"Well," Spike said dryly as he looked over the ship's railing, "that's Ponpan, huh?"
Before him lay the great city of Trotyo, the most famous metropolis in all of Ponpan. Great skyscrapers lived up to their name, bursting through the clouds and scratching Luna's sky above. They weren't the only buildings, however; there were also many different shops and booths, advertising all different sorts of wares. Lights of many different colors were strung along these buildings, making it look as if a Hearth's Warming tree had exploded in the middle of downtown. Billboards were planted on nearly every rooftop, featuring animated little cartoon figures happily waving and blowing kisses and winking at those that wandered below them. All sorts of music, from pop rock to alternative to even electric classic, competed with the bells and whistles that were going off in the many different gaming parlors that filled the city.
"Apparently the word 'subtle' doesn't exist in this country," Tydal grumped, looking about at all the blinking lights and bright colors in annoyance. “It looks like an orgy of glowing jellyfish.”
“And how would you know about jellyfish orgies, father?” Luna asked with a playful smirk.
"It’s like Rainbow Dash's ultimate fantasy," Spike commented.
"This is so cool!" Scootaloo squealed, bouncing up and down and delight. "We have to do some shopping!" She paused and, demurely, stated, “After we do our job here, of course.”
“Look at all the pretty lights…” Twiley murmured, clearly in a daze. Tydal rolled his eyes and plucked the little one up, settling her between his horns. Twiley wrapped her forelegs around them like she was driving him, a dopey grin on her face. “Cutie Mark Light Watcher… yay…” she said dreamily.
“And we lost her,” Spike muttered.
Luna tilted her head in consideration. "This used to all be cherry orchards."
Tydal nodded. "Yes... it is a pity that the natural world has been-"
The moon goddess cut him off. "I wasn't complaining." She grinned as she leapt off the boat, Baby Twilight (Still firmly settled in the princess' saddle bag/baby carrier) giggled and clapped her hooves at the move. "I hate cherries."
"Look!" a unicorn mare squealed from across the street, pointing at Princess Luna. "Nightmare Moon! Nightmare Moon!"
Luna's smile instantly dropped when she saw the mob of ponies rushing towards her. "Please, I am not-"
"Please do us honor of providing autograph, most dangerous Nightmare Moon." The unicorn's friends quickly joined her in bouncing up and down, presenting the princess with notebooks.
"Uh... ok..." Luna said in confusion, levitating a pen over and quickly signing the books. The unicorns began to giggle in delight, asking the princess a million questions about her life, her likes and dislikes, her favorite color, so on and so forth.
"So they celebrate evil here," Tydal said with a raised eyebrow. "I am not sure how I feel about that."
"You should feel nervous about that!" Spike exclaimed.
"You misunderstand us, most honorable goat-fish," one of the giggling unicorns said. "We do not honor Nightmare Moon because she was evil. We are delighted due to her intricate back-story and the passionate, fiery competition she has with oneesan Celestia-sama. It makes for much entertainment!"
"...ok, I am pretty sure you made up at least five of those words," Scootaloo complained.
Luna grinned in delight. "I rather like it here. It is nice to be appreciated."
"May I glomp you?" one of the unicorns asked her.
Luna considered this. "No, better not... I don't want to hurt the baby."
"Ba?" Baby Twilight said in confusion (roughly translated she had said, "Wha ya talkin' about, mama?"), not understand how her mother could think she could be hurt by anything, let alone a bunch of ponies.
"Awwwwww!" the unicorns said sadly, tears gathering in their eyes.
"You can glomp them though," Luna said, gesturing towards Tydal, Scootaloo and Spike.
"Wait, what now?" Spike managed to get out before he was tackled by an overly affectionate unicorn. Scootaloo let out a scream as she was hit, while Tydal bellowed as he was engulfed by five of the mares. Twiley, for her part, somehow managed to stay on Tydal's head even as he fought off the attack. "OW!" Spike screamed. "My leg isn't supposed to bend that way!"
"Hey, why are my wings doing that?" Scootaloo said, struggling to get the unicorn to let go.
"Urge to kill... rising!" Tydal snarled as he fought to free himself from the nuzzling mares.
"Denied," a voiced called out moments before the unicorn mares were gently pulled off the struggling threesome by a burst of magic. Tydal rose to his hooves, looking about with narrowed eyes, seeking out any further attacks. Meanwhile, Scootaloo and Spike were groaning and checking themselves for bruises. "I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?"
"Shining Armor," Tydal grunted, giving the retreating unicorns one final glare (though all that did was cause the happy mares to swoon in delight, claiming he looked so 'bishie' when he did that). "What the bloody hell are you wearing?"
The stallion sighed, looking over his costume. "Cadence's idea. You know how she loves to play dress-up," he muttered. Shining was wearing a set of red robes, which wouldn't have been that odd in Ponpan. It was the accessories though that really raised some eyebrows: a katana on his side, a string of prayer beads around his neck, and plastic doggy ears tugged in the top of his mane.
"I figured we should look the part!" Cadence said happily, trotting over to them. If Shining looked strange than Cadence looked utterly outlandish. She mane was sticking up and had a ton of gel in it to allow her to make several spikes. She wore a black shirt and blue pants, but her matching blue coat was tied around her neck to look like a cape. Just as Shining had on some prayer beads so too did Cadence wear some jewelry: an upside-down pyramid on a gold chain. "I challenge you to a children's card game!" the princess declared. “Blue-Eyes White Husband, attack the Angry Capricorn!”
“Yes, please attack me,” Tydal said dryly.
"Why are you even here?" Luna asked.
Shining rolled his eyes. "Cadence began doing research on this place after you left and came to the conclusion that this was literally Heaven on Earth."
The love goddess began to tick off her argument points. "Ponies walk around wearing costumes, tackle-hugs are a standard greeting, and sexuality isn't just around but considered the norm!"
"She has us there," Spike admitted.
Cadence hugged herself in glee. "I'm finally home!"
"Well, since you are here you might as well help us," Scootaloo said, looking around the dock they were still standing on. "We haven't even gotten to Main Street yet and it is crowded and crazy. The Twilight I am sensing could be anywhere, so we need to be diligent and-"
"There she is!" Cadence exclaimed.
"Sweetie, that's a street lamp," Shining said.
"Oh... ok, that's her!" Cadence said, pointing to a purple unicorn mare who was dressed in a schoolfilly's uniform. "Sorry, I always get Twilights and street lamps mixed up. You wouldn't believe how many times I came back from the park with a little street lamp while Twilight had to light up walkways for ponies!"
"Most honorable haha!" the Twilight called out, hurrying over to the group. Scootaloo was surprised; other than having a thick Ponpan accent and the schoolfilly outfit this Twilight looked and sounded just like their Twilight. The purple mare quickly bowed, utter politeness in her actions. "I am most happy to find you here! I am quite confused and I hope you can make much sense of what is happening."
“Haha?” Shining asked.
“Ponpan for ‘mother’,” Cadence whispered.
"Ba!" Baby Twilight exclaimed, squirming in an attempt to spin around in her carrier. Finally managing to do so, she hugged Luna tight. “Ba!” She waved her forelegs at Luna and continued to angrily babble at the newest Twilight, letting the upstart know that Luna was HER stand-in mama. She glanced over at Twiley, to make sure she wasn't planning to take Luna either, but finding that the filly was still zoned out happily nodded to herself.
"Oh, it is a akachan me!" the new Twilight said with glee, running up to Baby Twilight. "She is so kawaii!"
Scootaloo rubbed her forehead. "I hate foreign slang," she complained.
"Twilight, we need to explain some things to you," Shining said, only for the new Twilight to gasp in shock.
"Noble Armor-sama?!?" She began to trot around the bemused stallion. "You look so different! Why are you dressed so?"
"Cadence's idea. Listen, we need to explain some things to you."
And so Shining Armor, with some help from Scootaloo, laid out for this new Twilight everything they knew. They had to take it slow due to this Twilight's limited grasp on whatever language she was attempting to speak (it sounded like Equestria with Ponpan mixed into it with just a dash of Trottingham and ancient Canterlotian for flavor); Spike was also disappointed to find that his pamphlet did little to help, what with it being printed in the wrong language.
Finally the new Twilight seemed to understand what was going on.
"How strange," she said, tapping her chin. "For a moment I had considered that I had fallen down a magical well and ended up in a strange new world, but your explanation makes much sense."
"Magic well?" Scootaloo asked.
Tydal shrugged. "Their more common than you think. Makes it a bugger to dispose of a body when there is a chance they could be reanimated by a magic well." The war god pursed his lips. "On the other hoof, it is quite fun to kill somepony twice."
"... too much information, Lord Tydal," Shining said.
"So, new Twilight," Cadence said happily, "tell us about yourself! What is your back-story, who is your love interest, and what sort of over-powered demon monster are you and your band of merry misfits trying to destroy?"
"Band of merry misfits?" Scootaloo asked.
The love princess nodded. "There is always a band of merry misfits."
The new Twilight bowed, her eyes shutting as she began her tale. Strangely enough, the moment she began to speak she was surrounded by darkness with a lone spotlight shining down on her. "I am known as Sparkle-san. I was born in the great Palace of the Rising Sun where I was under the protection of most honorable Day Empress Celestia-sama. Though I saw myself only as a mere student under her, the other hoof maidens and dignitaries in the palace looked down upon me with scorn. One day, their torment so hurt that I fled in tears to the great mother tree, under which I wept many bitter tears."
"Oh, you know this is leading up to something good!" Cadence said in delight.
"Pfff!" Luna rolled her eyes. "Give me Batstallion any day." She pulled out a photo of Bruce Mane from her saddlebag and nuzzled in. "Oh photo... if we lived in Winniepeg I'd make you my bride..."
Sparkle-san's face suddenly contorted, with her eyes going pure white, little fangs appearing in her mouth and, for some odd reason, her body becoming cartoonish. She waved her forelegs about as she hollered, "I AM TRYING TO TELL MY STORY, YOU BAKA!"
"What's a baka?" Scootaloo asked.
"I think it is a kind of trout," Spike said.
"That's racist!" Tydal complained.
Sparkle-san took a breath as she returned to normal. "Forgive me, haha. When I returned to the palace after my long cry I found it in ruin! Her most wicked Nightmare Moon had attacked and banished all within the palace to the moon! The only survivor was Empress Celestia-sama's retainer, Spike-san."
"Cool, I'm a retainer!" Spike puffed out his chest. "What's a retainer?"
"A fancy word for butt monkey," Tydal answered, earning a giggle from Scootaloo and a scowl from Spike.
"Spike-san informed me that it was my noble duty to protect Ponpan from the most dangerous threat of Nightmare Moon. I began a journey to find the Elements of Harmony, which could free the princess and undo wicked Nightmare Moon's curse. Spike-san and I were joined by most strong hoofed Jack-chan, Dash of the Rainbow Tribe, Rarity the Queen of Thieves and the most dreadful Oni Twins Pie and Shy. We battled the minions of Nightmare Moon, including the Great and Powerful Priestess Lulamoon, Will of the Iron Fists, and Gilda the Mighty."
"All of whom I assume will become allies when you face a bigger threat!" Cadence said with glee.
Sparkle-san sighed. "As we found the last Element I overheard most honorable Spike-san reveal to my allies a dark truth: My mother Nightmare Moon was."
"Now she sounds like Yoda," Shining stated.
"What's a Yoda?" Spike asked.
"A type of salmon," Scootaloo supplied.
"That's even more racist!" the goat-fish god complained.
"Spike-san feared the prophecy that I would side with my haha and together we would rule Ponpan. But my heart was pure and I redeemed Nightmare Moon with my magic and saved the lands!" Sparkle-san smiled, only to frown moments later. "It was only then that we learned that Nightmare Moon was a mere servant of the great trickster Discord, who, in order to kill us all-"
"Please say martial arts tournament," Cadence whispered, eyes closed and hooves crossed. "Please say martial arts tournament..."
"-created the Discord Games where the great martial artists had to compete."
"YES!" Cadence cheered.
"Well, this is all well and good and would probably take up many chapters of a book you’d read backwards, but we need to keep searching the city," Scootaloo said. "I can sense at least three more Twilights wandering about."
"Little Loo-kun, I will do all i can to help you find other Sparkle-sans." The mare bowed low to the filly. "But first, may I glomp you?"
"You can glomp the goat-fish," Scootaloo said.
"You little-AAAACK!" Tydal fell to the ground, forelegs waving as he tried to peel Sparkle-san off of him.
"When he gets free he'll kill us all," Shining said nervously. "I want you to know that."
~MC~MC~MC~
(Meanwhile, on the other side of the city...)
"So, you will be able to take out the targets?" Nightfall asked, her voice coming out smooth and silky like liquid chocolate.
"Course!" the bombastic new Twilight exclaimed.
“Good. I had hoped to use the vampire but… well…” Nightfall sighed, “never mind, it was a bad idea to even contact her.
“Meh, forget that sparkling vamp!” Her horn glowed and she yanked out two katanas. "Now, do you want them in bite size chunks..." she sheathed the swords and grabbed a machine gun, "or in a fine paste?"
"Dead is dead, as far as I care."
"Lady, you came to the right place then!" the assassin said with a laugh. "Because when you want a murder done right, come to the best... and when they aren't available you come to me!"
'So we're really doing a Deadpool Twilight?' a voice in her head said. ‘We’ve really sunk that low?’
"Looks like it!" Twipool said with glee. "Hey, do I still think in those little yellow boxes."
"Yup."
"Sweet..."