One is the one, the pony you are...
Rainbow was up early, brushing her teeth and, breaking away from routine, grooming her mane. She had spent the whole of last night working it over in her mind, allowing all her fears and doubts to pour into visions, halfway between dreaming and waking. After several hours, the images had started to warp, taking on the logic of a sleeping consciousness. Scenes played out where he said ‘yes’ and scenes where he said ‘no.’ Over and over again, they played. Sometimes there was kissing, sometimes fighting, sometimes… more. Rainbow couldn’t remember ever feeling this way before. It had to stop. Today, she was going to ask Big Mac to be her coltfriend. Whatever was going on with her other friends, it could not be allowed to interfere with this.
She glanced around the room one final time, knowing she was only stalling but doing it anyway. There had to be something; had she brushed her mane? Yes. Had she eaten a nice breakfast? Well no but she couldn’t have stomached it if she’d tried. Realising there was nothing for it but to just face this, Rainbow Dash opened the door, and stepped outside… right into a rather surprised looking Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh, hello Rainbow, I was just about to knock. Listen I really need your help with something. There's this project I'm working on and I need a test subject.” She stopped when she saw the state of her friend’s mane and tail. A further glance told her that Rainbow had washed and brushed her coat. “Rainbow, what happened? Did Rarity slip in while you were asleep?” She sniffed. “Are you wearing perfume?”
Rainbow flushed scarlet. When she spoke, her voice cracked defensively. “Why, is there some sort of law against that… princess?”
Twilight flinched back, looking hurt. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I’ll just go.” She turned her back and spread her new purple wings, preparing for flight.
A twinge of guilt rushed through Rainbow as she remembered teaching her friend that position. Twilight had taken to flying like a pig to blacksmithing and it had been an arduous process. She sighed, aware that her temper was only on a hair-trigger because of the Big Mac thing, well, that and the thing with Fluttershy.
“No, Twi, wait.” Twilight turned. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to snap like that.”
Twilight still looked hurt, but now concern also touched her features. “Is something up?”
“I just…” Rainbow ran a hoof over her silky mane and huffed out an exasperated sigh. “Just having a hard time getting a date for this couple’s night. You've caused quite a bit of turbulence with this idea of yours.” Despite her efforts, a hint of bitterness crept into that last sentence.
“I’m really sorry to stress you all out. I just thought it would be good for all my friends to see that I’m still me, that this whole princess thing doesn't change that friendship.”
Rainbow ground her teeth, feeling the anger that had been simmering under the surface come to a sudden boil. Perhaps it was because of the way Twilight said ‘friends’ like she wanted to say ‘subjects.’ Perhaps it was because the word ‘friendship,’ once sincere and warm, now sounded dry in her mouth, like the friendship speech was one she’d memorised. Perhaps it was just the thought of how Twilight’s “friendship” was hurting Fluttershy.
“Did you come here for a reason or are you just here to apologise at me and lament your new wings and status?” she snapped.
Twilight’s eyes immediately teared up and Rainbow tried to tell herself that that didn’t give her a ferrel buzz of satisfaction. It didn't work, she merely snorted as Twilight ran away, diving over the edge of the cloud and snapping out her wings for a hasty retreat.
After a few minutes of just breathing, Rainbow did the same. She allowed the wind to rush past her face, blowing away all the clouds in her mind and letting her think freely. That argument with Twilight had been stupid. Applejack would have smacked her around the head for such a clumsy confrontation. It had been foolish to let these emotions simmer for so long, waiting till they just burst forth like they had.
Rainbow snapped her wings open seconds before she would have hit the hard dirt. She rocketed forward, heading to Sweet Apple Acres, this time, her intent somewhat different than it had been earlier that morning.
Rainbow Dash had been right; after hearing of the argument she had had with Twilight, Applejack cuffed her, hard, around the head. This had been some minutes after she said “Who are you and what in blazes have you done with Rainbow Dash. You look like you’re going to be on the cover of one of them fancy magazines and you smell like you went and jumped in a flower bed in mid spring. Is all this really to impress that old lug in that field over there?” At which Rainbow had flushed and muttered something too low for Applejack to catch.
All this had happened some minutes before Rainbow, having told her story, whispered “Applejack, I need your help on this one.”
That was what did it. Rainbow Dash, cheeks burning with shame and looking like the victim of one of Rarity’s few but lethal rages, had come here and asked for help.
“Come here sugarcube.” Applejack pulled Rainbow into a hug, tactfully not noticing the way she flopped, like a pony pushed to her limits. “Why don’t you come inside with me and I’ll make you some tea?”
Rainbow pulled back quickly trying to hide her grateful smile and burning cheeks behind a mask of casual affability. It didn’t really work and her words came out a little huskier than normal. “Thanks AJ.”
Applejack wrapped a hoof around her friend’s shoulders and carefully guided her inside, where she set her down in a seat before going about the task of brewing tea.
At first, Applejack worried that she would have to start the conversation with gentle but probing questions. Fortunately, after only a few minutes, Rainbow said, “I just don’t get where this anger is coming from.”
Applejack waited a few moments before carefully constructing her response. “Do you really not know or do you not want to know?”
“Don’t go all psychoanalysis on me here, AJ. If I tell you I don’t know, it means I don’t fucking know,” she snapped. The rage was still hot, ready to nip at anything.
Applejack seated herself unconcernedly across from Rainbow and passed her a steaming mug. “Well then call me crazy because I could have sworn you asked for my help on this. Now I know lies and I know anger, and I can see that, in this case, the one is giving rise to the other. Remember, no one knows your emotions better than you, so let’s try this again: why are you mad at Twilight?”
Rainbow took a deep breath, this time allowing herself to actually consider the question instead of jumping straight on the defensive. She thought about all the feelings that had run through her when she heard Twilight would be a princess. She thought about the time she had spent with her anger simmering there, ready to burst forth at any excuse. She thought about the way her friends had been ever so happy, acting like nothing bad could possibly come of this. She thought of the expectation that she would share this belief and the way that all chances to be angry had been carefully squashed in music and celebration.
There it was, the anger jumped to the front of her mind and an answer was on her lips before she could stop it, the words tumbling out in a desperate rush to be heard. “She thinks she’s better than us. I mean, with any of my other friends I probably wouldn’t have minded. I know that you guys don’t see yourselves as above the rest of us. Put Pinkie in power and all she’d really do is make a few decrees about cupcakes, but she’d still be her. I guess Twilight has always thought she was a little better than the rest of us and this is just one more reason.”
Applejack merely nodded, listening intently to the tirade that had obviously been building, even if subconsciously, for quite a while now. “Are you even paying attention to her? She’s desperate to prove that she’s still our friend. I’d bet my apple orchard that she’d give this away in a second if she could. I can’t honestly believe Celestia would do something so stupid as put all that weight on her shoulders and think it a gift. I guess she’s carried the burden for so long she forgot it was one, but have you even thought of what this will mean for her? She will outlive all of us. Imagine if you knew you were going to have to watch all your friends die around you. And you’re right, this does change everything and pretending it doesn’t won’t do no one any good. Sometimes I have half a mind to walk right up to Celestia and give her the what for. She deserves it after a world class blunder like this.”
“But that’s just it, that’s what really annoys me about all this. I’d be a lot happier if she’d just accept that she’s a princess and stop trying to be our friend. She has responsibilities and yea, she will outlive us all, so why bother? ‘Oh no, poor me, I’ve been made a princess, been given awesome powers and basically a get out of death free card for the rest of eternity. But boo hoo, that means I’ll have to put up with being respected and pampered and living in as much luxury as I want.’ How does that not rub you the wrong way?”
“Because I know she doesn’t want it.”
Rainbow, realising she was pacing, sat back down and blew on her tea, trying to vent some of her anger. “I know I shouldn’t have snapped at her, but I just can’t stand it. I hate Celestia for doing this and I hate Twilight for not dealing with it how she should.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow as she sipped at her own tea. “And how should she have dealt with it? I hear you saying what she shouldn’t have done but what I’m not hearing is what she should have done instead.”
That statement actually left Rainbow stumped. “Well… I don’t know, but it’s not my job to know.”
Applejack nodded, a small, sad smile on her face. “It seems to me you’re hating Twilight for something that really isn’t her fault. If you’re going to hate someone, hate Hasbro for wanting to sell a new toy line.”
“Say what?”
“I said, ‘hate Celestia for not realising what a burden she was putting on Twilight.’ She’s just trying to do the best with what she’s been given.”
“I thought you said… never mind.” Rainbow shook her head. “I dunno, even if I forgive her for being a pampered, prissy, perfect, proper, princess, I can’t forgive her for the way she treated Fluttershy.”
Applejack’s eyes gleamed dangerously, belying her seemingly calm tone. “Now that is her fault and I have had words with her about that. But as much as you might be angry at her for that, it’s not really your battle. Hard as this is for you, this is between Twilight and Fluttershy.”
“How dare you?” asked Rainbow, jumping to her feet. “She’s my best friend and has been since before you were old enough to string four words together. This is my battle because it’s her battle. I won’t pretend to understand it but if she’s gay then Twilight has to be ok with it.” She slammed her hooves down on the table, causing both teacups to clatter. She turned her back and continued her furious pacing.
“You’re preaching to the choir here sugar cube. I know Twilight is wrong about this, but that don’t mean we stop being her friend in favour of shunning her for her ignorance. I’m telling you: what’ll get her through this isn’t being abandoned and hated, it’s having understanding friends who never leave her side, no matter what. We’re leading by example here. Love and tolerance ain’t just words she bandies about for the fun of it and she’ll realise that sooner or later.
“Yea, but with each ‘later’ Fluttershy is getting hurt that much more.”
Now Applejack turned an icy gaze on Rainbow. “Well, don’t you look fine up on that high horse. Time was when you were telling me how you weren’t sure you could treat her the same now. You know how many times she’s come here just for a friendly shoulder to cry on?”
Rainbow felt her eyes sting at the thought of Fluttershy crying. Worse, though, was the pain of knowing that she hadn't been the one Fluttershy had come to. “I may not be good at this but at least I’m trying.”
“We’re all trying, sugar cube. That don’t mean we’re all going to get the hang of it first up. Some of us’ll take longer to get used to it. I think if you were just honest with her, told her you weren’t sure you knew how to talk to her anymore, she might not shut down so much as when you’re pretending nothing’s changed.”
Unbidden, memories of the day before surged into Rainbow’s mind. She remembered the way Fluttershy’s face had fallen at the stupid, unthinking remark. She had hid it well, too. To Rainbow, that was almost the bigger concern. How many times had she done that? How many times had she slid her pain or hurt under a calm exterior? How much must it have hurt that no one ever looked close enough to notice?
Rainbow flopped forward, trying to drown herself in the hard-wood surface of the kitchen table. “What am I going to do?”
When she spoke, Applejack sounded pleased. “Well first, you’re going to mosey on over to the library and tell Twilight that you’re ready to help her with that project of hers, then you’re going to Fluttershy’s place to tell her you got no clue how to act around her anymore and then, once you’re done, you can come back here and try to put the moves on that stallion out there. Who knows, maybe I’ll slip him a nice aphrodisiac before you get here to make things a little easier.” She ducked the inevitable teacup as it was expertly hurled towards her head, laughing.
The wind always helped to clear Rainbow’s head. It was something in the way the icy tendrils slipped into her mane, or the tears that formed in the corners of her eyes. It had a sting that felt… alive.
Anger equalled speed; that was something she had learned a while ago. This wasn’t the same kind of anger that had exploded all over Twilight. No; this was the kind that boiled under the surface. The kind that lent strength to her muscles and made her heart beat that much faster, her blood that much hotter.
Whether arriving at her destination quickly was a good thing or not was still an open question in Rainbow’s books but, like it or not, there she was. She was just raising a hoof to knock when she heard… something. It was just a flicker in her subconscious, enough to make her turn around.
“Oh… hey, Fluttershy.” Rainbow felt her heart sink; she wasn’t ready for this encounter, not yet, maybe not ever. “Look, I’m really sorry—”
“I was just here to see Twilight, I had planned to talk to her today.” If Rainbow hadn’t been paying close attention, she would have easily missed the way her friend cut her off mid apology. Why would she want to do that? “But if this is a bad time then I can come back later.”
Before Rainbow could say a word, Fluttershy had turned away, heading back towards her cottage. Rainbow slumped. That was the last thing she needed. She was going to be distracted enough as it was. Oh well, I might as well just do what I came here to do. She reached up and brought her hoof down hard on the library door. Nothing. She tried again, knocking louder this time.
At last, there was a shuffling from the other side and the door opened to show Spike standing there. He wore a mostly blank expression that was probably intended to hide his anger. “She’s not seeing anyone at the moment, least of all you,” he said, a touch shortly.
“Look, I’m not sure if you heard about what happened but—”
“I know perfectly well what happened. I had the story repeatedly sobbed at me.” This time there was no subtlety, Spike was angry.
“I know what I did was wrong but can I at least talk to her?”
“No you can’t. You shouldn’t even—” He shook his head, obviously unable to find words he deemed sufficient. “You know what? Just go. The last thing she needs right now is for you to come down here parading your… morals and your guilt trips.”
This time, Rainbow’s anger was sparked. “My morals? How dare you give me that kind of crap? Do you have any idea what she—” Rainbow was getting rather sick of being cut off mid-sentence today.
“I know as well as you that what she did is wrong, I get that, but what part of shaming her, belittling her, yelling at her and outright hating her do you think is helping that?”
It struck Rainbow, then, the drastic change Spike’s recent growth spurt had caused. He still wasn’t as tall as she but he stood a good foot or so taller than he had before. His face was changing too, becoming more adult. It was harder to see him as the baby he had so resembled not five months ago.
“Spike, I’m here to apologise. For fuck sake, I’ve already had this lecture from Applejack.”
The change was so minute that it could easily have been missed. Upon hearing the name, Spike’s shoulders relaxed and his previously thunderous expression lightened. “You spoke with Applejack?” he asked cautiously.
Rainbow rubbed her head where Applejack had struck her. “Yea, and I’ve got the bump to prove it.”
Spike gave a bitter smile. “I swear she’s the only one of us to keep a level head through all this nonsense.” With a shrug he leaned against the door frame, tapping his ivory claws idly against the wood. He sighed. “Look, I get it, I really do. I know you just want to help Fluttershy through all this; you’re a good friend to her. Even so, I can’t just let you go in there and trample all over Twilight. Fluttershy has you and that’s great but both of them need someone on their side. I’m sorry but if we’re choosing loyalties—” he stressed the word, giving Rainbow a significant look. “—here, then I already know where I have to stand.” He straightened determinedly, a small trickle of smoke escaping the corner of his mouth and winding its way up his face. “I’m all she’s got right now.”
Rainbow relaxed her threatening posture and breathed a heavy sigh. “I do understand that, I want to make good with her and Fluttershy, try to help both of them like I should have from the start. Please can I talk to her? I know I haven’t been treating her or Fluttershy the way I should have been.” Her cheeks burned as they always did when admitting she was wrong. Perhaps it was that that finally made Spike relent.
“Fine, but if you start verbally bashing her, you’re leaving.” Rainbow Dash easily caught the words he wasn’t saying ‘Whether I have to ask you to leave or throw you out myself.’ He probably could, too. Along with a foot or so of growth, he had gotten significantly stronger. Rainbow found herself smiling when she remembered Twilight mention that he was eating her out of house and home.
Rainbow flicked off a mock salute as she walked inside. “Yessir!”
Rainbow Dash could have found her way to Twilight’s room blindfolded. When she knocked on the door, she was met with silence. This didn’t matter as the door was unlocked.
Inside, she found the ground littered with screwed up tissues. The bed sheets were a mess and probably hadn’t been changed for days, weeks maybe. Twilight was sitting at her desk sniffling and sobbing but working on… something.
“Here to yell at me some more?”
Rainbow cursed, remembering she still hadn’t found the time to wash herself free of perfume. “No, Twi.”
“Don’t call me that.”
Rainbow winced but supposed she probably deserved that. “I’m sorry about before. I should have come straight to you with a problem, not just let my anger boil under the surface. I’m here to say…” she faltered and tried again, “I’m here to say that I’m still your friend.”
Twilight turned and Rainbow could see her eyes were bloodshot. “Does that mean you agree with me?”
“No. Never. It means I still want to be your friend and I’m not going to let something like this stand in the way.”
Twilight’s expression darkened and she turned back to her desk. “Then you’re here to change my mind.”
“No. You wanted my help with something this morning; if that’s still the case then I’d be happy to help you with it.”
Twilight looked up from her notes, a calculating expression on her face. “Do you promise to not try to talk me into anything?”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” she recited dutifully.
Despite everything, that drew the tiniest of smiles from her friend. “Alright. Come on then, I’ll need some room. The ground floor should be sufficient.” She trotted down the stairs, Rainbow at her heel.
The air was tense, the silence stifling. In an attempt to lighten the mood, Rainbow asked casually, “So what exactly is it you want my help with?”
“I’m working on a new spell at the moment. I need a test subject and it can’t be me as I need to document the results from the outside.”
“Uh huh…” Rainbow couldn’t help but note that that didn’t really answer her question. “So why me?” she clarified.
Twilight flushed a little. “Well, it could be a tad… dangerous. I figured you would be the only one reck— brave enough.” She smiled weakly.
Rainbow shrugged. She could hardly protest at this point. “Fine, just, please don’t incinerate me.”
“Don’t worry, there’s only a very small chance of that happening. Now just stand right over there.”
“Hold on, hold on, hold on.” Rainbow hand stepped into the circle drawn on the floor in white chalk but was holding her hooves up in protest. “You haven’t even told me what this is supposed to do.”
Twilight flushed. “It’s just for some personal research. I promise, as soon as it’s done, I’ll remove it. You might not even feel anything.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Well, I could show you the spell diagrams and explain the theory along with charts.” She pulled a chalkboard off one wall. On it was a myriad of complex symbols, various diagrams, intricate runes, odd power charts and things Rainbow didn’t even have a name for.
Her head throbbed at the very sight. “Ugh, no. Just hit me with it.”
Twilight beamed. “Ok, hold still.”
It wasn’t the way the light seemed to shine through her very brain that told Rainbow something was wrong, nor was it the high pitched squeal that filled her ears. It wasn’t even the way she was picked up and slammed against a wall. Those were all clues, but what really gave it away was the resounding twang that seemed to reverberate through her very being, something fundamental, like an earthquake. Her mind was a building and the very foundation, the rock it was built on, was shifting. She knew the sound was just in her head but it was deafening. Her mind was being pulled apart at the seams, new threads being stitched in like threads of gold and silver. Her whole body gave a final shudder and… nothing.
Rainbow stood and it was over. Nothing seemed to have changed; the world was the same shape, the same texture. Twilight had collapsed to the ground, but she was definitely breathing. It was rather like waking from a nightmare of pain, pain that felt so real in the world of dreams and yet melted away in the dawn light. As the seconds passed, the feeling faded away like fog. It was probably nothing. Just a bit of a mental blow from a spell that had so obviously gone wrong.
The automatic response, therefore, was anger. Twilight had said nothing would go wrong.
She walked over, prodding her with a hoof. “Rise and shine. What the hell was that? I thought you said this would be safe.”
Twilight groaned and got shakily to her feet. “I have absolutely no idea what went wrong. I thought I allowed for the energy with enough counterweight to neutralise the blast.”
“In English?”
“Sorry, that wasn’t meant to happen, are you alright?”
Rainbow sighed. A few bruised ribs, nothing that wouldn’t heal. “Fine, why? Was I supposed to turn pink as well?”
Twilight looked sheepish but was saved from having to answer by Spike poking his head through the door. “What happened, are you two alright?” he shot Rainbow a suspicious glare.
Twilight glanced up at him, then briefly back at Rainbow. “We’re fine, Spike. I just miscast a spell.”
He nodded, unconvinced. “Well, regardless, I think it’s time Rainbow Dash left.”
Rainbow jumped on this, eager to go and talk to Fluttershy. “Yea, I really should go, I got places to be, things to do.”
Twilight looked concerned. “Are you sure you’re alright? Could I at least check you over to make sure nothing’s wrong?”
“I feel fine, really.” Before Twilight could protest any further, Rainbow had already flown towards the door. “Anyway, glad I could help, catch you later.”
Rainbow sighed as she made her way down Ponyvil’s main street. She had become aware several minutes ago that she was hungry, a problem that only seemed to be getting worse. Well, there was no sense facing Fluttershy on an empty stomach.
She wandered over to one of the cafés that were scattered throughout Ponyville. Perhaps a daisy sandwich and some hay fries would have her prepared.
“May I take your order?”
Rainbow looked up at the feminine voice… and looked some more… and kept looking. The mare had a petite structure, with beautifully delicate bones. She was an earth pony with a soft blue mane and light green coat. Her eyes shone a rich, earthy brown, so smooth and enticing. Her figure was slightly rounded, like Pinkie Pie, but all the better for it.
“Is something wrong?” the mare asked, having obviously noticed Rainbow staring. “Should I come back later?”
Rainbow shook herself. What the fuck was going on here? Was this some kind of stupid joke? She tried to shake it off, to tear her eyes away from the mare’s flank and say, “Uh… h-hay fries and a daisy sandwich.”
“Coming right up.”
Rainbow blinked rapidly. Her eyes were darting around, fastening on every mare nearby, taking in their curves, their silky manes and coats. Oh fuck oh fuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. What the hell is going on? As the world seemed to spin around her, one thought bobbed to the surface of her mind. I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m not gay. Those three words were repeated over and over, losing all meaning, holding nothing but one last desperate hope. Something snapped and suddenly she couldn’t take it anymore. She needed to be in her room. Now. With a whoosh, she was gone, not caring about the gasps she drew with her hasty exit.
She was flying dangerously fast, now, at a speed she really shouldn’t have been doing at anything less than roughly two hundred feet.
The wind whipped her face, causing stinging lines to trace themselves down her cheeks. Her whole mind felt wrong, so wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. It was like having a rug suddenly pulled from under her hooves and landing on a surface that felt so similar as to be unnoticeable but so fundamentally different that every atom of her body screamed in protest.
Her tears fell faster as a combination of wind and desperation burned her eyes.
I’m not gay…