Author’s Note: This is my first attempt at any type of creative writing. The chapters following this one will be significantly longer. I’m not sure how frequently I’ll be able to write and post the chapters, but I hope to have a new one each 3-4 days. Thanks to Bronymaster for pre-reading and editing. Anyways I hope you enjoy.
Rage Against the Memes
Prologue: Just Dun’ Derped
As the sun set that one fateful afternoon, a grey pegasus hurried to her final stop, bouncing along the tops of the clouds, eager get home after a hard day of work. Canterlot Castle came into view and Derpy let out a sigh of relief. Today’s route had taken twice as long as the norm; she had stopped for directions four times and had gotten herself stuck in the straw roof of a house that she had crashed into on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest.
Her stomach rumbling, the mailmare thought to herself, "I wonder what Dinky would like for dinner tonight. Maybe a salad of fresh picked daisies and wild flowers, or maybe a bowl of vine pasta, or maybe even one or two muf…"she stopped suddenly, catching sight of a certain, rather appetizing-looking cloud formation.
Her brain starting churning (one could almost hear the cerebral groans). "No, i-it couldn’t be. Are those..?" With a wide grin, she realized where she had seen that shape before. Both her eyes locked onto the cloud as she began to drool, practically most of her body’s water supply leaving her mouth.
She turned her line of flight towards the cloud, and with a loud yell of “MUUUFFFIIINNNSS!!!!,” she charged, leaving a trail of bubbles as she nearly broke the sound barrier to get to the faux baked goods. She passed through the fluffy cloud and kept straight on going, unable to brake due to the condensation that had gathered on her wings. As she plummeted, the grey mare thought "I just don’t know what went wrong…," and pouted, musing on how she had ended up in this situation.
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Shears McBush had just three more days until retirement, until he didn’t have to spruce up the royal garden. Not that he hated the job; on the contrary it was his life’s calling. He had inherited the job from his father and him from his own. He had just gotten too old to keep up with the hours of care that the garden needed from him. Although slightly bitter, Shears had decided that a younger stallion from a different family would be better suited for the job.
"Besides," he thought with a smirk, "Celestia’s gotten bored with me, I know all her tricks. She doesn’t need a plaything that can predict her pranks like I can." he thought as he rubbed his flank remembering one particularly painful prank involving some stomach laxative and a snake.
Scowling at the memory, the clay-colored earth stallion picked up his trusty Sadl hedge clippers and set to work on his piece de resistance, a 100 hoof tall statue of the royal highness herself. ‘WHHOOMMPPHH.” He had just begun crafting the statue’s leafy do when he was knocked off the ladder by a grey streak that shot from the sky like a cannonball. Shears and the grey streak, which he had identified as a grey mare, catapulted through the air towards the Princesses’ garden statue gallery.
He braced himself for the crash, clutching the mare to his chest to shield her from the impact. As he zoomed towards one of the large 4 ton statues he thought with a sarcastic chuckle, “Well looks like retirement’s come a bit early…" His head smashed against the statue causing him, (and the marble monstrosity) to fall to the hard pavement, where he lay still.
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Derpy took the large tray of muffins from the oven and placed them on her kitchen’s countertop. She bent down, stuck her nose directly above the tray and sniffed, nearly collapsing from the mind-melting awesomeness that filled her nose. Her mind suddenly became filled with a single thought; “ME WANT MUFFINS!!" (or, as one could translate, ‘I would so enjoy partaking in the consumption of these absolutely delectable baked goods’). She hastily reached for one of said baked goods when her ear flicked towards the refrigerator. She paused for a second, stared at the fridge and turned back to her baked prey. She closed in on a particularly large one and shut her muzzle over it when…
All of a sudden, water burst from the sink as if the Hoofer Dam had just sprung a leak in her house. Derpy panicked as she began to drown from the sudden outburst of water. She watched wave after wave crashed down on top of her until she began to sink to the bottom of the floor, and lost consciousness…
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“bwahahahahahaha!”
“Huh? Who is that?” Derpy thought groggily, slowly waking up as if she had taken a peaceful nap.
“Bwahahahahahahahaha!!” The laughter got louder as she became more alert.
Derpy put her hoof against the floor for support as she tried to get up. She fell down due to a glass cup that was full of water, which was stuck on her right forehoof…
Derpy quickly looked down and noticed that she was lying in another slightly yellow liquid…
She realized the origin of the second liquid and quickly jumped back, turning as red as a tomato out of embarrassment.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
Turning around, she identified the source of the mocking laughter as a rather odd looking unicorn with a red brushed back mane, slightly tan coat and the largest lower jaw she’d ever seen. He had a cutie mark of a tightly drawn smile that revealed only a few teeth. The mysterious stallion noticed that mare was staring at him and quickly snapped his mouth shut. The two looked each other in the eyes for a while, crossed eyes staring down squinty eyes, until the stallion’s mouth slowly stretched into an insufferable grin that seemed to say “U Mad Brony?”
Derpy felt unbridled rage course through her body. She stood up and growled at the unicorn and screamed “T-that wa-wasn’t very n-nice!”
She scowled, “Blast this infernal stutter”
The unicorn looked at her scrunched up his face and replied, “Aww. I’m soooo sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” that sneer
returned “wall-eyes.”
“Wall-eyes!!!” Derpy screamed in her mind. “O-Oh yeah, yo-you’re just a… a big meanie, (nice one Derpy).”
“Idiot says ‘what’,” the unicorn quickly said.
“Huh?” Derpy replied
With that, silence permeated the garden and it seemed as if everything became still. The smile slid from the unicorn’s face and was replaced with a small frown. “And now I’m bored.” Derpy was surrounded by a tan glow and levitated over to the stallion. He forced her to peer into his eyes, his irises now replaced with red and white vortexes. Derpy’s eyes followed suit and the mare slumped, mouth agape and limp.
The stallion asked his captive, “Now my dear, would you be so kind as to tell me where I could find the holders of the elements of Harmony?” a grin, much larger and sinister than the previous one, formed on his lips.
“Yes, they all live in Ponyville, my hometown,” replied Derpy in a monotone voice.
“Really? Interesting…” The unicorn stroked his chin. He dropped Derpy, who landed back on the grass. Having snapped out of the trance, she got back up and charged the stallion. He simply stepped out of the way and stuck out his hoof, which Derpy tripped over and was sent flailing into the base of one of the statue, knocking her out.
“Sorry about that wall-eyes, but I’ve important business to do.” The stallion concentrated more magical energy into his horn and held it for a minute, preparing one of the more arcane spells he knew. He released the energy in five quick bursts, creating pulses of different colors and sizes. The pulses formed into small clouds of magic, each crackling with condensed magic.
The unicorn looked around and nodded, satisfied with his work, “Now you all have your instructions, so get out there and create some havoc,” his mouth took on the grin once more, dripping with malice.
The clouds floated off into the sky, leaving the tan stallion to his maniacal laughter.
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Later that evening
Twilight Sparkle had been tossing in her sleep. Dreams of her friends running away from her filled her mind. Spike sat by her bed and worried, having been woken up by the screams of the restless mare. He wondered if there was anything that he could do to help her relax. He looked around the room. As he did, from the window he noticed what looked like clouds of smoke float towards the town. He thought about what they could be for a second, then quickly refocused his attention on finding something that would help soothe his friend’s pain.
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Meanwhile
Across Ponyville five clouds entered the houses of the town’s most esteemed citizens, the holders of the elements of harmony. Shortly after a bright light flashed from inside the houses, and five dark forms fled from the homes, each of them the size of a pony, yet disfigured in some way.
To Be Continued
Next Chapter: Taste the Rainbow Pt. 1