After nearly an hour of stomping through the woods, Rotnart was exhausted and hungry. He looked over his shoulder for the hundredth time to make sure that he was not being followed. The devious troll was pretty sure no one was tracking him, but when one was dealing with Ernest P. Worrell, one never knew what to expect. Ernest played the part of the fool well, but deep down Rotnart knew that the man was as cunning as a fox--an insane fox that was easily confused, but a fox none the less.
To slake his growing hunger, he ripped off a piece of tree bark and munched on it like it was a piece of jerky. As the ravenous troll chewed the coarse outer skin of the tree, his eyes lit up with delight.
“Wow! This tastes great. I must be in the Big Troll Candy Mountain,” he grinned.
Forgetting the fact that Ernest might still be hunting him, he began to strip the tree of all the bark he could reach and gorged himself until he swelled up like a balloon. His ragged clothes struggled to cover his massive belly. After letting out a very loud and prolonged fart to relieve his stomach, he spied a pair of squirrels watching him with utter disgust.
Not liking the looks the small creatures were giving him, Rotnart ripped off two large pieces of bark from a second tree and began to chase the now terrified creatures.
“Come here, my nutty little friends,” he huffed as he ran. “I won’t harm you. I just want to make a sandwich out of your tiny furry hides.”
It was tough going, running on his short stubby legs with a belly full of bark. The squirrels were quick, but surprisingly the persistent troll was closing the distance. Rotnart made a lunge for the trailing squirrel and enveloped it between two delicious pieces of maple bark. The troll drooled in anticipation.
Wiping his mouth, he laughed, “Yeah, you didn’t think the fat slow troll would be able to catch you. You thought you could just waltz up to me and question my table manners without fear. Well, my scrawny little meat slice, you thought wrong.”
Rotnart opened his mouth wide and slowly inched his sandwich to his jaws, enjoying the moment. Suddenly, he heard a noise to his right. The troll froze; the squirrel meal was practically inside his mouth. Rotnart spat out his hard-won sandwich and watched as the squirrel raced off into the forest. Lucky bastard. Rotnart dove into a nearby rose bush and fought to keep from crying out as he landed painfully in the thorns. And the roses smelled terrible. Their sickly sweet smell really did a number on his allergies. He covered his mucus-filled nose with a massive hand and tried not to breathe in.
Despite his agony, Rotnart kept quiet. The noise was getting closer. It sounded like someone was walking his way, whistling a happy tune. Sweating nervously, the troll silently cursed himself for his love of bark and squirrels. Why did he have to stop to eat so damn much? It was all over. That foxy Worrell had finally found him.
“I know you’re in there,” a calm voice said. “You can’t hide from me. Ask anypony around here. I’m the hide and seek champion.”
From inside the bush, the troll stopped picking thorns out of his butt, and a confused look creased his ugly face. That didn’t sound at all like Worrell. It must be one of his deadly henchkids, armed with a milk gun. The mental image of himself dissolving into a puddle of goo while a smiling child cackled, made him sweat. He shook his head. Maybe the kid was bluffing. Yeah, there was no way that anyone could spot him in his supreme hiding spot.
“I can see you. You know that right? Is it comfortable sitting on rose thorns? I’m just asking, because if that floats your boat, who am I to judge?”
“$&%!” Rotnart swore.
Well, he wouldn’t be just a sitting target. Rotnart squirmed in the bush to reach for his sword but couldn’t. He stretched behind him, attempting to get the spellbook from his pack, but that was out of reach as well. The troll then tried to rise from his awkward position but was stuck fast. His short beard, hair, and clothes were too intertwined with the thorn vines to do anything.
Frustrated beyond words, he threw all caution to the wind, as he ripped his body free of the thorns, pulling with all of his might. He arose from the rose bush with a high pitched scream as he left a large portion of his hair and beard behind. As he yelled, he saw a shadowy being some feet away, watching him with wide yellow eyes.
The bloody troll yelled at the mysterious creature, “You want a piece of me? I’ve defeated the mighty thorn bush! I’ll defeat you too.”
The dark form stepped forward from the shadows of the nearby trees and revealed himself in the moonlight. The being was tall, furry, scaly, and feathery. It looked like a demented god decided to cut and paste a dozen different animal parts together saying, “I did it. I did it. I’ve created the world’s must f(#%ed up creature. I think I’ll call it a chimera. It’s Latin for f(#%ed up creature.”
The strange animal spoke condescendingly, “Aw, there you are, Sweetie Pie.”
Rotnart immediately hated it and wanted the creature dead.
“You are just as cute as a button in your adorable messed up clothes.” The mismatched animal suddenly teleported over to where the troll was standing and began to ruffle his hair. “Where did you come from, little guy?”
In reply, the troll yelled, “Get your filthy hands off of me, you freak! You will not fondle the king of trolls!”
Rotnart tried to push the tall creature away but found that it had disappeared. From above him, Rotnart heard the monster ask, “A king are you? How interesting. So if you’re a king, then what does that make that lanky thing over there in the hat?”
From behind him, the troll heard the familiar laugh of his arch nemesis, “Eh-heh-heh-heh.”
As he slowly turned around, Rotnart’s blood froze in his veins.
Behind him stood Ernest P. Worrell with a maniacal smile on his face. Without saying a word, Ernest drew back his fist and made as if to punch the troll in the face.
Rotnart collapsed in fright and wet himself. He writhed on the ground, expecting any second to feel agonizing pain, because surely Ernest had come prepared with milk. After several moments of screaming for his daddy troll, he felt no pain. The troll cautiously peered through the gaps in-between his fingers to gaze up at Ernest. But Ernest was not there. Instead, he was looking up at the disfigured monster.
“Judging from your calm and collected reaction to this . . .somepony, I take it you are trying to avoid him?” The mismatched monster asked.
Rotnart was too enraged to speak, so instead he tried to cleave the monster in half with his sword. The blade passed right through the chimera; the creature had split itself in two halves before the blade struck. The two halves of the creature reformed into identical copies of one another. Despite loathing the chimera with every fiber of his being, Rotnart was developing a healthy respect for its awesome power. Sensing he was in a predicament he could not win through force, he silently fumed and sheathed his weapon.
“Who and what are you, freak?” Rotnart growled.
Both of the chimeras knelt and bowed their heads before Rotnart and spoke in unison, “Why, the name of your humblest of servants is Discord, oh king of trolls, first and only draconequus of Equestria.”
The troll raised an eyebrow at this and said, “That’s nice. Now make like the wind and &%$@ off before I kill you.” The threat was weakly delivered, and the monster seemed to sense it.
The creature snapped its fingers, and one of its copies disappeared. The remaining Discord raised his head at this and said, “Uh, don’t you mean buck off, your majesty?”
“If it will make you leave, then yes.”
Discord stood up and asked, “What’s the rush, oh nattiest of the nasties? Are you late for a very important date?” Discord then turned into a white rabbit, wearing a black suit frantically gesturing to an oversized pocket watch. In reply, Rotnart threw a nearby rock at the rabbit. The disguised Discord dodged this easily.
Reappearing at the troll’s side in his normal form, Discord said, “I’ll tell ya what. I like you, so let’s play a game. I like to call it Guess Who’s Nosy. Here’s how you play. I ask a question, and then you ask a question. When we touch on a subject that one of us does not want to talk about, we say ‘Guess Who’s Nosy,’ and the pony who said that phrase loses. If you win, I’ll do something nice for you. If I win, you gotta do something for me. What do you say?”
As Rotnart considered Discord’s proposition, the chimera continued, “And don’t worry about the tall lanky creature. The last time I saw him, he and his dog were talking to a grizzly bear, and the bear certainly wasn’t happy. I didn’t really stick around to see what Mr. Bear did to him. Bears typically don’t appreciate strangers. Anyway, I saw you wandering around lost in the woods, eating tree bark and I said to myself, ‘I don’t think he’s from around here.’ Am I right?”
The troll breathed a sigh of relief, as he took in this new information about Ernest. Hopefully, that human had been eaten by the bear.
“Suppose I don’t want to play your game?” Rotnart asked.
Discord frowned and scratched his chin with a claw thoughtfully. “Well, I guess I’ll have to do my civic duty and report you to the local authorities for being such a spoil sport . . . and for trying to eat squirrels and devouring trees. Which by the way I gotta ask, what does tree bark taste like?”
The king’s eyes narrowed as he weighed his options. “Like your mother. Now ask your damn question.”
Discord beamed at the troll and snapped his fingers. Rotnart suddenly found himself reclining on a comfortable couch. Wearing a pair of eye-glasses, the chimera for his part was in a regular seat dipping a quill pin in a floating ink well. “Alright, first question, my dear,” Discord began. “What’s your name?”
“Rotnart,” the troll replied, pushing himself off the couch angrily.
“Rotnart,” Discord scribbled the name down on his note pad. “First of all . . .”
“Hey, wait a minute,” the troll demanded. “You asked your question. It’s my turn.”
Discord smirked at the troll. “Heh, you catch on quickly, your majesty.” The misshapen animal crossed his legs and leaned back leisurely in his chair. “Very well, shoot.”
The troll stood up and asked, “Where’s the nearest town?”
Lazily, Discord pointed a clawed thumb behind him and said, “About a mile that way.”
Discord then wiggled a finger beckoningly at the couch Rotnart had vacated. The couch came forward like a dog bounding to meet its master and tripped the troll from behind. The four-foot troll fell backwards onto the cushions.
“Now, where was I?” Discord asked, glancing as his notes, oblivious to the troll’s outrage. “Oh, yes. Rotnart, where did you come from?”
Before the troll answered, Discord interrupted and said, “And let’s be specific and detailed with our answers from now on. I don’t want to be here all night, trying to pry information out of you, and I am sure you feel the same about me, agreed?”
Finally, settling onto the couch for it was quite cushy, Rotnart nodded. He then began to pick lint out of his huge belly button through a fresh whole in his shirt. “I’m from Briarville, Missouri. If you haven’t heard of the place, it is because the town is a $&^% hole.”
Discord scribbled everything the troll had said on his notepad. “Nope, never heard of it. But it must be pretty awful, coming from a place called Misery. Anyway, it’s your turn.”
Before the troll asked his question, he sat up on his elbows and marshaled his thoughts. This took a few minutes.
“Any day now,” Discord sighed.
“Is there an old tree in this forest?” Rotnart finally blurted.
Discord laughed at this and said, “Let me check.” He looked to his left and right and nodded. “Yes. Indeed there is.”
Rotnart yelled, “Let me finish, freak! A tree unlike any other whose roots go deep and span the forest floor. A tree that is very special beyond words. A tree that is powerful. Maybe even magical. You got anything like that here?”
After hearing the question, the smile Discord was wearing disappeared briefly. He took off his glasses and looked at the troll thoughtfully. “Yes, there is. It’s called the Tree of Harmony. It’s a very special tree, full of magic, wonder, love, happiness, and etcetera,” he said, rolling his eyes and sticking out his tongue.
Discord readjusted his glasses, “Well, that changes my next question. Why do you ask?”
Rotnart wiped his nose with the back of his hand before answering. He knew from here on he had to be careful and not give away too much information to this creature. Rotnart had to get to this tree if he was to rebuild the troll kingdom. “My father, Trantor, was imprisoned under an oak tree for two hundred years, give or take.”
“Really!” Discord exclaimed, surprised. “Let me tell you something, that sucks. I’ve had a similar experience happen to me and. . .” he trailed off and shuddered. Clearing his throat, Discord prompted, “Go on.”
Giving the creature a curious look, Rotnart continued, “My father was put there by a man named Phenias Worrell, the great great grand pappy of Ernest P. Worrell, the douche bag that is hopefully being eaten by a bear. I hate that guy. But before Phenias bound him to the tree, Trantor cursed him so that each generation of Worrells that came after him would become stupider and stupider. My dad foresaw that one of Worrell’s descendants would eventually release him.”
At this point, Discord held up his hand and said, “This is all very interesting, but you haven’t answered my question.”
“I’m getting there,” Rotnart snapped back. “Trantor used his magic to enchant the tree and created me, my brothers, and sisters.”
Discord held up a paw to interrupt the troll. “Ah, okay, I see where this is going. Let me guess. You want to take a look at the Tree of Harmony to see if you can do the same thing your dad did?” He began to count on his fingers. “You’re not a true king. You want your own troll army to get rid of Ernest. You want to go home and take the troll throne for yourself.”
Rotnart just stared at Discord, dumbfounded. “Yes, I mean no. I uh, just want to look at the tree and maybe borrow some of its power so I can go home. Can you take me there?”
The chimera tugged at his goatee for a few seconds, considering the trolls request. He suddenly grinned at him and said, “Oh, why not. I’ll take you there, just because you’re so darn cute.”
Discord snapped his fingers, and both creatures disappeared into the night.