The bright, pixellated anime sun rose over the land of Japan-With-White-People as the crow of a Spearow awoke Ash Ketchum.
Ah,” he said, standing up and stretching out his arms, “What a beautiful day for catching Pokémon.”
“Pika, pika!” his Pikachu agreed.
“What a great day to go get some hot bitches,” said Brock, the gym leader of rock. “Who wants to eat some scrambled Exeggcute?”
“Me!” said Ash.
“Now, Ash,” said Misty, “You don’t want to eat exeggcute if it isn’t free range and low-carb, or you’ll be fat and engaging in Pokécruelty.”
“Hey, who died and made you queen?” he said, getting so angry at Misty’s eco bullshit that his large anime mouth swelled to half the size of his face while he talked.
“You still haven’t given me my bike back!” she said. “How am I supposed to save the environment if I don’t have my bike and I have to take a cab?”
“Guys, guys, calm down,” said Brock. “Smoke a doobie with me or something.”
They all sat down as Brock rolled a fatass blunt and the four of them took several tokes from it.
“Man,” Ash coughed, “that’s good shit right there.”
“Pikachu,” said Pikachu in a deep black man’s voice.
They were all really hungry, so Brock cooked them some eggs. Misty was so hungry that she wolfed it down and didn’t even stop to think that she was eating what was once a living Pokémon.
“Hey guys, what if… what if Pokémon, when they listen to us, like, only hear us say our own names, but they hear each other speak a real language with different words and everything?” asked Misty, high as fuck.
“So, all they’d hear me say is ‘Brock, Brock?’” asked Brock.
“Yeah,” said Misty.
“But then to each other, they’d be saying shit like ‘jolly good, guv’nah, d’ya ‘ave the toime by chance?” said Ash.
“Pokémon aren’t British, and they certainly aren’t cockney,” said Misty, frowning.
“I don’t know, I think some of them could be British, like maybe Dragonite, or Goldeen, or Starmie,” said Brock, trying to keep his friends from arguing.
“Yeah, when Goldeen says her name, she sounds kind of British,” said Ash. “And Starmie looks sorta like their flag kinda.”
“They’re Pokémon; they aren’t ANY nationality!” said Misty, ever a killjoy.
“Well how do YOU know?” asked Ash, “You’ve never heard them speak, have you?”
“Guys, let’s smoke another blunt. I’m sick and tired of this shit. You’re gonna smoke until you don’t fight or bicker anymore,” said Brock. Little did he know, it would take over 99 blunts to get Ash and Misty to stop arguing, and Brock hadn’t done the Missingno item duplication trick yet.
He reached into his backpack and grabbed his bag of weed. This time, however, he accidentally chose from the wrong bag. This weed was laced with PCP, LSD, DMT, and every other mind-altering drug with a three letter acronym that you could think of.
Ash, Misty, and Brock passed the blunt around and took hits of it.
In a few minutes, however, they started to notice that something was off.
“Why do I feel like purple?” asked Misty, gazing at her fingers as her eyes were literally the size of her head. I’ve never seen an anime person on drugs before but have a feeling that that’s how they’d exaggerate it.
“I don’t feeeeeeel so gooooooooood,” said Ash, dragging out his vowels for no reason.
“Oh, SHIT! I chose the wrong bag!” exclaimed Brock. “I was supposed to smoke that when Nurse Joy dragged me along on a date to see the new Twilight movie, because it’s the only way I could make it interesting or bearable.”
“I feel like I’m in Glitch City,” said Misty.
Suddenly, Pikachu began sending off random electrical shocks everywhere, as he was hallucinating that a flock of Pidgeys were attacking him.
The three humans ended up shocked.
“Aaaaah!” they cried out in pain.
The shocks continued, and soon they were knocked unconscious.
*****
Ash awoke, rubbing his head.
“Gosh, what a trip. Are you okay, Pikachu?”
“Pika, pika,” said Pikachu, who had a bad electrical hangover.
Ash glanced at his surroundings. He saw several thatched roof cottages and a town in front of him.
“Where are we?”
“Pika?”
Ash got out his Pokédex. God, remember when the Pokédex used to impress us as kids and we thought it was a cool gadget? But nowadays, if Professor Oak handed Ash a Pokédex, instead of being grateful he’d be a spoiled latte-sipping brat and ask if it got 4G and had the latest app on it. Anyway, he looked at the map and it couldn’t show him where he was.
“Well, that’s funny,” said Ash. “Maybe the people in this town will know something.”
They started towards the town.
*****
Pinkie walked through Ponyville as she smiled and said hello to every pony in Ponyville.
“Hi, Mister Waddle! Hi, Mister Greenhooves! Hi, Berry Punch! Hi, Amethyst Star! Hi… wait, I don’t know you.”
She glared at Ash.
“Oooh, oooh! A new pony! Or new, whatever you are.”
Ash, however, did not understand. All he heard was, “Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie.”
“Hmm, I’ve never seen this Pokémon before. I wonder what it is?” He got out his Pokédex and pointed it at Pinkie Pie.
The Pokédex said in its robotic voice, “Pinkie Pie. Party type. A Pokémon primarily responsible for throwing parties. Also, she has an incredibly annoying and high pitched voice.”
“Ooh! Pikachu, use thundershock!”
“Pikachu!” the yellow mouse exclaimed, thunder emanating from its cheeks.
The thunder hit Pinkie Pie, draining about a third of her life bar.
“Ooh, ooh, are we having a fight? I love fights!”
Pinkie Pie used Party Cannon against Pikachu, but it wasn’t very effective.
Pikachu shocked Pinkie again, and this time it was a critical hit. Pinkie Pie was left with only a few pixels on her life bar remaining.
Ash threw a Pokéball. He pressed left and right on his d-pad as the ball wiggled, even though that trick never actually works. However, he was lucky and caught Pinkie Pie.
“Alright!” he exclaimed. He and his yellow rat high-fived.
“Man, I can’t believe that we found a new Pokémon,” he said. “I thought that there were only 150 of them!”
No, Ash, actually there’s more, and they keep getting stupider and more phoned in each generation. But ignorance is bliss, I guess.
Ash continued off into town. Most of the ponies had hidden in their houses, seeing the lightning and thinking that the Pegasi had scheduled a surprise thunderstorm.
“Now, I wonder where the Pokémon center is?” he asked. He saw Carousel Boutique off in the distance and assumed that this was it.
He opened the door and waltzed right in.
“Oh, I’ll be with you in a moment, darling,” said Rarity.
“Rarity, Rarity, Rarity, Rarity, Rarity,” is all that Ash heard.
“Oh, this one sounds British! I need to catch her and then rub Misty’s face in it! Pikachu, use thundershock!”
Pikachu obliged, using thundershock before Rarity knew what was happening.
“Rarity!” she cried out.
Ash threw out a Pokéball and captured Rarity.
“I don’t see Nurse Joy in here,” said Ash. “I guess this isn’t the Pokémon Center after all.”
“Pika,” Pikachu agreed.
They exited from Carousel Boutique, and they continued to walk around the town until they reached Sweet Apple Acres.
“Hey, Pikachu, look. There’s apples. Are you hungry?”
“Pika!” said the electric mouse, and let out a thundershock which hit one of the apple trees, setting loose a bushel of them onto the ground.
Pikachu ran over and grabbed an apple and started eating it. Hearing the commotion, Applejack came outside and her jaw dropped upon seeing Ash and Pikachu.
“Hey, who in tarnation are y’all?”
All Ash heard was “Applejack, Applejack!”
He got out his Pokédex once more.
The Pokédex said, “Applejack. Earth type. It grows apples and is known for its powerful kick, and for its ignorant redneck meth labs.”
“Earth type, eh? Pikachu, return! Time to send out a water type Pokémon.”
Ash sent out Squirtle.
“Squirtle, use surf!”
Squirtle obliged, and a wave of water appeared, washing Applejack away. It was super effective, and nearly caused Applejack to faint.
“Applejack!” Applejack cried. Ash threw a Pokéball, and this time he caught Applejack.
“Kick ass!” Ash cried.
He walked back into town, a smug look on his face, as he had just caught three new Pokémon.
He saw a shadow overhead as Rainbow Dash flew over him.
“I just don’t understand where all of this lightning and thunder is coming from. It’s a clear day, and the pegasi haven’t scheduled anything. Wait, who are you?”
“Rainbow Dash! Dash! Dash!”
Once again, Ash got out his trusty Pokédex.
“Rainbow Dash. Flying type. Known for her arrogance and for being the worst character on the show. Also, she changes the weather.”
“Kick ass!” said Ash. “Flying is weak against thunder! Pikachu, you know the drill. Thunderbolt!”
“Pika!” Pikachu called out, and released a thunderbolt into the sky. However, this didn’t quite take out Rainbow Dash, as she had a lot of hitpoints.
“Oh yeah? Two can play at that game!” said Rainbow Dash, flying into the stratosphere. When she returned, she unleashed a Sonic Rainboom on Pikachu.
“Pika!” cried out Pikachu, a lot of his health drained. Ash had to use a Super Potion on him.
“Pikachu, use a thundershock, but do it lightly so that you don’t make Rainbow Dash faint,” said Ash.
Anyway, Pikachu did this, and Rainbow Dash crashed onto the ground.
“Wait, it didn’t faint, did it?” asked Ash. He went over and saw that Rainbow Dash’s eyes were still open.
“Ah, good, that means that I can still throw a Pokéball at it,” he said, throwing said ball.
“Pika?” asked Pikachu.
“Uh… that’s a good question, Pikachu. I have no idea why you can’t just catch fainted Pokémon. It would sure make my job easier,” said Ash.
They continued along their journey until they saw the tree house library.
“Huh, what’s this?” asked Ash. He and Pikachu went into the library, and they ran into Twilight Sparkle. Spike wasn’t there; I think he had like a doctor’s appointment or some shit.
“Who are you? Are you a new species? I have to study you!” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Twilight Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle?”
Ash got out his trusty Pokédex.
“Twilight Sparkle. Mary Sue type. Can fly and do pretty much anything with her magic. Also, everyone is friends with her. Seriously, to the point where it actually gets annoying in the show. Like, come on, Hasbro, give her some reasonable limitations.”
“Ooh, a legendary Pokémon!” said Ash. “Pikachu, why don’t you take a break. Charizard, go!”
The giant fire-breathing lizard emerged from the Pokéball and let out a roar.
“CHARIZARD!”
“Use flamethrower!”
However, Twilight Sparkle used Barrier and projected a force field in front of her, making the flamethrower do less damage.
“Dammit! Charizard, use fly!”
Charizard flew up into the air, but then Twilight Sparkle used Fly as well. Then, Twilight Sparkle used Hyper Beam as a purple beam shot from her horn, knocking Charizard back to earth.
“Sparkle!” she yelled.
Twilight Sparkle used Teleport to return to the ground, and then used Psychic on Charizard, picking him up with her magic and slamming him back to the ground.
Ash counted off on his fingers. “Barrier, Fly, Teleport, Hyper Beam, Psychic… how the FUCK does it know more than four moves?”
“Pika,” Pikachu suggested.
“Huh, you’re right, Pikachu. It could be using metronome,” said Ash. “Charizard, use Fire Spin!”
Charizard obliged, using fire spin. Twilight Sparkle was burnt, but still had health left. She unleashed another Psybeam, and Charizard fainted.
“Charizard, return!” Ash opened the Pokéball, and Charizard went back in.
“Alright, Pikachu, it’s part flying type, so do your best!”
Pikachu shocked Twilight Sparkle out of the air, and she landed on the ground. Ash threw out a Pokéball and attempted to catch Twilight Sparkle, but she escaped.
“Oh man,” said Ash, “Wasted a perfectly good ball. Why don’t you take down its health more, Pikachu.”
“Pika?” asked Pikachu.
“Well, I would just walk over there and retrieve the Pokéball that I used to try and catch Twilight Sparkle, but where’s the fun in that?”
Pikachu put its face into its claw and rolled its eyes. It let loose another small jolt, and Ash threw an Ultra Ball this time. Finally, he caught Twilight Sparkle.
“Gosh, we’ve gotten, what, five new Pokémon?” he asked.
“Pikachu,” the very rodent agreed.
“Let’s go explore the town some more,” Ash said. ““There has to be at least one human in this town. They can’t all be Pokémon.”
I don’t even have to say where they ended up next, because you have probably already guessed. When they got there, Ash rudely burst down the door as usual. However, this place was very unique. It was full of all sorts of Pokémon Ash had never seen before, like rabbits, turtles, mice, and sparrows.
“Jackpot!” he called out. “I haven’t been this lucky since I gambled my life savings away at Celadon Game Corner and then won it all back with my last Pokédollar!”
Yes, he said “gambled,” not “gamed” like in the fire red and leaf green remakes. It’s a game of chance: it’s fucking gambling. Goddamn political correctness bullshit.
Ash reached into his trusty utility belt, but found that he only had one Pokéball left.
“Aw, man! I guess I can only catch one of these.”
Suddenly, a yellow pegasus walked out.
“Oh, hello. Welcome to my cottage. Sorry if my door was locked and you had to break and enter...” she said, shying away.
“Fluttershy…” was all Ash heard.
Ash sighed and simply tossed his Pokéball at her, not even bothering to weaken her any. Not that he needed to, because she didn’t even struggle.
“YEAH!” he cried out. “Six new Pokémon!”
“Pika!” Pikachu agreed, giving Ash a high five.
“Too bad I can only use five of them. I can only carry six, after all, and I still want you with me, Pikachu. Maybe I’ll just give up Fluttershy here and have my new team be the other ones I caught.”
“Pika?” Pikachu asked.
Ash groaned and sighed. “Look, I don’t KNOW why you can only carry six Pokémon, okay? I don’t make these rules. Go talk to Game Freak or the Pokémon league or whoever.”
“Pika pika.”
“No, I will NOT just only keep six in my belt for battles and carry the other balls around in my backpack instead of going to Bill’s PC every time I need to switch team members around. I am a law abiding citizen!”
“Pika.”
“Look, Professor Oak told me not to ride my bike indoors, and that’s exactly what I will do. There’s signs too, you know. If they put up a sign that says ’Bike-Free Zone,’ that’s what it is.”
“PIKA!?” Pikachu demanded.
“Look, I don’t know why healthcare is free, but lemonade costs like three hundred dollars. Do I look like a fucking economist to you, you little yellow rat?”
“PIKACHU!” he yelled out, shocking both Ash and himself. They both lost consciousness.
*****
“Ugh… what a bad trip,” said Ash, waking up. The sun beat down on his eyes as he lie down in the grass next to a busy street.
“Ash… Ash! Thank the Pokégods!” said Brock.
“We thought you’d never wake up,” said Misty.
“Pikachu.”
“Man, what happened?” Ash asked.
“You were knocked out cold by Gary Oak,” said Brock. “He and his crowd of cheerleaders came and hit you in the head with a tire iron, and you’ve been out cold ever since.”
“Anything you’ve seen since then has been a hallucination,” said Misty.
“Even the weed?” asked Ash.
“Yeah, I smoked it all, sorry,” said Brock. “Nope, it’s just been Gary.”
“Gary, Gary, he’s our man; if he can’t do it, no one can!”
They glanced up to see Gary pull up to them in a 2013 Scion TC with dual overhead cam four cylinder, solid gold rims, and a sunroof. In the car were three hot cheerleaders who he was about to take back to the Playboy mansion and have his way with.
“Oh hey, Ass,” he said.
“It’s ASH!” said Ass.
“So, I’m very sorry about our little accident. I was just replacing the tire on this beauty here and it flew over and hit you in the head.”
“We know that’s not what happened, Gary!” Misty said.
“You’re a liar and a crook, see!” said Brock in a 50’s accent.
“Pikachu!” said Pikachu.
“Gary, you’re no match for me. I’ll bet I can best you in a Pokémon battle!” said Ash.
“Oh, really? What, you still have Pikascrew and Turtle and Har-harizard? They’re no match for my Arcanine, Haunter, Venusaur, and Alakazam!”
“No, I have new Pokémon from a new region of Japan-With-White-People, and they kick ass!” said Ash. “I’ll even show you. Twilight Sparkle, I choose you!”
He threw a Pokéball on the ground, but it was just empty.
Gary laughed. “Wait, Twilight Sparkle? You’re a Brony? You know that’s a kid’s show, right?” said Gary. He and his girls drove off in his Scion, oblivious to the irony.