Chapter 4: Inner Discord
The kitchen was finally in order once more. The royal meal had been prepared under the head chef's watchful eye. Every parsley dash and every celery stalk had been purposely arranged. Cooking was an art and Chef Palate was an artist and like many artists, he was very difficult to please. He was a perfectionist, down to the most superficial detail. How unfortunate that his art had always been served to those who could not truly appreciate it.
As such the chef watched with teary eyes as the servers placed his magnificent broccoli and cheddar soup and mint salad onto trays and trolleys and pushed them into the private dining room where they would no doubt be doused in ridiculous condiments or used to summon eldritch horrors. He shuddered at the image of young Solaris dipping his garlic bread into the soup.
The doors to the kitchen were opened and the butlers and maids rolled in the trolleys. Palate's eyes quickly fell on the untouched bowl of fresh and crispy corn flakes, coated with just the right amount of honey, and paled. He turned to the servants and grew whiter at the sight of their worried appearances. Most of them refused to look the chef in the eye.
"Did the meal not please Her Highness?" he asked, shaking the nearest server's shoulders. "Was it too sweet? Did it go soggy? Did she figure out that we used brand corn flasks instead of making them ourselves from scratch? Does she prefer oatmeal or-"
The butler brushed him off wearily. "Princess Luna was not at the table," he said stiffly. "We shall be bringing her meal to her room momentarily."
"Oh." Palate released a breath of relief. "What about Princess Celestia? Did she enjoy her meal?"
The few nearby cooks and dishwashers rolled their eyes and returned to their card game. Palate may have been a culinary genius but he was also quite the worrywart and more than a just a bit insecure.
"I'm afraid I did not have the opportunity to consult her Majesty's royal taste buds," the steward answered dryly. "But judging by the multiple times she lifted the spoon to her lips I'd say dinner was a success."
"What about His Highness or the young prince?" asked the head chef nervously. "Did they enjoy the meal as well?"
"I, er..." The stallion cleared his throat and tried to pass by. "There are things I must attend to, excuse me."
"What did he do to my soup?" Palate demanded to know. "Did he turn it all into chocolate sauce?"
The butler shook his head.
"Then did he transform it into a bowl of ice cream?"
The butler shook his head.
"Did he transform his meal into anything else besides what it should have been?"
"No."
"Did he flood the entire dining room with syrup?"
"No."
"Did he use my creation to water some foul odor emitting plant that grew in the middle of the room?"
"No."
"Did he freeze the soup and sculpt a twisted phallic image?"
"No."
"Did he pretend to drown in the contents in his bowl?"
"No."
"Did he really drown? Please don't tell me I'm going to be charged with regicide."
The butler shook his head. "No."
"Did he ask for saltine crackers?"
"No."
"Did he and Prince Solaris begin a..." Palate gulped. "...a food fight?"
"No."
"Did he complain about how fascist the soup tasted in an over-the-top foreign accent while grooming a toothbrush mustache?"
"...no."
The cards laid deserted on the ground, the game abandoned as the players and the rest of the kitchen staff crowded around the steward and the shaking chef.
"Please, Alfred," the cook said. "Tell me what happened. I'm strong, I can handle it."
"I have the smelling salts!" chirped a veteran.
The butler took a deep breath. "Nothing."
"Pardon?"
"Lord Discord did nothing, nothing at all. No transformations, no silly dance routines, no improv musicals, no outrages costumes, no inappropriate flirtatious gestures toward Her Highness, no jokes made toward Prince Solaris, not even a knock-knock joke. He didn't even mock my accent or insult my attire under the thin veil of fashion advice."
The entire kitchen gasped.
"He just sat there! He picked up his spoon-yes, picked up a spoon, in his hand! And he just dipped it into his bowl. That's it! He didn't do anything else. No explosions, no confetti, nothing! Nothing, nada, zip! I-I-I need a drink."
The cooks made way as the butler ran past them toward the liquor racks. There was a moment of shocked silence before panicked chatter and whispers danced between the cooks.
"Lord Discord, using a spoon?"
"What's going on? Is he sick?"
"Nothing? He did nothing?"
"Is this, like, some sort of reverse psychology prank he's pulling to scare us? Because quite frankly, it's working."
"Does he know something we don't know? Is Equestria in danger?"
"Do you suppose he's thinking about having an affair?"
"I hear Lord Discord is close to the Bearer of the Element of Kindness? Is she dying?"
"Maybe the soup was just that bad."
"Can Draconequus get terminal diseases?"
"We're all gonna die!"
One of the younger assistance raised his hoof, as if in class. "Um, sir?" he address the head chef. "W-what does this mean?"
Palate simply stood there, as if struggling to register the lad's words. "What indeed," he muttered under his breath. All eyes fell upon him as he walked up to the counters and lifted himself onto it. "Members-" he squeaked. He clear his throat and tried again.
"Members of the royal kitchen staff," he announced boldly this time. "The kitchen is to be closed immediately. You may have the rest of the day off."
A collective gasp and dropping of jaws was the response Palate received while he heaved himself off the counter and dusted himself off. A day off for the cooks? How absurd.
"B-but sir," stuttered a young mare. "What about the dishes? Shouldn't we-"
"Dirty dishes will be here in the morning," the chef interrupted, tossing aside his toque and replacing it with a light brown fedora with a red ribbon tied at the base. "The world may not. Ladies and gentlecolts, if I never see you again..." Palate nodded to each and every one of his colleagues. "It's been an honor."
*****
"Solaris, is something the matter? You've been awfully quiet tonight."
The white colt shook his head. "Just a little tired. Can I be excused? I'm not hungry."
Princess Celestia almost lost her magical grip on her spoon. "We haven't had dessert yet," she said, turning to her husband. Discord kept his head down, focused on his bowl of cold soup. "It's a new recipe for chocolate cake I hear. Don't you want a slice?"
Solaris shook his head again. "I really just want to go to bed. Please Mom?"
The boy quickly lowered his eyes as Celestia tried to stare into them. "Very well," she said after what felt like a thousand years. "I'll read you a story later, okay sweetie?"
"That's okay, you don't have to," Solaris said quietly. He got up and left the dining room, leaving behind a barely touched meal and a trail of weary footsteps echoing on the marble floor. Celestia watched the colt walk away until her vision was blocked as a pair of guards closed the door behind the young prince.
Discord released an exhausted sigh that was barely audible over the shutting of the doors. He churned his own meal, picking up the occasional broccoli and letting it fall back with a weak splash. The Draconequus barely registered the soft thud next to him or the clinking sound of silverware at the side of his paw. It wasn't until he felt the gentle touch of her cheek against his did Discord realize who had moved directly to his side.
"Discord, what's wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've been quiet all evening. Have I ever told you how much I hate silent meals? It reminds me of the first nights without Luna. So depressing." Celestia leaned her head against the Draconequus's furry shoulder. "So lonely. Discord, tell me what's wrong. Please."
Discord felt his eyes drawn straight into Celestia's. With a Herculean effort, he managed to tear away from those grey magenta eyes but the damage was done and the walls he had built were collapsing.
"Celestia...am I...a bad parent?"
Yes, the walls Discord had built around him were collapsing, revealing to the princess the defenseless scared soul that sat before her. And it scared her. It scared Celestia seeing just how vulnerable the Draconequus was, how weak and powerless he could appear. She drew closer, grabbing hold of her husband's arm. Discord made no move to resist.
"Discord," she whispered. "You're a wonderful father. How can you say otherwise?"
"Then why...why does Solaris hate me?"
Celestia recoiled as if burned by Discord's words. There was as much pain in his speech as there was in his golden eyes. Discord pushed aside his bowl and leaned his chin against the table.
"I don't know how to be a dad," he said with the voice of a confessing criminal before judge and jury. "The idea never even crossed my deranged mind. I'm...I'm sorry Celestia. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready and..."
"Are you saying Solaris was a mistake?"
Discord sprung up and turned to face Celestia with shocked eyes. "O-of course not. How can you say-"
"Are you saying that you regret having our son, that you regret the life you have now?" she asked coldly.
"No! I love Solaris!" Discord roared, leaping onto his feet and knocking over his chair. "I-I love you, I love our son! I-"
The Draconequus shut his mouth as his princess silenced him with an embrace.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know you do. And that's enough, more than enough to be a good father."
"What do you mean?"
"You love him. You want to be a good father toward him. If you weren't already the best father Solaris could have, I'd say you're on the right track."
"Celestia..."
"I mean it, Discord. There's no one else in the world I can think of that I would rather have had father and raise my foal." She pressed herself against the Draconequus's chest, drawing small little circles in his fur. "Solaris is lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you. And you..."
The Alicorn looked up and smiled expectantly as Discord stared in bewilderment. Some time passed before the two of them noticed a tiny little Discord walking along the larger Draconequus's shoulder.
"Hey, I think she's setting up a line for ya, you big lunkhead," mini Discord whispered. "Are you gonna finish it or do I have to do it for you?"
Discord flicked off the nuisance from his shoulder with a talon. "And I'm lucky to have you," he said. "Lucky and handsome," he added with the tiniest of smirks.
"There's where my husband went," Celestia smirked, brushing her lips against the Draconequus's cheek.
"Technically, I never left but I've never been one to sweat semantics." He quickly grew solemn however and said, "Is that all I really need to be a good dad? Just some love and that's it?"
"Well, you can't be one without it. You're far from perfect-don't try to deny it-but you're still a wonderful father toward Solaris. You've changed, Discord. We've come a long way since that day we first fought. You're no longer that hedonistic tyrant I first sealed." The princess smiled as she levitated Discord's meal and heated it up. "What brought this up anyways?" she asked, placing the bowl back in front of Discord and setting the chair that had fallen over upright. "You said Solaris hated you. What made you think that? Does it have anything to do with why he was so quiet tonight as well?"
Discord sighed, sitting back into the chair.
"Would it help if you acted it out with puppets?"
He shook his head. "It's just...well, I was looking for Diddy in the garden, you know, to play and everything."
"Uh huh." Celestia motioned him to continue.
"And I found him. And he was just sitting there in front of the little pond."
"So? What's so strange about that? The gardener tell me that Solaris has quite the green hoof. I haven't got a clue who he got that from."
"I'm getting there, I'm getting there. So I go up to say hi, you know, typical sneaking routine that ends up in screams and squeals and giggles, right?"
Celestia nodded. "Yes, and?"
"Well it didn't happen. I mean, I'm about ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine eight five six that I was playing my part perfectly but you know what happened?"
"Screams, squeals, and giggles?"
"No."
"Squeals, giggles, and screams?"
"Not even."
"Giggles, screams, and squeals?"
"No."
Celestia blinked. "Any variation of squealing and screaming and giggling? Any synonyms?"
"No," Discord answered. "There was no screaming or giggling or squealing or laughing or cries of delight or cheers or yay-ing or anything remotely similar, unless you're crazier than me and consider nothing to be remotely similar. He barely responded."
"Maybe he was just really surprised this time," Celestia said with little confidence. "Or he was just tired. Last night was quite a night after all."
Discord shook his head in his own disbelief. "Okay, let's say we buy that but that wasn't the strangest thing. He...didn't want to play."
Celestia blinked again. "He didn't want to play?"
"He didn't want to play with me. He told me...to...leave him alone." Discord found himself staring back at the ground. "Then he ran. My son ran away from me, like I was some sort of mons-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Princess Celestia said sternly.
"...monsieur?" he amended with a weak illusion of a smile. And like most mirages, it soon faded away. "Where did I go wrong? Did I smother him with too much affection? Too little? He can't be..." The spirit of chaos gasped. "He can't be growing up, can he? It's too early! Celestia, I'm not ready for this, I'm not!" Discord began to wail. "I'm not ready for the rebellious teenage phase! That's way too much chaos. That's right, I said it, way too much chaos there for me to handle!"
"...Solaris is seven."
"Next thing we know he'll be sneaking out at night, hanging out with the wrong crowd..." The Draconequus began to pace. With each step, he grew more and more frazzled. His voice shook as he spoke: "...getting into trouble, and not the good kind mind you, ignoring us and distancing himself from his family, refusing to eat dinner, starting a punk band that's doomed to fail, talking about..." He shuddered. "...dating."
"Discord dear, please, this is a new tablecloth." Celestia ushered the distraught Draconequus off the dining table and offered him his untouched glass of chocolate milk. "I fear the days when our child truly experiences puberty if this is your reaction. Don't worry, Solaris is still young and will be for several more years." She smiled and patted Discord's lion paw. "This isn't a phase, simply a bad day, yes, Solaris is just having a bad day."
"A-are you sure?" Discord whispered. "You sure he doesn't actually hate me?"
"I'm sure. How could anyone hate you?"
"Well..."
"Don't answer that." The princess's head turned toward the doors that had hidden the colt's path as they close behind him. "Talk to him," she said, blanketing the Draconequus's shoulder with her wing. "If you still have your doubts, talk to Solaris."
"What if he doesn't want to talk? What if I just make things worse? What if I say the wrong thing or I laugh at the wrong moment and he gets angry? What if I can't understand what's going on because it's a pony thing? What if-"
"You're beginning to sound like Twilight."
Discord turned white. "Please tell me I'm not turning purple."
"I'd say you'd look quite dashing in a light shade of purple," Celestia teased before her features grew stern once more. "But in all seriousness, you can't let your worries get between you and your son. You need to talk to Solaris and resolve all this drama, hopefully before the day ends entirely. Speaking of which..." The Alicorn withdrew from the embrace and peaked out the window. "It's almost time to lower the sun. I need to grab Luna, wherever she is."
"I...I just don't know if I can. I mean, this talking business is still new to me."
"Funny, I was under the assumption you had a monopoly in that area."
"Ha ha." Discord ran his claws through the hair between his mismatched horns. "Could you, I don't know, talk to him first? You know, so I have a little time to prepare, collect my thoughts, rehearse a bit, make a few flashcards, and-oh dear me, I am sounding like Twilight Sparkle."
Celestia tapped her chin thoughtfully, then nodded. "I suppose I could," she sighed. "But-"
Discord grabbed her and pulled the princess into a hug. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!"
"But only if you promise that you will be talking to Solaris in the end, and not, say, run off to Manehattan to escape or something of that nature."
"I..." Discord drew in a quick breath and let it out loudly. He laid a hand on his chest.
"I'd better not see any crossed fingers."
The Draconequus raised the other hand into full display.
"Tail."
The furry appendage joined its cousin in the air. "I promise I will speak to Diddy after you talk to him first. Should I grab my lawyer and get this all in writing as well?"
"No, this is good." The princess leaned forward and left a kiss on Discord's nose. "It will all be well in the end, you'll see."
"I really, really hope you're right about this." For the first time since the beginning of the meal, Discord's eyes met with Celestia's. The corners of his mouth lifted and this time the smile stuck. "Um, Celestia?"
"Yes dear?"
"Luna wanted me to tell you that she won't be joining us tonight for dinner. You know, just FYI."
The Princess of the Sun rolled her eyes. "Yes, I think I gathered that."