It was a bright, sunny day in Ponyville. Pegasi patrolled the sky, keeping the clouds clear and the sun beaming down upon the carefree inhabitants therein. They were blessedly apathetic toward any negative news that might be received today. After all, nothing could go wrong, right? It was a bright, sunny day in Ponyville, after all.
Oh, the naïve ponies. Little did they know, a dragon was on its way to come fuck shit up.
The dragon came out of nowhere, lighting up half of Ponyville with a single breath of fire. Terrified residents tried to escape into their burning houses, then, realizing their houses were burning, tried to run to their closest neighbors’ houses before realizing that those houses were also burning.
The residents gathered in the center of Ponyville, where they began milling around in a circle. The dragon was flying directly toward them, but instead of breathing fire and turning the entire town’s population to ash, he decided to do the generic villainous thing and capture the most attractive pony in town: Rarity.
He flew away to go back to his lair with Rarity screaming and telling the dragon to put her down, as is her custom, but none of it worked, surprisingly enough. The ponies just kinda stared after the dragon flying away for a little while, then kept milling around Ponyville in a circle.
That’s when Darkness Awesome flew in. He was already a legend among all of ponykind, having defeated countless foes and with a knack for managing to arrive just in time to be of help.
This time, however, he was just a little bit too late. Of course, he had to do the chivalrous thing, and he cried, his tears splattering on the ground, as he said out loud, “I’m too late.”
Then, his rage fueling his magic, he shot water. Out of his horn. Like, a jet of water. And it put out all of the fire in Ponyville. And the houses regrew. Everything was pristine again.
A little filly walked up to Darkness Awesome and hugged his leg, saying, “Thank you, Darkness Awesome! You’re my hero!”
Darkness Awesome smiled confidently. “I only do what I must to better this world.”
Let’s take a moment here to describe this character. As you could have guessed from the title of the story, this guy is a friggin’ alicorn. And his name is Darkness Awesome. Also, if you checked out the story picture, you’ve got a basic description of what he looks like. You know, dark, wears sunglasses, slicked-back and sorta emo feel about him.
Oh, and his cutie mark is blank. A blank flank, right? I mean, that’s gotta be lame. Well, it’s not. Because his special talent is everything. It’s really tough to have a cutie mark that’s everything. Not because I was too lazy to import a picture of an explosion or a pair of sunglasses or something like that into the pony maker.
Anyway, so back to the story, right. So he boldly says to the town, “I’m going to go save Rarity!” Then he flies off in the direction of the dragon’s lair.
Some townspony dork is like, “Dude, how did you even know her name? You’ve never even been to Ponyville before!”
So then Darkness Awesome looks at this dorky townspony and says, “Dude, I’m the main character.” Satisfied that he answered the pony’s question, he once again takes off from the spot that he already took off from and goes again in the direction of the dragon’s lair.
From where he was off traipsing the Matrix, Neo looked up from reading the story of Darkness Awesome. “They changed something,” he states simply, in regards to the déjà vu he felt when he read that Darkness Awesome took off twice. Then he got back to reading.
So, Darkness Awesome sees as he’s leaving the town of Ponyville behind that the ponies are scared, so he decides to cheer them up by doing a sonic rainboom. He flies back over the town and does it, but he’s got a dark mane and tail, so it’s like a black sonic rainboom that looks like a black hole and shit. It’s really awesome, trust me.
With the ponies now really excited and cheering for him, the sunglassioed alicorn then gets to the dragon’s lair.
In the dragon’s lair, the dragon is opening his mouth, about to eat Rarity. Darkness Awesome really was helpless to stop the dragon at this point, but yells, “Hey, put her down, you slimeball!”
The dragon, obviously very hurt at this unprovoked name-calling, puts down his meal instead of eating it (which would have been the logical thing to do) and flies up into the air. The cave ceiling is, like, really high. Big enough that you can do an epic aerial fight scene in it.
And epic aerial fight scene they had. The dragon shot fire breath at Darkness Awesome, but Darkness Awesome is fucking fireproof. You can’t fight that. Not as a dragon. So then Darkness Awesome flies in and kicks the dragon, making him cry. Yeah, Darkness Awesome is that awesome. He makes dragons cry.
So the dragon tries to fire breath at Darkness Awesome again, but Darkness Awesome is like, “Dude, didn’t you figure this out the first time?” in that way that total badasses point out the obvious in the middle of a fight and then proceed to beat the crap out of them.
So then Darkness Awesome beats the crap out of the dragon, but right as he’s about to deal the killing blow, the dragon eats him. Like, the entire pony. Then he looks at Rarity and says, “You’re next, little pony!”
Then Darkness Awesome blasts out of the dragon’s stomach with a sandwich and just kinda flies there, eating it. The dragon, obviously mad that he had his lunch stolen, says, “Give me that back!” Darkness Awesome then kicks the dragon’s head off. Like, literally decapitates the dragon. With a hoof kick. Not even both hooves.
Rarity at this point is swooning over Darkness Awesome. “Darkness Awesome,” she says, “come back to the Carousel Boutique and we will make foals!”
And Darkness Awesome, being as awesome as he is, can’t turn down a damsel in distress. “I shall take you there immediately, milady.”
So Rarity jumps on Darkness Awesome’s back and they fly back down to Ponyville, beelining for the Carousel Boutique. The ponies see him returning with the previous prisoner of a dragon, cheering loudly, then they see him disappear into Carousel Boutique with his new victory.
The ponies just kinda mill around for a little while, their lives pretty meaningless without a charismatic and generically awesome character like Darkness Awesome to give them some direction for their cheering. They hear some heavy panting, a lot of moaning, and eventually ear-piercing wails that sound like a pony is being murdered inside. Still, they wait.
Eventually, Darkness Awesome emerges, a confident smile on his face. Rarity comes out behind him, telling all the ponies, “I’m pregnant with an alicorn.” Yeah, he’s that potent.
Grateful for being saved, Rainbow Dash then flies up. “Dude, you are so awesome! You wanna come up to my place and... uh... hang out for a little while?” She then winks seductively at Darkness Awesome, who grunts in affirmation.
So, long story short, he bangs five of the six Mane 6. Who doesn’t he bang? Pinkie Pie. Seriously, no way would he bang her.
So, Darkness Awesome finally leaves Ponyville to go on his next adventure. All the young mares he passed up are lusting after him, their wishful sighs reaching his ears and eliciting promises that he will be back soon, but there are other places that need saving and he has to be noble for their sakes. For their honor. For their love.
All the mares, that is, except Pinkie Pie. Seriously, screw her. She’s, like, anathema to Darkness Awesome.
So, a little bit of backstory on this Darkness Awesome guy. He’s the son of Princess Celestia. That’s right. Princess. Fucking. Celestia.
Well, how did he get conceived? So, there was this volcano, right. The same kind of volcano that’s under Yellowstone Park. They’re called supervolcanoes. Go check them out. So yeah, a volcano and it’s about to erupt. And Luna tells Celestia that she’ll stop it. Then Celestia tells Luna she’ll stop it. Luna then says okay.
So, Celestia stops the volcano by sitting on it. And it erupts, and it goes all up inside of her. Now, alicorn bodies are indestructible, so she took an entire load from a volcano. But volcanoes are just too different from ponies to bridge the gap.
Enter King Sombra. He’s 1/4 volcano, so he’s like, “Yo, Celestia, I’m givin’ you a kid.”
Celestia, obviously smitten with King Sombra, then says, “Okay.”
So King Sombra then gives her the 1/4 volcano genes that she needs in order to get pregnant from the volcano, but it’s also King Sombra’s kid. Luna secretly thinks to herself how much of a slut Celestia is, but she’ll never say it to her sister’s face.
Anyway, so a week or so later, Celestia pops out this kid. And he tells her, “My name is Darkness Awesome.” Literally, day one of this pony being alive and he’s naming himself. That’s how badass he is.
So, Celestia is like, “I don’t want a kid.”
Then Darkness Awesome is like, “Fuck you, mom.” Then he runs away from home.
First day being alive, and he runs away from home. Like, dude, can you see how badass this guy is?
So anyway, he spent enough time with Luna to get this really big crush on her. Thankfully, he’s not related to Celestia by blood, so Luna’s good to go. Luna never wanted to admit that she thought he was really cute, but when he ran away from home, she went after him even though Celestia told her no. Yes, one day old, and this pony had Luna chasing after him. That’s how totally badass he is.
All right, so enough about this alicorn. Back to the story.
So there’s Darkness Awesome flying through Equestria, right. Then he sees a griffin invasion going on at Canterlot. He’s like, “I can’t let Canterlot fall,” so he flies over to save them.
Griffins are vicious creatures, and so they attack Darkness Awesome and he gets beaten.
But Darkness Awesome says, “I... can’t... lose!” and he goes Super Alicorn. Like, his hair gets all yellow and pointy and he gets this cool aura around him. The griffins think they got him, because he was almost dead, but then he uses his horn and shoots them all with magic and they all die. Except the lady griffins. They’re spoils of war.
After Darkness Awesome saves Canterlot, Princess Luna finds him and says, “We have been searching for thou for years! Please take us into thy bedroom!”
So Darkness Awesome takes Luna into his bedroom at Canterlot Castle that Celestia for some reason has never repurposed and they totally do it. Celestia totally walks in on them, too, and Luna is all blushing and stuff, but Darkness Awesome doesn’t give a fuck. He just yells, “This is who you made me into, mother!” even though Celestia isn’t actually his mother or anything. It would be totally gross if she was.
So after Darkness Awesome satisfies Luna, he flies off and finds this bread merchant who asks him if he wants to buy some slaves. Being the upstanding and law-abiding citizen that Darkness Awesome is, he was infuriated and attacked the bread merchant. The merchant then said he would never sell slaves again and told Darkness Awesome about a slaver hideout in Fillydelphia. Darkness Awesome immediately drops everything and flies to Manehattan to free the slaves that are in a different city, but that he somehow knew the location of and that I totally meant to have in Fillydelphia but that I’m unwilling to rewrite because I wrote it that way on accident due to a legitimate oversight but that I’m unwilling to admit I made the mistake of writing so I’m running with it and saying I wrote it that way on purpose. Believe me, I’m the writer.
Darkness Awesome makes it to Manehattan, totally owns the slavers, and releases a bunch of slaves. There’s a few dudes who just say thanks and leave, but then there’s, like, three hot virgin slave mares who are totally grateful to him. So, he totally does the chivalrous thing and satisfies all of them. That’s what chivalry dictates he do, right?
And, since we’re pretending he somehow was told the locations of the Manehattan and Fillydelphia slaver hideouts, after he leaves Manehattan, he goes to Fillydelphia and beats the slavers there. After he frees these slaves, he finds a slaver still alive who’s begging for his life. Darkness Awesome threatens to kill him if he doesn’t tell where the main base is. The slaver spits in Darkness Awesome’s face, then Darkness Awesome wipes it away all slow and cool-like, then yells in his face, “I WON’T ASK YOU AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!”
The slaver gets scared when he yells this and tells him the location of the last slaver stronghold, this one in Ponyville. After he tells Darkness Awesome this, Darkness Awesome slits his throat and leaves him there bleeding. He puts his sunglasses on, even though I never specified that he’d taken them off, and says, “I hate slavers.” What a badass, right?
So, Darkness Awesome is flying to this last location, back at Ponyville. He thinks of all the friends he’s lost on this adventure, and how nothing will ever bring them back. He vows that he will never let another innocent be hurt again, and that he will destroy all evil before it can do anything ever. He is so noble.
So he gets to Ponyville, and all of the ponies are enslaved, mining rocks and stuff. Darkness Awesome flies to the town hall, where the king slaver is obviously going to set up shop, and breaks down the door. He’s there pinning Fluttershy to the ground, and Darkness Awesome yells, “Stop!” and the king slaver stops.
Darkness Awesome asks, “What is your name?”
The king slaver replies, “Slavor Slav. What’s yours?”
Darkness Awesome replies, “Scootareader.” Because what kind of storywriter would I be without a good old-fashioned self-insert?
Then Slavor Slav takes a whip and catches it around Darkness Awesome’s hoof and pulls him down to the ground. Darkness Awesome lands with a thud, then is attacked by the king slaver, who jumps on top of him and starts beating on him. I’d say he does magic or something, but the guy is an earth pony. Beating up an alicorn. Go figure.
So, after being beaten up really badly, Darkness Awesome goes Super Alicorn. Slavor Slav laughs and attacks, but Darkness Awesome uses a single hoof to block all of his attacks and sends him flying back into a wall.
Then, because Darkness Awesome is so noble, he stands there and chills while Slavor Slav transforms, becoming Uninspired Final Villain. This guy just, like... I dunno, beats him somehow? Because he’s the final villain and all. Then Darkness Awesome says, “I will kill you before I die!” Then he blows up and kills Uninspired Final Villain with him. So noble.
So, because he’s the noble main character and all, he wakes up in the hospital a week later with all these ponies around him. He’s got Celestia and Luna there, and all the Mane 6 except Pinkie Pie, because seriously, that pony just kinda sucks.
Celestia says, “My son, I am so glad you’re all right,” and smiles warmly.
Darkness Awesome replies, “Fuck you, mom.”
Then Luna says, “We missed you!”
Darkness Awesome replies, “I missed you too. <3”
Then the Mane 6 minus Pinkie Pie all say, “Thanks for saving us again! Is there any way we can repay you?”
And Darkness Awesome says, “I can think of a few ways.”
Then he adopts the alicorn foal he had with Rarity and raises the newborn colt to be Shadow Incredible.
THE END