For extra comedic effect, read the following narration in the voice of Johnny Erain.
Enjoy.
And so, we once again join our main characters as they set off their next act of evil! Connery has gotten the marvelous idea of building a coffee shop, because coffee and shit! We watch as our hard working minion-bots prepare to commence the next part of the plan! Connery, that ruggedly handsome, awesomely evil, lean, mean, fighting machine of pure doom and justice, and is also awesome, did I mention that he was amazing? Because he sure fucking is! Watch, as he and his robots brilliantly walk all the way to their objective, and-
"Ok, I'm confused. Who the hell is the new guy?" The loyal and perfectly built guard-bot asked his brilliantly awesome leader!
"Who, the narrator-bot? You know, I found him in the attic back at the base. He was just kinda lying there, gathering dust. So I thought it might be a good idea to let him in on a few jobs." The amazingly bodacious manly emperor replied with all the grace and glory of ... uhm... grace and glory of... uh... HE'S FUCKING AWESOME.
"Can you please tell him to be quiet? He's kinda annoying." The big asshole medic-bot, who I am sure is a virgin, whined to his awesome leader. Because medic-bots are always like that shit. Them and their whiny blue-ass punky attitude. You know that I was in bed with your mother last night? Yeah, she took it hard last night. I bolted in her hard-drive if YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
"First of all, we don't have mothers. Second of all, Connery make him stop narrating!" The whiny blue-ass bitch continued to complain about the awesome voice of the innocent narrator-bot.
Fortunately, Connery, the awesomely super cool and handsome emperor would NEVER think about listening to the whiny bitch medic-bot, and continue to let him narrate the rest of the story permanently, because he's so cool and great, and he's like, the most amazing person ever-
"Yeah, nope. Now I remember why I left you in the attic."
*Beep*
FUCK YOU AND YOUr laaaammee-aasssssss jooookeess...
...
"Well... shut-up."
Episode 5 Part 2: First Henchpony has joined the party! = YES
*Bzzt*"Redbird, is the target in sight? Over."*Bzzt*
...
*Bzzt*"Negative treebark. No sign of target. Over"*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"Bluebird, do you see the target? Over."*Bzzt*
...
*Bzzt*"Negative. The muffin is nowhere in sight. Over."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"God dammit, how is it so hard to find her? This should be her regular working hours! Over."*Bzzt*
"Oh well, y'know, we could widen our surveillance on the area if we weren't all HIDING IN THE SAME SPOT!" My medic-bot said behind me. He was next to my guard-bot who was also behind me, and I was in my tree disguise.
...
*Bzzt*"Pfft, I have no idea what you're talking about... Over."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"Wait guys, I see her! The muffin is out of the oven! I repeat, the muffin is out of the oven! Over!*Bzzt* My guard-bot pointed at the flying... eh, somewhat-flying-while-also-kinda-curving-and-crashing-into-shit mailmare.
*Bzzt*"Perfect! Ok guys, get into positions! Over!"*Bzzt*
"What was even the point of walky-talkies?" My blue robot whispered, as he and my guard-bot jumped into a bush a couple feet away.
As we were preparing to begin the next step of the plan, Derpy was flying to her destination, trying her best to dodge as many obstacles in her way.
*Ahem* Keyword: Trying.
Jesus, if only you could see the mess she left behind. That guy over there got his leg broken.
"My leg!"
See?
Here I was, waving my branches around like a mad-tree, trying to gain her attention. "Hey! Derpy! Down here!"
When she finally noticed me, she steered her flight over towards me. Er... somewhat.
"N-no no, over here Derpy. No, not there, over here! A little to your left. Ok that's too much left. No, stop going left, stop it. STOP GOING LEFT. S-stop, I-I- I'M OVER HERE!"
"What do you plan on doing?" I hear you ask... Or, you're just probably waiting for me to quip something hilarious. Either one.
Well, it's about time I do something terribly evil today. I'm going to make an innocent mail-mare sign a contract with the devil. MUHAHAHAHA- I'm referring to me, by the way. I'm going to be the devil. In case you're wondering. Get it? Deal with the devil? Y'know, cause it's- Yeah, yep, I'm sure you got it.
"Good morning, Connery!" Derpy greeted me when she finally landed in my general direction... -ish.
Hopping over to where she landed, I greeted her back, "Hey Derpy, good morning, how ya doing?"
"Oh, same old same old. Did you need anything?"
"Yes, actually. Do you mind if I kidnap you against your will?"
...
"Wait, wha-"
*Pew*
*Snoring noises.*
I tuck my stun-gun back in my coat.
Yeah, I'm probably going to be doing that way more often than I should.
My minion-bots carried her unconscious body back to our lair, so that I may commence the next phase of the plan.
Whistling a happy tune, I walked to the interrogation room with muffins and milk both in hand. Reaching the room, I paused for a moment to let the door slide open before entering. On the other side of the table was Derpy, still asleep.
Setting the treats on the table, I took my seat and intertwined my fingers in patience.
...
I'm bored now.
*Airhorn.*
"AAAH"
That's better.
"Who? What?! Where am I?! What's going on?!" They drowsy mailmare stammered awake.
"Welcome Derpy, to my secret evil lair." I greeted her.
"Huh? C-Connery? Is that you?" Derpy wiped her eyes, still trying to get her bearings.
"Yep. Hi. How you doing?"
"Uh. I- What's going on?"
"Well, Derpy, it's kinda a long story. See, this all first started when I was born. I was a silent kid, always doing my own thing..."
Some time later.
"...Which then the Zombie Nazi Pirates began their uprising in the great year of 1997. General President Ninja Octopus Man Person John was not very happy. So he sent his best men, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee to get Dracula back from the moon..."
I don't know what I'm doing.
"'And so, let there be light! And also more guns and shit. Also, I'm going to burn Justin Beaver, you're welcome.' Said the great banana god in the sky, as all of the gorilla people danced and worshiped him. It was too bad that they were oblivious to the giant mecha-robot head of Nazi Zombie Pirate Hitler that was about to crash onto earth..."
This is just filler. I seriously have no idea what I'm doing.
"Then Captain Duck, my nemesis, who was a duck with a cape, used my own accidental drunk invention against me, sent me to this alien world of ponies and magic. So that's how I got here!" I concluded my short history recap.
I looked up to see the mailmare sleeping like a baby, snoring cutely.
... Dammit.
*Airhorn.*
"AAAH"
"The point is, Derpy, that I am here to give you your GREATEST desires!" I dramatically waved my hands around. "Anything you have ever dreamed of wanting, all of your wishes coming true!"
"...What?"
I sighed, "I can tell that you're confused. Mostly disoriented, drowsy, and sleepy, but confused. You must be hungry." I pushed the muffins and milk towards her. "Here, eat. It's blueberries, your favorites."
I was somewhat expecting Derpy to be suspicious, hesitantly picking up the muffins before taking a bite.
*Gasp* "MUFFINS!"
But nope. She immediately went OMNOMNOMNOMN on those muffins.
Jesus, she really likes muffins.
"I'll explain, Derpy. My real and full name is Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy. I am an evil emperor of an evil empire. You with me so far?"
"*Nom Nom* Phoo thon'th feem fo bath." She told me as she continued to garble the muffins.
"I'll take that as a yes. Anyway, you have somehow gained this evil emperor's attention. Which is a good thing, because I'm going to offer you a wonderful, beautiful deal that will seem too good to be true! ... BUT."
...
Any moment now.
"I said, BUT..."
"*Omn nom nom, Gulp* ... But what?"
"Sorry, is my body on fire?"
"What? No."
"Dammit, seriously?" I looked up at the hidden camera, "Come on guys! We rehearsed this! When I begin to tell the drawbacks of the deal, you set me on fire to make me more evil and intimidating!"
*KZZT*"Sorry boss, but for some reason, the special effects aren't working."
"Look, just give me the controller!"
"No, I got it."
"Give me the controller!"
"Wait, stop it! I know what I'm doing!"
"You got the circuits all wrong!"
"God damn it, give back the controller, you'll mess it up!"
*Crash*
"... Whoops."
"We kinda have a slight problem. Anyway, you're gonna have to wing it while we fix it. I swear to god, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE PIECES OF SHITS!""*KZZT*
...
"Well, that was a thing. Anyway, yeah. There's two small catches. But they are really, really small, and it shouldn't affect your life too much. So, interested?"
Derpy swallowed another muffin before asking, "Wait, I still don't get it. What are you selling again?"
"Oh Derpy, you derp. I'm not here to sell you anything. I'm here to fulfill!" I walked over to her, put my arm around her shoulder and pointed to a random direction dramatically. "Imagine yourself and your two daughters. You've just lost your jobs, and now you can't make ends meet. Your food, gone. Your water, all dried up. The roof over your head, demolished. Nowhere to go, nowhere to survive. Can't pay for their education, can't pay for their warmth, can't pay for their hunger and thirst. Living out in the street with nothing on their backs. Isn't that a scary image?" She nodded, quivering at the thought. "Now, this is where I come in."
Quickly sliding across the room, I ducked down behind the table and setup a mini-stage on it.
Clearing my throat, I pulled a piece of string that pulled up a cardboard sign that said "Wishes Come True!" in crayola crayons. I held up one pony doll that looked exactly like Derpy, and a sock puppet with an evil mustache and eyebrows.
Derpy and Connery EvilSockpuppet were walking along Puppet Street, when suddenly, bad guys!
"Well you see little Derpy, if you're ever surrounded by jerks, behind your every flank,
All you have to do is scream for help and my robots will charge in like tanks!"
Mini-minion-bot action figures to the rescue, kicking all the baddies off the stage!
"You got some powers in your hooves now! My minion-bots are at your beck and call!
They'll do whatever to make you smile, just ask and they'll do it all!"
The minion-bot action figures proceeded to carry Doll Derpy around in her mini-throne.
"Whoa!"
At the same time, Derpy had realized that she was also sitting on a small Derpy-colored throne, being carried by my minion-bots.
"And we'll go, 'Lieutenant Derpy, Ma'am, what will your orders be?'
We'll take care of you and your family!"
"You ain't never had a friend like me!" Connery EvilSockPuppet said to her face.
We were already out of the room, in the hallway, being carried by my minion-bots.
"You say that your life is hard? Well we'll be the remedy!
So just sit back and enjoy the ride, 'cause you ain't never had a friend like me!"
A few minion-bots that were carrying Derpy ran to the other hallway as I was taken somewhere else.
Setting her mini-throne down, it slid across the floor as my minion-bots slid after her, while simultaneously prepping her as if she was in a salon.
"Oh yes, we were built up to perfection.
Satisfaction guaranteed!"
"Want a mani?"
"Or a pedi?"
"A facial massage?"
"Everything you've ever dreamed!"
Carrying her back up, they ran to the dinner theater and set her down at a table near the stage. It was filled with the sweetest, tastiest food ever made!
"Try one of everything
from our finest cuisine!"
"You'll get all this and so much more!
'Cause you ain't never had a friend like me!"
The curtains rose, as I jumped out onto the stage, in a fancy tap-dancing suit, with cane included. Behind me were my backup dancers, one in a giant Derpy costume, and the other in a Connery EvilSockPuppet costume. I tap-danced my heart out, like a whirlwind who likes to tap dance a lot! Derpy was applauding, giggling at our antics.
"Do your friends do this?" Said a robot who spun his body parts around like a tornado.
"Can your friends make that?" Said another robot, pointing at the flying helicopter chair above us.
"Could your friends pull this..." I pulled a giant missile out of my ass. "Out of their little aas-.... um, back-pockeeeeet?!"
I lit the missile-
"Can your friends go BOOM?!"
The missile went up and exploded to make thousands of amazing fireworks!
"Well looky here!"
My minion-bots carried her away to another part of the stage.
"Can your friends go clinkety-clank, bangity bang, and MAKE AN EMPIRE OUT OF THIN AIR?!"
A big set of stairs materialized, with minion-bots in bow-ties on the side, kicking their legs up, show-girl style, to the song.
"So, don't you just sit there buggy-eyed, I'm here to answer all of your midday prayers!
You got me bonafide, certified! You got an emperor for your chare d'affairs!
I got a powerful urge to help you out. So whatcha want? I really wanna know!
Just sign this contract, and you'll be set! We're all raring to gooo-OOOH!"
All of my minion-bots sung simultaneously.
"Lieutenant Derpy, ma'am, what will your orders be?
It's us you own!-"
"You adorable pone!" I booped her nose.
Dancing my way up the stairs, I continued singing all the way to the top.
"You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,
You ain't never!
HAD A
FRIEND
LIIIIKE
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Fireworks and lightning and doves shot out of everywhere! Boom, rainbow! Pow, more magical light effects! Everything flashy was unleashed for her eyes, as we all kicked our feet into the air!
"You ain't never had a friend like me!"
Everything was silent.
We were all still posing from our finale, waiting patiently.
....
"That was amazing!" Derpy applauded, stomping her hooves on the ground.
Welp, that was our cue to rest. Another job well done. Everyone was murmuring their congratulations, and cleaning up the area, as I quickly stepped down the stairs and sat across from Derpy at her table.
"Are you entertained? There will be plenty of that in the future! All you have to do, is sign this little piece of contract paper here." I pulled out the contract and a pen and set them on the table, waiting for her to sign it.
Surprisingly enough, she didn't sign it right away. "Wait..."
"Hm? Something you're not satisfied about?"
"No, it's not that! I mean, don't get me wrong, this is all so cool, and everything! But, it sort of seems too good to be true... What do I have to do to pay?"
"Hm.... Well, I guess I should tell you the catch of all this..." I started out ominously enough, that it made her ears flop down. "The catch is.... You quit your job, work for me for 30 bits an hour, and we turn your old house into a coffee shop, while also adding tons of new improvements to it, such as a Jacuzzi, a giant playroom with toys the size of Godzilla, an arcade room, a spa, I also need to replace your bed with a bigger, more comfier version. Also, I may need you as a chef so that you can make some muffins for us to sell in the coffee shop, and all the money goes to you, of course. But that's about it."
An awkward silence fell between us.
"T-that's it?" She stuttered, as if not believing a word I just said.
"That's it."
"B-but, 30 bits an hour? That's... about 20,000 a month! I earn about 4 to 5 bits an hour with my mailmare job! And... you'll be rebuilding my house to be bigger and better?"
"Yep."
...
"Are you sure you're evil?"
"Ha! Now why would I lie about that? I'm as evil as evil can be! May the gods set fire to me if I'm otherwise."
*Fwoosh*
"Hey boss! I fixed the special effects controller!"
...
"That was just bad timing."
Derpy signed the contract after that, and I got myself a new henchman!
*HENCHMAN GET*
NEXT TIME ON THIS SHIT.
The Mane Six comes to investigate the new evil Coffee Shop!
.... that's about all I had planned.
Fuck, I need something for next chapter... uh....
Oh yeah, something something enemy of the past comes back to haunt Connery.
"Quack"
..... Fuck, I need more ideas...
...
Anyone wanna see "Captain Duck: The Origins"?