I can't believe you forgot such an important meeting! Why do you keep forgetting these things!?
I'm sorry Purple Smart! I can't help it!
Oh, don't you start with the Purple Smart stuff. I should have never told you about that dream with the draconequus.
And deny me the chance to make fun of your weird, erotic connections to words? Preposterous!
Ugh, just get on with it.
After waking up from my five story drop into Canterlot, I passed a hospital door on the way to the bathroom. I suddenly and inexplicably, doubled over and threw up, knocking me out of my mixed human-changeling form.
Great. Now why do I suddenly feel like shit? A nurse went off to get a janitor, which I thanked her for.
Taking a moment to control my insides, I looked at the door I was just passing. Every nerve in my changeling hide was telling me not to go in that room.
So I walked straight in without knocking. On the bed was some kind of freaky-ass snake dude and man was he giving off bad vibes. And bad smells. I almost threw up again, right then and there. He looked incredibly sick though.
“Ehhhh, what’s up doc?” Bugs Bunny, you never disappoint.
“Hruhh? Who’s there?” The thing asked. His stomach is gurgling. Eugh.
“Well, my name is Knightmare and you look like you got run over by a truck full of rotting pigs.”
“I wish I felt half that good, Knightmare. Marty Stu, and I’d shake your hoof, but I think I’d throw up on it.”
“I’d probably throw up too. How did you get saddled with a name like that? Do I need to worry about mares throwing themselves at you? Are the nurses going to come in and start ‘taking care’ of you? Cause either I want in or I need to jet.”
Kinghtmare!
What? That's what I said!
Why must you be such an insufferable perv?
Because you wouldn't have me any other way.
“It’s a title I took for myself a long time ago. As for them taking care of me, I’d prefer they wouldn’t, as it would most likely be lethal. Also judging by your statement, you are either human or have been in human society.” the snake-man kept his eyes closed and massaged his temples.
“Well shit. Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time I heard of death by snoo-snoo. So it’s not just changelings that get knocked silly from being near you? I take it you are human too? A piece, I’d wager. Well, we all are, if we’re here.” Bitch better be a brony. Bitches love bronies.
“Wait, you’re a changeling? You might want to leave. My mental defenses aren’t at their best, and I’ve been known to knock workers and soldiers on their asses by just being around them. Too much mental angst for them to handle and whatnot.” He finally opened his eyes, and took in
“ It’s true, I feel pretty terrible right now. But hey, I ain’t no ordinary changeling. From what I understand, I’m a ‘breeder’ changeling. Which means exactly what it sounds like. But you must be having a terrible day if you’re leaking that much sadness or angst or whatever.”
“I feel like crap, so yeah, I’d say I’m not having a good day. Also, I’m not leaking out that much more than normal. But to answer your question, I was a human, and I am a piece in this ill-thought venture by so-called gods.” Marty shut his eyes again, scrunching his face.
“Hey man, I don’t know about your god, but Celestia is great! I’d say she’s worthy of being called a god.” Jeez, this guy. Haters gonna hate!
“If I can kill it, I hesitate to call it a god. Celestia is a gracious mare and an excellent host, but in a fight I only give her a sixty percent chance of beating me when both of us are feeling good. Right now, a foal could probably take me.”
‘Those are fightin’, words buddy. But I don’t think I’d be able to take you right now anyway. Your angsty-ness is pretty sickening, literally.”
“I do not wish to offend, and Celestia knows that while I respect her position, her power, and her responsibilities, I do not respect her divinity. Luna does too, for that matter. I respect them a great deal more than most so-called gods, as they actually fulfill their responsibilities to those who worship them.”
“ I suppose.…. Who IS your god, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“The god who brought me in is the twin deity known as Oponn, who is a god of luck, both fortune and misfortune. They’re a couple of assholes.”
“If you don’t like them, why are you here?”
“Well, lets see. I was leading a resistance cell on a version of Terra, and then a sniper bullet went through the back of my head and out my throat. The two of them co-opted my pattern of where I pop up next. So I didn’t exactly get a choice in being their piece, but they know not to piss me off.”
“Wait, wait, wait, you’ve DIED before? What do you mean patterns? Am I dealing with undead snakes here?” Indiana Jones’s worst fear. Celestia help us all!
Marty laughed at this. “My body is quite alive. I get thrown into a world after each death, a new body waiting for me, all the equivalent of age twenty-two. I then stumble around that world until I die, either of natural causes or of ‘natural' causes.’”
“Damn. Sounds like it could be a lotta fun or a lotta suck.”
“A little from column A, and a lot from column B. I’ve participated in so many wars it’s not even close to funny. Some of them even in Equestria.” Marty winces at some memories.
“So there are other ones! Okie-day. One last question. Do you like bananas?” I wiggled my eyebrows. Might as well check while I’m here.
Marty is about to answer, and then he develops a thousand yard stare. “Not the bananas, not the bananas! Dear god, not the bananas, I don’t want to go to the moon, there’s no bananas…” He trails off, still muttering about bananas.
“.........Well, I’ll let you get back to your being sick as I need to piss and I don’t think I can hold up from spewing chunks for much longer. Good luck with the...um...bananas. That must have been a terrible Equestria.” So maybe a brony. Probably doesn't count if he's already been to other Equestria's though.
Marty nods his head and curls up, before exploding into motion, racing to the en-suite bathroom to empty his stomach into the toilet.
“Okaaaaaay, backing away slowly now…” I tip-toed out of the room and then quickly ran to the bathroom I was originally headed for, ignoring the nurse outside.
Once there, I emptied my lunch again, feeling immensely better as I shifted back to my hybrid form. Feeling ready for the day, I proceeded to Celestia's hospital room before going off to set up the second gala in as many days.
I felt bad for the snake-guy. He was going to miss out on one hell of a party.