*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* *click*
"...zzzzzz..."
"Hey, Dad."
"...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
"Dad, wake up."
"...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
"DAD!"
"...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
*SPLASH!* Biggs was once again woken up with a cold bucket of water to the face, signifying that this was not going to be a good day. He got up and looked at the grinning culprit. "Just because you got your cutie mark does NOT mean that I won't ground you for a - where the HELL did you get that bruise?!"
Scootaloo laughed nervously. "Well, after me and Apple Bloom got our cutie marks, Sweetie Belle got real jealous and wanted hers too. So we stayed up late again trying a bunch of different things, and eventually we got to boxing, and guess what? That was the one that did it!"
"So Sweetie Belle has her cutie mark now? Great. I'm still wet and pissed off. Go get your breakfast." Scootaloo nodded and ran to the kitchen, and Biggs followed. The two ate some waffles, and Scootaloo grabbed her saddlebag.
"See you at school! Don't forget - you're speaking to the class at 10:00!" She left. Biggs waved her off, and then crawled back into bed.
Ah, finally some peace and quiet. Well, time to go back to sleep. *KNOCK KNOCK* ...shit. Biggs awoke again, went to the door, and greeted Rainbow Dash with a snarl. "I'm speaking to the foals in an hour. This had better be important."
"That means you still have an hour to kill, and there's somepony I wanna visit! Come on, time's a-wasting!" Rainbow Dash zoomed off. Biggs groaned.
...Yep. Not gonna be a good day.
Biggs followed Rainbow Dash to the local confectionery. When he caught up, she knocked on the door. The proprietress, a beige earth pony mare with a blue and pink mane, answered.
Rainbow Dash said, "Hi, Bon Bon. Is Lyra home?" Bon Bon turned around and looked up the stairs.
"Hey, Lyra! Two of Mare Do Well's fanponies are here!"
"HEY! I'M NOT A FAN OF HER!"
"HEY! SHE DRAGGED ME INTO THIS!"
Bon Bon shrugged as her live-in marefriend came trotting down the stairs. The four sat down at a table to talk. Lyra asked, "So what can I do for you? You here to ask about Mare Do Well?" Rainbow Dash nodded.
"I told you they were fanponies."
Rainbow Dash snarled, "Shut up, Bon Bon. So, Lyra. We're trying to figure out Mare Do Well's secret identity, and we need your help. I want you to tell us everything that happened on Friday night."
Lyra nodded and began recounting the story. She told them exactly what happened, but she didn't reveal anything that the newspapers hadn't already covered. "...And then I kicked him really hard, and then I ran to the police."
Biggs sighed in lamentation of his wasted naptime. "...Did anything stand out about Mare Do Well? Something that we could use to identify her out of costume?"
Lyra thought for a moment. "...Well, there was one thing that was weird. Mare Do Well was short. I mean, really short. Barely came halfway up that mugger's body. She was the size of a filly, I tell you!"
Rainbow Dash nodded. "That's great! All we gotta do now is find somepony with dwarfism, and we've nabbed her! Come on, Biggs! Let's go look!"
Biggs shook his head. "It's 9:45. I need to get to the school. Make Wedge do it."
Rainbow Dash sighed. "Chicken. Fine, but once you're done, come right back, got it?" Biggs nodded, and the two left the confectionery and went their separate ways. Biggs began flying to the school.
She was the size of a filly, I tell you!
Biggs tried to suppress the thought, but he couldn't escape the nagging feeling that he should have been paying more attention to that sentence. He shook his head and continued flying.
After saying goodbye to her father, Scootaloo hopped on her trademark scooter and zoomed off to school. On the way, she ran into Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. Regretting that she hadn't thought to bring her wagon so they could all ride, she hopped off of her scooter and said hello to her friends.
Apple Bloom glanced around, and then whispered, "Ah've been thinkin', and ah had an idea for some new gear you could invent. You know how Batpony has his batarangs that he throws at the bad guys? We should have those! Except, of course, we'd need to call 'em somethin' else... like Mare-a-rangs!"
Sweetie Belle frowned. "That kinda sounds weird... I think Mare-do-rangs rolls off the tounge better. But yeah, those would totally be awesome!"
Scootaloo nodded. "I'll start working on them after school today. I was also thinking I could upgrade our grappling hooks to give a stun shock to bad guys we hit with it."
Apple Bloom mused, "Just so long as it doesn't kill 'em. Then we'd be no better than the bad guys." All three fillies nodded in agreement, and they finally reached and entered Ponyville Elementary. Silver Spoon was the center of attention, no doubt retelling the tale of yesterday's foiled kidnap attempt.
"...Once Mare Do Well ripped off the wheel, I was able to escape from the kidnappers. Remembering what my father had taught me about situations like these, I immediately ran to the house of the pony I trust most, Diamond Tiara, and managed to make myself safe under her tight security." Silver Spoon then noticed the Cutie Mark Crusaders arrive. "Well, if it isn't the blank flanks! You just missed getting to hear the tale of how some foalish kidnappers attempted to grab me, of all ponies!" Diamond Tiara laughed at the jab.
Apple Bloom smugly retorted, "Blank flank mah hoof, Silver Spoon. Didn'tcha hear? We got our cutie marks over the weekend! Or were you just too busy with your head stuck in your money?" The two bullies recoiled as they realized it was true.
Diamond Tiara tried to recover. "Oh, yeah? So you've got your cutie marks now. Big deal. You honestly think that makes you special? You're nothing compared to ponies like us or Mare Do Well!" However, the rest of the foals ignored her and flocked to the crusaders, eager to hear how they got their cutie marks.
Apple Bloom thought to herself, That has got to be the most cliché sentence ah've ever heard. ...Ah, well, ah'll brain-laugh anyway. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! As they began talking to their friends, Ms. Cheerilee arrived, eager to begin the day's lessons.
"Alright, class, take out your weekend homework..." The crusaders looked at each other, and each one mirrored the others' expressions of horrified realization.
Half an hour later, after going over the homework (and getting chewed out by Ms. Cheerilee), Ms. Cheerilee spoke. "Now, I know you were all looking forward to meeting the spokespony from Marevel Comics, but an urgent family matter came up for him at the last minute and he couldn't make it." Everypony groaned. "Thankfully, a representative from the local box factory agreed to replace him!" The foals gave Ms. Cheerilee a blank stare. She lasted 2 seconds before bursting out into giggles. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you foals should have seen the looks on your faces! That was priceless!" She paused for a moment and regained her composure. "Truthfully, I did manage to secure a replacement, and I do think you'll enjoy his speech. You all have heard of the Royal Guard - Celestia's most elite knights, dedicated to serving the greater good of all Equestria! Today, one of the best of the best will be speaking to you about this prestigious institution." Nopony in the room knew what the word "prestigious" meant. "Fillies and gentlecolts, allow me to introduce Staff Sergeant Biggs!" Taking his cue, the orange pegasus stallion entered the room. There was some polite applause.
Biggs shifted nervously. "All right, foals, I am going to get to teach you about the Royal Guard. Now, the institution was first founded in-"
Diamond Tiara interrupted him. "Oh, please. The Royal Guard are a bunch of useless nincompoops!" Ms. Cheerilee, enraged, opened her mouth to reprimand her, but Biggs beat her to the punch.
"You're Diamond Tiara, right? Filthy Rich's kid?"
"Yes."
"I've heard all about you from Scootaloo. One day, kid, you're going to find yourself in a mess that you will not be able to buy your way out of, and then you will be doomed." Normally, Biggs had another word for that kind of situation that began with "b" and ended with "ucked", but he took care to watch his language in front of the foals. Nodding in satisfaction at having stifled the interruption, Biggs continued. "Granted, we haven't had a very good track record against enemies like Nightmare Moon or Queen Chrysalis, but-"
Silver Spoon interrupted him this time. "You got your butts trounced! Why do they even bother giving the princesses bodyguards anyway? Bodyguarding an immortal alicorn princess is completely useless!"
Biggs glanced around, and then lowered his voice to an audible whisper. "First off... you're completely right, the princesses' bodyguards are useless." He winked. "However, that's not the full scope of our duties. We are also often sent out to aid local level law enforcement in small towns such as these, and sometimes we get recruited to take down higher profile criminals-" He was once again interrupted by the door to the classroom opening. "Aw, what now?!" In response, what appeared to be a small pellet went flying into the room, bonked Biggs on the nose, and came to rest on the ground. "Well, now, what do we have here?" He leaned in to take a closer look, and that was when it exploded in his face.
Everypony was stunned by the blast. Their vision was filled with white, and a horrific ringing sound echoed in their ears. Scootaloo managed to recover enough to see the silhouette of her father drag himself off the floor. She then heard a voice say, "Take out the guard!" More silhouettes entered the room and attacked Biggs. Biggs flipped one over his back and punched the next one in the face, but the third one managed to impale him with a spear. The spear went straight through his armor and into his chest before coming out covered in his blood through his back. Scootaloo shook her head, and the lingering effects of the blast finally wore off. Standing in front of her were five ponies. Scootaloo realized to her horror that they were five familiar ponies.
The leader of the gang turned to face the stunned class as his cronies subdued Ms. Cheerilee. "Fillies and gentlecolts, my name is Roughneck, and you are now in a hostage situation. The so-called superhero known as Mare Do Well has exactly one hour to surrender herself to me. If she does not cooperate, me and my men will kill every single pony in this building." He nodded to the spear lackey, who ripped the spear out of Biggs' chest. He immediately began bleeding out of both his chest wound and his mouth. Roughneck nodded again, and the two unicorns in his group telekinetically lifted Biggs, and with one violent motion, threw him out the window.