The Masseur

by NachoTheBrony

The Masseur 11: Slow and Steady

The Masseur 11: Slow and Steady

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 244 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 20, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 15, 2013.

We stopped for the weekend. I forgot to mention it yesterday, but I had arranged myself a flying chariot to pick me up early and deliver me to ~Ponyville~, where I spent the day prospecting for a place to build a lab-cum-house. I eventually found a pretty nice spot: pretty far away from the town (so noises from my coming steam-power experiments and smells from my not-always-vegetarian fare will not bother any neighbours), pressed between an apple orchard and a maple forest. It even has a nice little stream, which I’m planning to channel for hydropower and to pond for farming fishes or so.
Besides, the city hall was giving me a crazy bargain: this lot measures roughly an acre, and they are selling it to me for 1000 gold pieces, with then a secondary quote of 400 pieces for a five-by-six (canes) log cabin and 500 for a seven-by-ten warehouse. Considering that the average price for a home in-town is 3500 pieces, and that I wouldn’t have a decent-sized lab or that neighbours would complain about my cooking, I think I have a deal.
I’ll think about it for a few days, but I’m already certain that I’ll be buying.

April 15, 2013
I need to write this down, so I can later remember it straight:
I am forgiving Selene because she was unknowingly committing statutory rape on me, whereas statutory rape is defined as “Apparently consensual sex with someone who is in no condition to give consent”.
Examples coming to mind:
(1) A teenager couple that is technically committing statutory rape on each other.
(2) Somebody with a mental disability, whom may or may not be legally considered a minor regardless of age in some jurisdictions.
(3) A magical princess who thought that her lover was “playing it cool” with public, while he was actually thinking that he was going bananas.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 246 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 22, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 17, 2013.

Back from the weekend.
Yesterday I had dinner at Good Listener’s home. Inky and Chatty tried to be graceful wives with their boyfriend’s friends and experimented with their oven, making something that looked like a roast beef, smelled of mushrooms, apples and bananas, and tasted like fruit-rolled sawdust.
Good Listener played ‘Dutiful Husband’ and almost convinced me that he liked the taste. He even had a second helping.
I played ‘Grateful Guest’ and cleaned my plate. I did refuse seconds, though.
Chatty and Inky tried to eat their own monster, but failed.
And Hikaru was a coward and ran for the hills as soon as we entered their apartment and smelled the roast.
Today I’m totally constipated, but I made the girls feel good. If I have my say in it, Good Listener will never hear a complaint about his ‘obnoxious alien friend’ referring to me.

On today’s news: the crew installed five hundred more meters of lines today, with the usual pattern of one utility pole every forty meters, plus three construction-grade, windproof clouds in between.
Tomorrow we’ll cross a small ravine, but we expect no real delays: for us we have a bridge, and for the lines we will simply use a few more clouds than usual.
Something that I do find annoying is that, the day after tomorrow, the other half of my original personnel will be rotated into other projects. The good news, however, is that we expect a half-day overlap (breakfast to lunch), so the old guys will be able to train the rookies.

And my four Royal Guards have yet to be rotated, mainly because they are rotating with each others, so I only have one guard at a given time. I have even got them to relax enough to take off their armours while off duty, rather than only for bathing and sleeping.
I haven’t written anything about them, have I? Well, these four are the first ones that have been assigned to me for an extended amount of time (maids would rotate twice a day, and guards would rotate once every three days), thus the first four that I have had long enough to care to get to know. Three come from the Day Guard and another from the much-less-numerous Night Guard. Guess who guards between midnight and dawn and rings the bells to wake up the camp each morning? Anyway, I’ll describe them:
Dawn-till-lunch: a male pegasus named ~Igneous Spear~. I find it kind of ironic that, once the armour’s cosmetic enchantment comes off, he looks almost exactly like how the Night Guard is supposed to look: dark grey coat, dark purple mane and tail and yellow eyes. On duty he’s a perfect Guard (to the point where you can barely watch him blink), and off-duty he keeps to himself, never smiles and seems to dedicate his free time to practice, meditate and sleep. If he would volunteer on his off time, just like the other guards and me, I believe I would have a great deal of respect for him, rather than just consider him a frosty jerk.
Lunch-till-dinner: a female Earthy named ~Pink Monolith~, who definitely honours her name: pink coat, moss-green mane and tail (clashing horribly with her coat), and genes that made her grow up into looking more solid than your average mountain. She’s also the youngest guard I have had posted to my service. And while she’s perfectly dour on duty, off duty she’s kind to others, yet melancholic when she things nobody’s looking. ~Supernova~ has told me that the girl ran away from her home, enlisted on the very same day that she turned sixteen, and counts the days until she turns eighteen and can change her name to “Rose Blossom” without parental approval. I believe it remains unsaid that the girl has plenty of issues.
Dinner-till-midnight: A unicorn named ~Backdrop Painter~. A pleasant enough fellow, but, quite frankly, one of those guys who just tend to fade into the background.
Midnight-till-dawn: a bat pegasus by the name ~Supernova~. She’s the complete counterpart of ~Igneous Spear~, from her natural appearance being that of being a Day Guard (except for being a bat pegasus), to being personable and generally fun to be around, and willing to go beyond duty and help around the camp. In all honesty, I’ve taken to napping around the day so I can accompany her for a while during her otherwise boring shift.  

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 249 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 25, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 20, 2013.

New personnel: I said goodbye to the last of my original crew yesterday. The rookies are finally working without hesitation, though, and we worked up to standard speed today.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 251 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 27, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 22, 2013.

Weekend break. Didn’t return to the camp at night, rather having arranged with Good Listener and co to bunk in their sofa, so I could go to the castle during Night Court and request a short private audience with Selene.
Tonight, I’ll be telling her that I forgive her.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 252 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 28, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 23, 2013.

I’m banging my head on my desk as I write this down.
My distance calculations are completely wrong: checking a newer, better labelled map, I’ve seen that the point I supposedly had as the town happens to be nothing but a campground on the midpoint between ~Canterlot~ and ~Ponyville~. Thus, my calculations are short by 100%!
Serves me right for always curling into a ball whenever I have to take a flying chariot. I had never seen the terrain or sensed the distance until I began noticing some discrepancies, and finally decided to check just what the heck did the distance of one ~journey~ translated into metric: roughly 80 clicks on easy terrain.
Fuck. Me.
I was going over the fact that, for humans, the equivalent measurement is some 40 kilometres: the distance that a Roman Legionary could sustainably march every day while carrying his whole equipment.
Of course, ponies aren’t human.

And yeah, the crew got work done today: there were some delays during the week, so the crew decided to assemble during ‘Sunday’ afternoon and do a half-day.
I certainly love the locals’ work ethics.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 255 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 31, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 26, 2013.

Hikaru asked me if I was okay with him and the linguist trio to come spend a short holiday with me. I said ‘sure’. They’ll be here tomorrow.
As it turns out, ~Luna~ declared Night Court closed for the next ten days, so Hikaru suddenly has time for visiting me. Good Listener, Lippy and Inky apparently have loads of overdue vacation time from their work in the Royal University and taking ten days is cheap for them, even on short notice.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 256 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 32, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 27, 2013.

The camp went into mutiny against me.
News came that I would be having some visitors this afternoon, so everybody decided to remind me that, while I love to work the same eight hours as the rest of the crew, and while I voluntarily take tasks that ponies dislike (like sharpening tools or setting the ceramic insulators), my only real duty is to rubberstamp my foreman’s decisions. So they gave me picnic basket and a black cloud with a leash and told me to get lost.
And well, my visitors arrived. Nothing out of the ordinary, although I found it quite funny that, out of two guys and two gals, it is the gals the ones who are taking camping like fishes to water.
I mean: like an hour ago, I heard Good Listener’s yell his dismay at there not being a proper bed. He was then pushed inside their tent by the girls and... well... he’s currently making me very, very jealous.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 257 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 33, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 28, 2013.

I caught the girls using friction to start a fire.
Using it successfully.
Once they had a bonfire going and a couple of breadfruits roasting, the girls begun telling us just how the heck they are so good at camping. Their birthday unfortunately falls right on New Year’s Eve (Spring 92), so their birthday parties would often have almost none of their friends coming. So, starting when they were six years old, their father, ~Big Reader~, begun taking them camping on their birthday. They then began going on anecdotes about how their idea of a perfect birthday tends to be about blowing two candles off from a cake that looks like somebody sat on it, then cuddling with their daddy by a campfire until they would fall asleep. We eventually ate the breadfruits, and they told more anecdotes about their dad, and they joked about him being guilty for their poor cooking, as he raised them on pancakes, veggie soups and cold salads.
The ~Big Reader~ I know might be anal retentive enough to have no need for toilets, but he certainly sounds like a great dad: one that would try, unlike mine.
Whatever; I’m digressing. It’s curious how much time I had spent around the girls, yet I had never really gotten to know them. I will make darn sure to correct that.
I didn’t even know they were sisters, let alone twins. I had always found them to be very similar in personality, but I thought them to be best friends rubbing off on each other. And it didn’t help that, while they are what passes for identical twins among ponies (as in, they have identical colours, but swapped), their level of contrast makes them look starkly different: Inky is sandy hair on auburn pelt, and puts her hair on a bun, while Chatty is auburn on sandy pelt and keeps her hair loose.  
Whatever: I’m simply an awful friend. Even if I couldn’t notice, I should have asked. I should have been trying to be friend to the girls, and not only to their boy.

On different issues, today arrived a squad from the Night Guard: an officer and four troopers. The officer identified herself as ~Serene Moonlight~ and will stay with the camp for a week, giving a week off to my assigned guards.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 258 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 34, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 29, 2013.

Two of my traps from last night caught rabbits.
Hikaru nearly cried when I showed him the skinned animals, and he could barely wait long enough for them to roast before devouring his. Turns out that, other than the occasional eggs, he hadn’t had meat since we left Earth. He’s currently moaning in pain on his cot, but he insists that it is ‘good pain’.
Now I feel awful for those few times when the maids at the castle would burn me an old hen, and I never checked if Hikaru and Robbie had theirs. I think that I will start sending them ‘care packages’ of preserved meat.
I only ate half of my own rabbit. I cut it into quarters and offered to share with the trio. Good Listener politely refused but a bite (so I then ate his part), and Inky and Chatty had a quarter each. Their stomachs are somewhat upset at the moment, but they insist they are no worse than after eating camp fare cooked by their dad.
And, on the way back, the guard that was looking over us eventually stepped on the discarded entrails and got violently sick.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 259 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 35, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: April 30, 2013.

Hikaru is just so indigested! And he will not allow anybody to tell him otherwise.
The girls are somewhat sick as well, but they assure me that the food tasted great, and Good Listener assures me that they routinely get worse from their own cooking attempts.
Good Listener was the one who made lunch and dinner today. Incidentally, I learned how not to roast eggplants.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 261 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 37, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: May 2, 2013.

Hikaru is back on his feet. So much that he found a nice little creek and surprised me with a bunch of fishes, which he then spit-roasted precisely the way I’ve seen so many times in anime.
Everyone loved the roast fishes, except for the guard that was overlooking us. Thankfully, Hikaru had tossed the fish entrails into the fire, so the guard didn’t have a chance of stepping onto more.
Not that we told him.

And Inky and Chatty are currently trying to be discreet as they ride Good Listener, but I can still hear some squeaking from an overloaded camp bed, and some giggling. Oh, and the wind is blowing my way.
Some time ago he told me, after much prodding and plenty of drinks, how they solve the three-bodies problem: they started by one of the girls saying that she wasn’t in the mood so Goody would concentrate on the other, but Goody tells me that doing so made him feel like he was cheating. They eventually solved the thing in two ways: it is either very gentle cuddle-sex (usually them necking with him until they push him down and one of them climbs on), or if they want it hard, the girls will put a strap-on on him and position themselves so their flowers are pressed together, then he makes sure that both real-him and fake-him are inside and rides on.
And while I envy him right this second, I can also say that I have come to know him well enough to pity him. He knows he can’t quite satisfy his two girls and he knows that he isn’t bringing a lot to the table (while his salary is the same as each of theirs, they are well-of nobility while he could only afford his studies through a scholarship),
Can’t find the words.
Can’t concentrate!
Damn! I’m too horny to concentrate on writing, and having Hikaru in my tent doesn’t let me do something about the tent in my pants.

Oh, yeah: the best way to put Goody’s situation is that he’s afraid of the girls one day waking up and realising that out there are stallions much better than him: bolder, better looking, members of the peerage, richer, better lovers.
Even so, I know the girls enough to declare them to be too happy with him just for being who he is.
NOTE TO SELF: ask the girls if he has proposed yet. If not, arrange to railroad him into doing so. It’s weird to think that, despite living together, I think that Good Listener is still far too insecure to actually be their fiancée, let alone husband.

NOTE TO SELF: Once you have gotten to know the girls well enough, ask them how they feel about sharing a boyfriend. While you expect the ‘standard twins answer’, they may surprise you.

May 3, 2013; very early morning

I can’t sleep.
Right this moment, I’m feeling like running all the way to the castle, checking if Selene’s available and then fucking her until she can pronounce my human name right. No more ‘Neigh-shoh’!
Not gonna happen, but the temptation is there.

What is going to happen is that I will ask the guard to not wake us up in the morning, and tomorrow today evening I will get ready the Sigma and the other telephoto for serving as telescopes.
Wish I could safely charge the batteries.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 262 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 38, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: May 3, 2013.

We got childish today and played on a clearing.
Chasing each others is quite refreshing when some of your playmates are small horses: they can run much, much faster than you can, but you can somewhat level the field by making use of trees and doing stuff like grabbing a branch and turn on a dime, or using your arms to bounce off trees. And well, there’s also the little detail that they are about at least twice as heavy as we are, so they have to put on ‘kids gloves’ lest they break us.

Officer ~Moonlight~ took a shift escorting us today. This deserves to be mentioned due to none of us having meat to cook today, yet she producing a couple of rabbits and then surprising us by expertly dressing them for spit roasting and picking some wild herbs for seasoning. She eventually had some, and further surprised us when she begun talking shop about small game and ways to cook it. About it, she commented that, while it had been years and years since the last time she had any meat, it evokes memories about spending time with her next-door neighbours, a family of gryphons.
I am not certain if she did okay by the Guard rulebook when she accepted sitting down with us and chatted away like four hours. I’m telling nobody, though.
After supper, we took my cameras and used them for stargazing. The girls seemed to have studied the constellations in the past, but have also forgotten them. Thankfully, Officer ~Moonlight~ seemed to know them perfectly and saved us.

The girls are currently giggling inside their tent. Every now and then I can also hear a sigh that I’m sure is Goody’s. Cuddle-sex, I guess, although he might be going down on them: he says he doesn’t much like giving them oral because that’s among the sexual forms where he has to ignore the other, with the corollary of him doing it if the girls explicitly ask him to. He described it as something akin to daisy-chaining, where one girl eats him while he eats the other one.

I can’t sleep.
I’m currently just wondering how does a human dick compare to a pony’s. On Earth, horses and donkeys have dicks a third as long as their bodies, so a normal mare may take my arm up to the elbow, and Selene may take it in almost to my shoulder. Therefore, despite being largish for a human, I would be microscopic for a pony, especially taking into account that the second largest pony I have ever seen is wooing me. On the other hand, I could be really lucky and these magical ponies to be like gorillas and kangaroos: dicks so small that look like cigarettes in relationship with their body sizes. If so, then my size would be around pony average, thus just smallish for Selene’s size.
If I remember correctly from the Kama Sutra (damned batteries!), sexual joinings are preferable when the partners are of equivalent size, and become less pleasing the further apart the sizes are: ‘there is nothing good about joinings between elephants and (small animals): an elephant man will give nothing but pain to a (small animal) woman, and may risk her life if he seeds her with an elephant baby; a (small animal) man will waste his efforts to bring an elephant woman to his bed if she cannot feel his coition, and will thus seek another man who she can feel’.
One way or another, I really need to know how I compare.
NOTE TO SELF: Check out a descriptive anatomy book from the Royal Library. Just tell them that you are trying to design an improved harness or something.

~Cornbread Chip~’s Personal Journal, Day 265 in ~Equestria~
~Spring 41, Year 3 of the Fourth Era~
Earth’s Date: May 6, 2013.

My visitors left yesterday.
I went to ~Ponyville~ today and bought the terrain, and also commissioned a builder to have a roof waiting for me when I arrive.
When I finally arrive.
This project will take fucking forever!