Two are your wings to carry you far...
Chop, chop, was the sound her knife made as Fluttershy deftly sliced carrots into perfectly even pieces. Angel would probably throw another of his A-grade hissies if they weren’t, but that wasn’t why Fluttershy was so meticulous today. After so long spent taking care of various animals, Fluttershy’s skill with a knife was legendary, even when her guts were churning and her thoughts felt as though they were on fire, her skills would keep her slicing ability at a knife’s edge.
Angel turned his head at the hissed curse that came from the kitchen. Fluttershy was inspecting a bleeding hoof and trying to hold some of the nastier vocabulary she had learned, behind her teeth. This was unacceptable. If she was faltering with a task so ingrained and well known, then she must be more upset than she had thought.
Damn, if she hadn’t just seen Rainbow then this probably wouldn’t have happened. Fluttershy’s mind, always eager to return to Rainbow Dash like a tongue to a missing tooth, leaped onto the new train of thought. Perhaps at some point when they were in school together, Fluttershy had thought her level of attachment to her best friend a little strange. It seemed like such a long time ago and Fluttershy hadn’t really known how friendship was supposed to feel. She never had a friend. Maybe it was just normal to want to touch her, to want to be near her and crave her affection. After all, what else could it mean? Besides, Rainbow hadn’t seemed to care; she had no close friends either so it seemed only natural that they should be so close.
Fluttershy hadn’t really worked out what was going on until the dreams started. She never knew to this day how she had gotten away with it. She had been sleeping in the same bed as Rainbow for the better part of their time spent in boarding school. One night, she had woken up feeling hot all over. The dream was still clear and vibrant in her mind. Panting and moaning and what were these feelings. She would be lying if she said she had never at least somewhere in her mind suspected, but this? It had frightened her and what made it all the worse was that Rainbow never even noticed. She didn’t feel Fluttershy squirm out of bed, didn’t hear the shower running in the middle of the night, never heard the quiet sobs as her best friend realised just how much trouble she was in.
And it stayed that way, all through school, all through the time they had known each other. Fluttershy told herself she was lucky, that she was a good actor and that she could pretend not to be herself, for Rainbow. She had told herself she was glad no one ever noticed and that she was glad her feeble pretences at interest in stallions had fooled them. In truth, it fucking hurt. Did no one see her? Did no one even care?
Fluttershy kept her knives sharp so as to make her unusually large chopping load that much easier. As such, the cut on her hoof was both deep and thin. The blood was not stopping, nor even slowing. On top of everything else, she was going to need medical attention. She sighed and placed the knife back on the countertop. This really had not been her day.
Fluttershy winced as she placed too much weight on her bad leg. The doctor had said she was lucky the knife was so sharp. The wound was clean and would heal fast. The antibacterial had stung like seven hells but on a day like this, she would have expected no less.
As she limped home, Fluttershy found her thoughts returning to Rainbow Dash. Was it a mistake coming out to her friends like that? Sure, she hadn’t had much choice. After Twilight had announced the couples' night, it had been impossible to just keep slipping under the radar. Truth be told, though, that was really only half the reason. If Fluttershy were truly honest with herself, she would have to admit that she had wanted to do it. Lies were heavy and she wasn’t exactly strong. She gave a bitter laugh at that. She may not have been strong to begin with, but oh how this had taught her. Of all the ways to learn strength, she had never thought her rout would be so brutal.
She had meant to tell Rainbow about her crush, too, just so all the lies could stop, but she had chickened out. Well, a lot of good it had done. How much worse could things be?
Fluttershy felt something strange, then, an odd courage in utter defeat. She had tried, no one could say she hadn’t, and where had it gotten her? Rainbow was awkward and distant, Twilight had all but stated that they were no longer friends, Rarity constantly plied her with questions, like simply changing pronouns could fix this situation and Pinkie didn’t seem to grasp what had her so worked up and just got upset when Fluttershy didn’t want to be happy. In truth, the only one of her friends who Fluttershy felt she could be honest with was Applejack.
I’m so close to freedom. After that, I can stop caring.
Fluttershy stopped dead in her tracks. That thought was like a sucker punch, but it was true, wasn’t it? As long as she’d come this far, why not? Why not put the icing on the cake and make sure Rainbow would never attempt to act like nothing had changed again?
Fluttershy spread her wings and didn’t even wince when they carried her higher than she was usually comfortable with. Was this what freedom felt like? Maybe this was how Rainbow felt when she performed death defying stunts. It crossed Fluttershy’s mind that there was probably a fairly crucial difference. While Rainbow was reckless, she might actually care that she could fall and die.
Fluttershy knocked hard on the door. Odds were that Rainbow wasn’t home, she seldom was, but it was worth a shot. There was no response so she knocked again, almost hard enough to damage the wood. She waited a while longer but, still, Rainbow did not appear.
With a sigh Fluttershy lifted her wings and flew away. Maybe Twilight would know where she had gone.
Fluttershy felt strange walking up to the library door. It had been, what, weeks? It felt like so much longer. She brought her hoof down, noting that her knock was not as quiet as it once would have been. She had changed a lot since she had first come out to her friends, no longer the cringing pony who ran sobbing from Twilight’s slicing words.
“Who’s— Oh, hello, Fluttershy.” Twilight looked down at the ground. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I’m looking for Rainbow Dash,” said Fluttershy, endeavouring to convey that, no, this wasn’t when they were going to have it out properly. “Last I saw her she wanted to see you about something. I figured you might know where she went.”
Twilight looked slightly relieved, but was tactful enough not to let the expression show blatantly. “She didn’t say. Sorry, I wish I could be more help.”
Fluttershy sighed, squashing the small spark of hatred that screamed, ‘If you wanted to be more help, you could start by being a better friend, not spitting in my face just because you can’t accept that I’m different.’ “That’s alright, I’m sure I can find her.” She smiled. That was important, she supposed. All these fake pleasantries were sickening and left Fluttershy with a bad taste in her mouth. Twilight knew the smile was fake and she knew Twilight knew that. “Thanks anyway.” Fluttershy lifted her wings, then took off.
As she flew away, she pretended not to her the desperate “Fluttershy, wait.” She was starting to find it harder and harder to care what Twilight thought.
The next two weeks passed fairly uneventfully for most residents of Ponyville. The weather team was a little behind schedule but not so much as to cause a panic. Most ponies didn’t even notice, simply going about their days as if nothing were amiss.
For Fluttershy, the days passed slowly. Each morning, she hoped to see Rainbow flying overhead. She hoped for just a glimpse so she could assure herself that Rainbow was ok.
Every time she heard reports that Rainbow hadn’t shown up for work, the knot of worry in Fluttershy’s stomach grew. Something was wrong, Rainbow never missed work. Even if she did, she would call in sick, she wouldn’t just slip off the radar like this.
It was on the fourteenth day since the experiment that Fluttershy decided she needed to know what was going on. Two weeks was enough, whatever was bothering Rainbow, she could share it with her best friend… or, once best friend.
It was with a sigh that Fluttershy knocked on the large double doors of Rainbow’s cloud mansion. There was no response. She hadn’t really expected one. She knocked again, sure that Rainbow was home.
When she was, once again, met with silence, Fluttershy walked away from the front door and around the back. Out here was the huge porch. Overhead was a delicately woven shade so a pony could sit out here for hours without worrying about the sun. The view was spectacular. From here, Fluttershy could see Ponyville spread out before her like a painting. She could also see mountains and, just visible in the distance, the grand city of Canterlot.
Turning from the picturesque scene before her, Fluttershy made her way to the lounge room window. Rainbow always left it open to allow a nice breeze to ventilate the place.
Fluttershy stepped inside, experiencing the usual brief moment of vertigo. Rainbow’s house was nothing less than a work of art. It was huge, the beautifully carved pillars smoothly giving way to a high domed ceiling. The furniture was all individually carved by Rainbow herself, each piece as exquisite as any professional crafts pony could have made. To look at her, one might not think Rainbow the type to create such a work but here was the evidence to the contrary. What truly boggled the mind, though, was the sheer size. Fluttershy had never had a full tour but Rainbow had hinted that there were at least a hundred rooms. The main living area was massive, and more luxurious than that of Celestia’s palace. Against one wall, the mother of all rainbow fountains gurgled cheerfully, the colours shifting and wavering through the spectrum. Sometimes Fluttershy speculated on how long this would have taken to build. A year? Ten?
And yet…. Fluttershy couldn’t help but feel like the space was pressing down on her. Despite the care that had obviously gone into creating it, the house didn’t feel homey. The atmosphere was sterile, almost cold. Perhaps it was because Rainbow didn’t like spending time here. This house didn’t feel lived in because it wasn’t, it being more usual for Rainbow to spend her nights sleeping in a tree and her days shooting through the sky in a technicolour blur.
It didn’t make sense; why go to all the trouble of building a palace more spectacular than the one in Canterlot and then spend no time here? Even if she didn’t like the house, she could make a fortune selling it. The money she would make from selling a house like this could keep her living in luxury for a lifetime. Scratch that, for several lifetimes.
Fluttershy shook her head and trudged over to an intricately carved staircase, working her way up towards the master bedroom.
The journey was longer than Fluttershy remembered and she soon grew weary of the same blank stretches of wall. It was odd, really, that after so much work making all the furniture, Rainbow had overlooked the walls. Throughout the entire house, Fluttershy had not seen a single painting or charcoal sketch. Perhaps that was another reason the place felt so sterile.
At last, Fluttershy found herself at the right door. She had no mind to admire just how grand this room looked, even from the outside, because now she was closer, she could hear the sobbing. She rushed to the door and wrenched them open, not even a little bit prepared for what she would find.
Rainbow Dash was not a pretty sight. Fluttershy felt like her guts had been ripped out and tied around her stomach. The sky-blue figure on the bed was curled up in a tight ball, sobs shaking it rhythmically. She had lost weight, a lot of weight. Rainbow was normally quite skinny but now she looked as though she hadn’t eaten a thing in weeks.
The second thing Fluttershy noticed was a sweet, musky odour that hung heavy in the air. She knew that smell only by instinct and when the recognition hit her, she felt tears sting her eyes.
She was at Rainbow’s bedside in a flash, laying a tentative hoof on her shoulder. Rainbow flinched away violently. She didn’t turn, only raised her wings around herself in a makeshift cocoon.
“What… what are you doing here? Go away!” she managed to choke out between her tears.
“Rainbow, there is not a power in Equestria that could persuade me to leave your side for one moment until you tell me what happened.”
Rainbow hunched in on herself tighter, seeming to want to shut out her friend’s existence.
The clock on the wall ticked slowly, lending an unhappy harmony to Rainbow’s quiet sobs.
Fluttershy lost track of how many times the minute hand made its way around the face, hearing only the gentle progression as the sound of fresh despair turned to soft breathing.
Rainbow was not asleep but at least the sobbing had stopped. That left only silence, punctuated by a never ending sequence of ‘tick, tick, tick….’
It was important to Fluttershy that she not be the one to break the silence. If she did that, this conversation would be on her terms and Rainbow would not tell her anything. All Fluttershy could do was wait and listen. She had often found in the past that the only way to make Rainbow talk, was to listen at her loudly. She was as stubborn as a mule and would never give in to being badgered. The only way forward was to let her take the lead.
At last, Rainbow said, in a voice cracked from crying. “I’m gay.”
Two words. Two words that, given a million years, Fluttershy would never have thought she’d hear from her friend. Her heart seemed to lurch and freeze both at once. She felt choked up and couldn’t have spoken even if she’d wanted to. Thankfully, Rainbow continued.
“I’m gay and it’s because of what Twilight did to me.”
That was a sucker punch. Finding her voice, Fluttershy said, “She did what? How is that even possible?”
Rainbow remained in place, refusing to turn and face Fluttershy. After a moment, she continued as though uninterrupted. “She came and asked for my help on something, some project she was working on. I didn’t think much of it because I was already angry at her for what’s happening between her and Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy shivered, only now realising what this was. As far as Rainbow was concerned, she was speaking to herself. It made sense in a way; if she could pretend she was alone, she could tell this story that obviously caused her so much pain.
“In the end I agreed. She hit me with this spell and there was a bright flash of light. It felt really strange, like all of a sudden there was no direction and I was floating, then, bam, I landed and I was ok. I thought nothing had changed. Then… then the mares at the café. I thought I was losing my mind and then I couldn’t stand it.
“I came to my room, my mind was spinning, like when I fell I accidentally landed on the ceiling. Then… dreams. I couldn’t take it…”
Her voice petered out and the sobs were back. Fluttershy feared what her friend would say next, knowing the smell that still hung in the air could only mean one thing.
After a time, the stuttering voice started up again. “So I decided to land right. The way I figured it, this was wrong. It wasn’t my natural state, so if I could be reminded of my natural state, I would be normal again. The only thing I could think to do…." she paused, letting the silence speak for her. "It was easier than I thought it would be. Where I was so nervous only weeks before, now it didn’t seem all that hard. I went to him, I propositioned him and I fucked him.” The words were careful, neatly arranged like a row of dominoes, ready to topple at the touch of a breeze.
Fluttershy felt her heart break. Tears, which had already begun to build up behind her eyes, now trickled down her cheeks in slow rivulets.
She didn’t expect the voice to continue, assuming that was the end. Nevertheless, after a few seconds, Rainbow said, “But it was wrong. It felt wrong to my very core. I tried, I really tried, but I- I couldn’t do it. I flew away halfway through.”
She finally sat up and Fluttershy found herself stunned once again. Rainbow’s face looked dreadful, the fur matted with tear tracks, eyes bloodshot and frantic.
“Shy?” Her voice was a whisper, innocent and pleading. “Can I sleep now?”
Fluttershy didn’t think, just reached forward and wrapped Rainbow in a tight hug. Rainbow stiffened but then relaxed, fully relaxed. It seemed as though she hadn’t fully relaxed for weeks. “Of course. Sleep now. I’ll be here when you wake.”
As the sun dipped below the horizon, it cast one final golden ray across two sleeping pegasi. Neither knew what was to come, but for once, they at least felt ready to find out.