It was the longest half an hour of my entire life.
Twilight wasn’t teaching me the lore of her people, she was just making sure I didn’t accidentally embarrass myself. What I did on purpose, she made blatantly clear, was none of her responsibility.
She spent a lot of time explaining arbitrary rules and systems, like their currency (There is one coin, the Bit. You trade bits for goods. Am I going to fast here?) and their entirely messed up government.
“Wait, are you sayin’ yer whole country is ruled over by two more o’ these ‘alicorns’ like you? And that they are immortal, huge, massively overpowered omnipresent mother ducks in some castle on a mountain, cooing over ‘their little ponies’? Cuz that’s what I’m getting here.”
Twilight looked me dead in the eye, challenging me to say one word more. “Exactly.”
“But…But…” My eye was twitching HARD.
“You know what, I’m not even going to start on the solar system,” Twilight groaned, “Just listen…”
She went on to explain a few social niceties, like don’t touch a Pegasus’s wings unless you want to be severely maimed, nor unicorn’s horn unless you want to die a violent death. Also, I would have to be escorted at all times by one of these ‘element-bearers’ (Twilight and her friends, custodians of some pony super-weapon) at all times until Twilight had time to work out my ‘spacial signature’ and send me the hell back to wherever I came from, praise the lord.
“So wait, your country has two demigods in permanent power-?”
“Yes. In Canterlot. You can see it out the window. Now-“
“But what about representative government?”
Twilight’s stoney expression never wavered. “The nobles are thinking about introducing it, but-“
“Nobles?!”
A massive sigh, “Yes, nobles.”
“Children of the Demigods?”
“No, they’re…well, they’re related somehow, but…Look, can I get to the part actually pertaining to you?”
Wait, this is the part where she explains what the hell I’m doing here, right? Wonderful. “I’m sorry, please continue. Politics c’n come later.”
“Or never,” Twilight muttered,” But anyway; Equestria has gone through some pretty big changes recently, and we’d all thought it was calming down til about a year ago. Then, one day, a strange creature – human, clearly – fell out of the sky near the edge of the Everfree. He ran through town, ranting and raving and shouting at us all. He knew weird things, private things, about almost every prominent pony in town, and he also sprouted a LOT of nonsense. The rumours he started while we were trying to figure out where he came from nearly ruined one or two important ponies. After about a month, the Princesses managed to formulate a spell to send him home. But then,” She looked at the table angrily as if it was to blame, “not a month later, another human fell into Applejack’s cider press.”
…Ouch.
“Well, we treated him with magic and sent him home after three weeks. Almost immediately, another fell, this time landing in the middle of the town square. All three of them knew creepy amounts about us, but this one seemed intent on staying. So, since it seemed another human just dropped in every time we sent the last one home, we…decided to let him.”
The look on her face screamed of a bad ending. “He started doing…weird things. Eventually we had to have him watched. He wouldn’t leave Rarity alone, and eventually she ended up kicking him in the face. Not to mention, a week after that, another human dropped in as well! This time a girl. Later that week we sent both of them home, both crying about wanting to stay. But they were both so strangely behaved, Celestia – yes, one of the Princesses – and we decided that it wasn’t safe, for us or them.”
She stood up and shook herself off, “Basically, for every one of you we send back to your own home, another appears, each one a little odder than the last. We seem to be getting only the whiny, obsessive, annoying humans in general, according to testimony from the humans themselves. For your sake I sincerely hope that’s the case. But the problem is, the time between each appearance is growing shorter after each event. Rarity is only coming back from Canterlot today after getting that last human sent home! And now you…So forgive me for being short.”
Like hell I’ll forgive you. “Okay then, so what now, yer Royal Zappiness?”
Twilight shuffled over to a grey filing cabinet shoved into a corner and magicked out a few sheets of paper. “We take your name and details for research purposes, and then we might be able to get you back home where you belong by tomorrow or the next, when either of the Princesses are free. Sound good?”
I grinned. “I dunno why you can’t do it, but aye, girl, sounds grand. You know what the first thing I’m gonna do when I get back home is?”
Her face fell deadpan, “I would guess-“
“To the pub!”
Twilight shoved one of her hooves into her own face. Then again when she had to explain what a facehoof was.
*****
Early the next morning, two ponies stood on the platform of Ponyville station as the first train of the day pulled in.
“Rarity! Raaarityyy! Over here!”
“Yes, Pinkie darling,” Rarity replied, trotting out the doors and across the train station’s single platform towards the bouncing form of Pinkie and the more subdued Fluttershy. “It’s difficult to miss the only two ponies here, dear.”
Pinkie stopped bouncing with a last loud ‘Hello!’ and sat grinning in the early morning sunlight. Fluttershy smiled sweetly at her friend. “So…how was the trip with Sarah?”
“Oh, well enough, I suppose,” Rarity muttered as she kept an eye on the porters unloading her luggage. “She escaped again. Luckily she just got lost in the castle. She tried to hug Princess Luna before the spell was cast, but Luna has wards to prevent any incidents after the last time.”
“That’s a shame, Luna needs more hugs!” Pinkie beamed. “I wonder if she would like one delivered?”
“Anyway,” Rarity continued, unperturbed, “I can’t wait to get back to the boutique and relax in a human-free environment for a few days.”
“Oh, um, Well…” Fluttershy stuttered.
“There’s good news, and there’s bad news.” Pinkie added.
“The good news is I can take care of Opal for a few more days.” Fluttershy whispered.
Rarity’s eye twitched, “And why, dear, would I need to leave Opal in your care any longer?”
Pinkie Pie answered her, “Because we have a NEW HUMAN! YAY!”
Rarity just about fell flat where she stood.
*****
It was awful.
It was terrible, monstrous, and unbelievable. It tore at my heart and soul and left me a blubbering mess, much like the mess that was on the plate before me.
For, you see, Princess Twilight Sparkle had made breakfast.
“Oh come on, you crybaby, it’s not that bad.” She muttered prodding at her own bowl beside her toast.
“W-where…Where’s the ham an’ eggs?!” I begged in disbelief. Okay, not really disbelief, they’re ponies, but come on!
Twilight took a bite of toast before answering me, “I don’t keep eggs, and there is literally no ham, for over a thousand miles in any direction. And no, I’m not teleporting you any. Just eat your oatmeal, it’s good for you!”
Aye, it may be,” I said, pushing the plate away in misery, “But it ain’t ham an’ eggs, now, is it? Do ya at least have a ‘tater I c’n bake fer meself?’
She stared back at me with a blank look. “A what?’
“Po. Ta. To. ‘Tater?”
She shook her head, “No, sorry, the starch doesn’t agree with me all that well.”
…What hell is this?
“I don’t think there are any potatoes around this time of year anyway,” She shrugged oblivious to how she was destroying my world, “Only one pony even grows them in Ponyville anyway, and she harvested the last crop was some months ago.”
It can’t be….
“So…no ‘tater fer breakfast?”
“No probably not,” Twilight took a gulp of her oatmeal, then added thoughtfully, “Well, maybe Zecora has a few saved…”
“Who where what when?” I slammed my hands into the table, leaning forwards in anticipation. Look, I really like a nice baked potato, okay? Anything but…ugh...oatmeal
“Hey!” Twilight fumbled with her bowl and mine as they rattled about after my reaction, “Look, if it means so much to you, we can go get some damn potatoes!”
I’d woken up quite late in Twilight’s basement. She’d had a room put in where she said she ‘entertained’ human guests from time to time, but I saw it, as anyone would, as an overnight cell. Twilight reinforced this idea by simply teleporting me into the room when I refused to go in on my own. It had actually been well appointed. Better than my old room anyway. The bed was... good. Good enough for me to oversleep by about four hours, in fact. By the time I woke up with Twilight knocking at the door with some notion that I had died a horrible death, her helper, some pony named ‘Spike’, apparently, (she only glossed over it) had already gone off to fetch some herbs from somewhere-or-other. But by that time I’d been looking at my breakfast in horror so I didn’t really listen.
I grabbed my old (and now slightly grubby) jacket and throw it on. “Let’s go Mis Sparkle, ‘taters wait for no one!… ‘cept in July.”
Twilight just stared at me, aghast.
*****
“Honestly now, where in Equestria could she be?!” Rarity stamped her hoof outside Golden Oaks Library for about the fifth time, “Pinkie, are you sure Twilight was meant to be here this morning?”
“Yep! Left the human and Twilight right here!” Pinkie confirmed, “Maybe they went for a tour of town?’
“After what happened to Time Turner’s shop that one time…”
Pinkie flinched, “Oh yeah, the clock and the chicken…”
“Indeed,” Rarity nodded, “After that incident, I believe Twilight would be much wiser than to let a human loose. It’s more likely the human made a break for it again, and we need to apprehend him before he destroys anything important.”
“Well,” Fluttershy added meekly, “On my way to the station this morning, I saw Spike on his way to Zecora’s to fetch Twilight some of that extra-strong poppy tea she drinks when she gets headaches, maybe she went that way with the human, too?”
“Hmm, now we have a conundrum,” Rarity nodded thoughtfully, “We either need to search town, or go in the opposite direction…”
“Hey Bon Bon!” Pinkie called happily. She was bouncing nearly fifty metres from her friends, grinning at the bored-looking pony in front of her, “We’re looking for another human, seen him lately? Tallish, brown mane, screaming all the time?”
Bon Bon nodded, “Well I did hear some screaming over by the Everfree earlier…”
“Thaaaanks!” Pinkie bounced back to Rarity and Fluttershy, beaming. “There we go, now we lost our conundrum!” Then she paused, before meekly offering to Rarity, who seemed a little put-off, “…though, I can get you a new one if you liked that one so much…?”
“Oh, no dear, it’s just I wonder about you sometimes,” Rarity shook her head with a rueful smile, “Now come on girls, lets catch that human!
“Oh, and have either of you seen Rainbow Dash at all?”
*****
“Now, y’see, this is the sort o’ place I can get ta likin’!” I grinning at all the dull brown mustiness of the forest. The heavy evergreen foliage above us seemed almost blue-black in the gloom. All around me were dark forbidding shadows, and before me a path with no certain end.
So just like Saturday nights back home, really.
“Slow down, Dale, you don’t know what might be on the trail!” Twilight cautioned.
“What, like…monsters an’ such?” I asked stopping in my tracks
“No! I mean like this!” She bent and kicked a branch aside from my feet, “You could have tripped and hurt yourself!”
“So…it’s not dangerous here?” I clarified. She had to be kidding me. Right?
She shrugged, ‘Not really, so long as you’re on the path, you’re safe enough.”
“Oh fer the love of-!”
“Is that Twilight Sparkle, I hear?” Called a deep feminine voice from within the gloom, “And also a human friend, I fear…”
Well she didn’t have to sound so glum about it…
“Oh, we’re here already.” Twilight said, for once sounding neither bored nor sarcastic. “Now we can get the damned tuber and go home!”
“But I wanted a ‘tater, no’ a tuber.” I said in confusion, beginning to discern the windows and door set into the shrubbery. Very well hidden, for sure.
“A ‘tater- I mean a potato is a tuber! Of the Nightshade family!”
“Wait, ain’t Nightshade a poison? What were you gonna feed me?!” I demanded, alarmed.
“Oh it is the humble potato you seek?” Asked the mysterious voice from within the hidden hut. From the darkness emerged a hopeful-looking zebra. Freaky… “Could I not interest you rather in some tasty leeks?”
“You’re striped, and no, ‘tater please.” I gushed. I was really hungry for some man’s food, and if this new pony didn’t hand it over, I’d pull an Irish and filch it anyway.
The zebra took one look at Twilight’s apologetic grin, and sighed, “Very well, I can see how much you this plant desire. It saddens me so that it is destined for your cooking fire.” She muttered to herself as she went back into her hut and began searching. I heard a second, younger voice from within, “Oh, Twilight’s here? Let me just grab the tea!”
“Oi, Twi, issat the Spike ya mentioned earlier?” I asked as Zecora re-emerged with a bag in her mouth.
“Yes, my number one assistant!” Twilight beamed proudly, “Getting my tea just like I asked him!”
Zecora dropped the bag in my eager hands. As I opened it with a word of thanks and withdrew one of the shiny golden-skinned beauties destined to be my breakfast, I replied, “Well he sounds like a nice enough tyke fer a pony.”
Twilight blinked in confusion, “Wait, Spike isn’t a pony.”
I halted my inspection of my to-be-meal with a quizzical look, “Wait, then wot is ‘e?
Twilights eyes widened in horror, “Oh no, Dale, please don’t overreact-!”
“Twilight, I’ve got your tea right here!” Out of the Zebra’s door came running a goofily smiling, purple-and-green scaled terrifying monster.
“Aaaaaargh! A dragon!” I screamed. In my terror, I threw the one potato in my hands at the fell beast. It struck him upside the head, bounced into the air, and was rapidly engulfed in the sea of green fire the lizard loosed in surprised.
I stared at the empty air where my breakfast had been, now completely empty as the last sparks of fire faded away. A tremor entered my voice as I whispered, “My God, Saint Patrick’s fury…”
Twilight slowly took a step forward, “Dale...please, don’t do anything-“
“Aaaaaaaaauuuuugh!”
She grimaced, “…Like that.”
I didn’t hear her, since I was too busy running in the opposite direction.
*****
Many miles away, in the seat of the Equestrian government and home of the Diararchs, Princess Celestia was poring over ancient tomes of knowledge in the hope of finding a solution to her little ponies’ latest trial. Hours of work and notes piled up around her were scattered, though, when, with a tongue of unearthly flame and a sudden *pop*, a potato materialized above her head.
Celestia jerked her head up in surprise, only to skewer the unfortunate root on her long horn. Unable to see the offending plant, Celestia instinctively charged a warding spell, but the dense potato lodged around her horn stunted the magic, absorbing the energy until it began violently sizzling. With a pained cry, Celestia reeled back from the backlash, and the potato was flung from her horn.
But the damage was done. The mighty form of the Solar Diararch lay panting on the ground, her horn sparking impotently, as the potato fell beside her snout, breaking open to reveal its perfectly cooked and steaming interior to the world.
“Hmm...” Celestia muttered as she raised a hoof to the potato that had laid her low, “Needs butter.”