in for the tackle. Ready?"
No. Flash Sentry desperately wanted to say. But he nodded nonetheless.
"Alright, Edge.E" Prince Blueblood said. His voice syrupy and smooth like an all you can eat pancake breakfast. "It's not going to work. If you put the fruitcake down, we can help you..."
And then everything went wrong.
--
Edge.E Ravenwings had forgotten about Captain Sterling.
The old stallion lay slumped along side his provosts, right in Edge.E's blind spot. And though his limbs felt like lead, and his horn felt like a certain embarrassing other problem he had, he had still a job to do. And by cheese and crackers, no one was going to accuse Sterling of not doing is job right. Bit by bit, the had dragged himself over to Edge.E and even now, he was ready to strike.
Captain Sterling had seen all the nodding between Prince Blueblood and Flash Sentry. And so, he had nodded along and had unofficially joined their little conspiracy.
""Alright, Edge.E" Prince Blueblood had said in that syrupy voice he rarely used. " It's not going to work. If you put the fruitcake down, we can help you..."
It was all so well planned. Captain Sterling waited, just in case. Which was a pity, because had the Princesses been in on the know, things would have probably turned out according to plan. Or at least Flash Sentry thought so.
Princess Twilight Sparkle, bless her heart, had spotted the crawling Captain, apparently on his way to interrupt their delicate negotiations.
"NO!" She cried, waving the Captain away from danger, unaware of the chain of events that would follow.
Edge.E stirred, a terrible expression upon her face. A seething, frustrated madness that seemed to darken the room. The mare turned towards Princess Twilight Sparkle, roaring her challenge with a hellish voice. "Fine! If I can't kill your poncey boyfriend, then I'll kill your fat flank dead instead!
Like a whip crack, her hoof blurred and cast the deadly missile, right at Princess Twilight Sparkle's breast.
"Edge.E Ravenwings promised one dead Royal tonight!" She crowed triumphantly, as the deadly missile sailed forth.
Princess Twilight Sparkle blinked, stunned, bemused. Her mind whirred, dredging deep for the knowledge to defuse the situation as Edge.E's hoof drew back to make her fateful throw. "Hey!" she protested. "That's illegal!" she said obliviously, even looking a little proud of herself at her sudden insights.
"No! Flash Sentry cried. "Get down Twilight!"
It was a breach of protocol, but he didn't care. No royal was going to die on his watch! Except Prince Blueblood, who had, technically been killed, four times no less. Fine. No other Royal was going to die on his watch. Especially lavender Alicorns who happened to make big targets.
Twilight just stared, shocked, unfocused, but not alone. Behind her, the magic of two greater Alicorns ignited, flaring gold and purple. And a pair of mighty shields slammed into place in defence of their younger Princess. At the same time, Prince Blueblood had disappeared in a flash of light, dodging Edge.E's frenzied lunge as Captain Sterling grappled her from the ground.
Beating his wings into a desperate frenzy, Flash Sentry hurled himself towards the stunned Princess Twilight, racing the deadly missile. And somehow, he made it. Suddenly, through the sound of a thunderclap, he had sped ahead of it and he screeched to a halt between the Princess and the fruitcake.
Too late, he realized, that he had flung himself into a precarious position. Time seemed to slow as the fruitcake sailed towards him, flowing like the overly gristly milkshakes they served in the barracks.
The deadly missile smashed asunder the golden barrier, and then shivered the purple to pieces. Flash Sentry knew, with the foresight of impending death that when it reached him, it would crumple his armour like so much cheap newspaper, and that would be the end of Flashy.
This was is it then, he thought.
He hoped that people would remember him, especially that beautifully gobsmacked lavender princess. There was a bloke named Flash Sentry. He had saved the Princess and died well. And Princess Twilight would be alive. It was as good a consolation prize as any.
There was a bright light. The light at the end of the tunnel, he supposed. Some messenger from beyond sent to bring his soul to rest. Which was funny, he thought. The ethereal messenger looked just like Prince Blueblood. So he was going to Tartarus then?
And then he realized that it was, in face Prince Blueblood that stood in front of him.
With a cry, Flash Sentry moved to shove the Prince away, but it was far too late. With a bone crunching splat, the fruitcake struck the Prince right in the face in a spray of red and white and black.
"Blueblood!" The room collectively cried, as the white stallion sprawled to the ground. Dead.
Dead agitated.
"Oh for heaven's sake!" The Prince cried, as he flailed about on the floor. "There's lemon frosting in my eyeeeeeeee! Why is this happening to me??"
"Guard! Princess Celestia exclaimed. "Please, guards! Go fetch a physician!"
"I'll have to wear an eye patch!" The prince wailed, rolling about on the ground in agony. "What a fashion faux pas!!!"
"Oh wait, on second thought," Princess Celestia sighed, her face buried in her hooves. "It appears the physician will not be required.
"The frosting clashes with my coat! I'm unsightly!"
"If I may, your highness," Captain Sterling croaked from the tangle of limbs he shared with Edge.E. Flashy Sentry thought he looked like he needed an extra dose of heart pills.
"We'll need lavender bath salts, a pot of chamomile tea, a hoof mirror, a comb and Freudian Ship's Book of Self Esteem Affirmations..."
Flash Sentry had no idea how he had gotten into this situation. Hours ago, he had been witness to the aftermath of an assassination. Moments ago, he had been uncomfortably close to death. Logically speaking, he would have been either dead or at a military tribunal now.
Instead, he was holding up a small brass hoof mirror at the side of a large copper bathtub that the servants had dragged into the sun chamber. Maybe dying would have been a better alternative? He wondered idly.
"You're the handsomest stallion in the world. You deserve all the good things in life?" Princess Twilight Sparkle read from a little hand book of affirmations, her face torn between heartfelt concern and galling incredulity. With her horn alight, she flipped through the pages of the little book, as she sat upon a cushion near the tub.
"Ohhhhh yes." Prince Blueblood moaned. "I am handsome, aren't I."
"You are brimming with charisma. You are loved." Princess Twilight droned.
"Ohhh, I am! I am! Tell me more!"
Flash Sentry wanted to fling himself out a window. Not that it would work, since he was a Pegasus. But he would be away from this. Whatever this was.
Prince Blueblood luxuriated in the copper tub of steaming water, recovering from his ordeal with all the grace of a wheel of cheese rolling down a hill into a herd of foals. Which was to say none. He wallowed about exuding the fragrance of lavender blossoms, occasionally taking a sip from his cup of chamomile and staring into Flash Sentry's mirror with a satisfied expression.
As for Edge.E Ravenwings, seeing the Prince surviving the Eternal Cake had been the last straw. With no defences remaining, both Captain Sterling and Princess Luna had pounced upon her with all the ferocity of a hungry Princess Twilight setting upon a biscuit.
While the mad mare hadn't been too roughed up when Captain Sterling had finally taken her to the dungeons, she had left behind quite a number of small metal piercings on the floor.
Flash Sentry suppressed a wince at the sight. He would be telling this story to his children, when he had children, if they ever wanted to get their ears pierced. Excluding the part where he had to bathe Prince Blueblood of course.
"You are a great leader. You have great ideas."
"Oh! Yes, I get that alot..."
And that part too. No point giving his future kids nightmares.
--
"So, dear nephew," Princess Celestia began. She was seated upon her customary pile of cushions, a small brass lectern at her side. She had magicked away the sugar coating her possessions and had settled down to write notes and orders regarding the fate of Edge.E Ravenwing, a.k.a Cheese Puff.
"You're telling me you actually managed to render yourself immune to confectional weapons." She said as she wrote, her phoenix pinion quill scratching long elegant letters that Flash Sentry wished he could reproduce.
"Yes, dear Auntie." Prince Blueblood sighed.
"And that included the Red Chimney God's Bane?" She pressed. "The Eternal Cake."
"Well, it appears so." Prince Blueblood said modestly. "So, in the light of my recent discoveries... Can I ascend now, please, Auntie?"
"No."
"Alas, dear nephew," Princess Luna cried from her perch. Unlike her sister, she had taken a more unconventional approach to removing the icing sugar that coated her fur, namely by licking it off.
"Thou hath achieved an incredible feat! But indeed, thou hath much to learn afore we even consider it. So, yeah, what Tia said."
"Favouritism." Prince Blueblood sighed. "It plagues even the best of families."
"Hey!" Princess Twilight Sparkle protested. Grimacing, she bopped him on the head with his book of affirmations.
"I resent that." She muttered.
"Oh please," Prince Blueblood rolled his eyes. "Don't you think your ascension was... somewhat easy? One day of work and poof! Why dear Auntie even sent you hints."
"Well, now that you mention it..."
"Don't subvert Twilight, Blueblood." Princess Celestia snapped.
"Hey Twilight," Prince Blueblood said. "Want to subvert with me?"
Flash Sentry blanched.
"Ew, no." Princess Twilight laughed. "And don't mangle your sentences. Look, even Flash is cringing."
"Um, yes, Princess." Flash Sentry agreed. "Bad."
"Nephew." Princess Celestia said sternly. "Back to the point please. Your apparent invulnerability to baked goods."
"Yes, yes., auntie." Prince Blueblood huffed."It all began at the Gala!"
"The Gala?" Flash Sentry asked.
"Yes, the Gala." Princess Twilight Sparkle groaned. "I think I see where this is going..."
"There, I was beset by a horrible shrieking harpy..."
"You and I remember the Gala very differently, Blueblood." Princess Twilight Sparkle said, as she shook her head. "
"Oh yes." Flash Sentry reminisced fondly. "It was my last assignment before I had to go north with the vanguard of the Northern Crystal expedition. Oh yes I think I do remember that Gala. The musicians got assaulted by a guest, and then I got bitten by three gophers and a rabbit." He lifted a hoof to show an array of gnawing teeth marks.
Does that happen every year?" he wondered out loud.
"Sadly, yes." Prince Blueblood snorted. "Remember the one when the cook was found floating face down in the cauldron? It was just after everyone had drank the soup. We were, what, about eight then?"
"Yes. Eight." Princess Twilight sighed. "Cookie was a seapony though, so he lived in the end, but I think nobody drank the soup at the Gala for a couple of years after that"
"Ah." Flash Sentry agreed.
"Nephew..." Princess Celestia said dangerously, her quill flourishing upon the paper.
"Right, so back to the harpy."
"Blueblood." Princess Twilight said. "I will really break your head, you know that?"
"Ah, fine. Rarity. There happy?" Scoffed the Prince. "Now stop flirting with me and let me continue."
Princess Twilight scowled.
Flash Sentry could have cried. Beautiful.
"So, we got hit by a cake. Disgusting, yes, lethal no."." Prince Blueblood recounted, as he leaned back in the tub. "And at the time, I thought nothing about it; it was but angel food cake - all light and airy, barely a weapon in any sense of the word. But,"
"But?"
"That shrieking harpy of ours- I meant, Rarity. Such a delicate lady. I gave it some thought and decided that she wouldn't have been unscathed, even with a mere glancing blow from a little bit of angel food cake."
"I think you'd be surprised, Blueblood," Princess Twilight said
"That's not the point." Prince Blueblood said thoughtfully. He sank into the tub, as he idly pushed the suds about. "It was that that sparked my interest in the effects of confectional weapons. Think about it - why do confectional weapons affect us?"
"I dunno, sir" Flash Sentry shrugged. "It's always been that way, I guess? I still remember my instructors... 'Watch that pie, Flashy! Do you want to put someone's eye out, Flashy?' they used to say."
"You know, Flash, Blueblood." Princess Twilight wondered. "I've never really given much thought either."
"Exactly." Prince Blueblood raised a hoof, gesturing into the air. "Following the principals of Freudian Ship, a unicorn's utility of magic is affected by numerous physiological and emotional factors - confidence, fear and all that nonsense. And all these, emotions, play a part in a person's system of beliefs. Many scholars - even Star Swirl himself have stated that belief in his or her own ability to produce the intended magic is a significant part of producing said magic."
"Okay," Princess Twilight leaned forward, interested.
"This phenomenon is also visible in the Pegasus. Take Buggerfart, for example. Farterblart-"
"Fluttershy. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you."
"Yes, her. Beautiful mare. Terrible rabbit." Prince Blueblood continued. "Can't fly well, due to her lack of belief in her ability fly, which in turn, sabotages her ability to fly, which reinforces her lack of belief in her ability. Vicious cycle."
"But she has flown well," Princess Twilight added.
"Ah, but only in the presence of her friends, or those horrible plebs in Ponyville." Prince Blueblood said, as he looked thoughtfully right at Flash Sentry. "Borrowing from their belief that they, as a group can get things done, no doubt."
"Now think about it," the Prince said. "When you were young, what did Auntie Velvet tell you when you were eating? You too, Lieutenant? What did you mother tell you about playing with food?"
"I um, well," Flash Sentry mumbled. "Mumsy would say 'Eat your food, don't play with it'..." he began.
"Or you'll poke an eye out." Princess Twilight finished, as she glanced at him, sending butterflies down Flash Sentry's gullet.
"Hmm, interesting," the Prince commented, as he gave himself a last good scrub and lay back against the tub. "A little vague, but seems o fit my hypothesis nonetheless."
"Which brings us back to Rarity. Something had protected her from harm that night, and I intended to find out."
"So, you're telling us, dear nephew," Princess Celestia said, ostentatiously calmly, "that the wounds caused by confectional weapons are caused by some sort of overwhelming reverse placebo effect? That people struck by say, pies believe that the pie is going to kill them so strongly and fervently, that they just drop dead?" Her phoenix quill had stopped, frozen is mid sentence.
"Succinct," Prince Blueblood smiled. "I theorized, that Rarity had been so incensed at me, at that point that she had simply forgotten that cakes would harm her - and thus she was unscathed."
"So, this protection wasn't caused by some run of the mill spell then!" Princess Twilight said, her voice dripping with enthusiasm. "Or at least, not directly! Oooh, it's so simple that's its been under all our noses all along! How exciting!"
"So, you're saying, we've all been trained to see pies as weapons?" Flash Sentry added, eager to contribute. "And so they become deadly weapons?"
"Yes, and as delicious food too." Prince Blueblood nodded. "A strange dichotomy, perhaps even almost paradoxical. Deadly and delicious. Hmm. Of course the theory and practice of this subject is still in its infancy - and the first field tests got rather out of hand."
"Meaning?" Princess Celestia's eyes narrowed.
"It began simply." The Prince explained, as he reclined in the bathwater "A small pilot experiment using the most non lethal carbohydrate I could think of. I roped Captain Sterling into it - only he could get me the quantity of cheap, soggy toast I needed."
"Surely there must have been better toast?" Princess Luna asked. "Thou art a Prince!"
"Yes, but the toast from the barracks are notoriously bad. Their value both as nutrition and weapons were suspect. Lieutenant, could you tell us how many guards actually eat their toast?"
"One, sir." Flash Sentry winced guiltily. "And he eats anything, really."
"Of course you would know, Lieutenant. My orders for stacks of a hundred pieces were usually a couple short."
"Well... guarding you is hungry work."
"Agreed." The Prince acknowledged. "I was bruised, and I was battered. So utterly wretched that when I met that same shrieking harpy at the launch of my latest line of luxury airships, I didn't even have the energy to make fun of her obvious crush on poor old whipped Fancypants. She was surpassingly pleasant on that occasion for some reason or the other."
Princess Twilight Sparkle slipped a triumphant smile.
"And then something clicked in my mind. I had managed to convince myself that toast could not hurt me - and indeed, toast ceased to inflict harm upon my beautiful body. And so, Captain Sterling and I escalated the experiments, from toast to sponge to tarts to pies. The time had come for a proper field test."
"Ooh! Ooh!" Princess Twilight jumped, her hoof in the air like an excited schoolfilly. "What were the experimental conditions!"
"Um, well." The Prince flubbed. For the first time, Flash Sentry saw a sheepish expression draw upon his wet and tousled features. "It's not that important!"
"Of course it is, Blueblood!" Princess Twilight cried. "What if I want to replicate your experiment?"
"That would be a little hard. I had to hire a professional."
"A ballistics baker? That's not hard at all. Pinkie's qualified."
"Um, something along those lines, yes." The Prince blanched. "Funny. In retrospect, that would probably have been the smarter thing to do."
"Wait what?" Princess Twilight blinked, her expression confused.
"I do not like the sound of that," Princess Luna quipped.
"Nephew." Princess Celestia sighed, the sigh of a reign that had endured a millennia of general stupidity. "Please tell me you didn't. You couldn't have been that stupid....eurgh."
Flash Sentry thought hard. The toast. The repeated assassinations. The pies. The frustrated and overly edgy assassin eager to bag at least one member of Royalty.
"Oh." He said simply.
"What? What?" Princess Twilight asked. It was evident to Flash Sentry, from her expression that the gears in her mind were grinding. Very cutely.
"Sir, you hired an assassin to kill yourself, didn't you, sir?"
Flash Sentry got his reply as Prince Blueblood nodded, guiltily. Princess Twilight, at his side, made a small, shocked 'o' with her mouth. And above, Princess Luna burst into peals of laughter.
"Leon. Vladimir. Bluebood." Princess Celestia sighed, a long heave of frustration. At her side, quill and paper lay forgotten. There was something fierce, and dangerous, Flash Sentry felt about having the Princess of the Sun address someone by their full names. He hoped he would never been under that scrutiny.
"You are so very aggravating."
"Blueblood..." Princess Twilight said, exasperated, her mane wild and her eyes fierce. "I don't know how you can be so amazingly brilliant and yet so utterly idiotic at the same time. Do you know how worried I was - how worried we all were when you...you...oh I am sooo mad!"
"Brilliant and stupid," The Prince whispered. "Sort of like you, really."
"Not in the mood, Blueblood."
"Um, sir. An explanation might be nice."
"Yes! Alright! Stop looking at me like that!" The Prince scowled and hurled his hooves up in surrender. "In a fit of idiocy, I hired an assassin to kill me using very specific pieces of confectionary - with strict instructions to abandon the mission once the missile had been cast. Nothing was suppose to go wrong."
"But something did." Princess Celestia chided. "And you put us all in danger."
"Granted," Prince Blueblood admitted. "I had not expected Edge.E Ravenwings to be so, well, edgy."
"The name might have given it away," Princess Twilight grumbled.
"Anyway, how was I to know she lived by some sort of 'assassin's creed'? The first two attempts went off perfectly; her pastries splattered on my godflesh- which should really make me a prime candidate for ascension really-"
"Vladimir." Princes Celestia warned.
"Fine. Fine!" The Prince sank, defeated. "But by the third attempt and having repelled the sachertorte, it appeared that Miss Edge.E had been frustrated by her constant failures. Which resulted in today's events where, in a fit of pique she came back for unsanctioned forth - and fifth attempts. Not a minor problem, I know."
"Not a minor problem?" Princess Twilight squawked. "What an understatement! We were threatened by a mad mare with fruitcake!"
Flash Sentry nodded in agreement. He had been awfully close to getting a fatal taste.
"Yes." To his credit, Prince Blueblood looked genuinely remorseful. "I regret that had happened."
"And speaking of fruitcake. Explain your actions earlier." Princess Celestia continued. "What was that foolishness all about? You could have been killed! You blocked fruitcake with your face!!"
"Brave." Princess Luna nodded approvingly.
"Stupid." Princess Twilight accused.
"Both." Flash Sentry compromised.
"You could have pushed Twilight and the Lieutenant out of the way, but you chose to take the blow instead."
"Well, it seemed natural at the time. And there was no time, remember. Split second and all that."And besides, I have proven I could withstand pie."
"Were you absolutely confident that you could withstand the Eternal Cake unscathed?"
"N-" An alarmed expression rose to the Prince's face. "Yes. Of course I was. Why would you ask. It was all under con-"
Princess Celestia didn't let him continue, and swept him into a hug, lavender soap suds and all.
Prince Blueblood just looked poleaxed.
"Oh you foolish little colt. I wish you had been more careful. I approve of being studious, but you could benefit from some restraint as well. Some honest friends who can tell you when you're acting like an idiot"
"Friends?" The Prince sighed. "Your average pony is dumber than the school bench he sits on. They believe pies are lethal weapons of war. And they believe that so fervently that pies actually kill them. They panic at the slightest provocation and run around in little circles screaming their heads off.
"Lets face it, Auntie," Prince Blueblood complained. "We rule a nations of barely functional, mentally inadequate dingbats."
"There's us," Princess Celestia said, as she exchanged glances with Princess Luna. "There's dear Twilight, Shining and Cadance. Ask them if they think of you as a friend. You'd be surprised. And perhaps if you mixed around a little more, you'd find that there are fewer dingbats than you'd expect."
Flash Sentry gulped as he realized that the Princess's gaze had fallen on him. Pegasus were never really the biggest of stallions, but under Princess Celestia's searching gaze, he suddenly felt like a small colt again.
"And Flash Sentry too, dear nephew." she said, gentle as the dawn. "Brave and loyal too, the prefect friend at your side. I thank you for saving Twilight."
The Prince sulked in his tub.
"Um, it was nothing your highness." Flash Sentry gulped. A strange feeling welled up within his breast, like the memory of fresh summer mornings when he was but a foal. And his heart leapt even higher as Princess Twilight joined her mentor, looking at him with such gratitude and something else, that he thought he would burst.
Funny.
As a career Royal Guard Officer, he'd thought he would be used to the gaze of Royalty by now.
And that wasn't all. Princess Celestia nodded, and Princess Twilight leaned in. Closer and closer and closer and...
"What shall we do with the prisoner, nephew?" Princess Luna's voice echoed, like thunder from her high perch in the rafters.
"Let me think," There was a splash and a burst of lavender. "I vote we burn the miscreant at the stake."
Flash Sentry froze. As did Princess Twilight Sparkle, who rolled her eyes. A well practiced gesture. Besides them, the princess of the sun slapped one golden shod hoof to her face.
"We'll need Cadance for this..." She muttered.
"Blueblood!" Princess Twilight had already turned to face down her fellow Royalty, her wings practically strained into a rictus of seething irritation. "That is simply barbaric!" she exclaimed. "You...You..."
"Vladimir," The Sun Princess joined, adding her two cents. "I sincerely hope you were joking, because if you really think someone is going to be burnt at the stake, we are going to have a good long talk about it."
"Aha!" Prince Blueblood crowed triumphantly, as he raised an accusing hoof from his bathwater.
"Favouritism! I knew it! I knew it! If she had fruitcaked our precious widdle Twi-wight Spaaaarkle instead of me, I'd bet we'd all be fetching fuel and kindling right now!"
"Well..." Princess Celestia blanched, suddenly at a loss. "Ahem no. Just... no."
"Which was all your fault to begin with," Princess Twilight bore down upon the stallion in the tub, until they were practically nose to nose. "If we ever get a chance to burn you at the stake, I'm first in line!"
"Does that mean, Twilight," the Prince grinned slyly. "That you have the hots for me?"
And that was when Flash Sentry did, probably, the bravest, and most stupid thing in his career. Yes. A list included jumping in front of The Red Chimney God's Bane, and eating spoiled toast while on duty... and after duty. He took one long look of the tiff, and like before, with Captain Sterling, some cracked within him. He had to say something. Anything.
"With how tiny your candle wick is, she'll have to be first in line to see any fire at all!" He screamed, before realization set in and he clamped his hooves over his mouth.
"Oooh! Burn!" The Princess's mighty voice crowed from the rafters. "That was what the peasantry call, a 'burn' wasn't it? Wasn't it? Most Amusing!"
Princess Celestia sagged visibly.
The Prince's jaw dropped open, giving him the distinct expression of an old goldfish. He glanced from Flash Sentry to Princess Twilight, and back to Flash Sentry again. And Flash Setnry got the distinct feeling that he would be living in a cardboard box soon. And surviving off spoiled toast, which was admittedly not so bad.
"Er.. I... what...The Prince mumbled, as his hooves rapped an irritable drumbeat on the copper sides.
"You know what? That was actually decently funny. But the delivery... eurgh!!! Alright, all of you, get out! Get out! Can't a stallion get some privacy for his bath?" He cried as he splashed about in the tub.
"Don't judge me!"
Flash Sentry was only too happy to oblige, as he trotted towards the doorway. Ostensibly, escorting all three Princesses as they walked out the door, exchanging knowing smiles and winks all around. It was obvious that all of them would remember this incident, and bring it up incessantly in future conversations.
"Yes, it is getting rather late in the day, we'll have to lower the sun soon." Princess Celestia murmured as she stepped through the threshold. There, she gazed at the setting sun, with some concentration.
"What an afternoon. Let us reconvene at dinner, then."
"Indeed, sister." Princess Luna agreed wholeheartedly. "Ah, the excitement! It was well worth the loss of sleep!"
A midnight purple hoof snagged Flash Sentry and he found himself face to face with one of the Greater Princesses of Equestria. Even beaming, Princess Luna was intimidating. "And as for you, Lieutenant!" She boomed, staring at him in an almost ribald manner. "You have done well! We shall be observing your career with great interest!"
And with that, he was passed off to - his heart leapt.
Princess Twilight Sparkle. Serene, lavender smelling, pleasantly plump and adorable as any filly could be. She leaned in closer, and closer and closer, until he could almost feel the brush of her muzzle upon his cheek. Chaste and perfect and-
"You have an enormous..." The Prince's voice practically screamed. Flash Sentry and his Princess turned almost in union. Towards the Prince where he was still, stock straight in his steaming tub. Before him, his book of affirmations lay suspended in the air, as the frazzled stallion read off it.
"...Heart! You are admired for it!"
"Well, um, " Princess Twilight coughed, nervously. "Thank you Flash. I'll see you later."
"Yes, your Highness," Flash Sentry sighed.
With that, the youngest Alicorn trotted away, down the hallway after her seniors. Leaving but the scent of lavender and the few last snippets of conversation behind.
"Twilight Sparkle. I fear for our family. We have, under one roof, the combined might of your intellect and Vladimir's deviousness, seasoned liberally with Shining Armours's stubbornness and Cadance's single-minded obsession with... increasing the viable population. I fear for the future of Equestria."
"Oh, Princess Celetstia. That's what our friends are there for, right? We've got Cadance and B.B.B.F.F and Flash and Spike, and Rarity, Rainbow, Fluttershy and Pinkie; the elements of harmony and Flash and Applejack too! They'll make sure we don't break too much stuff..."
"Perhaps the young Lieutenant in particular hmm?... Very Virile! Luna approves!"
Flash Sentry blushed. In retrospect, and with all brush with allspice scented death aside, it hadn't been too bad of a day. Princess Twilight Sparkle had even... he tried not to think too hard about it as he stepped outside, closing the door to the sun chamber to give the Prince some privacy.
"Halt! " The Prince's whiney tone dropped into a low, baritone growl.
"You! You stay."
Flash Sentry trembled. That had been directed at him.
"You are the Worst. Guard. Ever!"
The Prince cried, punctuated for emphasis, as he sank into his lavender scented suds.
"Thanks to you and your incompetence, I have been struck by deadly missiles, not once! But twice! Twice in a day!"
"I'm sorry sir!" Flash Sentry babbled humbly. Oh he wanted to bring up the part where being struck by pies technically had been the Prince's own fault, but generally if a Royal Guard wanted to keep his job, he didn't mouth off to royalty. Besides, he hadn't done a particularly good job with preventing the last four assassinations either.
"I am willing to accept any disciplinary action you deem necessary, sir." Flash Sentry said, by rote.
So please, please don't punish me.
"You will be assigned to a dead end position; you'll never guard anything important again!"
Damn. Flash Sentry's heart dropped. His career, ended just like that. What would Mum say now?
"You will report to the library archives for guard duty, am I clear?"
"Yessir."
Now get out of my sight!"
"Yessir!" Flash Sentry said, as heartily as he could manage. Every inch the grim, emotionless soldier who was definitely not crying. The library, the old archives was truly a thankless posting. He walked slowly towards the door, almost in tears where to his surprise, Captain Sterling stood, waiting for his turn to see the Prince. The older stallion put a reassuring hoof on Flash Sentry's shoulder, as he left.
Hopefully Captain Sterling would put in a good word for him, and he would be back to the good old routine in no time. The thought of eternally being stuck in the arse end of nowhere, at the library galled him.
He would be all alone. No one went to the old archives. No one except for... except for!
Flash Sentry was past his Captain and out the door before the thought finally struck him. He turned, staring at the lone copper bathtub left in the sun chamber where the Prince was laying, staring into the horizon somewhat wistfully.
"Um,sir!" he cried. "Thank you, sir!"
The Prince merely waved a hoof idly, not bothering to turn.
Alight in azure magic, the door gently shut itself.
Freshly minted and almost demoted Lieutenant Flash Sentry sighed, basking in the setting sun. Perhaps it hadn't been such a bad day after all. His heart racing, his thoughts turned to the library and the possibilities that lay ahead.
That pleasant feeling lasted but a moment, as a terrible wail shook the castle.
"HE BROKE MY WHAT???!?!!?!!???!!???"
Flash Sentry fled.
--
Fin