Chapter Four
Canterlot’s Low Radda
“Well, Twilight, I’m most certainly flattered you’d come to me first, but don’t you think there could be others out there more suited for... what was his name again?” Rarity asked. “Tinsel?”
“Schnitzel,” Twilight said.
“Schnitzel... charming. Don’t you think others would be more suited for this?” the white unicorn asked. “I mean, his skin tone -if you can call that skin- doesn’t match any of the clothes I already have prepared.”
“He’s going to need something from scratch, Rarity, and he’ll need clothes like that if he’s going to Canterlot,” Twilight replied.
“Canterlot? Why on earth would he be going there?” Rarity asked, leaning forward as if trying to absorb the information from Twilight’s brain through eye contact.
“The princesses requested he be there, and since he’ll need clothes, I-,”
“Say no more, Twilight,” the white unicorn said to the purple, placing a dainty hoof over her mouth to stop the librarian mid-sentence. “If it was the princesses wish, then I shall accept your plea and give Mr. Tinsel-,”
“Schnitzel,” Twilight corrected again.
“-Schnitzel a proper set of clothes. Though, if you wouldn’t mind, do you think you could help me fetch some supplies from those cupboards over there?” Rarity asked, flicking her mane in the proper direction as she walked over to the rock creature. “Just scissors, measuring tape and the like; no need to go overboard, even if it is for a guest of the princesses.”
“Rarity, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you so calm when dealing with matters of royalty,” Twilight said as she walked over to retrieve the supplies.
“Yes, well, it wouldn’t do good for me to make a bad impression on Mr. Shitzel-,”
“Schnitzel, Rarity: Schnitzel,” Twilight said again with a huff. Did this mare ever listen to a word anypony else said?
“Yes, of course: it wouldn’t do good for me to make a bad impression on the good... sir, and I need him to be in a cooperative mood for us to properly measure him. Darling, if you would please stand up, we can begin.”
“Radda?” Schnitzel asked, having zoned out slightly looking at all of the colorful fabrics this pony had hanging around her home. “Radda, radda radda.” Standing up, he took the stance any normal Marzipan City resident would have taken if they were just, well, standing. Paying attention to the ponies walking around by his knees, the rock creature watched as a measuring tape levitated in front of the white one. What was her name again? Eatery or something?
“Now, dear, if you could be so kind as to just hold up your... arms, we can begin,” Rarity said.
“Radda,” Schnitzel said with a nod, doing as he was told. Instantly the tape was stretched out, the magically-hovering materials whizzing between his body and Rarity’s eyes.
“Twilight, dear, take these measurements down on that pad of paper, will you? I have a feeling we’ll be here a while,” Rarity said. “He is quite larger than any other client I’ve had, you know.”
“Of course, Rarity,” Twilight said, secretly giddy at the chance to take down numbers and perform calculations.
Oh, Rarity: that was her name. Well, given she didn’t exactly look like any of the other unicorns in this town, except for that Sweetie Belle, he had to guess the name suited her. Still Schnitzel didn’t like the way she kept glancing at his paunchy belly. Sure, he wasn’t in as good of shape as he once was, but he was still plenty strong and limber and... stuff!
As Rarity rattled off some numbers and Twilight scribbled them down like a perso- ahem, pony possessed, Schnitzel noticed something peculiar about this place. It seemed as though this Rarity not only lived here, but worked here as well. Jeez, what a sad and lonely life, judging from the lack of any paraphernalia signifying there was a significant someone, er, somepony else in her life. Wow, a workaholic at a rather insignificant business with not much to show for it and without somepony to call their own?
Her life eerily mirrored Schnitzel’s own, or at least, did so in his mind. Still, it beat working at Mung’s: this place at least smelled nicer than that kitchen.
“Schneetzel, you may lower your arms now,” Rarity said, earning a face-hoof from Twilight off in her special corner.
“Radda,” he replied, doing as she said. In all seriousness, could she not remember his name? It was simple, easy to pronounce and... yeah, that might have been asking too much of this seamstress.
“Okay, I’m going to go with a loose-sleeve design, so as to accommodate the large fatty tissue built up around his arms,” Rarity said, glancing over at Twilight. “Got that, dear?”
“Yes: loose-sleeve design to accommodate the excessive addition of lipids under the thick dermal layer of the biped’s appendages,” Twilight said, looking up only to see the two confused faces of Rarity and Schnitzel. “What?”
“Nevermind,” Rarity said quickly as her tape measure wrapped around the rock creature’s waist. “Oh, I’m going to need an extra-extra-large waistband for Mr. Schnitzo here; he’s rather rotund.”
“Radda?” Schnitzel said, poking gently at his own belly. Sure, he could push until his finger disappeared up to his knuckle, but come on, she didn’t have to be so blatant when it came to his physique!
“Hmm, I don’t think he’ll be wearing anything like a shoe: his feet just dulled the edges of my tape measure,” the unicorn said, blowing off a few bits of dust from where they had made contact with said feet.
“Radda,” he replied. Okay, that was to be expected; he was a rock creature, after all, so of course his skin would be coarse and rather hard. That, and he didn’t like shoes all that much anyway. Wait a minute, if ponies had hooves, why would they need shoes anyway? That’s be like trying to put socks on a flamingo or a hat on a rabbit; utterly ridiculous, not to mention useless.
“I think a bowler hat would be good for covering up the top of his head,” Rarity continued, her magic starting to summon cloth and cut it into pieces. “Maybe a pop-up collar, like a tuxedo of some kind. Surely it would be good for him to dress in black, if only to hide his out-of shape figure. Black is slimming, after all.”
“Radda,” Schnitzel sighed, resigned to the fact that one, this mare would never get his name, and two, he was going to be here a while. As she started cutting the fabric and holding it up to his body, Schnitzel let his mind wander, so much so that he didn’t realize there was a purple hoof waving in front of his face.
“Schnitzel! Are you in there?” Twilight asked, pumping her hoof furiously past the creature’s face. After managing to get all of the clothes properly cut and assembled, Rarity had gone off to sew them up, and Schnitzel... well, he seemed to have fallen into a trance of some sort. So, to try and get his attention in a more practical way, she poked him in his cold belly, which was rather hard, even though it was rather fat.
“Radda?” Schnitzel said in surprise, standing up rather quickly and narrowly missing a lamp with his face. He looked down at Twilight, who had taken a few steps back from his sudden revival. “Radda, radda radda radda?”
“Oh, Rarity’s almost done putting the finishing touches on your outfit,” the purple unicorn said. “We should be leaving for Canterlot shortly after that, though the means of transport are open to you. Do you want to take a carriage, or a hot air balloon? We never really use the balloon, so it might have some insects living in it.” Twilight failed to mention it had taken three exterminators and the lives of fifteen bug bombs to clean out the balloon’s basket for last year’s Running of the Leaves. If only they had also checked the balloon, then that poor family of spiders wouldn’t have been incinerated by the balloon’s hot air. The only one to escape that fateful day, a young spider named Steve, had sworn revenge on all pony kind after the race finished.
Until he was promptly eaten by a bird the next day, and thus the circle of life continued.
Well Schnitzel didn’t like to fly, and since he didn’t need to know any tragic backstory on spiders, balloons and revenge, he said simply “radda”.
“Um... okay, does that mean carriage?” Twilight guessed.
“Radda radda,” Schnitzel replied, nodding his head for added effect.
“Okay, carriage it is then,” the purple unicorn said, packing away her notes. She kept pretty much every note she had ever taken, all the way back to her first days at school. Sadly, this habit of keeping paper for just this and not recycling it had cost much of the north to fall prey to deforestation; all for her paper-hungry hobbies.
“Oh Mr. Schindler, I’ve finished your clothes!” Rarity called out, magically dragging behind her a big, neatly-pressed pile of fabric. “If you could be so kind as to put these on in one of the dressing rooms, I’d be more than happy to help Twilight arrange your transportation.”
“Radda,” the rock creature said, taking the surprisingly soft pile of clothes from the aura of magic that surrounded them. Walking away from the two unicorns, he slipped into one of the clearly-marked changing rooms. A bit cramped, but he’d be able to change no problem, right?
The sudden crunching noise of one of his outstretched legs going through the wooden wall said otherwise. Hastily propping a chair against it in the vain hope Rarity wouldn’t notice until he was long gone, Schnitzel changed and came out just as he could hear the carriage rolling up into the front yard.
“Well, I must say, he does look rather dapper,” Rarity said to Twilight as they opened the door for the rock creature. The carriage whined and pleaded and creaked under his weight, but the wheels held, if just barely. “He could lose some weight, though,” Rarity added in a loud whisper, to which Schnitzel just frowned.
“Thanks again Rarity; we’ll let you know how everything went,” Twilight said as she too clambered into the carriage. “Well, are you ready Schnitzel?”
“Radda radda,” he replied with a shrug of sorts. Sure, why not? Maybe Canterlot would be a nice place. Off in the distance behind them, a voice cried out from the boutique: "my beautiful wall!"
Oh, how wrong he was: Canterlot was like Marzipan on steroids and some pixie dust. Rolling into Canterlot was more stressful than trying to drive a car filled with Blast Raz Fruit while careening down the side of a volcano with some fat, sweaty mammoth sitting next to you whose mother needed money for clown college. The traffic jams were terrifying, the ponies were rude and snobbish, and even some of the police ponies looked like they wanted nothing better to do that go eat donuts and beat on hippies with some batons. Strange thing was, there were no hippies in Canterlot, so all they could do was go eat donuts.
Still, when a carriage rolls up outside of the palace amidst a blast of trumpet, ponies stopped and stared, with some even approaching to get a good look.
Out of the carriage he stepped, his clothes fitting him like a glove. The giant wore a pair of dark sunglasses, and his jaw was set as though he knew he was important. Every stride seemed to be made with purpose and in slow motion, set to the beat of some music by a Mr. Michael Colton and the Lonely Isle pony group. What was it about again? A pirate and a club and drugs and dropping something? The author loved the song, but didn’t want to be sued for copyright infringement, so he made up some ponified words and tacked them into the story.
All in all, Schnitzel had to admit he looked good in this suit and hat: that Rarity had really outdone herself. As he approached the opening doors, he looked over at a group of mares watching in rapt fascination. Glimpsing over the tops of his shades with a smoldering look, he gave them a wink and watched in amusement as they fainted away.
Looking ahead, he walked through the doors, giving one last glance to Twilight, who was waving from the carriage, and as the doors shut on this apparent high-roller, Schnitzel found himself in a whole new world.
“So, Mr. Schnitzel, we meet at last,” a voice said, and the sharp-dressed rock creature turned to find himself faced with two winged unicorns, one white and one deepest blue.
Quick, he had to think of something smooth to say.
“Radda.”