With all the speed, grace and majesty of a noble Gazelle, Green Leaf tumbled out from under her rain tarp and into the cold mountain downpour. Moonlight shone through the pissing clouds, dimly lighting the place where seconds ago, an angry purple mare had been standing and shouting.
“Beeeeerry!” Green stopped on the same spot, calling over the storm around her. There was no answer. She ran further, blindly stomping across the sleek rocks as rain whipped at her face, drenching her from mane to tail.
“BERRY!”
Thinking back, running half-stoned into the night on a slippery mountain was not really a great idea. A bolt of lightning flashed in the distance, striking the far-off Saddle Lake and lighting up the edge of a cliff Green was seconds away from careening off of.
“Oh... Damn...” Green panted, screeching to a stop, “That... would have been... a really dumb way to die...”
She chuckled at her own mortality, then backed away from the drop and called out again. “BERRY, ARE YOU OUT THERE?”
Her reply came in the form of thunder-that-was-not-thunder.
“Oh... Double damn.” Green cursed, remembering a little too late that Berry’s yelling had attracted the monster in the first place. She’s... not the highest card in the deck. Though, there was a joint still tucked behind her ear just waiting to fix that. And she hadn’t smoked since before her fight with Berry...
Unfortunately for Green’s inner junkie, the pony-napping monster was also a total party pooper.
Before she had a chance to find her lighter, it slammed down on the ledge of the cliff, wrapped in dark, leathery wings. Green Leaf fell on her butt quickly evaded by jumping backwards, landing softly on her posterior. She squinted through the cloud-obscured moonlight as the creature spread its wings and roared again, rearing back its head on a long, scaly neck and shooting a column of fire straight up into the night sky.
Of course.
It was an actual fucking dragon.
The same fucking dragon, Green would later learn, that had been forced out of its home by six mares from Ponyville after it filled the sky with black smoke. It was not all that uncommon. Something similar had happened in Vanhoover once, though upon investigation, local law enforcement discovered there was no dragon. This was on an April 20th.
Vanhoover... is just the best city ever.
“Well, this is just fan-fucking-tastic....” Green snorted at the dragons feet. “This is my punishment for taking advantage and openly mocking Spike, isn’t it?” She turned to the moon, mentally pleading for forgiveness from the goddess it represented. FYI, unlike her sister, Princess Luna is totally cool. She can party aaaaaaaaaaaaall night, and does keg stands like they’re part of some grand ballet. Berry would like her.
“Yeah, karma’s a bitch...”
Berry!
Lightning flashed again, and Green spotted a patch of purple fur clutched in the dragons claws. It squirmed in the dragon’s grip, fixing Green with a set of angry purple eyes. “Hey, when you get eaten, be a dear and see if you can’t choke him on the way down.” Wow, at least she seemed to be keeping up a good spirit...
“You’re just a bottle of sunshine, ya know?” Green shot back... forgetting all about the hungry dragon looming over her.
Oooh right, shit.
The dragon lowered its spiked head and fixed Green in a death stare with slitted, yellow eyes. It opened its immense maw and roared full on in her face, displaying rows and rows of teeth sharp enough to turn ponies into half-ponies, then quarter ponies, and eventually pony-paste. Its breath smelled like a mix of rotting meat and rancid smoke. But there was also a hint of... crotch, actually. Do they clean themselves like dogs? That would be ... that would be awful.
Green took the full force of the roar, her blonde mane blowing back and staying that way. She should have been terrified, but the little fins on the side of the monster’s head were just too funny looking. Not as funny as Spike, but still.
Oh, and she totally didn’t pee just a little bit by accident.
“That was... loud.” Green Leaf stated matter-of-factly once the roar ended. A lot of shit had gone down in the last few minutes. She was just a little slow to catch up. Heh, story of her life.
“I hate you. So much.” Said the purple furball glaring through the dragons spiney fingers. “You should’ve been the one abducted, not me. I actually have a job that benefits society!”
Apparently the dragon had no time for chit-chat, ‘cause it attacked before Green could point out making wine so ponies could get shit-faced at parties ain’t exactly a noble profession. Especially if you drink half of what you make.
It puffed out a plume of rank, crotchy smoke that sent Green rolling backwards into a boulder. Hitting the rock with her back, she landed upside down and dazed. A quick check let her know the joint was still safe behind her ear and she sighed in relief. Priorities! Sure, a dragon was trying to kill her, but sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad. At least he'd only breathed smoke, not fire.
The dragon reared back again, drawing in another deep breath and puffing out its chest. An orange glow ignited under its yellow belly scales and worked up its neck...
Right, now it was gonna breath fire. Obvious really. Green probably should have been running already at this point, not gaping up like a moron. She always did learn things the hard way.
Green Leaf finally clued in as a wave of heat cut through the cold air. She flipped herself back onto her hooves and bolted, slipping on the slick rocks like a pony on ice skates made of banana peels. She’d barely put twenty feet between herself and the giant pony eater when a jet of fire soared over her head.
“Sweet tap-dancing Luna!” Green shouted, dropping to the ground (and briefly recalling one of the craziest nights in Canterlot ever!) as her flanks toasted under the searing heat and her tail hairs curled and split.
The second the fire stopped, Green made her escape, taking off in the direction she really, really hoped the relative safety of her camp was in. Behind her, the dragon took flight, still grasping Berry tight. It pursued with totally uncalled-for malice, blasting more fire in her direction.
“How fucking fair is this?!” Green cried as the flames coloured the night a bright orange, illuminating her small rain shelter just up ahead. Hooray for small victories! She dove under the waterproof tarp, wishing it was also fireproof, and waited.
As she huddled in the cold, damp lean-to, Green’s mind took this opportunity to remind her once again of that joint she had. Even now, with a dragon circling overhead, it was almost too tempting. Her body needed it, but she knew she’d be burned alive seconds after sparking up. It was a weird mixture of conflicting bodily urges, like being really hungry while also have to dump ass real bad.
Up above, the dragon continued to scan the plateau, occasionally spitting more flames at anything vaguely pony-shaped. The rain slowed to a trickle, and eventually the dragon decided one midnight snack was enough and flew off into the brilliant disc of the silver moon; with Berry Punch going along for the ride.To her credit, she didn’t even puke once. Giving the amount of booze in her gut, it’s pretty safe to assume her stomach is made of pure steel.
Green sprang back into the dwindling storm, calling out to the departing dragon’s backside. “Don't worry, I’m gonna save you Berry! I don’t know how, but I wil!”
“Great, I got nothing to worry about...” Her strained voice floated back from the mighty dragons clutches. Wow, even facing death by digestion, she was still the same sarcastic bitch. Gotta admire moxie of that caliber.
Green Leaf watched the black silhouette of the dragon dive out of the sphere of light in the sky with a final roar. Its shadow vanished into the night... into a black spot in the stars lined with the silver moonlight.
It was going to a mountain peak, hidden in the darkness!
“Oh! It must have a cave up there!” Green said out loud, the gears in her brain turning as the THC clogging them up worked its way out of her system. She was coming down! For a moment Green’s head was clear, as the sound of beating wings faded in the distance, carrying off her first, and ex, friend.
Green sighed, returning to the shelter of her tarp. Under it sat her saddle bags, filled with weed but devoid of any dragon-slaying equipment. Resting on top was the patchy map torn from Twilight’s book. Around the cuts she made, Green could make out a squiggly line indicating a river. Or maybe a big snake. The map kinda looked like it was drawn with crayon, to be honest.
“Who am I kidding, Berry was right,” she sighed again, “this is all my fault, and now she’s dragon food. Dammit, why am I such a fucking fuck-up!” She kicked her bag out into the dwindling storm. They had rushed into a situation neither of them were prepared for. And if that kind of recklessness had created the situation...
So clearly the only solution was more recklessness.
It was already settled; Green Leaf was going to help Berry Punch, even if she had to face a damn dragon to do it.
She collected her bags and repacked her would-be campsite quicker than it takes a knife fight in a phone booth to play itself out. Green tossed the bags onto her bruised back and galloped after the long-gone silhouette, making directly for the moon and the mountain peek hidden in the night sky. As she galloped, she couldn’t stop smiling. Sure, she could have been running to her death, but Green felt something that night she hadn’t in a very long time; a purpose.
And then her stupid curse kicked in.
A tiny bell buzzed around in the back of her noodle like a coked-up mosquito, reminding her that it had been a little too long since her last toke. It also reminded her with renewed urgency that a spliff was behind her ear just waiting to be inhaled.
Green faltered slightly, but kept running, making a mental note to smoke up the second she was sure doing so wouldn’t alert a hungry dragon of her approach.
And maybe, she wanted to prove a point.
“I’m not an addict, Berry. Fuck her and fuck this curse, I’m doing this not-high.”
Her choice made, Green Leaf spent the rest of night racing through the rain as the alarm bells got louder and louder. Before long her head was pounding; the little buzzing mosquito morphing into an angry woodpecker, chipping away at the inside of her skull, begging her to take just a little hit.
She resisted, focusing on not running off any cliffs and ignoring the rolled up paper hidden under her mane.
“Uuuugggh, this is shitty...”
Green was panting and sweaty when she finally reached the base of the dragon’s lair. It had been a very long run, but now all she had to do was climb up the undetermined distance to its cave. In the rain. At night. While sober.
Green didn’t even go grocery shopping sober!
“So.... shitty.”
Grumbling under her breath, she began to worm up the side of the freaking mountain to rescue somepony who didn’t even consider them to be friends. Talk about selfless! Berry didn’t know how lucky she was to have somepony risk life and limb to save her dumb ass.
“That is, assuming her dumb ass hasn’t been eaten yet...” Green admitted, pulling herself up the steep, rocky cliff.
Fun Fact! Did you know that dragons are fucking assholes?
‘Cause apparently, only caves at the absolute top of a fucking mountain spire are good enough for them to sleep on their gem piles, lick their nethers and shit in a corner. Maybe having wings just naturally makes you an ass-hat; that would explain pegasi, griffins and alicorns (‘cept Luna, of course. She’s still cool.)
The orange glow of morning was just starting to peek over the horizon when Green reached the damn thing. She pulled herself up using a patch of gnarly vines growing over the lip of the stinky hovel and rolled onto her back, gasping for air and trying not to pass out. Her headache was getting worse, taking the form of a mental rattle snake; nipping at loose nerve endings and constricting her brain stem while rattlin’ away.
It was the longest Green had gone without smoking weed in years, and she felt like removing her frontal lobe with a meat hook through her nose. And it was getting worse! She would have lit up right there on the floor of the cave, had an enormous red dragon not been sleeping on a pile of jewels thirty feet away.
Still, she considered it.
“Ooooooh, kay...” Green Leaf whispered in her best Fluttershy impersonation. No need to wake up the fire breathing monster... unless it had already eaten Berry! Then, she would have marched right up to it and... uhhh... tore off its silly head fins or... something.
Luckily (for the dragon, of course) it never came to that.
Behind the thing’s big red ass were a few cages made of white sticks.... that upon reflection, were probably bones. In either case, they were all empty save for one, which held a preoccupied Berry Punch. She was reaching through the bones (or sticks) with a foreleg, trying desperately to grab her beer-filled saddlebags sitting just a little too far away.
As relieved as Green was to see her alive, whole and undigested, she had to admit it was pretty funny. Choking back a laugh (that likely would have gotten her killed) Green carefully crept around the sleeping giant. With the skill of a ninja, she moved quieter than the time she (allegedly) broke into somepony’s house one night in Canterlot and (allegedly) stole their dead parents ashes.
What? She needed them to put in Blueblood’s oatmeal.
Plus, she was never convicted. And if the dearly departed ever met the 'Prince', they surely would have understood.
“Berry!” Green hissed once she was close enough. “It’s me!”
The caged earth pony cast the briefest of glances up at her saviour, only to go back to pawing at her bag. “Huh, what do you know.” She whispered, mostly to herself.
The uncaged mare snorted. “Don’t sound so surprised, I said I was gonna find you, and I did!”
“Yes, but I assumed you’d get distracted by something shiny.” Berry snapped back, still stretching pathetically for her bag. New theory; maybe she’s an alcohol-fueled robot? It would explain her steel stomach and utter lack of empathy... “And please keep quiet, I’d like at least one more drink before I become breakfast.”
Green glanced back at the sleeping beast, wondering absently if it ate metal. The snoring dragon ripped a loud, potent fart and rolled over on its gem pile. Such regal creatures...
“I think we’re good.” Green said, fanning a hoof in front of her scrunched up muzzle. “So come on, let’s get you out of there!”
Fighting back a gag, Berry stood and narrowed her eyes. “I hope you’re not counting on this rescue reviving our non-existent friendship, or something equally ridiculous.”
“Dammit, you really want to do this now?” Green asked as the curse-snake in her head tightened its figurative grip. Why did Berry have to be so damn stubborn? Maybe her programming was damaged...
Berry upturned her nose and looked away. “Well, the way I see it, this whole dragon mess is your fault anyway. Saving me brings us back to where we left off. Which, I should remind you, was me hating your guts.” Robot Theory was gaining potential.
Green could barely comprehend what was happening. This was the pony she was trying to rescue, at great personal risk? The one she wanted to be friends with? And to make matters worse, her curse intensified again. Now it felt like the snake had dissolved into wasabi, crackling and popping in her head. Green’s face tightened, and she snapped.
“You know what? Fine!” She hissed as loud as she dared. “Clearly I wasted my time coming all the way up here, cause I was trying to fix a mistake and help somepony I thought was worth helping, not some bitchy stick-in-the-mud who’s probably gonna give this dragon the screamin' shits for the next week!”
Berry was quick to return the hushed anger, “I make a point not to be friends with ponies dumb enough to get me killed on a Celestia-forsaken rock pile. Please go away now, lest your stupidity is contagious.” She turned away (a difficult maneuver in the small cage), then casually added over her shoulder, “...unless, you know, just for fun, you felt like kicking over my bags.”
A devious smirk crossed Green lips. “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Karma may be a bitch, but it works both ways! Despite her massive headache, Green’s smirk only grew as she sauntered over to the bags and reached inside. “You know what I’d like? Giving you a taste of your own medicine.”
Berry forced herself around, turning her top half first, followed by her bottom, her eyes wide and pleading. She’d never lower herself enough to actually beg out loud, but she really didn’t have to. The look on her face did it for her. “Damn it Greenie, come on... you wouldn’t do that to me, right? To your friend?” She even had the nerve to smile sheepishly and bat her eyelashes
[ERROR: Pity.exe has failed to boot]
“Nice try, but that ship has sailed.” Green laughed, finding the aluminum prize and pulling an extra-heavy beer from the bag. “You know, I may not be much of a drinker, and this stuff does taste like liquid garbage, but for some reason, I am feeling preeeetty thirsty all of a sudden.”
Green sat back, placing a hoof on the can’s tab. Berry sprung forward in her prison, gripping the bars with one hoof and stretching the other as far as she could.
“You wouldn’t.”
Checkmate, mother fucker. “Wouldn’t I?”
Berry licked her lips hungrily, then slowly shook her head. “Nnnnnoo, I mean you really shouldn’t; you’ll-”
“What, lose you as a friend?” Green whisper-shouted, holding onto the tab like it was the pin in a grenade. “Good riddance! Maybe, I don’t wanna be friends with someone who... who has such ugly furniture! I’ve passed out in alleyways with nicer motifs than your living room!”
Berry scowled, her face contorting with anger as a fire lit up behind her eyes. Then, as quickly as it ignited, it went out again, and Berry smirked right back. “Okay then, you got me. Drink up. Crack that sucker open and slam it back, that’ll really get my goat.”
Normally, Green would never fall for such an obvious ploy... though there was this one time she sold her wagon to some self-important blue unicorn for some magic beans... which had turned out to be painted rabbit turds. At least that’s what they tasted like. Green got the last laugh on that one though; the wheels on that wagon were one pothole away from falling apart!
Unfortunately, as strained as her mind currently was, Green didn’t notice Berry’s quick change in demeanor and did exactly what she wanted.
“You just watch me!” Green sneered, pulling back on the tab.
Chiiiik.
The noise echoed off the cave walls, and Green’s smile evaporated. Her heart skipped a beat; the deep snoring coming from behind her had gone silent, replaced by a low growling.
“I’m so glad you’re an idiot.” Berry said.
Green didn’t bother arguing with that. Slowly turning her head, she met the gold, slitted eyes of the awoken dragon, staring at her from atop his mound of gold. He looked very pissed off.
“Fuck-dammit Berry, now we’re both gonna die!” She cried, abandoning the whisper and glaring at the purple mare.
“My only regret, is that I can only get you killed once.” Berry replied without missing a beat. “Are you gonna drink that beer?”
Before Green could answer, the dragon shifted, recalling her attention. She turned back to find those golden eyes hanging above her, staring down with insatiable hunger.
“Uhhh, thirsty?” She tried, offering up the beer and hoping the awful taste might spoil its appetite.
Apparently dragons are smarter than they look.
It snarled and blew a cloud of thick black smoke down on the green mare. Her vision went dark, and the small part of her brain that didn’t feel like it was on fire screamed at her to duck. She didn’t tough, likely because most of her brain felt like it was on fire.
A heavy, scaled appendage slammed into Green’s side, sending her sprawling to the ground. She could hear the dragon thrashing around trying to find her. Also beer had spilt all over her, and she now smelt as bad as it did.
Just great.
As quietly as she could, Green limped through the smoke looking for its edge, still clutching the open can. Something splintered behind her. Berry’s cage! The dragon smushed her! Green gasped, choking on the sickly smoke in a way that was frankly below somepony with lungs of iron.
She tried to smother the cough, but it was too late. The dragon struck her again, and suddenly everything was bright. Then she landed, and everything hurt.
“Fuck! Uuugh, why do rocks hurt so much?” She groaned, opening her tired eyes- and immediately regretting it. Her head and forelegs hung limply over the edge of the cave, giving her a vertigo-inducing view of the drop she’d been inches away from experiencing first hand. Ever so carefully, she lifted herself back into the safety of the dragon’s cave.
Inside, the red and yellow monster was still searching for her in the smoke cloud. It stood tall and used its wings to clear the smoke away, just as Twilight had done. Do tyrannical minds think alike? Apparently so. As the smoke scattered and thinned, Green noticed all the cages had been smashed to bits, but there was no sign of any squished pony.
Chiiiik.
Of course. Berry was fine, lying on the floor at her bag, a beer raised to her lips. And an enraged dragon looming over her. It lifted a fist, ready to turn her into a purple pancake. Maybe he'd even burn one side.
Green shook the gruesome image out of her head. “Berry, watch out!” She shouted, much to her own confusion.
Why was she still trying to rescue the fucker who just tricked her into waking a sleeping dragon? They would likely never be friends again, and Green Leaf knew it... but that didn’t matter like it should have. This wasn’t about their argument, or placing blame. It was about fixing her mistake. Wow, being sober isn’t so bad after all.
Berry, finishing her gross, ass-beer, craned her neck upwards at the giant monster. “I’ll be with you in a sec. Just let me polish off these last few.”
Judging by the way it growled and licked its lips with a forked tongue, the dragon wasn’t inclined to wait for breakfast just ‘cause it asked him too.
“Hey! Over here you rock eating, knob jockey!” Green shouted from the cave entrance, placing her hooves around her muzzle and finding a half-empty can still wrapped tightly in her hoof. Why’d she still have it? It wasn’t like she was gonna drink it...
The dragon looked away from his easy prey, and was pegged in the face by a well aimed metal can. Judging distance and power accurately; another plus of sobriety!
It’s a shame beer cans don’t explode on impact, ‘cause the dragon recovered quickly and its angry, golden eyes were now focused solely on Green. It spread its wings, and with a mighty roar, barreled forward.
It was at this point that Green realized she was, in fact, an idiot. She'd quite skillfully placed herself between a rock and a hard place, though in this case, the role of ‘rock’ was played by falling to death and the ‘hard place’ was a fucking dragon. Places don’t get much harder than that.
Once again cursing all things winged, Green went with the lesser evil of the two. She grabbed hold of the scant vines hanging over the edge and jumped as the dragon’s jaws snapped closed right behind her. Green held tight as she swung, slamming into the side of the mountain as the dragon soared out overhead into the crisp morning air.
Green tried not to look down while the dragon flew off into the picturesque mountainscape, letting out a pre-emptive sigh of relief.
“Hey, how’s it hanging?” Berry asked, peering over the edge with a fresh beer.
“Very funny.” Green replied as she tried to pull herself back in. “Care to help me out here? I did just save you stupid life.”
For a moment, Berry considered being helpful, swirling the thick liquid in her hoof. “Well, I would help you up, but I am preeeeetty thirsty all of a sudden.”
Son of a- Okay, I guess Green kinda deserved that one. Messing with somepony who's about to die is not cool. It’s fun, especially if they deserve it, but it’s still wrong.
“Look, I’m sorry I said that,” Green began, figuring if she was going to start apologizing now, she may as well get it all out before losing her grip and plummeting to her death. “And about the map too, and everything. I’ve met a lot of ponies, and most of them are turds. You’re not a turd, well, you are sometimes, but like, in a good way. You know what I mean!”
Berry made no reply. Instead of accepting and helping Green up like a normal pony would, she looked out into the distance, squinting in the orange light of sunrise.
“He’s coming back.”
“He’s... w-what?” Green stammered, following Berry’s gaze. Sure enough, the red menace had wheeled around and was flying back... right at her.
“Crap, I’m gonna die.”
Dragons are assholes, but they are really fast assholes. With two beats of its huge wings, it was on top of her, slamming into the cliff and grabbing hold with long, sharp claws. Green was pinned under his heaving chest. It was the closest she’d ever been to a dragon (Spike doesn’t count on the grounds that he’s more pussy than dragon.) The stink of it was strong enough to taste.
He looked down at his trapped meal, snarling with each breath.
“Heeey, Mister dragon... Look, I’m sorry I invaded your cave and all, b-but I think we should just, you know, put that all behind us. Whaddya say?” Green whimpered.
The dragon’s stomach growled. So much for diplomacy.
“Berry, for the love of ethanol, please help me!”
If Berry made any movement, it was lost to Green; her eyes refused to look away from the grimm reaper towering over her. He raised a claw and, with a smug smirk, slowly ran it across the vines that made his doormat. One by one they fell away, floating down into the abyss below.
Well, guess I’m fucked then. Green decided this would be a good final thought, when another struck her. She was essentially still between a rock and a hard place. Only the rock was much shittier now.
Just as the dragon was about to cut her vine, Green let go, falling down the side of the mountain... and wrapping all four legs around the dragons hanging tail.
“Holy shit, I’m not dead!” Green gasped, just as surprised as the dragon. It instinctually shook itself, but Green wasn’t letting go that easily. The dragon spread his wings for leverage and dipped his head low on his long neck, placing it right next to Berry.
She’d been standing there watching, drinking a beer and awaiting Green’s death. What a saint.
Relenting to Green’s bitchin' rodeo skills, the dragon switched to a more direct route and lifted its tail, preparing to use the cliff face to turn the dangling pothead into a bloody smear.
“Berry, please!” Green cried in a last ditch effort to stay alive.
It’s not like she could even do anything at this point; Berry was already half in-the-bag and her beer can was freshly emptied. Her cheeks, however, were full.
And no, not those cheeks. What kind of story would this be if it ended with a pony shitting all over a dragon?
...Actually, don’t answer that. There might be more of these.
In an almost unfathomable act for the die-hard boozer, Berry spat the beer in her mouth right into the stooping dragon’s eyes. It yowled in animalistic pain and lost its grip on the mountain peak. Green could only yell with it as she went along for the ride, holding on for dear life as the dragon fell backwards onto its outstretched wings.
“Holy fucking ass-bandit fisting Sombra with a crystal hoof!”
The ground drew closer and closer, before the dragon leveled out and soared over the sparse landscape. Green Leaf was fucking flying! And it was fucking terrifying! Those dickhead pegasi can take their stupid wings and shove them up their tail holes!
Now that being dashed on the rocks below was no longer imminent, the dragon pulled up into a hover to rub the foul substance from its irritated eyes. That beer was strong enough to temporarily blind a dragon. And Berry was pounding it back like tap water. That defies logic on an almost Pinkie Pie level of insanity.
Actually, no. It doesn’t even come close.
Green held fast, but she was already starting to slip. Hooves, while great for running, are kinda useless when it comes to gripping stuff. The dragon must have felt the movement, ‘cause it stopped rubbing and looked back with inflamed eyes.
“Uhhh, heya. You can, just set me down wherever.” Green said casually. “Actually, have you seen any magical fountains up here?” She added hopefully. What the hell, couldn’t hurt to ask, right?
If it had looked pissed off before, the dragon was completely furious now. It snarled, showing off its pointy, white, pony-killing teeth.
“Sooooo, you haven’t seen it?”
Apparently it did hurt to ask, ‘cause the dragon went back to whipping his red tail like it was on fire. Green couldn’t help but think the rescue of Berry could be going better.
“Oh sure, I’ll just take on a dragon! It’ll be a snap, I said.” Green cursed as she slid further down the scaly tail. And what do ya fucking know; this dragon didn’t have a cute little tail-barb like Spike’s. Figures.
Green’s hind legs lost their grip, waving freely over the distant ground below. She wrapped her forelegs tighter and looked down at the drop that would kill her. Green had a nice choice of landing spots; flat rocks would make a good splat. Or, there were some sharp ones if she wanted to make a really big mess. Or there was... a river? How’d she miss that? Bonus, it was a far fall, but not that far, she might even survive long enough to drown.
“Looks like we got a winner!”
Closing her eyes tight and sending off a quick prayer to any merciful gods that may have been listening, Green let go. The stoner dropped like a stone, screaming her head off as she sped towards the surging water. Her aim was good! She was going to make it!
Then, a roar from above said otherwise.
The dragon was diving with its wings tucked and its mouth open. And it was gaining on her!
“Dammit, why can’t this dragon be a pussy like Spike?” Green Leaf lamented over the rushing air. “He couldn’t even handle a single bowl....”
And that’s when Green was hit with an idea so hard her brains almost shot out her ears. Weed was the answer! Spike had said himself, dragons aren’t known for their high tolerance, and if a single bowl was too much for him, then half a saddlebag should be enough for this joker.
Probably.
Maybe.
Hopefully...
Much to the displeasure of the alarms going off in her head (now taking the form of some sort of raging, flying, monster... thing,) Green opened her left pouch, sending its contents straight up. Her massive bag of weed went with them, flying into the dragon’s open mouth.
Feeling what he must have assumed was brunch hit his tongue, the dragon clamped down on the bag and swallowed.
“Yes!” Green cried victoriously as it pulled away.
Then she hit the water.
An ear-splitting slap echoed across the entire mountain range. It was heard miles away in Ponyville, resounding through the streets much to the confusion of all who were awake to hear it.
Flailing desperately in the rushing water, Green popped out of the stream and gasped for breath. Her whole body ached from the combination skydive/bellyflop, but none of her legs were broken and, more importantly, she was alive! Struggling to keep her aching head above the current, she slowly paddled her way to shore.
“huh...Perfect...huh...” Green gasped as she dragged her exhausted, half-dead self onto the large rocks lining the stream, “Now...uuuuggghh... I just need to get him to breath fire and I'll be home fre- OH SHIT!”
It was coming back again! Tartarus hath no fury like a dragon pissed off.
With only minor hesitation and several swears, Green threw herself back into the coursing river she’d just crawled out of, an instant before orange flames torched the bare shoreline. The cold water around her heated up as the surface turned to steam in the extreme heat, cooling again as she floated away.
Green resurfaced downstream, when she could hold her breath no longer. “I. Hate. Mountains.” She huffed, paddling back to shore. Her whole body ached, and her head was pounding like it was a drum in the hands of an autistic kid. Utterly exhausted, she plopped down on a suddenly very inviting rock, content to lay down, pass out, or die. Whichever came first, really.
Close by, a heavy thud broke through the enclosing fog of fatigue. Using her last reserves of strength, Green cracked an eyelid and was shocked to see the dragon, sitting nearby on the scorched shore. There was no way Green was moving anywhere fast, but thankfully, she was no longer the focus of the his attention.
Sitting on his haunches, he was noticeably swaying and staring at his hands. He giggled the most terrifying giggle ever giggled, and slowly brought his hands to caress his long face. “Woah, my skin is really... baaaad.”
It might have been the crippling pain, or the growing delirium, but Green Leaf found herself laughing out loud. Fucking dragons! All big and bad and shit on the outside, but at their core, they’re friggin’ lightweights!
“Dude... all you need is a bit of moisturizer.” Green wheezed at the baked beast. The good thing about lightweights is that they’re super easy to screw with. “I’m telling you, you could have great skin.”
The dragon blinked his puffy eyes, now almost as red as his scales, though that may have been the beer dissolving his iris’ as much as the drugs. “You really mean it, talking green rock?” He asked, staring down at the wet pony he’d been trying to eat two minutes ago.
“Totally! I know a great dermatology place in Canterlot. It’s on the main street, right by the castle.”
“Durrma... what?” It asked, his stare glossing over and falling on his own tail. He flicked it, giggling again.
She was losing him, Green needed something to sweeten the deal. “There’s a pizza place right next to it.”
That got his attention. “Woooah, pizza! That would go great with the pony I have in my cave!”
And with that, the dragon spread his wings and shakily took to the skies, his forked tongue lolling out the side of a stupid grin. His unnerving giggles followed him as he flew East into the mid-morning sun. He really wasn’t a bad dragon. He just made a bad decision.
By choosing to fuck with Green Leaf!
Green shuddered, suddenly very cold. Her body shook and convulsed and her eyes felt like they’d pop out of her skull any moment. As she finally gave in and passed out, she managed to quietly mutter, “Dude. Canterlot... is West.”
“So, how’s the cold turkey treating ya?”
A snarky voice cut through the darkness.
“B-berry?”
Green whimpered feebly as consciousness returned to her. Along with the feeling of severe pain. She cracked open her eyes, finding herself sprawled out by the mountain river. Further back, standing on a rock above and looking just a little too smug, was the purple mare herself.
“The very same.” she said with a flourish.
“You- you spat out beer to save my life! And here I thought you were actually serious about us not being friends.”
“Whatever do you mean?” Berry replied with mock confusion. “I was gagging on the dragon’s crotchy breath. Didn't you smell it? Absolutely putrid.”
Green smiled through the pain as she attempted to rise, or move at all. “It’s good to see you too. Thanks for doing that for me, friend.” She said, maybe a little pre-emptively. Were they friends again? Was that even a possibility? Green fell back onto her bruised stomach, succumbing to another wave of convulsions. “Seriously though, I think I’m dying.”
Berry rolled her eyes and waved a hoof. “Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.”
“I- I’m cursed, remember! This is what happens when I don’t smoke, and it’s only getting wah-worse!” A fresh wave of pain punctuated the statement, as millions of tiny pickaxes took to her temporal lobe. Why didn't she go with those sharp rocks? Stupid river...
“Right, your ‘curse’. How silly of me to forget.”
“Still don’t believe me? You think I’m f-f-faking this shit?” Green rasped, holding up her trembling hooves for emphasis.
“Well, there is such a thing as withdrawal, you know. And chemical dependency?” Berry countered, climbing unsteadily down the slick rocks. “I’m sure you think it’s real, so... That’s gotta count for something, right?”
“I d-didn’t get pot leaves on my flank from smoking pot as a filly, you know. Doesn't work that way, believe me, I tried it in town the other day.” Green hissed, grinding her teeth as Berry approached. “Don’t get too close, my head it tearing itself apart from the inside out. Things may get... unpleasant.”
“You can barely stand...” Berry stopped, opting to stay back anyway. She sat a few rocks away, watching the green mare slowly lose her mind. The look on her face, it was almost... concerned. “How did you get your cutie mark then?”
“What, seriously? You want to know?” Green asked, earning a noncommittal shrug from Berry. It really is easy to tell when she fakes not-caring. “Awwww, I guess that would make us.... friends?”
“I wouldn’t go that far. At the very least it will keep you occupied until you snap out of... out of whatever you think is wrong with you.”
Green laughed, which became a hacking cough. “Sure thing, friend."
With strenuous effort, she rolled onto her side and began the tale. "So, when I was a k-kid, my Dad was a gardener. I used to help him plant st-stuff sometimes. We moved around a lot back then. Mom's work, transferred her around so much. Huh-he was always having to sss-start over. We’d go somewhere new, he’d spend weeks making our garden amazing, then we’d move again ‘cause Mom said so. They... started fuh-fighting-” She paused to cough some more, hacking a thick wad of lung butter onto the rocks around her. This wasn’t a story she really like to tell, but if it got Berry to re-friend her, it would be worth the unpleasant trip down memory lane.
Despite her attempts at aloofness, the other pony was listening intently. Once her fit passed, Green continued. “S-s-so, one time we move, and Dad doesn’t come with us. I don’t know where he went, but Mom wouldn’t let me see him anymore. He’s still out there somewhere, p-probably..."
“Is... that why you travel around so much?” Berry asked.
Green nodded. “Pretty much. I also tend to get booted out of most places I go.”
“I can’t imagine why.” Quipped Berry. It was nice that things were back to normal between them.
“Anyway, this new house had another empty g-garden, so I tried to plant something by myself. It just didn't, didn't feel right not to have one, ya kn-know? I found some tools and seeds from whoever lived in the house before and did everything I did with Dad, but I was impatient. I over-watered and all the plants d-died. I asked Mom to get more seeds for me, but she basically told me to forget about gardening. We had ‘new lives’ now, and we had to mm-m-move on.”
Berry snorted. “She sounds like a bitch. I can see why you left.”
Green shakily nodded again, but stopped when the action set of an explosion in her head. “Uuuugh, fuck me... B-but yeah. I was totally crushed, but I did as I was told, packing away the tools in the shed I’d found them in. That’s when I found them; in a little baggie stashed behind the toolb-box. More seeds! So, I planted them and made sure to tend to them properly.”
“Let me guess, they were marijuana seeds?”
“I’m sorry, I thought I was the one telling the damn story!” Green snapped, taking a moment to calm down again. “That was the curse talking, my bad. But y-y-yes, it turned out to be we-weed. The plant grew, I got my cutie mark.”
Berry waved off the apology. “Your mother must have been thrilled.”
“Oh, she was almost as bad as that dragon! Not that I c-cared, I did my Dad proud and finally got something to grow, and there was n-n-no way I was letting her take that from me! It wasn’t till I got a bit older that I learned what weed even was, and it wasn’t long after that when I got cursed.” Still shaking, Green glanced back at the matching leaves on her flank. “Weed has a sp-special meaning to me, beyond just getting high. It reminds me of Dad, like I'm following in his hoofsteps or something. It makes me happ-py, and it makes others happy too. It’s just...”
Green paused again, organizing her thoughts was becoming difficult. “It's just this curse. This FUCKING curse. It took away the m-meaning, making sure all ponies see is some loser pothead. This isn’t who I am! I hate this curse! FUCKING HATE IT!” She shouted, drowning out the bubbling stream next to her. Cringing, she held her aching head in her hooves in a pointless effort to make the infernal drumming stop.
Berry sat on her rock in silence, absorbing the tall tale. Green wasn’t sure if the other mare believed her or not, but at this point, she could barely tell where she was.
“What if I said I kind of know where that Fountain is?”
Green snapped opened an eye and glared. “...Wh-wha-what do you mean?”
“I... have a hunch.” Berry replied, scratching the back of her neck. “I didn’t say anything earlier because, well, I may have been mad at you still. I kinda wanted to rip out your tongue and make you watch me lick toilets with it.”
“Oooookay. I forgive you, ya psycho, just t-tell me what you know RIGHT NOW!” Green begged desperately, rolling onto her back and groaning.
“Well, before you turned our map into swiss cheese, I got a good look at it. You don’t still have it do you?”
“Nope. Dragon a-ate it. Keep talking.”
“Right. Well, I looked it over and noticed the fountain seemed to be located at the mouth of a cave, a cave that a little waterfall pours out of.”
Green vaguely remembered seeing a giant snake on the map, but no waterfalls. “Really? S-so, so FUCKING WHAT?!”
Berry stomped. “So what? Did you even look at the map when you cut it to ribbons?”
“J-just get to the point already, you’re literally KILLING me here..”
“The waterfall pours into a river! How many other rivers did you see while you were off playing with that dragon, hmm?”
At least Green didn’t have to worry about giant snakes. “...And, when did you figure this out?”
“Pretty much the second I got down here.” Berry admitted. If she had the strength, Green might have tried to choke her. “ I’m... sorry too, I guess. You did rescue me and all. And I’m really trying not to enjoy how much you are suffering right now.”
“Then w-why are you giggling!”
Berry shrugged, still chuckling to herself. “I might still be a little mad. I was abducted by a dragon because of you.”
“Well congratu-fucking-lations,” with a pained grunt, Green sat herself up, ”now you get to carry my ass all the way up stream.”
That wiped the smile right the fuck off her face. “No way! You’re far too heavy.”
“You carried all that beer around, you can carry me. And stay the fuck away from my tongue!”
“Ugh, I’m not gonna make it.” Green whined over the roaring waterfall, “You were too slow, you slow, lazy, fat-ASS.” It had been a long journey, and she was getting less agreeable with every passing moment.
“You’re the fat-ass!” Berry groaned, carrying the dead weight hanging limply over her back on top of two sets of saddlebags. “When’s the last time you ate something that didn’t come out of a microwave?” With a final grunt, she took the last step up the rocky incline and into the cave.
They had followed the stream into a winding valley, that eventually lead to a hidden cavern, tucked away behind several boulders. The inside was actually quite beautiful, for a dingy hole in the side of a mountain. A shallow pool of water on the ground painted the smooth rock ceiling with dancing lights, before tumbling down into the valley below.
“Shut your... st-stupid face-hole.” Green grumbled back, ignoring the gorgeous surroundings. “Fucking caves...”
“Lighten up, lard-ass, there’s you stupid quick-fix fountain.” Berry said, pointing to the back of the cavern.
There, sitting on a pedestal sticking out of the river water, was an ornate, two-tiered stone fountain. Water spilled over the topmost bowl, down to the second and finally, into its wide, grey basin. The thing looked ancient, but there wasn’t a single crack in its carved stone.
“GIMME!" Green’s eyes went crazy wide as she flopped ungracefully off Berry’s back and into the water. “GIMME GIMME GIMME!” She continued to cry, galloping unevenly towards the stone fountain.
“Oh sure, now you can walk just fine...” Berry said, cracking her back and trotting after the crazed green mare.
Green was hardly listening. She dipped her pounding head into the cool water, resisting the urge to plunge her whole face into it. All she needed was one sip, according to the rhyme, so one sip she took.
Cool, refreshing water dripped down her throat, then....
Nothing.
“It... tastes like water...” Green said after swallowing a mouthful. She drank another, just to be sure.
Yep, still water.
“I don’t wanna say I told you so... but I guess I kind of just did.” Berry said with only a hint of smugness, reaching the fountain behind Green.
“Fucking, shut up for a second, will ya?” Green scowled, still tasting the liquid in her mouth. It tasted like water... but there was something off about it. Maybe something had pissed in it.
“No need to be so dramatic, Greenie. I’m sorry things didn’t work out but a simple, ‘you were right’ will suffice.”
Green held her hooves in front of her. They weren’t shaking anymore.
“Berry, the bells are gone.”
“What bells?” asked Berry, raising an eyebrow.
“The ones inside my head!” Green answered, turning to her friend with barely contained excitement. “I’m... completely fine.”
“You’re... fine?”
“I FUCKIN’ FINE!” Green shouted with joy, unable to restrain herself. “It worked! The curse is gone! I’m- I’m cured!” Laughing like a maniac, she jumped away from the magic fountain and splashing around it with glee. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off her mind. Her body still ached all over, but the demons tormenting the inside of her skull had vanished, just as the book had promised!
“There's no way, I- I don’t believe it.” deadpanned Berry. She looked completely floored, swapping glances at the fountain and the dancing pony who’d been too sick to stand not a minute ago.
“Doesn’t matter what you believe, cause I am stone cold sober and it's never felt better!” Green sang happily. “Those fairy’s can go fuck themselves with q-tips!”
“But... but it was a foal’s story!”
Green stopped dancing and rolled her eyes at her skeptical friend. “Hey, 'The Mare In The Moon' was a foal’s story too. Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. Or in this case, it’s just as strange.” Returning to the fountain, she took a second to study its undamaged surface. “Let me tell you, I’ve seen some shit in my time, but this is my first magic fountain! Neat-o.”
Berry ran a hoof across the smooth stone surface of the fountain. “I’d say you’re taking this senselessness well, but that seems to be your specialty.”
“You need to learn how to go with the flow, is all.” Green smiled wider than she had in years. She was cured! Now she could live in Ponyville and make friends and everything! The magical water from the heart of the Foal Mountains made her dreams come true, but if it worked for her...“Oh hey, why don’t you take a drink? Now that you know the fountain works, what’s stopping you?”
Berry’s expression did not match the energy of Green’s. She sighed and looked back at the grapes and strawberry on her flanks. “No, I don’t think I will.”.
“What? Why not!”
Looking back, Berry half shrugged. “Drinking... is a part of who I am. It didn’t help me get my cutie mark, but I don’t know who I’d be if I gave it up. What if I’m just this mean, bitchy shut-in who can never unwind? I don’t want to give up part of myself, especially with some enchanted mountain runoff. I’ll bet it’s cancerous.”
“Right, wouldn’t want to risk your health, little miss cirrhosis.” Green joked, though she did sorta understand. She'd used the fountain to restore her sense of identity. If Berry used it, she’d be altering her personality. “Also, you’re already a bitchy shut-in.” Green added.
“Something like that.” Berry said, splashing water at Green, “So, shall we head back to town, friend? I think I know of a little house up for sale, and it’s far enough away from me that I can ignore you when I want to.”
“Ha! Good luck. I’m kinda hard to ignore.” Green replied, her smile broadening at being called Berry’s friend.
“I’ve noticed. Though this outta help me,” Berry reached back into her bag, which was somehow still stocked with awful beer. What she pulled out, however, was not alcoholic dragon-repellant, but a rolled paper spliff. “Oh yeah, I found this when I left the dragon’s cave. I was going to toss it off the mountain once I found you. You know, as torture. Guess that won’t work now.”
“My joint! I must’ve dropped it while I was running for my life.” Green said, taking the banged-up doobie and her saddlebags from Berry. “For a minute there I was worried about walking all the way back to Ponyville without getting high,” she laughed, popping it in her mouth much to Berry’s confusion.
“...I thought you said you were cured.”
Green nodded. “Yeah, from the curse. I don’t need to smoke pot anymore. Doesn’t mean I still don’t want to.”
Berry looked... broken. Like her brain just couldn't process the information presented to it. She was most likely not a robot, but Green’s antics had shut down the boozer’s think-box regardless, and it was taking a moment to restart.
“What? Maybe I don’t want to give up part of who I am either,” Green said, hoping to speed the process. “I’m free from the curse, but my cutie mark is still pot leaves. I’ll want to light up every so often. Or if I have a shitty day.” Digging into her right pouch, Green found her lighter. “Or if I get really bored.”
Berry blinked. That was a good sign. “So... this whole trip. Both of us, almost dying...”
“Was totally worth it! For the first time in a long time, I feel in control of my life. And I think that calls for a celebratory toke!”
Green brought the little flame to her lips and lit the joint; pulling in the sweet blue smoke. It was the sweetest toke she’d taken in years, untainted by any outside influences. It was just her, and the joint. Green thought of her Dad and smiled as the drug did its job. Maybe if she settled down in Ponyville, he would find her one day.
Green trotted to the lip of the cavern and took in the amazing view as she puffed away. Back at the fountain, Berry’s mind came back online and she splashed up behind her.
“Greenie.” She said quietly.
“Mmhmm?” The high pony replied.
“You should probably step away from the waterfall there.”
Green looked down at the short fall into the surging river, then back at the other mare. “Why?”
“Cause I am seriously considering shoving you off it.”
“...I’ll consider the warning a sign of our friendship.” Green laughed, stepping away and locking Berry in a wet hug. “Now let’s blow this popsicle stand and get home!”
Green released the shellshocked drunk and stepped back to the ledge, looking for a way down. She heard movement behind her and found Berry standing a little too close.
“I wasn’t joking...”
“And thasht the story of how the stoner, became not a shtoner, who is still a stoner. Yippeee.”
“Huh yep, that’s the story of how I came to live in this backwater paradise.”
“But... I’m confushed. Who were you telling it to?”
“I was... uhh. I don’t remember. I told Pinkie I wanted my spread my adventure or whatever, and she did some...thing, told me to talk away, and then she left. You think it worked?”
“I think... I think this party got lame. Everypony ish gone, and I’m good and shit-fhased. Whaddya say, feel like helping me stumble home?”
“ Uuuuh, Berry? Isn't this- we're in your house.”
“Oh. Cool, so I can just pass out anywhere. And I don’t have to feel bad about puking in that plant.”
“You’re a classy lady.”
“Damn shkippy. And what about you? Think you’ll actually stick around this shit-hole town?”
“I kinda have to, you’d miss me if I left.”
“I’d miss you like the rash on my butt.”
“I still think you should get that looked at.”
“What about the thing with the thing? And the thing were you did the other thing...”
“Uhhhh, I’m guessing you mean the whole Cutie Mark Crusader and Twilight's library things?”
“Yuss, I didn’t know you spoke drunk.”
“I speak stoned, it’s derived from drunk.”
“Whatever. You shuldn’t drink and derive, you know. But like, everything is cool now?”
“Weeeell, more or less. Like, I did say I’m sorry to Applejack, Rarity and Twilight. I even joined the search party to find Scootaloo. She-pffff- she’d been living in a chicken coop for like, a whole week!”
“Like that filly needed more emotional damage.”
“Hey, if I can get my shit together, I’m sure she’ll be okay.”
“Unless she develops schizo- shitzo- oh fuck it, I’m going to bed. You crashing here?”
“Naw, I’ll head home. I start working at Rose’s shop tomorrow so I want to be presentable.”
“You? Presentable?”
“Shut up, I clean up well.”
“Sure you do. I guess I’m surprised you’re so enthusi-ashtatic about it.”
“Well, I’ve always enjoyed growing pot... You can’t smoke roses, but they do make for great snacks. Plus it’s kinda like getting back to my roots, if ya know what I mean.”
“...I’m too drunk to make fun of your crappy puns. That means it’s bedtime.”
“Right, it’s late. I should go. See you after work?”
“Shhure, just... I’m also too drunk to... stairs. Help me up to my room?”
“Oooooh fine. But only ‘cause we’re friends.”
“Yeah, right frinds. Oh, and remind me tomorrow, cashe i’ll forget. I... owe you twenty bits.”
“...Cloudchaser?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
