A town where fillies and colts play together under a carefully-crafted cloud layer that shields them not only from potentially harmful UV rays, but the world government’s black observation patrols as well. Welcome, listeners.
Welcome... to Ponyville.
Good evening, listeners. I’d like to start things off by reporting on a few of the current events that my interns have been diligently scouting in the name of community radio. First off is the recent opening of Ponyville’s Pony Pet Play Park, which everypony has been looking forward to since its announcement arrived three months ago on a particularly harsh wind that blew through town among the westerlies and a chorus of harmonizing screams.
As I am sure you are all well aware, the Pony Pet Play Park promises to be the latest and greatest in the series of renovations planned by our beloved City Council. I am a pet owner myself, listeners, and I for one am glad that my adorable dalmatian puppy, Chaucer, and I will have a safe and comfortable place to play together under the stern but loving eye of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police.
When approached for comment, Mayor Mare had this to share about the Play Park:
“Citizens of Ponyville, as proud as myself and the members of the City Council are to share the opening of the Pony Pet Play Park with all of you, we would like to take this time to remind everypony of the Park rules.”
Mayor Mare then reportedly took several minutes to stare directly into the noontime sun overhead, working the muscles of her jaw in a manner which could only be described as “probably very agonizing.” She then continued with her speech thusly:
“Pets are not allowed in the Pony Pet Play Park. Ponies are not allowed in the Pony Pet Play Park. While it is possible that you will see hooded figures in the Pony Pet Play Park, do not approach them. Do not approach the Pony Pet Play Park. We advise against maintaining eye contact with the Pony Pet Play Park for extended periods of time. Do not look at the hooded figures for any length of time whatsoever.
“The Pony Pet Play Park will not harm you.”
What a wonderful day for our little town, dear listeners. Let me take this moment to ask you something - how many of you are pet owners yourselves? Do you have a cat, or maybe a bunny? Perhaps you opted for something a little less pedestrian, and adopted one of the many starving Changelings that have been seen skirting around the edges of the Everfree Forest and Whitetail Woods for several weeks now. I admit that it warms my heart to see our community doing its part in reaching out and finding these poor, love-starved creatures new homes. Remember, listeners, if you are interested in taking your very own Changeling home to play with the foals, be sure to drop by the local branch office of Prince Shining Armor’s secret police. The staff there will take your Changeling off to be processed and will hand you a short survey to be completed in forty-five seconds or less, or your new pet’s life is forfeit.
Be smart, listeners, and be responsible. Take proper care of your pets and they in turn will provide all the warmth and affection a family could ask for.
And now, a word from our sponsor.
As a parent, you know that no matter what, your foals will always come first. They are the sun in your sky and the sparkle in your eyes. Your foals are probably the only things in life that you could properly find a sappy metaphor to describe. Your foals make you proud; proud enough to purchase those smarmy school bumper stickers and display them unironically, prouder than you’ve ever been. Your foals are the root of your hubris. Your foals will be returned to you after your loyalty is confirmed.
This message has been brought to you by Sugarcube Corner. Remember, if you can’t keep track of your children, you shouldn’t have given them sugar in the first place.
Excuse me for a moment, listeners. Berry Bubble, the intern, is trying to get my attention. Oh. It seems that somepony slid an unmarked envelope through the small gap between the station’s front door and the completely normal and unremarkable drywall surface that surrounds it. Here it is. Ahem.
“Dear Mister Sea Silt,
My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I’ve lived in Ponyville for several years now, and I can now say without a doubt that this town is the most scientifically fascinating community in all of Equestria. A team of like-minded scientists and theorists, including myself, has assembled to begin study on the strange happenings around here. We do so in the name of science, progress, and discovery, and due to the very real danger of conducting studies and experiments in our current environment, we would appreciate any cooperation the other townsfolk see fit to afford us. Our new laboratory is located across the street from Quills and Sofas, right next door to the old laundromat.
We are here to help the citizens of Ponyville. There is still time. Signed, Lyra Heartstrings.”
It does a stallion’s heart good to hear from members of his community stepping up and putting their best hoof forward. We should all learn from Miss Heartstrings and her selfless dedication to her craft and the ponies around her. Don’t worry, listeners; I feel that this isn’t the last we’ll hear from Lyra and her friends at the new laboratory next door to the old laundromat on Maple and Main Street, where operatives from the shadowy government agency are already beginning to set up stakeouts. I expect to hear quite a bit of news in the coming weeks both from our capable team of interns here at Ponyville Community Radio, and, of course, you, dear listeners. Community radio is just that: a community-driven effort to bring news and cheer to the hearts of every member of Ponyville. Without your almost-constant stream of calls, anonymous letters, and thinly-veiled death threats, we would not be what we are today. Thank you all.
Ahhh, Lyra. The name just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
And now, the weather.
We are receiving several reports that cutie marks, particularly those relating to special talents that include sports and other physical activities, are wrong. I do not share this news as any sort of bias or to discredit the many great sportsponies that inhabit our fair town. This is simply what we’ve been told: they are wrong. The resident bowling aficionado commonly known as “the Dude” had this to say about these reports:
“That’s just, like, your opinion, man. The people’s opinion. Not yours, I guess. All I know is that at the end of the day, I just don’t feel right, y’know, unless I’ve got one hoof behind the line, right?”
Reports have yet to be confirmed on whether or not the Dude’s cutie mark, which has been revealed to be a glass full of an as-yet-unidentified liquor, are related to the story in any way. To combat growing unease about these allegations against purveyors of sports and their cutie marks, Ponyville’s ex-librarian… eugh… Princess Twilight Sparkle, has stated that she plans to singlehoofedly perform a series of tests that will get to the root of the problem.
What an egotistical nag. Am I right?
On that note, I would like to remind everypony that the finishing touches on the newly-renovated Golden Oaks Public Library will be complete next week. Bring your families to come and enjoy the good company of friends and neighbors as you walk the silent halls and navigate the perilous bookcases… of the Golden Oaks Public Library. More on this and the exciting new team of librarians next week.
And now for an update on traffic conditions in our humble little burg.
Ditzy Doo. Yes, you, Miss Doo. There is a hooded figure standing - or perhaps hovering, it’s difficult to say - on your front doorstep. I should assume you already know that it is doing so in a very menacing manner. It is not making any noise audible to pony ears. If you place a cordless phone in the windowsill closest to your front door, you may be able to hear the bursts of static and sonic feedback that make up the only auditory aspects of their horrible, gibbering language. I do not recommend this.
Rest assured, the hooded figure will not harm you or your family, Miss Doo. Lock your doors and windows and remove the pilot light from your oven.
That’s all for today’s traffic.
We at Ponyville Community Radio would like to ask for your assistance, listeners. Assistance in locating one of our interns, a bright young colt by the name of Featherweight. Featherweight is the youngest intern to serve with our humble station. He is fairly skinny for his age, but his family is sure that he’ll fill in as he gets older. He wants to be a photographer when he grows up. His favorite color is maroon. When asked where he would hide an unregistered Changeling, he would reply, “they belong with Prince Shining Armor’s secret police.” What an outstanding young colt.
Featherweight has been missing for four days and has not reported into the station for his daily communion with Station Management, which we all must be sure to attend. He was last seen near the area that is now the Pony Pet Play Park, carrying a camera around his neck and a hearty amount of enthusiasm.
If you have information regarding Featherweight’s current fate and whereabouts, simply stand on your front doorstep and whisper it into the still night sky during a full moon, waning crescent moon, waxing gibbous moon, or a completely moonless night such as is scheduled on every other Thursday evening. Don’t worry; we’ll hear it. This excludes Miss Doo, which should go without saying. Stay inside your home, Ditzy Doo. Tell your children you love them. You are perfectly safe.
As always, dear listeners, I’m afraid that once again it’s time to draw our meeting to an end. I’d like to personally thank each and every one of you once again for helping to make Ponyville Community Radio, and all of Ponyville, such a special and wonderful place to live and sometimes pretend to sleep. I’ll leave you all with these closing thoughts:
A golden key can open any door. Invest in precious metals if you find yourself locked out of your home. If you are trying to get into the old laundromat, I recommend a key of obsidian instead.
With that, our time is at an end. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Good night, dear listeners. Good night.
Today's weather performed by Daniel Guerra Caballero. Originally composed by Akira Yamaoka.
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