Guy Talk
All Access Octavia
Episode 13
“Are we on the air?” She asked confused.
“Yeah, Octavia. We’ll take it from here.” Spike explained.
“I’m Snips.”
“I’m Snails.”
“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify women in a society dominated by them for entertainment. We have a specila guest producer sitting in for Vinyl Scratch who’s out with magic flu. Let’s all give a warm welcome to Octavia.” Snips and Snail hooted as Spike applauded.
“Thank you for allowing me to work with you. I may not be as experienced as Vinyl Scratch, but I hope you will bear with me as I try to meet her expectations.” She said leaving them all kind of speechless.
“Did we really ever expect anything from Vinyl Scratch?” Snails wondered aloud.
“Not really. She always kind of showed up and did her own thing, which was mostly embarrassing Spike.” Snips pointed out.
“Yeah, that’s it! Octavia embarrass Spike.” Snails told her.
“Why would I do such a thing? He seems like such a nice young dragon.”
“Because it’s funny and cool.” Snips said.
“Don’t listen to them, Octavia. You don’t have to embarrass anyone.”
“I have to say I don’t approve much of Vinyl Scratch’s behavior. I think we’ll have a long discussion about her bullying when I get home.”
“Aww, you’re so uptight. Scratch was right about you.” Snips lamented loudly.
“What? I’m uptight! She’s the one who’s always gallivanting around expecting everypony else to clean up her messes. If she sees acting one‘s own age and taking responsibility as uptight, she‘s the one who needs to get her priorities straight.” Thee mare continued to mumble to herself as they decided to change subjects.
“So how are things with Apple Bloom, Spike? I asked her in class and she got all flustered.” Snails asked.
“Rumors are starting to get around, buddy. You might want to get the truth out there before things get messy.” Snips chuckled.
“I guess I don’t have a choice, but it’s nothing special. It’s just we were making out and rolling around. All of a sudden I got this boner and it poked her. Now things are all weird between us. The last couple of times we met we can‘t even kiss cause of… you know. The bad thing is I‘m not sure I want to wait anymore which is something we both agreed on.”
“Pardon me, but aren’t you all just a little to young to be in relationships? I mean you‘re all still in school, yes? Wouldn‘t it be more prudent to complete your education and then pursue a romantic relationship when you‘re more mature?” The three of them stared at Octavia as if she had spoken an entirely different language.
“Are you serious?” Snips asked.
“I’m being quite serious. I’m sure Vinyl Scratch would agree. Surely, she can’t possibly condone dating at your age.”
“Actually, she set Snips and Spike up on dates.”
“Yep, I even got laid.”
“What? I know Vinyl Scratch has been irresponsible in the past, but encouraging fornication amongst such impressionable minds. She‘s gone too far. I‘m calling her this instant!” She said reaching for the phone
“Dude, she has got to go.” Snips whispered.
“She’s seriously cramping our style. It’s like I’m in class with Miss Cheerilee.”
“Come on, guys! It’s only one episode. Let‘s just give it a break.” Spike said trying to calm them down.
“She isn‘t answering. I guess I should let her sleep, but I‘m so furious right now. We’re supposed to be role models for a younger generation. It‘s one thing when her selfish actions affect me, but she‘s ruining your young minds with smut.”
“How about you? When did you start dating?” Snips asked. She look taken aback by the sudden inquiry.
“Me? Well, I don’t see how that’s important. Whatever happened in my past is irrelevant, I am my own mare capable of making my own decisions.”
“So what? As long as we grow up, it doesn’t matter what we do now.” Snips shot back.
“Th-That’s not what I said. I merely meant that you’ll understand once you’re older.” Snips scoffed at her explanation.
“Psh! You’re just a hypocrite. Say what you will about Vinyl Scratch, but at least, she has the decency to let us make our own decisions before judging us. You won‘t even tell us when you started dating. How are we supposed to follow your example when you won‘t even tell us the slightest details about your love life?” Snips snapped. Octavia was left speechless from the young colt’s tirade. She hated to admit it but his words were quite true.
“Hmph! I suppose you’re more mature than I originally gave you credit for. If you must know, I was quite naïve as young filly. I fell in love on several different occasions and always got hurt because of it. Had I been more mature and worldly I could have avoided a lot of heartache in my youth. ”
“How naïve were you?” Snails asked.
“It didn’t take much. A smile, wink, or any kind gesture was enough to make me fall head over hooves unfortunately. I was a perfect mixture of relentless romanticism and overwhelming optimism.”
“If only I’d have been born back then,” Snips said.
“And a whole generation of mares breathes a sigh of relief that you weren‘t, pal..” Spike joked eliciting laughs from everyone except Snips.
“Haha, very funny.” Snips quipped sarcastically.
“I feel as though I owe you all an apology. I realize now that love isn’t something that one can just become better at with age. It takes experience and understanding. I’m sure the things you boys are learning will only make you better people as time goes on.”
“She really doesn’t know that much about Snips.” Snails whispered to Spike.
“I know. Just play it cool for now. She doesn‘t need to know what kind of guy Snips is anyway.” He whispered back.
“So let’s get to the questions?” Snips announced.
“Oh, I have them right here. Shall I pick one out?”
“Go for it.” Spike told her.
“Hmm… Let’s see what we have…. here?” Octavia turned bright red as she looked at the letter.
“What’s wrong? Read the question.” Spike said curious about her sudden silence.
“This question is intensely personal and its in direct relation to my life with Vinyl Scratch.”
“Of course, Vinyl Scratch answers stuff like that all the time.” Spike explained much to the earth pony horror.
“You mean she just airs our dirty laundry on the radio for all of Ponyville.” Her voice cracking.
“What? Of course not!” Snips said causing her to sigh.
“Oh, thank Celestia!”
“We’re syndicated! We broadcast all over Equestria not just Ponyville. Isn‘t that great?” Snails said causing the earth pony’s face to go completely blank.
“Syndicated….. That’s simply wonderful.” She chuckled. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to faint right now.” She said hitting the floor. The three of them jumped out their chairs and ran to her side.
“Is she okay?” Snails asked.
“She’s just unconscious, but what’ll we do when she wakes up? She’s not going to answer any questions on the air.” Snips wondered aloud.
“Well, what if she didn’t know we were on the air?” Spike said rubbing his chin.
“What are you talking about?” Snails asked.
“She’s new. She didn’t even know we were on the air at the beginning of the show. If we just pretend we ended the show before she wakes up, we could get her to answer a few questions.”
“That’s genius.” Snips agreed.
“Uh-oh! She’s waking up.” Snails noticed.
“Let’s get back in our chairs and remember the show’s over.” Spike winked. The two colts nodded as they all ran back to their chairs. Octavia sat up and looked around.
“I’m sorry about that. The shock of it all just hit me.”
“Don’t worry about it. The show’s over.” Spike said playing it cool.
“It is?”
“Yeah, so you can answer any questions or whatever you want!” Snails said playing it not so cool. Snips and Spike shot him angry looks that caused him to flinch as Octavia looked on confused.
“Hmm?”
“I think Snails was just curious about the question.” Snips told her.
“Oh, it was from Fatman333. He asked why Scratch and I aren’t into threesomes among other things. Can you believe somepony would ask something so personal?”
“I.. uhhh… remember her mentioning that. What was that all about?” Spike said shrugging his shoulders.
“First of all, Vinyl Scratch wouldn’t stop at one pony. If I let her have a threesome, she’ll want to add another and another until we’re hosting nightly orgies. Besides, even if I thought she could control herself which she can’t, I don’t trust her taste in ponies. I’ve met some of the ponies she hangs out with and I can hardly stand to be around them, let alone allow them into our bed. I also have to set boundaries. You wouldn‘t believe the things she convinced me to try. Adding another pony would only give her more strange ideas.”
“Like what?” Snips asked.
“I won’t go into details. You may be old enough to date, but you certainly aren’t old enough to hear some of the things she came up with. I should be going anyway. I told Vinyl Scratch I‘d check on her after the show.”
“W-wait a second! How about answering another letter? You know just for laughs.” Spike laughed nervously.
“Yeah, how about it?” Snips chuckled.
“It’s not like we’re on the air or anything!” Snails said once again receiving glares from his friends.
“W-wait a minute! Are we still on the air?” She said panicking.
“Do you think she’s going to pass out again?” Snips asked.
“You evil little miscreants!” She said looking at them with fire in her eyes.
“I don’t think so! I’d like to thank and apologizetoeveryonewholistenedthis. GuyTalksigningoff.” The dragon rattled off as the trio made their escape.
“Come back here, you little monsters!” Octavia shouted as she gave chase.