Wilfred

by Part-time Rarity

Episode I - Chapter I : Happiness [Laughter]

Twilight Sparkle released her delicate grip on her quill, allowing it to drop to the table.
"There!" she exclaimed, looking over the single piece of parchment that lay on the oak desk before her. A single glance, however, and she was immediately displeased with her work. She read it over again, assuring she wasn't imagining it. A scorn of contempt appeared on her face. The title of the parchment read:

She cried out in despair,
"Argh! Four drafts and I screw up the title, for Godesses' sake?!" Princess Celestia had always taught Twilight of the 'no-notes-on-test' rule, of which the purple unicorn had just blatantly disregarded. She facehoofed, but just didn't have the patience to write yet another copy of the damned note. Twilight hastily scribbled out '4th Draft' and proceeded to the small kitchen that lay under the Ponyville library.
As she trotted down the hardy, solid stairs -- parchment gripped between her teeth -- she reflected on the old building. Twilight had resided in the Ponyville Treehouse-Athenaeum for years now, tending to and caring for the countless books and scrolls. Recently, though, she had been running short on storage for the massive amount of data she received on a daily basis.
"Ah, well..." She rationalized aloud, closing the door behind her as she arrived in the cookery. "...Spike will take care of it." Levitating the parchment from her muzzle, she took a few jars of herbs from a shelf above the stove. Sprinkling the contents into a mortar, Twilight read off the recipe from her memory:
"Mint, ground vanilla, pulverized nutmeg..." She placed a large copper kettle atop a burner, and began boiling the water inside. She then levitated over to her the club-shaped pestle and a small, transparent-orange bottle. It had a plain black-and-white laminated label, the words 'Twilight Sparkle - Monoamime Oxidase Inhibitor' inscribed on it. Unscrewing the cap, she dumped it's contents -- exactly twenty-one plastic capsules, each filled with a fine, crème coloured dust -- into the herbal concoction.
She began grinding the ingredients together, giving off the aroma of mint and ammonia. Once the mixture was turned to a strange combination of crushed leaves and powder, she took the kettle off the cooker and poured the herbs into it. Humming, she stirred up the water, turning it a sickly brown.
A small rectangular window breached the thick wall of solid wood of the kitchen, letting the moonlight shine peacefully onto the floor. Sighing contentedly, Twilight poured the 'tea' into a large mug, adding two spoonfuls of sugar. Placing the suicide note on the counter, she chugged the liquid, having it disappear in a few short glugs. Blech... too sweet. she thought to herself. She poured another pint of the liquid and let it flow down her throat, finishing off the ritual by drinking straight from the kettle itself. Well... Hopefully they'll find my body before the smell becomes a problem.
Lying down beneath the illumination of Luna's domain, Twilight closed her eyes and awaited her inevitable end.

At around dawn, a knock came from the solid mahogany door that served as the entrance to Twilight's Athenaeum. Shaking the drowsiness from her head, Twilight rose (surprisingly) to her hooves. The knocking on the door continued, and Applejack's voice called out, her Southern accent slightly slurring her words.
"Twilight? Ya' in there, Sugarcube?"
Rushing nervously up the stairs and to the door, Twilight took a deep breath. Why was she even nervous? There was no chance her friend could have discovered what Twilight had tried (and failed) to do. Exhaling sharply, she opened the door, permitting the butterscotch mare.
"Good morning, Applejack!" Twilight said, smiling with a façade of glee. Applejack's eyes widened, her ears flattened against her alloy-orange hat.
"Oh... erm... mornin' Twi'." Taking a step back, she continued, "Uh, is this a bad time? Cuz' Ah' could come back later..."
"What do you mean? Now is fine!"
"Are ya' sure? Cuz' ya' got a little somethin'..." Applejack waved her hoof at Twilight. Confused, the lavender unicorn looked down at her breast, noticing it was covered in vomit. Oh... that's why I'm alive. she thought. I must've 'ejected' the drugs. Blushing nervously -- the stupid grin still plastered upon her face -- Twilight levitated over a blanket and draped it around her neck, covering the filth-caked splotch of fur.
Flinching slightly in disgust, Applejack began to speak again:
"Anywho~ I'm goin' outta' town for the Summer Sun Celebration. Big Macintosh'll be away at another one of his..." she paused, "...'private photoshoots' with Cousin Braeburn, so I was wonderin' if ya'll could watch my dog for me?"
Twilight's smile shot off her expression.
"What? Why me? I'm sure Fluttershy is much more capable of an animal caretaker than me."
Chuckling nervously, AJ responded curtly.
"Erm... Fluttershy is at the 'photoshoot" too, unfortunately... as well as Rarity... and-" she shuddered, "-Mayor Mare." Twilight raised a suspicious eyebrow as Applejack shook her head, attempting to abolish the thought. "Anyway, Ah' thought, 'Well, why not you?' So what'ya say Twi'?"
"Uh... I guess so. So where is the little poochie?" Twilight said, adding a slight 'goo-goo voice' to the last sentence. AJ whistled loudly, and a few moments later, the 'dog' scurried up to his master's flank.
"Ah' just can't thank ya' enough,' Twi'! Anyways, Winona here, gets two cups a' feed each day 'round noon, and I usually walk her down to the river right afterwards...

Applejack's voice seemed to fade to dull ringing, emanating through Twilight's ears. The longer Twilight stared at the 'dog' that sat aside her friend, the stranger it seemed. What in the hell?? Sitting in Winona's place was a large, male, adult stallion. His deep azure eyes pierced his beige hide with needle-like sharpness. Strangely, that despite how obvious it was, he was clearly not a dog. He wore a grey, cheap looking costume that was completed with long, floppy ears and a thin, erect tail. The stallion stared back with a piercing, judgmental look, his body completely motionless.
"Got all that. Twi'?" Applejack said, breaking Twilight from her vertigo of thought.
"Hm? Oh, sure! Crystal clear!" she said hurriedly.
"Great. Cm'on Winona, girl! Imma' leavin'." The stallion got to his hooves -- his height reaching just above the earth-pony -- and ran his tongue along his master's cheek. AJ responded with a quick rustling of the stallions head. He trotted inside, leaving Twilight's eyes wide with confusion.
"Good luck!" Applejack said, closing the door as she left.

The two ponies simply stared at each other, the silence becoming increasingly awkward. 'Winona' calmly trotted toward one the sofas that Twilight had positioned around the living room a few months ago, the sun glinting off the collar that hung around his neck. Jumping upon the cushions, the stallion twirled around three times before sitting down, a sigh of relief escaping from his mouth.
Twilight gave off a terrified squeak at the notion. Clearing his throat, the tan pony spoke:
"You know, I like this couch." He said, his strong Australian accent adding to the ridiculousness of the current situation. "Most ponies' couches, it takes me at least four minutes to get comfortable. In dog time, that's long enough to get one off!" Twilight gasped. A stallion in a dog costume was in her house, sitting on her couch and spewing profanity. Maybe she really had died...
"Wha- What are you?" She stammered. Twilight felt her head spin, as if she would faint.
"Well. I am alot of things." The stallion said, a steady calmness in his voice. "My Master call's me Winona, most people call me dog or poochie..."
"I know! I mean... what are you?"
"I am, simply, a dog. Although my friend's call me Wilfred."
"Ok... 'Wilfred'... if you're a dog, then why can you talk, and why do you look like a pony?"
"I have no clue, honestly." Shrugging, Wilfred continued "But, if the prophecy that is foretold is true, I am the third God of Equestria."
Twilight fell to her haunches, stunned.
"Prophecy? What prophecy?" She asked urgently. "What the hell are you saying? It's only been two minutes and you're trying to convince me that you're a God? Do you expect me to believe you??"
"Well... let me give you a bit of context first." Wilfred began, gesturing with his 'paws.' "Many years ago, before Equestria was colonized by the three kingdoms, there was a young monk who lived in the Everfree Forest. This stallions name was San William de Pene Pequeño, or better known as the Bishop of the Goddesses. Despite being a normal earth-pony, he possessed great magical capabilities. He watched over the land, assuring it maintained itself.
"But then the Bishop became ill...very, very ill. He knew that, no matter what he tried, his soul would be inevitably wrenched from his body. In his desperation to keep peace over the land he knew he had to create a new vessel to carry out his whims. Without it, the world would plunge into peril, the land overcome by the evil that lay within the forest.
"Casting together the elements required to make a living organism -- a mixture consisting mainly of water and minerals -- he accomplished this goal. However, according to the laws of equivalent exchange, he still required a soul to control the body. Sacrificing himself, he infused a soul into the vessel. But not just any soul..."
Wilfred paused, his eyes wide and unblinking. "...an otherworldly soul. One who was as powerful as the Bishop, Celestia, and Luna combined tenfold. Such a unique being required time to prepare itself however, and henceforth, lived in solitude. Waiting for just the perfect moment to reveal itself." He finished with a devious smile, a shadow seemingly crossing his face. "How do you think he could keep himself in hiding for so long without a decent disguise?"
Twilight's mouth dropped open wide. Her body began to shake. Was she really in the presence of a foretold God, one more powerful than any seen before?
"Wha- what in Celestia's name are you talking about? So you're saying that you're a legendary God? Destined to save the world from all harm?!" She stammered. The two sat in silent suspense, the atmosphere becoming denser with anticipation at each passing second.

...

"Naw', you fucking gibbon, I'm just a damn dog, and you're probably just hallucinating!" Wilfred said, laughing hysterically.