Derpy, or Dr. Ditzy Do, as she preferred, was the smartest mare in Equestria. At least in theory. In reality, no one was quite sure. All anyone could say definitively was that she was the most controversial.
Publicly straight. Major lazy eye. Luna supporter. Engaged to a Wonderbolt. Only pegasus in high education. British. It was easier to list of the things about her that weren't controversial.
To the best of Ditzy's knowledge, it all started one day when a mysterious stallion appeared before her parents and gave them a surefire plan for her educational future. He said he was the school superintendent, but Ditzy found out later that wasn't true. For one, he was a brown, fairly ordinary earth pony, and the school superintendent was the most flamboyantly gay bright purple unicorn she had met. More importantly, that day he had a clear alibi at a strip club in Las Pegasus.
The strangest part about this mysterious stallion, however, was that her parents actually listened to him. The next week Ditzy found herself enrolled in a private boarding school in Trottingham armed with nothing but a pair of new glasses and some luggage containing a couple sandwiches.
The coursework was absurdly difficult, and her classmates, who were all unicorns for some reason, were unusually hostile, but Ditzy trudged through anyways. She studied madly, hoping for some chance to redeem herself. After all, she apparently got a really good score on some intelligence test. She could handle this.
What she didn't know was her whole attendance at the school was a sham. Her parents had, in their arrogance, enrolled her at one of the most exclusive unicorn only schools in Equestria. The administration, amazed at their sheer stupidity, decided to take the opportunity to get living evidence that, no, pegasi could not handle the same level of education as unicorns and never will be able to.
Unfortunately for them, Ditzy did. With complete ignorance of what she was up against, she managed to pass all her classes that semester. And the semester after that. And the semester after that. The school even tried making her take magic classes just so she would fail at something, but with the help of an accommodating lab partner and a long neglected method for non-unicorns to describe magic, she passed those too.
For reasons incomprehensible to her, Ditzy slowly became a celebrity. It had been said that, after graduating, a reporter asked her, "So how does it feel to be the only pegasus to graduate from Equestria's most exclusive unicorn only school?"
Her response was something to the effect of, "Equestria's what?"
Now that it was time for her to enter college, all kinds of institutions vied for her attention. None, however, as enthusiastically as Ponyville University, a small earth pony town that had recently been converted into a college. The townspeople had been inspired by Ditzy's efforts and their power to promote equality. Ditzy decided to attend their college for an entirely less wholesome reason.
They were the only one that offered to foot the bill.
It was during college Ditzy began to develop her unusual political views. Maybe, she thought, Luna could run Equestria better than Celestia. Maybe just because 90% of Equestria was gay didn't mean she had to be. Admitting either was social suicide, and possibly literal suicide, but after apparently vanquishing an exclusive unicorn only school without even realizing it, Ditzy did not know the meaning of failure. Even Celestia, who knew that, on general principle, she should probably at least bitch slap Ditzy for the Luna thing, was too entranced by her to do anything about it. As the oldest living creature in Equestria, and possibly the entire universe, Celestia knew people like Ditzy didn't come around often.
After graduating and getting her PhD, Ditzy took a brief hiatus, during which she met her fiancé at the Grand Galloping Gala. She couldn't bear settling down for long, however, and quickly accepted Ponyville University's job offer. She was now a professor, teaching the very students that, just a couple years prior, were her classmates.
Currently she was teaching a class on theoretical physics.
The students were, in open defiance of literary tradition, actually quite enthralled in the material.
"So," Ditzy said, pointing at the board in typical professorial flourish, "Reneigh Barjavel poses he question, what would happen if you were to travel back in time and kill your grandmother? Or even, possibly, yourself?"
Someone raised their hoof. "You would erase yourself from existence?"
"Possibly," Ditzy said, "but think about the implications of that. Logically speaking, from then onward, you would not exist. But does that include the you that traveled to the past? How would you prevent yourself from existing if you never existed in the first place?"
The class intently stared at the board, waiting for an answer.
"Until actual time travel is perfected, of course, it's impossible to know. It's one of the many paradoxes that exists in time travel. This one is, because of the grandmother example, called the Grandmother Paradox."
Ditzy quickly raised one of her wings, a signal for her unicorn assistant to write what she just said on the blackboard. The assistant automatically got up, levitated the chalk, scribbled out "Grandmother Paradox," and sat back down to her work.
The class stared, still not quite used to this procedure. The shockwaves of Ditzy employing one of the few unicorns in Equestria without a cutie mark as her personal assistant still hadn't quite subsided.
Ditzy continued undeterred. She knew the class would, like the rest, quickly get used to Twilight.
"Another important paradox is the Bootstrap Paradox," Ditzy said. "This is when excessive time travel causes a situation in which an idea, object, or person never has a logical chance to be created. For example, let's say you went back in time and accidentally impregnated one of your parents." The implications of that for a bit too much for the class, who squirmed in discomfort, but Ditzy continued undeterred. "Now let's say the baby turns out to be you. In that case, where did 'you' come from? You created yourself. It's an infinite loop. Because of that, this paradox is sometimes called the Reverse Grandmother Paradox." She paused. "Any questions?"
Someone raised their hoof. "Yes. You said this was also called the Bootstrap Paradox," they said. "What's a bootstrap?"
Ditzy considered this, then shrugged. "I don't know, some human thing. It's not terribly important. Any other ques—"
At that moment, Ditzy felt a strong draft and unconsciously turned towards it. In the process, she caught a glimpse of… her.
It was impossible to see her if you were specifically looking for her. It was a bit of an unscientific conclusion, but in the face of all the evidence, it was the only one Ditzy could make. Her seat seemed to occupy a space right past the edge of pony consciousness. Even when no one was there, it was a seat that seemed so average you had no choice but to ignore it. But sometimes, like now, a coincidence would cause someone to look in that direction, and they would, just for a fleeting moment, see her.
She was a bright pink pony with darker pink hair. Every time Ditzy caught a glimpse of her, she was doing the same thing. Staring at her intensely, unmoving. She looked slightly impatient, like she was waiting for something. Every time, Ditzy wondered what she was waiting for, and every time, she forgot a couple seconds afterwards.
"Well," Ditzy said, looking at the clock, "that about wraps up class for today. Next time I'll have your tests graded, and we'll go over that. You can leave now."
The class started shuffling out. On their way out, one of the students bumped into Ditzy, dropping their books.
"S-Sorry…"
"It's okay," Ditzy said, helping to collect some stray papers. She handed them over. "Hope you have a good day, Rainbow Dash."
"Y-Yeah…" Rainbow Dash said, and fluttered off.
Ditzy wondered what was up with her. She seemed more nervous than usual.
On a whim, Ditzy stole a glance at the mysterious pink pony's seat. As usual, it was empty. No one had ever quite seen her come or go.
"You saw her again, didn't you?" Twilight said.
"Who?"
"The pink pony."
Ditzy thought about it. "Yes," she said, "I think I did. Funny, the things you forget."
"Everyone forgets," Twilight said. "Everyone but me." She looked at the seat. "You know what's strange? I always get the feeling I know her."
"You don't say."
Twilight looked down. She seemed to consider what she was about to ask. "Do you ever get the feeling something is wrong with this world?"
"What?"
"Well, that's the only thing that can explain me, isn't it?" Twilight said. "It's supposed to be nearly impossible for a pony to not get a cutie mark before adulthood. Yet there's four of us, and we're all at this college." She walked to the window and looked out of it. "Sometimes… when I look at people, I feel like I know them. They'll look at me, too, and I can see they feel the same way, but we've never met before in our life. And then they just leave, forgetting about it, but I remember." She touched the glass. "I always remember."
There was an awkward silence.
"You know," Ditzy said, "why don't you take the day off early? I think you need it."
"But the tests—"
"I can grade stuff on my own, thank you very much. Come on, maybe you can use the extra time to find your cutie mark!"
Twilight knew that was hopeless, but Ditzy looked so hopeful she didn't want to let her down. "Okay," she said, and left as quickly as possible. This job was the closest she had to meaning in her life, and it was with great reluctance that she took time off.
Ditzy heard her teleport away once she was out of eyesight. Unicorns usually assumed other ponies were uncomfortable with their magic. The reality was, as long as it wasn't being used to enslave anyone, no one could care less, but Ditzy could never quite work up the courage to tell Twilight that.
She was always amazed by the skill of Twilight's magic. When she saw other unicorns perform, their magic was almost invariably more clumsy than Twilight's. It seemed impossible for her to not have a cutie mark. Maybe Twilight had a point. It seemed like if one little thing were changed, she would have everything. And then there was that pink pony…
Ditzy quickly lost her train of thought and decided to start grading the tests. She walked over to her desk and looked through the stack of papers. Twilight had gotten through about half of them. She sighed, picked up the first ungraded one in the pile, and reached for her gradebook.
Panic swept over her when she felt nothing. It was late enough in the semester for the gradebook to have a sizable amount of assignments, but early enough there was no backup. If she lost her gradebook, that would set her behind weeks. She quickly searched the rest of the desk and classroom to no avail. Where was it? Twilight must have taken it out from the office. She always graded with the gradebook right next to her, and she was more a slave to routine than even Ditzy. But… she did seem distraught today. Maybe she forgot.
Ditzy ran out of the classroom to her office. Once inside, she looked for the spot where the gradebook usually was. It was gone. Twilight had taken it. Twilight had a quite… unique organizational style, so if anyone else had taken it the law of gravity would have intervened and the office would be a mess. So the book must've disappeared after that.
Maybe Twilight dropped it on the way to class. She usually teleported, but the way Ditzy understood it, if a unicorn lost concentration while teleporting, anything they were carrying could be left behind at a random point on a straight line between the two locations. If they particularly lost concentration, body parts could be left behind at random points on that straight line, but Twilight appeared intact so that probably didn't happen. Unless Twilight meandered, which Ditzy doubted, that would mean the gradebook was probably in one of the adjacent classrooms. And if she did walk to class today, and dropped the gradebook during that, it would be in the hallway directly outside. Confident in her plan, Ditzy opened the office door.
A brown earth pony was directly outside, looking inordinately pleased with himself. He was wearing some sort of collar and tie. Ditzy got the feeling she knew him, but couldn't remember his name for the life of her, so she stole a glance at his cutie mark. It was an hourglass.
"Can I help you?" she said.
"And volia!" he said. He took his tie off, threw it at her, and sprinted away.
Ditzy blinked. The tie slid off her hair and fell onto the floor.
A volleyball team member watched the scene in some confusion. "Was that some sort of straight mating ritual?"
"Not that I know of," Ditzy said. Usually she would've been offended by such an insensitive comment, but she had to admit, under the circumstances it seemed the most likely explanation.
"Well," the volleyball player said, "looks like someone's getting some tonight." She nudged Ditzy, who automatically recoiled away.
Ditzy's massive intellect told her this conversation was going to quickly get unpleasant if she didn't intervene. "You're on the volleyball team, aren't you? How did the last game go?"
The volleyball player scoffed. "We lost, of course," she said. "But if we had Rainbow Dash on the team, it would be a different story…"
Rainbow Dash had managed the impressive, if confusing, feat of becoming the school's star athlete despite being on none of the teams. Every sport she tried she excelled at, but every time, she refused to join the team, preferring to focus on her academics. While it constantly confused Ditzy how Twilight lacked a cutie mark, it seemed obvious why Rainbow Dash lacked hers—for some reason, she was running away from her true talent as fast as possible.
This obviously drove the sports teams nuts, and they all wished to recruit her. As of yet, none had succeeded.
"Yeah, sure," Ditzy said. "Anyway, could you help me out a bit?"
Ditzy quickly regretted saying that. "With what?" the volleyball player purred.
"Look, it's nothing like that," Ditzy said. "Have you seen a thick binder lying around anywhere? It's my gradebook. I've lost it."
"Can't say I have," the volleyball player said, "but I can help you with something else." She searched through her backpack and handed a small business card to Ditzy, whose expression quickly went from confusion to disgust.
"This," Ditzy said, "is the calling card of a prostitute."
"I know."
Ditzy sighed. "Please, tell me, because I really want to know. Why are you giving this to me, a teacher? I'm not even your teacher. I'm just a teacher."
"She's, like, amazing," the volleyball player said. "She completely changed how I thought about sex."
"I'm straight."
"She could fix that."
"And engaged."
"A little infidelity never hurt anyone."
"I'm not sure how many different ways I can say no," Ditzy said. She flipped the card around a bit. "Besides, what do you even expect me to do with this? There's not a number on here or anything."
"It's an enchanted card. Just hold it, say her name, and you'll be taken to her."
Ditzy made a mental note to avoid saying the word "rarity" for the foreseeable future.
"I've got to get to practice," the volleyball player said. "Have fun." She winked and ran off.
As soon as she was out of earshot Ditzy ripped the card in two and threw it into a trash can. She went into the first classroom she saw, which was luckily empty. She searched every nook and cranny and found nothing. Dejected, she went out and tried the next classroom. Inside, she saw two of her students, a unicorn and a pegasus, studying. She tried to be as quiet as possible.
"Come on," the unicorn said, "do you really think the protagonist in this book is based on some obscure ghost story?"
"It's not obscure! Every pegasus knows it," the pegasus said. "Back in Cloudsdale, there was this one yellow filly who could hardly fly. Everyone always bullied her. And then, one day… she just disappeared. The whole city looked, but no one could find her. To this day no one knows where she is.
"But about that time, rumors started appearing. Rumors that, in the Everfree forest, there was a monster. A yellow pegasus that lures in her victims with a sickly sweet voice hardly louder than a whisper… and then, after torturing them for weeks, breaking them down, making them beg for it… she eats them alive." She smiled. "So? Isn't it obvious?"
The unicorn just stared at her. "This book," he said, "is about a straight drug addict pimp in Las Pegasus!"
"Well—"
Ditzy half remembered someone like that in Cloudsdale, and in thinking about it, became distracted enough she ungracefully crashed into a wall.
"Oh, hey, Dr. Do," the pegasus said. "What are you doing here?"
"I lost my gradebook," Ditzy said after regaining her composure. "Have either of you seen it?"
"Nope," the pegasus said, then looked a bit alarmed. "Something just appeared in your hair. It looks like a piece of paper or something."
Ditzy pawed at her hair until the Rarity card fell out. "Oh Celestiadammit," she said. "This volleyball player gave me that card and now it won't go away." She looked at the unicorn. "Listen, could you… I don't know, disenchant it?"
The two students produced their own Rarity cards.
"I take that as a no."
"There is some ridiculously strong magic on those things," the unicorn said. "It's easier to just put it in your wallet and forget about it."
The pegasus gave Ditzy a comforting smile. "Yeah, and don't worry, it's not that hard to avoid saying 'Rarity.'" She immediately looked panicked and disappeared.
Ditzy and the unicorn looked at the spot where the pegasus used to be in some embarrassment.
"When she comes—er, returns back here," Ditzy said, "tell her I don't mind if she turns in the next assignment late."
"O-Okay," the unicorn stammered.
"And next chance I get I'll take these up with the administration."
"Okay."
Ditzy left. The next classroom was hers, so it probably wasn't in there. She groaned. It was going to be humiliating to ask all of her students for their graded assignments back.
She then remembered she left all the tests in her classroom, and noticed with some panic the door was open. She rushed in.
The tests were intact. Inside was the janitor, scrubbing away at the floor.
"Oh, thanks," Ditzy said. "Those tests were mine." She walked over to her desk and began gathering them up.
"Yours, huh?" the janitor said. "Maybe I should've thrown them away."
Ditzy looked at the janitor, irritated. "What does that mean?"
"Don't you recognize me?" The janitor removed her hat.
"Applejack," Ditzy said, looking embarrassed, "I didn't know you worked here."
"Figures you wouldn't notice. Derpy."
Ditzy cringed. "My name… is Ditzy Do."
"I know what your name is."
Silence.
"Look, Applejack, it's over between us. There was nothing personal, I just…"
"Pretended to be in love with me so you'd be more popular," Applejack seethed. "So you wouldn't be the straight weirdo. Yeah, I know why you did what you did. It doesn't help."
Ditzy looked down.
"You know, I never did get a cutie mark." Ditzy's eyes widened. "Yeah, that's right. I'm one of the four," Applejack said. "But I see that isn't a problem for you. Now you've got your hoofs sunk into that Twilight…"
"That's not what it's like!" Ditzy yelled. "I'm engaged!"
"Better let her know that, then! I've seen the way she looks at you. But you're going to cast her aside, just like me, aren't you?"
Ditzy trembled in anger. Twilight was actually one of the only other straight ponies at the University, but she hadn't gathered the courage to come out yet. They were friends. Nothing more. But she knew Applejack wouldn't believe her.
"Listen," Ditzy said, "have you seen my gradebook? It's a thick binder. I think someone might have dropped it somewhere."
Applejack laughed. "Dropped it!? What about stole it!? Or is that not even a possibility, for someone to steal from the great Dr. Ditzy Do!"
"Who would want to steal my gradebook!?"
"Your students, for starters!" Applejack yelled. "I've heard how tough you are. You've got hundreds of students that would want to bring you down a notch, or even just cheat. I bet they'd do anything."
"My students wouldn't—"
"Oh, do you think you teach so good that you enrich everyone's lives and make them want to learn and all that bullshit? Well, wake up! To them, it's just a grade!"
Ditzy thought back.
During the class, she felt a sudden draft, and that's when she looked at…
"It was taken during class," Ditzy said.
Applejack stopped. "What?"
"The gradebook! It was taken during class!"
"What are you talking about?"
Ditzy grabbed Applejack in joy. "I know who has the gradebook! All thanks to you! Oh, I could just…" She paused awkwardly and blushed. "Hug you. Lightly. In a not gay way. I've got to go!" She flew off.
Applejack looked at the pile of tests Ditzy left behind. "You never change," she said.
She smiled.
– – – –
Ditzy stood in front of Rainbow Dash's dorm. She was mostly sure in her deduction, but not completely. If she was wrong… things could end badly. But if she was right…
She knocked on the door.
Rainbow Dash groggily opened it. "Hello?" she said, then noticed it was Ditzy and froze.
Ditzy remained cordial. "Hello, Rainbow Dash, I was wondering if—" She noticed something familiar lying against the wall. "My gradebook!"
Rainbow Dash panicked and tried to close the door.
Ditzy fought back. "I know *ungh* it's in there! You can't *uf* hide it now! I just want *oof* to talk to you!"
After some hesitation, Rainbow Dash folded and left the door open. Ditzy entered.
Rainbow Dash had a small single dorm that would make a bibliophile like Twilight jealous. It was covered everywhere in books on every subject. Rather than a love for books, however, it betrayed an intense frustration with them—each book was stuffed with angrily scrawled post it notes. A single large poster of the Wonderbolts hung on a wall, neglected.
"How did you figure it out?" Rainbow Dash said.
"Just a hunch," Ditzy said. "Once I narrowed down the times the book could have been taken to during class, I remembered that gust of wind I felt. I remembered you were struggling, and… you probably figured out the rest."
Rainbow Dash looked down.
Ditzy eyed her with pity. "Why did you do it?"
"I don't think," Rainbow Dash said, "you want to know."
"I think I do."
Rainbow Dash sighed. "Don't you want to punish me or something?"
"I know you," Ditzy said. "At least, I know you well enough to know you aren't the type of person to cheat. So something must be wrong." She approached Rainbow Dash. "I might be able to help."
Rainbow Dash's eyes widened. "You can't help."
"Why? Why not?" Ditzy said. "I'm your teacher. I can't just watch you destroy yourself. Please, tell me." She took her glasses off and, in a gesture reserved for a select few, opened her eyes all the way, revealing the true extent of her lazy eye. "I know what it's like to overcome impossible odds."
Rainbow Dash just laughed. "No you don't! You just never realized the odds were there."
Ditzy was taken aback. "That's… um."
Rainbow Dash suddenly looked flustered. "No, don't take that the wrong way!" She smiled. "That's why I like you."
Ditzy, for the second time that day, found herself blurting out, "I'm engaged."
"Not like that!" Rainbow Dash said, then reconsidered. "Okay, maybe a little. But that isn't the point." Rainbow Dash looked wistful. "I used to want to be an athlete. I used to look up to the Wonderbolts. I trained to be the fastest flyer in Equestria. I wanted to push the boundaries of what it meant to be a pegasus by breaking every speed record! By doing the most heart pounding flight routines attempted! But then you came.
"When I heard about what you did, I was inspired. You pushed the boundaries of what it meant to be a pegasus far more than anything my cheesy tricks could have done. You did things everyone thought only unicorns could, everyone! Now that is cool!" Rainbow Dash smiled. "I looked up to you. I wanted to be like you. So I studied. Studied as hard as I could, hoping to capture just a fraction of your brilliance.
"But… look around you." Rainbow Dash gestured to the piles of post it filled books. "Look at all I have to do just to pass my most basic classes. And your classes! They're great. They're brilliant. But I can't make heads or tails of them. And if I failed this one, I could get kicked out." Rainbow Dash looked down. "So… that's why. That's why I stole your gradebook. I thought I could subtly manipulate my grades and return it before you noticed. At least make up for that last test."
"If you wanted to retake the last test, you needed only to ask," Ditzy said. "I can't believe you went behind my back like that."
"I'm sorry."
Ditzy went over and grabbed her gradebook. She flipped through it a bit to confirm it wasn't tampered with, and, once satisfied, closed it. "I'm not going to bring any charges against you," she said.
Rainbow Dash was a bit taken aback. "Really?"
"No. And you can retake that test if you want." Rainbow Dash's face lit up. "But! If you do, you have to promise to consider what I'm about to tell you."
Rainbow Dash braced herself.
Mentally, Ditzy begin to formulate a long speech on the virtues of academic honesty. But the more she thought about it, the more wrong it seemed, and almost completely without warning, an urge overtook her and her lips began moving on their own. She found herself saying two words, two words she knew she would never be able to take back, and two words she could not believe she was saying as an educator.
"Drop out."
Rainbow Dash blinked.
"What are you even doing here!? You have to be the best athlete I've ever seen. You could be so happy, so successful, so popular if you could just see that! You could have your cutie mark! You could be normal! I am 100% sure of it! But no! Instead you had to waste your life pining after me!" Ditzy choked. "I don't want to destroy your life."
Rainbow Dash could do nothing but stand there.
Ditzy regained her composure. "I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. It's been a bit of a long day."
Rainbow Dash approached Ditzy and gave her a gentle hug. "It's okay," she said. "I'll consider it."
The two embraced for a bit. A bit too long. Ditzy wasn't quite sure when the right time to end a hug with a member of the same gender was, but was reasonably sure that if either of their wings had the chance to become completely erect, it had gone on too long. "Rainbow Dash," Ditzy said, looking up in embarrassment, "you can let go now."
Rainbow Dash backed away, blushing. "Oh! Sorry."
"I've got to go," Ditzy said, opening the door. She looked back. "Good luck. Whatever you do."
"You too."
Ditzy began the long journey home. After her day, she was looking forward to spending some time alone with Soarin.
– – – –
Because this, she was a bit surprised to open her front door and immediately see Spitfire's ass. She did have to admit, from a detached point of view, it did appear to have most of the qualities that made an ass "fine." It was firm. It was big. The areas around it were not particularly flabby. To the best of her knowledge, that was what made a mare attractive.
Unfortunately, she couldn't really elaborate much more on it because Soarin's head was currently obstructing most of it.
This was a problem because Soarin was Ditzy's fiancé.
"Um," she said.
They both looked at Ditzy. Soarin's face filled with panic. Spitfire appeared unfazed, and continued doing strange things with her tongue.
Ditzy had many concerns about this situation. One, however, quickly pushed its way to the forefront. "I've eaten off of that couch."
"So have I," Spitfire purred.
"Please leave."
Spitfire looked at Soarin, who was uselessly gaping. She sighed, and slowly walked outside. Despite having every reason not to, Ditzy found herself watching Spitfire as she left. Something about the way she moved was strangely hypnotic, like she could slink right through any mental defenses you had. Ditzy found herself reminded of what her friends often said about her: "Everyone is straight for Spitfire."
Soarin approached Ditzy. "I can explain," he got out.
Ditzy didn't budge. "I sincerely doubt that."
"I was lonely."
Ditzy stared at him, then started laughing hollowly. "So you went and saw Spitfire? She's practically a prostitute!"
Soarin winced. "She is not."
"Oh really?" Ditzy narrowed her eyes. "Then explain that Playcolt cover where she was doing things to that slab of raw meat."
"How—"
"I found your stash." Soarin opened his mouth, presumably for another halfhearted defense, but Ditzy stopped him. "Look, I don't care if you have a stash, but when you start having sex with the centerfold, I think I have a right to be concerned!"
Ditzy waited for Soarin to respond. The two stood there in silence for a couple minutes. Soarin considered his words carefully.
Finally, he said, "You're never here."
"What?"
"That's why I started to see Spitfire," Soarin said. "She was here." He looked at Ditzy. "Do you know how long this affair was going on?"
Ditzy was silent.
"A year. And you didn't even notice. Do you know how easy it is to have an affair when your lover's never home?"
"I thought," Ditzy said, "that we agreed to not put our careers on hold for this relationship."
"There's a difference," Soarin said, "between having a career and being obsessed. I'm part of Equestria's premier flying team. I do events all over the country. I do interviews. I do press releases. I find the time. What's your excuse?"
"You know being a teacher requires some after hour work…"
"Well, if every teacher is like you," Soarin said, "maybe I don't want one."
Ditzy stood there, in shock. They both knew where that comment was leading, but Ditzy didn't want to believe it. "What?"
Soarin looked away. "There. I've said it."
"You… you want to leave me? For that slut!?"
"Yes."
Ditzy was, once again, silent.
She started to say, "Why?" but decided otherwise. He had made it perfectly clear why. "I…" Words failed her. She wanted to know more, yet not know more. She wasn't sure what to ask, or if she should.
Soarin seemed to realize what she was getting at. "Do you remember the last time it was just us? And we didn't talk about work or anything?"
"Of course," Ditzy said. "The night we first met."
"And when else?"
Ditzy confidently opened her mouth, but then realized the problem. She tried, desperately tried to think of a time, but could not.
"That's my point."
Ditzy stopped. That was the moment everything came tumbling down. Rainbow Dash. Applejack. Soarin. Had she really been responsible for destroying so many people? And now, the one thing she thought would last forever was crumbling before her eyes.
"I'll pack my things."
Twilight was sounding more right by the second. Maybe there was something wrong with this world. How could one person have so much power? If she hadn't been sent to that private school, what would've happened? Would the world be different? Sometimes things seemed to center on her in strange ways. Almost as if wasn't the world that was wrong… it was her.
Ditzy ran out the front door and flew high into the sky, running away as fast as possible. She couldn't bear it any longer. She couldn't believe all the pain that surrounded her.
At a time like this, there was only thing she could do.
– – – –
"…and that's how I ended up at this pub," a now significantly more sober Ditzy said. "I mean, what else was I supposed to do? If I did anything else I'd just ruin someone else's's life. All I'm good for, apparently." She paused. "Hey. You okay?"
The Doctor was slack-jawed. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Honestly, he had always liked Derpy. Nearly everything about her was just his type. Except one thing. He had always thought, if only she were a little more intelligent, then he might seriously consider her a candidate for romantic companionship. He had dismissed it as his tendency to find at least one thing wrong with all his companions, but he was beginning to rethink that. Sitting in front of him was Derpy, but more intelligent, and he could find nothing wrong with her. He looked into her eyes and he knew, even in this state, that she was constantly thinking and analyzing everything around her. He looked into her mouth and thought distinctly less wholesome things. For one of the few times in his life, the Doctor found himself not in control of his faculties, and he found himself making his standard yet terrible offer.
"Want to time travel with me?" he blurted out.
Ditzy blinked. "Time travel doesn't exist," she said flatly. "Not yet, anyways. Trust me, I teach this crap."
"If I'm a time traveler," the Doctor said, "time is relative."
"If you're a time traveler," Ditzy said, clearly doubtful, "prove it."
The Doctor smiled and walked out. A few minutes later, he came back without his tie. "I just went a few hours in the past and gave you my tie," he said.
Ditzy chuckled. "That doesn't prove anything," she said. "You could have just given your tie to me earlier today and put a new one on tonight. I bet you've had me scoped out all day long." Ditzy smiled, secretly flattered, but not about to admit it.
That was it. The Doctor knew he had to have her now. Unfortunately, unless she got in the TARDIS, he couldn't think of any other way to convince her he was a time traveler. Unless… there was one thing. It was risky, but the Doctor was running on adrenaline, in addition to a couple other hormones.
"I know what's wrong with this world."
Ditzy froze. Usually she would have dismissed a statement like that, but something about the tone of his voice disturbed her.
"It seems like your life took a strange turn, right? A turn it wasn't supposed to? And because of that the world changed?"
"How—?"
The Doctor looked grim. "I caused it."
Recognition dawned on Ditzy's face. "Wait, you're… you're that man! The one that talked to my parents! You said you were the superintendent!"
"That's right."
"And that caused…?"
"All of this?" the Doctor said. "Yes. That one conversation altered the history of this entire country."
"My entire life," Ditzy said, taking this in. "So all those things that just seem wrong for no reason, those are side effects of—?"
"The timeline altering? Yes," the Doctor said. "Every timeline is vaguely connected. Some people are more in tune to this than others. If a large change, like this, is artificially induced, it causes side effects only they will notice. Not to mention the occasional little illogical part. I mean, look at your… mark thing, cutie mark, whatever it's called. It doesn't seem to represent anything you've done in this timeline."
Ditzy looked at her flank the best she could.
"It's probably some time leakage. Or something. Time travel's a bit unpredictable. Honestly, no one is quite sure how it works. You know how it is. People assume that time is a strict progression of cause and effect, but really," the Doctor couldn't stop himself, "it's more like a big ball of… wibbly-wobbly… timey-wimey… stuff."
Ditzy was amazed. "You really are time traveler. My Luna. You really are." She looked at him. "Can I come along with you? Even if it's just for a little bit? I mean, this is sort of my life dream. Can I?"
"Isn't that what I've been saying?" the Doctor said, smiling.
Ditzy hugged him. "Thank you thank you thank you!" she said. "Let me pack. I'll be ready really quick, I swear."
"The TARDIS—I mean, my time machine has amenities."
"Still. I have some things I want to bring." She walked outside. The Doctor casually followed.
Ditzy looked up at the clear night sky. A few clouds, lit up bright by moonlight, stood in front of intricate patterns of stars. "Oh, thank the stars," she said, almost unconsciously.
Being a space traveler, the Doctor was so used to seeing stars they hardly registered in his mind. He briefly chuckled at her vague superstition, then stopped. He realized something was wrong with that, but couldn't quite put his hoof on it.
Then he realized, and was overcome by a sinking feeling. He had no idea how he could overlook something so obvious, yet so wrong. He slowly looked up at the sky. He saw them. The stars. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them.
He realized they shouldn't be there.
– – – –
Luckily Soarin had already left. Probably to Spitfire's, Ditzy thought. Well, good for him. She was going to have fun tonight too if she got her way.
She packed her last item and zipped up her luggage. She dragged it outside, neglecting to close the door.
She was in such a hurry she didn't notice the letter placed conspicuously on her front table. It had the royal seal, both the real one and the decoy, on it.
It read simply:
Dr. Ditzy Do,
Please come to my quarters immediately.
Your admirer,
Celestia