Last time, on "But I AM Evil!"
I am the narrator, and I'm explaining things in the 3rd person view, which is really confusing since most of the narration comes from a future and/or present 1st person view of the main character.
Blah blah blah, why is this part not funny, blah blah blah.
Now we see a depressed love girl interest!
"I am the cute and mysterious love interest of the main character's mysterious past, which is definitely not just an excuse to write out a bad high-school romance story. I'm going to act cliche, and keep being sad about how the surprisingly not-so-cliche main character is being cliche for not noticing my feelings towards him."
And I, the narrator, shall provide images of her fantasies, and long detailed explanations to show you that she is in love with the main character, even though you probably already figured that out about a fucking chapter ago.
Oh look! A group of cliche douche-bags that are mean and perverted and also have unrealistic personalities with no sense of humanity, just for the sake of being a bunch douche-bags.
"Hey, we're douche-bags! You'll love the part where we get our asses kicked by the main character!"
"I'm that guy that speaks retarded gibberish!"
"Time to harass the mysterious girl that the reader still knows nothing about, other than the fact that she's in love with the main character!"
"Independent and strong girl powers activate! Observe as I act cold and mean towards people I don't like, and only act cute and shy towards the main character, because you absolutely need to know that I am in love with the main character!"
"Insert angry reaction and insult here, which somehow affects your independent and strong personality, and then yell out that the main character hates you!"
"Now I become easily convinced from what the douche-bags say, simply because they mentioned the main character hating me. The narrator will now describe my thoughts, emotions, and actions."
I WILL NOW DESCRIBE HER THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, AND ACTIONS. Cry, cry, maybe he hates her, cry.
This is to show you that she loves the main character. You already knew that, but we had to make sure anyway.
Hey look, the main character jumps in to save the day!
"BADASS ANGRY CUSS!"
I will now take over the narration of the story, hoping that it doesn't confuse you any further. I describe myself as I do awesome amazing shit that the real author wishes he could do. You jelly author?
"Blah blah, random speech, blah."
This is the part where I have a heartwarming moment with my love interest.
"I'm consoling you!"
"I'm happily relieved that you exist!"
"I remain oblivious to your love, even though I can easily tell if you're depressed! That's a thing, somehow..."
And then we have a romantic dance, and then I describe about how her face blushes, and then I end the flashback with subtle hints about feeling the same way towards the love interest, even though I never clarify who she is, other than the fact that she is in love with me! BECAUSE THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW, in case you couldn't tell.
Then dragon.
YAY.
Now, back to the story!
...
I fucking hate myself.
-Le Author
Episode 3: Moving The Story Along (AKA Fuck You Writer's Block!)
There I was, staring down the beast of all beasts. Face-to-face, head-to-head, eye-to-eye with the creature itself, we stare into each other’s souls. My minion-bots cower behind me, not because of the dragon, but because they knew that shit was about to go down.
The biggest showdown in history. Man versus lizard... that was also a giant... and it also breathed fire... and had wings... y'know, 'cause it's a dragon...
As we continued our stare-down, we both prepared ourselves for what was to come.
I pulled a random sword out of my ass, and posed.... menacingly.
The dragon scraped his claws against the ground... menacingly.
I narrowed my eyes... menacingly.
He also narrowed his eyes... menacingly.
Then, suddenly, we both charged into the epic battle!
...
Menacingly.
And thus, we fought!
"AAAAAAAAAH"
"ROOOAAAARR"
We fought the epic battle of all epic battles. I mean, it was so awesome. I feel bad for anyone who wasn't there to witness such an epic moment. There was so much fighting, and so much screaming, oh god it was awesome. I did that one badass thing to the dragon, and he was like, "OOOOOOOWW" and I was like, "HAHAHA" and oh man. Then, then he did that thing to me, and it hurt like hell, but it was also pretty cool. And... oh wow, man, you just had to be there for yourselves to see all of the awesome craziness that came from our battle. It was like, PEW PEW PEW, ROAR, STAB, POW, ZING, PUZUGNOA.
Then I stabbed it, and it fell down, heaven shone light on me, and then doves shot out of my ass, and there was a rainbow, the end.
"And that's how I would defeat you in an epic battle of strengths." I said, sipping my tea.
On the other side the table, sat the dragon, also sipping his own cup of tea. We were having a delightfully friendly conversation about who would kill who in a fight.
"So what do you think?" I asked.
"I think you exaggerate too much. Don't you think it would be highly unrealistic for doves to appear out of nowhere, just as you kill me? I mean, where would you get the doves anyway?"
"Bleh, does it really matter? No one will question it anyway, since it's just a little detail I added." I waved it off.
"Also, the part where heaven shines light upon you, and the sudden rainbow? Really illogical and too convenient to be realistic."
"Hey! I thought that was a really nice touch! This is the story of how I beat a dragon, so it wouldn't hurt to add a few effects in."
"Plus, where do you plan on getting doves this time of year anyway? It's still the fall, so won't all the doves have migrated south or something? IT ISN'T REALISTIC AT ALL!" The dragon stood and slammed his claws onto the table.
Outraged by his sudden outrage, I too, slammed my hands onto the table angrily. "OH COME ON! WHY WOULD ANY OF THAT MATTER?! IT'S JUST DETAILS TO MAKE THE STORY COOLER!"
"IT MATTERS BECAUSE OF CONSISTENCY, YOU LAZY, OVER-EXAGGERATING ASS!" The dragon yelled, flipping the table over.
"LAZY?! I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S THE LAZY ONE HERE!"
"ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA-"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-"
Then we found its cave.
...
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"
Meanwhile, in a different part of the Everfree forest, but still in the Everfree forest.
The Mane 6 continue to follow and stalk our main evil protagonist, watching his every move, studying him like an insect would to... another... smaller insect. Yeah.
Twilight especially. She is just staring the crap out of all of those aliens.
Why wouldn't she though? It's a rare opportunity, with them being aliens and all. If the scientists could somehow reverse-engineer those robots, the ponies could get a major boost in technological advancement! And the leader, oh what secrets did his head hold? An unidentified creature from another world with sentience, and vast intellect? If using the elements didn't work, then that might be a sign to try a different approach! If only they could somehow convince him to spill his knowledge...
"Ugh. This is taking forever." Rainbow whispered. "They're right there! Why do we gotta hide, when we can just take them out right here and now?"
"Calm your hindquarters Dash." Her hat-wearing southern friend said. "We ain't got no idea what we're up against. That thing must be really strong if it can just shrug of the elements like it was nothin'."
"Uh, I really don't like being near them like this." The butter yellow colored pony whispered. "I mean, didn't the princess say that we should avoid the alien at all cost? I feel like we should head back home. I would like that. If you don't mind, of course."
She was ignored.
"Ooh, Rarity, looking good! Is that a new dress?"
"Oh, why thank you for noticing Pinkie. Indeed, this is a new creation, made by yours truly." Rarity replies as she bounces her hair, all fancy like. "Need a disguise that isn't tacky? Hiding in plain sight, but enough to attract the eyes of others? My purple and white camouflaged sundress and hat is sure to do the trick. Covers enough so you won't get dirty, and easily washable if you stain it during the mission." Rarity tosses her hair back to show off the well-styled camo-sundress.
"Neato!"
"Isn't it just, darling? What do you think Twilight?"
"Mm-hm." Twilight responded, never breaking her line of sight in front.
"... Twilight, did you even look at my dress?"
"Uh-huh, yeah Fluttershy, cake is good." She halfheartedly answered, eyes still locked on the alien.
...
"What-"
"SHH, something's happening!"
"Ey, that crane ain't s'pose to be ther'! Move it ya squicks, I ain't paying ya to be lards of shits!" I said, commanding the construction site as my minion-bots built me my evil lair.
"Sir, why are you speaking like that?" asked my guard-bot.
"Dafuq why aren't choo doin' it?"
"What I'm wondering is where in the hell did we get the supplies and tools to build a construction site." the other bot said next to him.
...
"Shut up."
After deeming the cave as my new evil lair, we started building. The noise of construction rang clear, with hammers slamming up and down and cranes and wrecking balls swinging everywhere, all to the beat set by a dozen jackhammers...jacking? No, that sounds dirty, uh...doing that thing. You know. That thing where they buck up and down all "ATATATATATATATATAT". Yes.
Gee-wiz, this is taking a long while. "You there, construction-bot! Come here for a second!" I called my yellow robot over. As he came closer, I asked him on the details of when my lair will be done. "When's my lair going to be done?"
"Well, at the rate we're going, it may take a few hours. A day at most." He answered, tapping his clip-board
"What?! But that will take forever! I can't NOT be bored for that long!"
Hm... what was that one thing that I always use during situations like this?
HMMMMM....
"I got it! We can speed up the time with an OBLIGATORY DANCING MONTAGE!" I looked around to find a cameo appearance by the Daft Punk robots! "Oh hi cameo appearance Daft Punk! HIT IT!"
I got a thumbs up in response, and indeed they did hit it.
(Note: Was drunk during this. Carry on)
As the music starts, I quickly ran off somewhere, "I need to go change into my dancing suit!"
Slowly, but gradually, the groove of the music starts to take in its toll with all of the robots. They strike their hammers against the steel walls in sync to the rhythm, dancing to the beat.
Head-bopping to the music, some of my minion-bots begins to sing.
"Work it"
"Make it"
"Do it"
"Makes us"
They pause a bit to resume their hammering, then continue.
"Harder."
"Better."
"Faster."
"Stronger."
One construction-bot stops entirely, jumps down the platform, and starts shuffling from side to side.
"More than"
"Hour"
"Our"
"Never"
2 more robots jump down to provide backup dancing.
"Ever."
"After."
"Work is,"
"Over."
I quickly return in a fancy suit and fedora, and before you ask, yes, yes I did. "Oh good, I didn't miss much."
"Work it"
"Make it"
"Do it"
"Makes us"
"Harder."
"Better."
"Faster."
"Stronger."
Kicking the ground while snapping their fingers to the tempo, the fun just started.
As the dancers kept singing, the crane carried a spotlight, shining it over them. The background lights up with the awesome synchronized dancing of the robots as they continue to build. Some more minion-bots jump out of their platform to form a circle around the dancers, with one of them starting to walk smugly towards them. The other dancers pause as they watched him dance out his own style, break-dancing.
Not impressed by his moves, the lead dancer did his own free-style dancing trick, spinning around, wooing the circle.
"Work it Harder."
"Make it Better."
"Do it Faster."
"Makes us Stronger."
"More then Ever."
"Hour After."
"Our Work is,"
"Never Over."
"MAKE ROOM, KIDDIES." I said, moon-walking to the center. Spinning around, doing all the Michael Jackson dance moves in the book. Then all the others starting to mimic me, as we soon begin a synchronized dance, even doing the awesome anti-gravity lean. Just imagine that for a moment.
After that, we all do our own thing. The sky darkened at this point, even though the sun was in the middle of the sky, not 2 minutes ago, which helps our many disco lights illuminate the entire area with its disco colors.
And for the grand finale, we all fell down to the floor at the last beat.
...
"Oh hey, the lair was finished while we were dancing."
We all got up, conversing with each-other, congratulating ourselves on the successful mission and how awesome we are at dancing. Soon, we make our way inside our new home to prepare for new adventures. I can't wait to see it.
Meanwhile, in a different part of the Everfree forest, but still in the Everfree forest again.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"... OOH! I WANNA SEE THAT AGAIN!"
Next time, on BUT I AM EVIL!
"So, this wanted criminal is important to the government, right?"
"Right?"
"And, the princess is ALSO important to the government right?"
"...Yes?"
"Then by that logic... A wanted criminal is just as important as a princess, and that's why we should kidnap one for ransom!"
"... Yeah, sure, why not."
MAYBE I CAN ACTUALLY WRITE THIS FASTER MAYBE?! MOTHERFUCKING LAZY ASS SHIT.