Well, the last few days have been interesting. First of all, Christmas is almost here. So that means that both mares and stallions are staying indoors to avoid getting crushed by the stampedes of fillies and colts that pass through town screaming “Santa” and abducting people that look like the Santa pony. While everyone has been indoors, I’ve been testing and working on a serum that will, hopefully, allow me to become human.
Earlier yesterday, I was working on the serum when I heard noise in the chimney of my house. I freaked out a bit because, I was worried that a group young ponies were coming down it to look for Santa. But it turned out to just be Derpy. She was wearing a Santa hat (apparently, those have come into fashion) and had a hammer in her mouth. So what was she doing in my chimney? She said she was repairing it because she thought it looked like it was falling apart. I was about to go back to working on my serum, when she came over to investigate. She asked what I was working on, and I replied it was a serum that would allow me to become human. In response, she asked if there was anything she could do to help. I was about to say no, when she said she thought she saw a human in the Everfree forest. That easily caught my attention, I started to probe her with tons of questions. Eventually, she had to go, and I watched her go right back up my chimney (Unfortunately, I also heard a couple of fillies start yelling “Santa”, followed by the sound of small Pegasi wings flapping…Then I heard Derpy scream. May she rest in peace).
In a few minutes, I had packed my bags. Going into the Everfree forest is dangerous, but it would be worth it to see a real, live, human. I knew what my plan was:
1. Meet the human
2. Talk with it and act friendly
3. Knock it out and put it in a bag
4. Take it home and take some DNA samples
5. Dissect it (possibly my favorite step)
After several miles, I was at the edge of the Everfree forest. Adrenaline pumped through my body, I was finally out on an adventure! Taking time to breath in the fresh, cold, December air. I took my first step into the Everfree forest. Some may call it suicide to come into here looking for “imaginary creatures”, but I knew that humans weren’t imaginary. I knew it.
After walking several miles, I heard a grunt to my left. I looked in the direction of where the noise was coming from, and saw a pony I easily recognized as Daring Do. She was holding open the mouth of an alligator that was desperately trying to bite a chunk out of her hide. She asked for some help as the jaws of the gator came closer to her weak body. I was about to run over to the gator and kick it in the jaw, but then I remembered that I can’t have anything distracting me. So I walked on without looking back. A few minutes later, I heard a snapping noise, followed by squeals of pain. I guess that alligator won that fight with Daring Do. Oh well, no one ever read here books anyway…right?
After a while, I stopped to sit down and recover from walking so far. Who knew that going on adventures could be so hard? When I finally got up, I heard something coming in my direction. I prepared to run if it was a monster.
And then it walked out in front of me. A human.
It was the strangest looking human I had ever seen. I asked it what its name was. It said in a strange accent, that it was Michal Jackson. After recovering from the shock of seeing its face, I started the work on step two: communicating to it and acting friendly. I soon learned that the last thing that it remembers is seeing a bright light. Hmm, bright lights are experienced when someone is dying. Maybe Equestria is where humans go when they die (if that is true, then maybe the conspiracy theories about human slave mining industries are true). As he kept talking to me, I went to reach for my tranquilizers. But suddenly, a giant monster that looks a lot like Santa ran up and swallowed the human. It then, started to ramble on about “staying plump and jolly for the children”. It then grew wings and flew away.
I know that this story is hard to believe, but it did happen! I saw it with my two eyes! I tried to explain this to Bon bon, but she simply asked if I was on drugs or just being crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does everyone want to call me crazy? If they think I’m crazy, than what is Pinkie Pie?! Ugh, I can’t stand all these rude ponies. But soon, I should be able to leave these ponies and become human. That will be a dream come true! Oh well, I’m running out of paper, and so I should probably get the serum perfected. Great, I’m starting to rant on again. Oh well.
See ya,
Lyra
And so, the moral of this Christmas story is: Watch what you put in your eggnog!